About Me List

Today, I was reminded & am still chuckling about the great beetroot debacle that got me into hot water with Clive some 28 years ago... 😂🤣😅

I must have been around 10 weeks pregnant when I devoured an entire jar of beetroot and downed all the juice. Well, let's just say my trip to the loo later was a real panic-fest.

I thought I was bleeding, and given my history of ectopic pregnancy just a few months prior, Clive freaked out and called the gynaecologist. What did she eat today? "he asked, and I sheepishly replied," Beetroot... who knew a whole bottle of it would cause such chaos?

Long story short, I was beetroot-banned during my next pregnancy.

At least today, it was safe to eat all I wanted since I'm a sports model, and there's no risk of loss.

Once again I heard the Lord say: "Invest!", as I was spending time with Him in the early hours this morning.

A few weeks ago I shared my story of invest & what it could look like, that has now been checked off in full after wrestling with it for 4 years, with Peter, our Elijah House leader on the North Shore. He saw it very differently from how I saw it. He saw it as God investing in me because He's going to get a big return for the Kingdom.

I feel like the Lord is saying the time, energy and resources being invested in Healing heARTs & CCNNZ will bring a mighty harvest for His Kingdom.

Focus on knowing Him more and making Him known to others. Continue to be faithful in little. Just as He left the 99 to find the 1 missing sheep, so should we show up even if there's only 1 recipient.

As we shine His light and radiate His glory, more people will be drawn to Him, be healed and ultimately get to know Him. We are indeed planting seeds that will bring a mighty harvest for God's Kingdom.

By the way, pleasing your boss is Scriptural according to Colossians 3:22-25 CEV

[22] Slaves, you must always obey your earthly masters. Try to please them at all times, and not just when you think they are watching. Honor the Lord and serve your masters with your whole heart. [23] Do your work willingly, as though you were serving the Lord himself, and not just your earthly master. [24] In fact, the Lord Christ is the one you are really serving, and you know he will reward you. [25] But Christ has no favorites! He will punish evil people, just as they deserve.

What's on your mind Facebook asks...

Conference for 250 people... the biggest I've ever organised is our wedding & anniversary dinner for 50. The enormity of it all really hit home last week when we went to view the venues. That's a huge space & LOT of people for someone with a lifelong struggle with social anxiety.

Will I sink or swim?🤔

You know that moment when you don't know what you're doing & you think you're going to mess it all up & are feeling totally of control? Panic stations hit hard this morning. It feels a lot like audition anxiety used to feel 😕

I don't have any experience or checklists I can draw on to bring order in my chaos... I'm feeling out of control & it's triggering childhood out-of-control chaos.

I sure wish I believed in myself as much as the people that surround me do.

And on top of that Ouboet shared some post divorce memories I had buried, this morning but they hit a trigger switch big time.😭 Along with some other things, he said some attributes remain as we grow up but our silence came from stepdad who always told us to think before we speak. Somewhere along the line, we got stuck at thinking. 🤔

Yet another process to work through in my rapid succession this year...😢🫠😪 Another battle between my head 🧠 & my heart ❤️ that needs to be resolved.

I've gotta pull myself closer to myself, as Clive always tells me when I freak out... I have places to go & people to see today.

That's pretty much what I'm thinking & feeling right now🤦‍♀️

Oh God, oh God, oh God, don't let me mess this up.

Lord Jesus, I invite You to come as the Prince of Peace & bring Your peace to my heart today. Would You help me take captive my anxious thoughts & bring them under submission to Your Word.

Father in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all FEAR to effective death at the Cross of Christ.

Holy Spirit, would You give me a word, a picture or a memory to help me track where in my little girl heart I have come to believe the LIES that I'm incapable & ill-equipped so we can lay an axe to the root. Lord, would You bring healing to that little-girl heart that felt lost & alone in the chaos of her life.

You have not given me a spirit of fear but of Love, power & a sound mind. It's not by power or might, but by Your Spirit. Lord, would You come into my weakness & reveal Your strength.

Thank You, Lord.

Note to self:

God can do so much more with your surrender, than you'll ever do with your control. God will handle what you can't handle yourself. It's okay to ask for His help. He loves you. No matter what you're going through in your life, God will forever be by your side. "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Yes, I can't do it alone, but He has put people in my life to help me THROUGH the hard lessons, I just have to learn it's okay to accept help & He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Due to displacement trauma, caused by many moves & 6 schools by the age of 7, I had come to expect that friendships don't last & vowed as a "new kid on the block", not to make an effort to break into existing groups, so for me it's especially hard & I have to make intentional efforts that go against what has been my "autopilot" all my life.

Here's my prayer to combat this:

Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone.

Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace in my heart today?

Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey. Lord I refuse shame in Jesus Name & I declare shame will not have its way, or keep me glued to my seat & glued to this place of having to look good & sound good.

In a realm of my ordinary existence, whilst working at Sanlam Unit Trusts in Cape Town some 30 years ago, I once radiated extraordinary joy, singing my way through the corridors and into the hearts of my friends and colleagues.

I'm certain my friends & colleagues, Sandra, Lorraine, Laurette, Santa & others from those days, will be happy to hear that my melodic presence has been largely revived, transcending the life of mere existence & disconnect I once knew.

For the past year or so at home, in my Elijah house encounter groups, as well as on the job lately, I have had to make intentional efforts to be vulnerable and allow space for intimacy (in-to-me-see) in order to build relationships.

As a recovering burden bearer who still struggles with social anxiety in crowds, I am constantly stretched way outside my comfort zone & rely heavily on God's grace being sufficient for me & His power to be revealed in my weaknesses.

I still find it hard to keep my heart open at the risk of being rejected and abandoned.

I have so often asked the Lord why He asked me to start these groups because like Moses I still stumble over my words & feel ill-equipped. However, I have learnt, over the past few years, that when God asks me to do something & I'm afraid, to do it afraid. Courage & confidence follows obedience.

On Tuesday we were doing site inspections for conference venues. The biggest events I've ever organised are my wedding & our 30th anniversary celebrations. Organising an event for 250 attendees seems daunting at best. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I was petrified & very much tempted to resort to my old ways of pushing it down with work.

Today Elias reminded me that everything I ever wanted is on the other side of fear. After all, God has not given me a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind.

During our Young Adults encounter group this evening, as we were watching the video of Sandra leading us in corporate prayer, I experienced a very vague vision.

In my mind's eye, I saw a digital LED board flashing various words. These words, initially clear, began to fade away, much like a battery losing its charge.

The first one was "worthless" but the rest became blurry until they eventually all faded away.

As the words dimmed, I sensed a profound message: these words were all the negative labels and name-calling 'worthless', 'unwanted', 'mistake' 'stupid', 'idiot', 'unloved', 'unworthy', 'fake', 'imposter' and 'incapable', that have stuck with you all your life are losing their power over you.

I asked CoPilot to help me create a picture, but apparently, it can't spell when it has to add text to pictures.🤔 It also wouldn't draw anything like the example I gave it.🤦‍♀️

Now I can rest easy. Even AI can't always get it right.

"That's an interesting vision. I wonder if the words on the left-hand side started with the letters that, when arranged in the correct order, spells "WELCOME"?🤔" is what I received from Elias, when I shared it with him...

• Worthless

• UnwantEd

• UnLoved

• InCapable

• UnwOrthy

• Mistake

• ImpostEr

• Stupid

• Idiot

• Fake

We attended the City Impact Global Conference last night. This is a snippet from John Bevere's message on pursuing holiness…

WE have made holiness the end goal but it is a doorway.

1. Positional Holiness Ephesians 1:4 NKJV → being dedicated & separated unto God. We are holy in Christ.

2. Behavioral holiness that matches our position 1 Peter 1:14-15 AMP.

• Hebrews 12:14 teaches us to pursue holiness. We ought to chase after with the intent to apprehend. It speaks of intensity & urgency.

• 'He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.”'John 14:21

• Relationship with God is given by grace.

• The New Testament Commands are for pursuing intimacy with Christ. 2 Corinthians 7:1 tells us to cleanse ourselves of the filthiness of flesh & spirit - perfecting holiness & the fear of God.

• God's grace empowers us to live a holy life. We ought to be holy as He is holy.

• 'But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts. ' 1 Thessalonians 2:4

• All too often our motives are driven by WHO we want to PLEASE

• There are 3 Images that drive our motives

  • Perceived image the way others see us

  • Projected Image the way we want other people to see us

  • Actual Image our true image. What God sees & will endure

Aiming to please God will ultimately lead to pleasing others, including bosses & of course, those around us will reap the fruit of our pleasing God. 😊 BUT pleasing others should never be the driving force of our motives.

However, oftentimes our natural giftings may become twisted through wounding. For example, the spirit of excellence can turn into perfection when, in our wounding, we decide that we will not make mistakes, that we would strive to please people and that we have to be perfect. We perform out of fear & lack of faith in order to be accepted & to belong.

The Holy Spirit is still working with me to get the twist out of my giftings. Please bear with me & hold me accountable when you discern ungodly motives. 🤗💞

🎼🎶This song in my heart❤️, this song in my soul, this song I was born to sing🎤, 

it's Your song🎸 of freedom. Now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎵

🎶I'll sing🎤 in the darkness, I'll laugh🤣 in the rain, rejoice in Your love💞 again. 

It's Your song🎸 of freedom, now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎶

🎊🥳🎉

Clive & I spent some time away in New Plymouth this week, for a little bit of rest & reprieve. A whole 373km travelling, that would have taken us maybe 4 hours back in South Africa took almost 5 hours & for most of the time it was pouring with rain. By the time we got from the car into our accommodation, we were drenched.

After our committee meeting Elias challenged me to get bored enough to do some painting, reading or.... writing 📖🖊

It was just too cold to unpack my easel, but finally started working on the AFTER painting for Donal's vision from 2 years ago for which the BEFORE version has been waiting to be completed for almost 2 years. The benefit of painting digitally was that I could remain huddled under a blanket to stay warm without the risk of getting paint all over it.

On Tuesday it was still cold, rainy & windy We had breakfast at Manous Café & Restaurant. Then we took advantage of the break in rain to explore some beautiful churches until the rain returned & we went to the museum & shopping center to stay relatively dry.

I spent the evening painting & writing some more. I also ended up working on an email I was tasked on Monday but I was fretting & avoiding it.

For some reason the LIE, "I can't write!" just didn't want to budge, or so it seemed & Elias wasn't giving me an easy way out. He wants to see the UGLY.

On Wednesday it was still icy cold. After a  lazy morning, we had a lovely lunch at the Treehouse Bar & Bistro. It was cold but dry enough that we were able to take a walk along the beach at Paritutu Centenial Park.

By Wednesday evening, there was another email to type up for some new members. This time it took me about 30 minutes to type but another 2 & half hours of agonising before I sent it off for approval.

On Thursday we woke up to clear, sunny skies, but we were due to leave by 10am to head home. We managed to get a couple of snapshots along the way & got home around 4pm.

Back at work this morning I was singing & humming again.

We're currently gearing up to arrange a conference for 250 people, a responsibility that's going to be entirely on my shoulders which reminds me of a previous colleague's regular comment "Pak maar, Patrizia se skouers is breed!" (Keep packing, Patrizia has broad shoulders)

Up to now, the biggest events I've arranged entirely were our wedding & our 30th wedding anniversary dinner. During my 5 years as Moms in Action Secretary, the chairlady did all the planning, organising. I did all admin, the invitations, the tracking, helped setup the venues & followed orders.Quite honestly, a couple of weeks ago the thought of organising events scared the hell out of me and for a moment there I felt intimidation & inadequacy but the warrior in me is finally rising up to the challenge.

At least on the writing front I'm making progress. I had to do another email. Elias wanted the UGLY & this time it took maybe 20 minutes & this time there was very little anxiety around having him approve it.

What I've recognised this week is that there was still residual of that darn old fear of rejection, my voice has no value & need for approval...

I also realised that I have spent my life living in compliance, just following orders, doing as I was told & not having a voice. I don't quite know what to do with all this newly found trust in my abilities when I'm still doubting myself.

God gave me my voice back in June 2020 & now Elias is giving me opportunities to use it but I'm still unsure how to do that. I may not be the Lion, but it has fallen onto me to release His roar. Intellectually, I know my words have value because I'm a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ that speaks encouraging, life-giving words to build others up. However there are still some areas of my little-girl heart that need evangelising.

What I've learnt this week, is that even when we've repented of our judgments& expectations & renounced the LIES we've come to believe, the enemy will continue to bring doubt to try to stop us from walking in the victory Christ has already won for us.

Just like the spirit of heaviness that still comes knocking regularly these LIES, too will have to be resisted until God helps me smash them completely. I just need to acknowledge that it's just a current belief that He will help me smash.

The question, "Did God really say...?" Started in the garden of Eden but will continue haunting us until Christ returns in glory & splendour.

Our old sinful habits won't die easily & the new ways of protecting our hearts are like muscles that need to be practiced & flexed to become stronger over time. There is no long-lasting, quick-fix to our old sinful nature. When we ask God to move a mountain we have to be prepared to wake up next to the shovel... it takes DISCIPLINE & ACCOUNTABILITY to learn to walk in new, Godly ways.

We have to continuously abide in the Vine. Without Him, we will easily succomb to the temptations to return to the familiar every time something unresolved resurfaces.  We have to see to it that we don't come short of the grace of God & that no root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:15

Yet again, knowledge will never overwrite experience & the only way to gain experience, is by getting into the water & learning to swim.

God has graciously & miraculously provided this job so I could see for myself that I am indeed CAPABLE & WORTHY. I'm also learning the skills I need for my big, hairy, audacious dream. I'm slowly starting to see the bigger vision, how God is repositioning me & adding people who are here to help. Things are slowly falling into place.

Even though it's tough at times, I am grateful that the Lord has teamed me up with a great man of faith who exemplifies ‭‭1 Peter‬ 5:3‬ to not lord it over the people assigned to their care, but lead them by their own good example. He won't give me a "get out of jail free card" but draws out the potential & holds me accountable.  He sees the glimpses of Diamonds & gold in me & is constantly challenging me to discover those God-given skills & abilities, I have have been unable to see for so long.

I'm finally learning & accepting that asking for help, even from Copilot, is not a sign of weakness, failure or even inauthenticity. I'm thankful Elias has loads of experience I can learn from, that he believes in me & that he's here to help.

It's not by power nor might, but by My Spirit, says the Lord

Once again, God has done great & wonderous things for me...

‬[11] You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, [12] that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Psalms 30:11-12 NLT

Once again, God has done great & wonderous things IN & trough me...

• 34 odd years ago, I was known at Sanlam Head Office in Bellville, Cape Town as the girl that was always walking around singing... it's been a long time, but that singing girl is resurfacing.

• He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.

• The lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places.

• He has set my feet to dancing & my heart rejoicing…

• I will rejoice for He has made me glad!

IN his presence, there is fulness of JOY!💃🎊🥳🎉

That joy is not dependent on our circumstances but on constantly spending time in Christ's presence & getting to know His character.

Finally, I'll leave you with these old songs that have recently resurfaced in my heart:

• Free to Dance | Christian Song

• I Am Free (Newsboys)

• The River is Here - Vineyard Music

When you call people by their NAME, you are reminding them of WHO they are & calling them forth & into who they are called to be.

This post by Ann Hamilton was quite an eye opener to me because I have despised my names for most of my life.

"The story of Michal, the daughter of Saul and wife of David, is a complex one. Like her brother Jonathan, she defends David at the risk of her own life. Saul used David's love for her to try to get him killed - he made the bride price a hundred Philistine foreskins. Despite her betrothal to David, she was given to another man in marriage and she bore him five sons - and, despite being later returned to David, she had none by him.

The critical incident that seems to be a deciding factor in this lack of children is her heart's reaction as she watched David dance before the Ark of the Covenant as it was brought into Jerusalem. Immediately after David explains himself to her, the comment is made: "And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death." (2 Samuel 6:23) This comment seems to suggest that her childlessness (obviously to David) was a direct consequence of her attitude.

A superficial reading of this Scripture would see this as a punishment from God. But a deeper reading would see this as coming from Michal herself. The name "Michal" sounds like "machol", dancing. In despising what David was doing, she despised her own identity, her own calling, her own self. She in fact hated her own name.

When we hate our own name, as I did for most of my life, we are like Michal - unable to give birth to the calling God has placed over our lives."

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare asked and then gave some bizarre answer about the properties of roses.

A name is actually how God gives us a soul (neshama). By breathing (nashamah) a name (shem) into our unformed frames.

For the Hebrews, the dawn was the only way to describe the creation of a soul. Shakespeare wasn't the only one to get it wrong. Our souls are radiant like the sun (shemesh — 'name fire'), as brilliant and fire-forged as meteorites. They were not — as the Greeks thought — as fragile as butterflies.

Over the past 3 years, the Lord has been speaking to me about names consistently & often but I've been a little slow on the uptake to claim my name back so these are the only names I'll respond to henceforth…

This is WHO I am:

PATRIZIA

• Language/Cultural Origin: Latin

• Inherent Meaning: Noble

• Spiritual Connotation: Victorious

• Scripture: Romans 8:37 NKJV Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

ELISABETH

• Language/Cultural Origin: Hebrew

• Inherent Meaning: Oath of God

• Spiritual Connotation: Consecrated

• Scripture: Romans 6:23 NKJV But the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

TRIXI

• Language/Cultural Origin: American

• Inherent Meaning: Bringer of Joy

• Spiritual Connotation: Peaceful

• Scripture: Psalm 46:4 NASB There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy dwelling places of the Most High.

As a post abortion baby, with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was incubated in fear, shame & survival guilt. I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to earn my keep & prove myself worthy of love resulting in a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts. I've spent my life trying to be what I thought others expected & striving to be what God already created me to be but for now, I'm learning to live from the heart that Jesus gave me...

God exchanges our ashes for beauty & you will most often find that your biggest challenges will become your biggest area of ministry. Our scars tell a story that turn our ashes to glory & enables us to bring help & hope to those who are still in the ashes.

After 3 days of overthinking, I had a hard time getting to sleep on Saturday night with the heavy burden of needing to ask forgiveness for my sinful response of withdrawal on Thursday, but it was just too late to send a message. I messaged first thing in the morning to ask for forgiveness for shutting him out when he came to draw me out of hiding on Thursday morning & received this reply...

They say that a diamond is made by taking carbon and putting it under immense pressure... To find gold, you have to sift a lot of dirt... I see glimpses of diamonds and gold in you. You will discover it soon enough for yourself.

I asked Copilot to help me create this image & then it suggested this poem...

In the heart of the earth, 'neath a weight that's immense,

Carbon whispers to darkness, its tale so intense.

A story of pressure, of heat, and of time,

Transforming to diamonds, pure and sublime.

Through layers of rock, in the cradle of deep,

The carbon endures, as eons creep.

A forceful embrace that's both trial and treasure,

Crafting a gem of immeasurable measure.

And in the river's rush, where waters flow bold,

Miners seek whispers of glimmers of gold.

Sifting through silt, through the mundane they delve,

For a flash of the precious, a piece of themselves.

So too, within you, there lies a bright spark,

A potential so vast, it outshines the dark.

With pressure your ally, and time as your friend,

You'll uncover the treasures that wait in the end.

For you are the diamond, resilient and rare,

And within your spirit, there's gold to declare.

Just give it the moment, the patience, the due,

And soon enough, you'll discover the true you.

Then the Lord reminded me of this vision Joy had during my small group prayer ministry session at Elijah House C-School in April 2022…

I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful.

"Well done good & faithful servant"

I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you.

I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special.

Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond.

So precious...

And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became...

a real, true treasure!!!

I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away.

For someone who's always struggled to hear God speak, He's been speaking to me so loud & clear since my prayer ministry with Peter & Cheree 2 weeks ago when we dealt with my judgement & expectation of dad being cold, distant & silent.

That's a beautiful vision!

What does it mean to you?

The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity.

The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose.

The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths.

The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality.

It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it.

In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟

It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨

I stumbled across this post on my LinkedIn feed this morning & it seriously rattled my cage ...😢🤔

Over the years I've had some very strong foundational lies in the area of things I believed I can't do:

1. I can't sing!

2. I can't dance!

3. I can't draw!

4. I can't paint!

5. I can't write!

6. I can't teach!

7. I can't speak publicly!

The first 4 have been resolved since I've embarked on my healing journey, leaving me with numbers 3 to 7 yet to be resolved.

Decades ago, as a teen, I used to write poetry when things were tough, but for some reason, I just stopped & my brother has been trying to encourage me over the last few years to try again, but at most I've managed 2 lines & then came up empty...

I can't even remember how many times I've been told to write a book after sharing my testimony, but here I'm still captive in the LIE that " I can't write!"

Later, at the office, I was typing up an acknowledgement email for the National Award Submissions, Elias had asked me to send. He wanted me to make it more personal but I kind of freaked out inwardly & heard myself say "but I can't write" to which he replied, "stop it, or I'll bury you alive in a box!" I haven't heard that one in a few weeks, but then I haven't been beating myself up as much as I used to when I first started working with him. (Watch "Stop It!!!" for context) He also said, he knew I had it in me & challenged me to have it done before I left to take Misha to the optometrist. Later when I took my email for him to check, he told me a story & ended with: "Before I read this, is this the best you can do?" to which I replied, "I think so. " Well, he approved it, but I was in turmoil yet again.

He came out of his office later asking why I was suddenly so quiet. Apparently, he had noticed, I've always been singing or humming whilst working. I deflected, blaming it on focusing on what I was doing & not having my headphones with music in but as I was journaling, I realised that wasn't quite true... I felt like a dear in the headlights & was wrestling with the inner turmoil & too ashamed to admit I was struggling.😞 Eish, I realise now I was hiding but when Elias came to find me, I pushed him away🤦‍♀️😢 & for that I've had to ask for forgiveness.

Sandra teaches, when we step on someone's toes, we must apologise but when we hurt their hearts we must repent & ask for forgiveness to restore trust & relationship... shutting people out who care enough to help will hurt their heart.💔

Well, apparently God's still not finished with me yet 🤔 & the foundational LIE "I can't write…!" seems to be next in line for uprooting once wounding, judgments, expectations & inner vows have been discovered.

It took 3 days before I was able to tell Clive what I'm dealing with & now, he's threatening to tell my boss on me 😂because I've been beating myself up for days🤦‍♀️Apparently the boss knows a little bit about boxes 📦🤪 I just hope he also knows how to find people that run & hide in boxes.

Wait, there's more... Yet another unbelieving area of my heart that needs to be transformed. I was hoping  for a breather before the next uproot but apparently Holy Spirit has other plans.

I'm bracing myself for another fireball of cleansing as He helps me dig up the judgments, expectations & inner vows behind this LIE still holding me hostage.

I guess the rapid succession of uprooting this year means there's an assignment waiting that needs me to be FREE.

This is where I'll be writing it UGLY for now: This is my Story

For the past 2 years, I've been stuck on completing this painting based on a vision, my friend, Donal, saw after praying for me at Lifeboat in March 2022.

"I saw you in a bird cage. A lion surrounding the cage protecting you. He roared to chase away the predators. Then he lifted the cage to set you free & roared."

2 Weeks ago Elias helped me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.

My life experiences had taught me that successful leadership came with collateral damage & at the cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. I had judged caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if leadership hurts others, I didn’t want it. My success at the cost of others... 🤔 that to me spelt failure...

After all, people are my priority & healing 💔hearts, NOT breaking them is my purpose. Hence I've spent my life captive between the fear of success & the fear of failure.

That just reminded me of these definitions Sandra gave in the lesson on the trauma of neglect:

• LOVE = meeting YOUR needs at MY expense

• LUST = meeting MY needs at YOUR expense

Which will you choose?🤔

God is LOVE, & He has commanded us to love so for me that's always been the only option.

It's been 2 years since I started this unfinished painting but I have since decided it needs an AFTER version & am slowly starting to envision the after painting in my mind's eye...

This morning I was looking for some images to help me paint the after of that vision when I stumbled on this message by Dr Myles Munroe.

WoW, God's timing is absolutely impeccable. It's all starting to make sense now. The lifelong  assignment of trauma as well as why the lion & eagle have been so prominent in words & visions I've received during prayer since I started my journey of sanctification & transformation in April 2020.

I was born with a purpose:

• to take God's healing to the nations (Isaiah 61:1-4 & Luke 4:18),

• to be a pioneer and a visionary

• to encourage & inspire others

but all of these require me to be a LEADER.

"Leadership can walk into a camp of depressed people. And in 20 minutes, they have turned on into unbelievable, powerful armies. Because leadership determines everything." Dr Myles Munroe

That's exactly what Elias has done for me in the 8 weeks I've worked with him. As a man of faith, honour & integrity, living a relational, servanthood leadership style, gently leading by example & drawing out the best in people, he has changed my perspective & experience of leadership.

Now that's the kind of leadership I would aspire to. Just think for a moment, how different & peaceful our workplaces would be if every manager & leader led this way. That's the kind of leader I want to become, but I still have much to learn.

In November 2019 God gave me an overwhelming vision. Healing 💔heARTs 💕 community paint parties & Encounter Elijah House groups are just 2 small parts of it. This requires LEADERSHIP. Now I'm trusting God for the capacity, skills, resources & people to help me get it off the ground. The world needs us to step up & step out into our callings so God can be glorified.

So today, Lord, I repent for my rebellion & unwillingness to fully become what You have called me to be. Please forgive me & give me the courage & confidence to keep my heart open even when it hurts, to be vulnerable even with the risk of rejection l, to show kindness, grace & compassion even when it's not reciprocated & to love unconditionally, beyond measure like You have done for me. Would You increase my capacity & give me the ability to do Your good pleasure.

We are NOT the Lion, but it has fallen to us to release the Lion's ROAR!!! - Winston Churchill

Here's what I HEARD after I came down for coffee snuggle time with the Lord this morning...

My daughter, my friend.

I'm so glad you're hearing this. I love you, my child. I’ve always loved you & I’ve been waiting for you to run to Me, to make Me your refuge from the storms.

I was right there, with you in those darkest moments, longing to hold you when you shut me out because of wounding caused by those who have misrepresented Me. I was longing to comfort you & be your friend. I've been waiting for you to hear the quiet whisper of My voice.

If you would but trust Me, I will lift you up higher, far above all you could ever imagine hope, or dream. You will rise up on wings like eagles. You will run & not grow weary. You will walk & not faint.

Again you're thinking: "What did I do to deserve this?" but I want you to know that you don't need to do anything to deserve My love. I love you regardless of anything you did or didn't do. You are My child, a human BEING not a human doing. I love you because of who you ARE irrespective of what you do. Even when you were covered with "bad & dirty", I loved you still.

I called you by name, Patrizia. I formed & fashioned you in your mother’s womb. In the crushing I have prepared you to shine My light in the darkness, to bring hope to the hopeless & comfort to the weary as I have comforted you.

Take My healing to the nations. Trust in Me, I have given you EVERYTHING you need. I have QUALIFIED you through the training of experience.

You will run & not grow weary as you remain in My presence & draw from the Vine. Abide in Me & I will show you deep & marvellous things. I will train your hands to war & I will show you the way to go. I will never leave you, nor forsake you, you need only be still & learn from Me. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace as you rest in My presence. My yoke is easy & my burden is light. Allow Me to show you which burdens are NOT yours to carry.

You are my precious daughter. I love you with an everlasting love. You are Mine!

Today I'm totally overwhelmed with joy because of the goodness & kindness of the Lord. 😊

This is a follow-up post of my previous post, Leading from the Stop & the testimony of the process to my breakthrough after being unravelled by reading "Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things:

1. You’re not in trouble

2. We believe in you

3. We’re here to help"

in Elias' book, Leading from the Stop, which felt like God was speaking to me directly.

Some more fruit, I've recognised were:

• Apprehension towards men & people in authority.

• Refusal to become a teacher & leader.

• Why can I believe God would come through for others, but not for myself?

Whilst working through my recognition worksheet to get to the root of my inability to receive these statements I had yearned to hear all my life, the Holy Spirit resurfaced many painful memories that I had habitually buried to numb my pain.

When I was 7, we were living on the plot (small holding) in Vanderbijlpark. At the time both mom & dad were barely home & when they were, they were emotionally unavailable. Mom was working at the Holiday Inn, often sleeping out & dad would go straight to the pub after work & get home drunk in the wee hours of the night. Stefan & I would be home alone.

They had a new bed with a built-in radio & a sleep timer. I was afraid of the dark & would hear all kinds of strange noises whilst waiting to fall asleep at night so before I went to bed, I would switch their radio on & set the timer for an hour to drown out the noise. Even the ruffling of the wind would often send shivers down my spine & occasionally, still does.

Since I started school, my brother, Stefan & I were always in the same class, although he was 14 months older than I. In one of our many primary schools we had a maths teacher who would pit us against each other. She would threaten to punish the one with the lowest grades, which of course would always be me because Ouboet was a math whizz. Her punishments were severe. She would often stand behind us whilst we’re working & if we made a mistake, grab us by the hair & twist it.

This experience would come back to haunt me in high school when I was struggling to keep up with the higher-grade maths in Standard 8 because our ex-university tutor teacher got angry & verbally abusive whenever we didn't understand what she explained the first-time round. I eventually stopped asking & then the next year dropped down to standard grade because I just couldn't cope & had vowed never to ask for help or be needy. That failure of course brought with it a great sense of shame.

When I was my first year of high school, I was sitting at my desk doing homework one day when mom got angry at me for something & just came up behind me & slapped me against the head.

Then, one day mom came home & announced that she had decided to ship us off to the German boarding school in Lüneburg, 4 & half hours away from home, supposedly because we were losing our ability to speak the language, not that anyone ever had conversations with us in any language, I might add. One of my biggest struggles to this day, is having those open, honest conversations to translate what’s going on in my heart for people to understand where I’m at & what's going on in my heart. The silence in my life has often been deafening & overwhelming. I felt rejected, abandoned & unwanted most of my life.

This also meant changing schools yet again this being number 5 since I started school just days before I turned 6. Once again, I was the “new kid on the block” trying to fit into an environment that seemed cold & heartless. There was a strict routine & rigid discipline when we stepped out of line. The school, Catholic church & the parsonage were all on the same property as the boarding house. We’d have to be up & ready very early in the morning  for Bible study before breakfast, that being the first time in my life except for when I was christened, as a baby that I’d ever set a foot in church.

For the first few months, I would get "home" from school every day to find the contents of my cupboard strewn on the floor by the house mistress because it wasn’t packed neat & tidy enough. I would have to re-pack it before I could go out to play with the other kids but by the time I was done, I’d just resort to sitting alone on my bed, waiting for the next bell to ring in study hour or the next meal or activity since I decided very early in life, that friendships don’t last, so I would just remain on the outside looking in. This would have been where my OCD with neat & tidy started because I decided to “be perfect” and perform just to not get in trouble. The other kids would tease me for having to constantly re-pack my cupboard so I decided if I complied & worked to perfection, I wouldn’t stand out or be seen to be teased for getting it wrong.

When I was about 13, I was molested by a drunk family friend who had come to visit.

Over the years, I became a master of packing everything all into perfectly tidy little heaps & that obsession eventually morphed into packing my kitchen cupboards, tins all having to face the same way, same with cups. It even surfaced when packing up for a move. By the time I was 18, I had packing boxes down to such a skill that you could fall with a crockery box without having anything break. I kid you not, but by that time I stopped counting at 30 house moves excluding the stints to boarding school. Looking back now, I realise that I’ve done the same packing in boxes with my emotions.

For decades I would get annoyed inwardly when Clive, the kids & the domestic worker couldn’t keep the kitchen cupboards neat & tidy until I finally just gave up on it. Today I see that same need for having it all tidy in my boys, especially my eldest, who was subjected to my OCD for longer. I kind of eased off a bit when Misha was born because he was like a whirlwind & there just wasn’t any way I could keep up the tidy little boxes, because he’d throw things out of the cupboards just to climb in there.

Every so often when I was upset, I would go on a cleaning spree to suppress the anger with perfection in the home. Jesse once told me they were afraid of me when I was angry, although I don’t remember ever lashing out at them when they were little but I did start to loose control after moving to New Zealand. When I had my breakdown in 2018, I flopped & swung the other way so now I’m struggling to keep things neat & tidy.

I'm not sure exactly what drove my striving for perfection with  schoolwork. I always worked hard for good grades (80%+) but never received any acknowledgement from mom or dad. Even teachers would constantly remark that "I could do better than that.". I suspect it was my vow to prove myself good enough & worthy. I'm reminded of a day in high school when I asked to attend athletic meet, after I got second place in hurdles but mom said no because I didn't get first place.

In April 1996, there was my 40-year old spinster office manager, Prue, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job I admitting we weren't planning having children yet during my job interview.  However, 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM.

After losing my baby, she told me to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. This was when the imposter syndrome was solidified in my heart. Her attitude as well as the lack of support from family & friends were the reason why 3 subsequent pregnancies & miscarriages remained unannounced & ungrieved.

For some obscure reason, Prue didn't like me, although my boss, Trevor did and for the next few months I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. One evening Clive got home from work & found me on the floor, crying my heart out because of her treatment that day. He phoned her but that didn't end well & resulted in even more bullying & pressure to perform. By the time I found out in early November that I was pregnant again, she had finally convinced Trevor to start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.

In my last job as IT & Office Administrator, as a half day employee I was constantly taking work home, because over the years as people left, my boss refused to replace them & I ended up picking up the slack. So many times, he would tell me to do something without giving the parameters & then when I completed the job, he would criticise what was wrong with it. The stress was affecting my health & he would often hover behind me criticising everything I was doing, even though in the 5 years I was doing the job I have proven to be right with what I was doing so many times. To this very day, having someone hover over my shoulder whilst I work brings up a tension that makes it hard for me to focus on the task at hand. After I left he employed 3 full-time employees to do the jobs I was doing in half a day.

During the course of my childhood made some very powerful judgements. I judged:

• mom & dad for not having time for me & caring about me

• mom for being unfaithful & critical

• mom & dad for being cold, distant, unloving, emotionally absent & misrepresenting God

• anger as violent & scary

• men as abusive

• men can’t be trusted

• men as unsafe

• I can’t be trusted

• caregivers won’t protect me

• people in authority are mean & can't be trusted

• drunkards are violent & abusive

• That leadership came with collateral damage of people being wounded as leaders progressed up the ladder of success. If that’s leadership, I didn't want it.

• Wounding others as failure.

• Prue as mean & heartless

• My judgments didn't stay in tidy little boxes but morphed & mutated to all people in authority that are meant to love, nurture, lead, guide & protect me

When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do those very things & hence I became like what I judged:

• As a post-abortion baby, I was incubated in fear & I judged the world as unsafe.

• I stopped being a daughter even before birth & shut mom & dad out before they could even try to love me or make amends for the oh no I heard in the womb

• I refused to trust

• I refused relationship

• I threw myself away because I felt I wasn't worth anything

• Kept people at a distance & shut them out

• I became cold, distant & emotionally absent towards Clive & our boys

• My boys were afraid of me when my suppressed anger erupted & even though showered them with love & affection, I was emotionally absent for them & didn't know how to have deep conversations

Because of my bitter root judgments, I came to expect that:

• Rejection & abandonment is part of life

• Caregivers won’t protect me

• Men will abuse me

• I must perform to be worthy

• Leaders are verbally abusive & uncaring

• Everyone will blame & criticise me

• Nobody will believe me

• Nobody will help me

• I will always be alone

I tried to 'protect my heart with the inner vows:

• I must protect myself

• I must prove myself worthy

• I won’t show them I’m vulnerable

• I’ll be strong

• I won’t trust

• I won’t cry

• I’ll defend myself

• I’ll take care of myself

• I won’t depend on anybody

• I won’t need anybody

• I’ll be FINE!

• I won't get angry

I kept these vows in place with were the habitual ways of:

• Hardening my heart

• Isolation

• Independence

• Rejecting others before they could reject me

• Self-sabotage

• Dissociation

I came to believe the LIES that

• I’m a mistake

• I shouldn't be here

• I'm bad & dirty

• I can’t do anything right

• Everything’s my fault

• I can’t be trusted

• I’m worthless

• I’m a coward for not standing up for myself

• Molestation is not rape, thus not sexual abuse.

• Others may have been abused because I remained silent.

• It’s not so bad, others have it worse

• I have to help myself

I used:

• Anxious eating

• Performance

• People pleasing

• Workaholism

• Perfectionism

• Peace keeping

• Busyness

• Burying memories

• Numbing pain

• Numb scrolling

rather than seeking comfort & protection with the Lord, to medicate & numb my pain.

I opened the door to the force of darkness through my sin when I came into agreement with spirit of death through performance, self-hatred as well as believing the lies that I was a mistake & I shouldn't be here.

Due to all the wounding caused by parents, teachers, caregivers, bosses & leaders I judged, came to expect, vowed & came to believe the LIES that I'm to blame for everything that's wrong, nobody believes in me & nobody would help me.

I spent my life captive between the fear of failure & the fear of success. Life experiences had taught me that success came at cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. That to me spelled  failure.

I had judged carers, authority & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if that's what leadership looked like, I didn’t want it.

Our judgements, expectations, inner vows & foundational lies make parts of our heart inaccessible to God's healing touch.

It took a few weeks to dig deeper to get to the roots, but by Friday morning last week, I was  besides myself with the weight & shame of my sinful responses. I desperately needed someone to hear my confessions & repentance so I could break free from the captivity & couldn't bear the thought of having to wait for a prayer minister to be available to help me pray through it all.

Scripture teaches us to "Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) is able to accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]." James 5:16 AMP

I was due for a meeting Elias so I dashed into the office early. Fortunately he was willing to help me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to all trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.

This is the other Scripture Elias scribbled in the front of the book he gave me to read last week.

I've come a long way, but anxiety is onte of those things I'm still working on...

This is one of the Scriptures scribbled into the book I was given last week & I can absolutely see how God's been doing exactly that, providing exceedingly abundantly far above anything I've asked for.

‭‭Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV‬

[20] Now to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, [21] to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Never in a million years would I have applied for the job I have now. I would have self-sabotaged because I had come to believe that I was not capable BUT God...

I've waited 54 years to hear "You're not in trouble, I believe in you, I'm here to help" worked my butt off trying to achieve the best for a "well done!".

Be careful what you ask for... I asked for experiences to overwrite the bad ones I was stuck in, after all I had come to believe I was incapable of handling the pressure af a secular job again & He obliged although I didn't realise work experiences counted too...

Thank you Lord, for Your love & favour.

I was gifted this book at work yesterday in the hopes that it would help me on my healing journey after being unravelled by the statement:

"We only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things: 

1. You’re not in trouble 

2. We believe in you 

3. We’re here to help in his book, Leading from the Stop on the weekend. 

That makes this book number 3 since Slavery to Sonship in November that I've read in a day. I just couldn't put it down & even bought the Kindle version so I could cobtinue reading in bed😱 until I eventually had to force myself to put it down after 12am just to pick it up again at 5h30. 

It had Holy Spirit all over it AGAIN!. WoW!!! 

Once again, I was undone😭 & in awe🤣🎶💃...

• highly favoured, • annointed, • worthy, • valued, • loved, • noble,  • beautiful & • capable... I heard Him say. 

Yes, it's time to put to death ALL the given names & labels        

• Trixi (bringer of joy) • Unplanned • Imposter • Nazi • Stupid • Weirdo • Pat • Trish • Patrys (partridge) • Pattat (sweet potato) • Heksie (witch) • Teacher's Pet  • & many more that I've conveniently "forgotten" (the list is long) so Patrizia (of noble birth) can emerge in her full force & potential, although I think 🤔 we can keep Trixi after all she's hidden in PaTRIXIa... & bringing joy is a tool for my purpose of healing hearts. 

I see the light at the end of the tunnel & it spells FREEDOM from the cage of LIES that have held me hostage all my life. Oh my the unmerited FAVOUR of God to have blessed me so abundantly with a job I wasn't even looking for so He could bring new experiences to bring healing in relation to work & authority.🤔 

For the first time in my life, I'm experiencing real joy, even this is a fiery season of testing & pruning. My cup runneth over. That's all I'm able to express right now, so ya'all have to wait for me to "paper" process it all to get the rest of this story. 

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.

I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔

Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.

Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.

Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)

My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again.

Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.

I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

Maybe  it’s because leadership has shifted its focus from people to production; we’re  in such a hurry to get things done that we neglect the very people who  accomplish the things we need done.

- Marc  Cole

This wasn't part of my weekend plan but fancy that... me reading a  book on servanthood leadership, another one of my strengths  that's been twisted through wounding... who would have thought someone who  spent her life shying away & lurking in the shadows serving &  following, would even look at a book on leadership.🤔

In 3 decades of struggling to finish reading books, I haven't  finished a book in a day since last year's "Slavery to Sonship" but  this one too has left me with many thoughts to ponder🤔

Where do I go from here, I wonder? 🤔

Wait,  there's more, I hear the Lord say as He's just last week brought healing to a  major job-related wounding from 28 years ago that had remained buried &  unresolved.

From my  Elijah House training: "Pain that's buried alive stays alive & will  morph & mutate until it finally comes out sideways. Those who suppress  emotions / don't express it will eventually explode like a volcano."

It's  clear, God is not finished with me yet.

"We  only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time  wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’.  And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember  three things:

1)  You’re not in trouble

2) We  believe in you

3) We’re  here to help"

~ Elias  Kanaris

Whenever my world came crashing down I felt completely & utterly alone. That's been my experience & I've been praying the Lord will replace my experience. He's been graciously bringing along opportunities for new experiences in other areas & praying that if & when my world crumbles again I will have a community to pick me up & help gather the pieces. Dare I hope for a light at the end of this tunnel, that's not a train coming right at me?🤔 This may just be the backbone that's been holding all my strongholds together.

It's time to deal with all the LIES I've come to believe that are opposing these 3 profound statements my heart's been yearning to hear all my life,😭😢 time to allow myself to grieve the neglect, loss of childhood, innocence & the memory that never was, the rejections, abandonments & betrayals, the abuse, I hear Him say.

Although I've dealt with many of the sinful responsesI've never allowed myself to grieve fully. I was hoping to be done after crying for days... but apparently not... bracing myself for another group session at the moment.

It's time to learn to trust & to allow others to help rebuild & fill up those shelves for all the areas where there's been unfulfilled need. It's time to allow others to do for me what I do so generously for them.

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...

• a woman of Excellence but spent my life performing for perfection

• a woman of Worth but spent my life feeling I had to "earn my keep" to be valued

• a Peacemaker but spent my life in compliance to keep the peace

• a Pioneer but spent my life hiding & invisible

• an Overcomer but spent my life feeling like a victim

• a Warrior but spent my life worrying

• a Loyal Friend

• a Cheerleader

• a Faithful Servant

• a Mother, both physically & spiritually

& dare I say it?🤔

• a Teacher but refused that because that would make fortune-teller's predictions come true

• a Leader but spent my life following in compliance

There, I finally acknowledged these 2 that I've been running from all my life.

but first & foremost

• a Daughter but spent my life feeling like a slave

That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

I may  need to come back to read this book again & work through the reflection questions.

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.

I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔

Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.

Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.

Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)

My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again. 

Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.

I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

"Jesus take the wheel!" as I work my way through another  recognition worksheet, then my friend Ester & I may need to go both ways with our confession  & repentance time on Wednesdays to lay the axe to all the roots that are  coming up hard & fast right now.🤔

Maybe  it’s time to dust off that big hairy vision from 5 years ago & check what  else is in my hands to get it off the ground.

Testing  & pruning... Lord, chip away from me everything that doesn't bring You glory.

Wait for it, testimony to follow as soon as I've processed all of this...

I received an email, in my work mailbox that was addressed to Prue, a name I hadn't heard, mentioned or wish I can say thought of in about 28 years.

Coincidentally that's the name of my then 40-year old spinster office manager, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job because during my interview, I admitted we weren't planning having children yet. But then I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM. Oh boy did I ever hear the end of that. How dare I have ended up in hospital when I was to man the office!

Subsequent to losing my baby, I was told to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. One day Clive found me crying on the floor when he got home & phoned her. Fatal mistake, things got even worse for me after that. I thought I'd dealt with the "I can't make mistakes." vow but here's another root to it that needs to be axed. And this could possibly be where "imposter syndrome" was solidified.

So much so, that 7 months later she insisted the boss start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, by then I was pregnant with Jesse & he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.

Fortunately my boss accepted my resignation & was kind enough to send me home immediately with full pay for the rest of the month.

This "get over it" attitude from many was the reason why I never announced a pregnancy again until well after 12 weeks gestation & hence 3 more miscarriages have been buried so deep & unannounced. For decades nobody knew anything about  my loss & grief.

Once again, Holy Spirit has brought something up to the surface so we can lay the axe to the root. Time for the digger to get to my sinful responses, Bitter-Root Judgments, Expectancies, Inner Vows & lies I've come to believe through this experience.

I'm grateful for my tribe who have my back through intercession whilst I work through this.

Proverbs 4:23 TPT

[23] So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.

We are all wounded & have been called to journey together on this journey of life & healing.

We are all wounded & have been called to journey together on this journey of life & healing.

I'm amazed at how God is putting people in place to minister into the different areas of wounding so we can lay an axe to the root of our sinful responses.

Elijah House has been a God sent for me, but I hadn't realised that all those bad job experiences are somehow connected to the areas of stuckness I'm still struggling with. Some more bitter judgements, expectations, inner vows, lies & dishonour to be discovered & dealt with, for starters, Prue... Dang, that email hit hard...🤦‍♀️

Then there's that business leaders meeting, autch😢 Trixi's Creations would benefit much from healing in that area. 🤔 I'm beginning to think this may be connected with "Daddy Issues"... lack of fathering & mothering is oftentimes at the root of many our struggles.

The Healing Trauma series that I run weekly at MBCC teaches that knowledge can never overwrite experience.

When there's a battle between the mind & the heart, the heart always wins. After all, it's what's in our hearts that defiles us. I still wonder sometimes, what was God thinking when He told me to start that🤔 but then again, it's as much a space of healing for me as it is for the attendees. As we are wounded & relationships, so are we healed in relationships. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God & He does that through the body of Christ.

My prayer is that God will bring experiences that will drop the head knowledge to the heart & write God's Truth on our hearts. In time, we'll learn how to represent Christ well & take His healing to the nations, that's why He came & what He commanded us to do. To heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds.🤗💕

I looked in our account, and there it was.

Recognition for all of his hard work. The long hours on the job. The price he is paid for getting it done.

He deserves it, and we need it.

Boy, I’m thankful.

But I don’t get the same for my job as a stay at home mum.

I work so hard every day, and night.

I literally have never worked harder.

Yet mine is purely a labour of love.

My money invisible, like so much of my work.

But that work -

That all consuming, exhausting, relentless work that comes with being a full time mother -

It comes with a wage.

Just not the usual type.

Right now my wage is in the slower mornings I get to have with my kids.

It’s in the cuddles we have throughout the day.

It’s in the new firsts I get to see, and the lasts I may never see again.

I get paid through the quiet little moments we share when no one else is watching, and the chaotic days filled with so much joy.

And boy am I lucky.

No one hands me a check for being a stay at home mum,

But my kids hand me the lottery.

Because I may be broke financially,

But I am rich in heart and soul.

Credits to the rightful owner.👇

Words: Words of Emma Heaphy

Art: O Trocatintas

This has been my reality & for most of my almost 20 years as a stay-at-home & homeschooling mom & even though Clive was the one who at the time, ordered me to resign due to the work stress affecting my health, I've felt guilty because I wasn't "earning my keep" due to a wounding as 16 year old when mom decided finishing school wasn't worth it for me. She took me to Holiday Inn in Vanderbijlpark to go to Hotel School but the manager said I had to complete school I got to go back home.

However, the judgement I had made on myself that I was worthless & LIE I had come to believe at young age that I was worthless if I didn't "earn my keep" caused me to be triggered every time someone mentioned opportunities for me to "earn money" because this experience solidified it in my spirit.

BUT God in His grace & mercy has brought the memory & my sinful responses to the surface 4 months ago to be put to death at the Cross  & now I no longer cringe at the mention of opportunities for earning money.

How timely this Google Photo reminder of my Seasons painting from 3 years ago & this word popped up in between pastor David's 2 sermons on seasons & at a time I'm experiencing a transition.

God is saying to you today, "You are entering a new season, where My promises are being prepared AND delivered. You have overcome the storms. The storms did not overtake you! You have seen what faith & My hand can do, & you never gave up. You pushed through it all, & now it's your turn to receive the blessings that I have purposefully prepared for you & your home.

Tonight my heart is bursting at its seams because I'm seeing God's promises being fulfilled. I just want to sing praises because my cup overflows.

For the first time in decades I'm feeling a joy bubbling up in my spirit. Excitement is building up it almost feels like my chest wants to explode. I want to shout it from the rooftops. "God is so good!

In March I attended the Catch the Fire Beyond 2024 conference. I wasn't going to attend it because of my exhibition being due on the Saturday morning & community paint party in the afternoon but then I saw post just days before & signed up not checking my diary. However I was able to set up my exhibition earlier. After a hectic week, I was exhausted & tempted not to go on Friday night but then I went not wanting my entrance fee go to waste. It was a powerful word by Isabelle Skúlason & I received this prophecy at the end of the teaching...

The Lord is bringing joy for there have been a lot of tears in your heart. There has been a lot of unkindness that came your way. You've often lived in an atmosphere of unkindness. You've experienced a lot of unkindness but you're going to experience the goodness & kindness of the Lord.

God is going to bring you into a place where the goodness of God comes upon you, dear.

You have been hidden but not forgotten.

The Lord wants you to know, dear that He's going to give you a cake & you will eat it too for many times opportunities have been taken from you & people have often pushed you to the back of the line & you have not complained or said anything, dear. I heard the Lord say He is bringing transformation & He will bring you from the back to the front of the line, dear.

You are not alone, even though at times it feels like it. The Lord is also going to defend you for there's been some enemies in your life. In a way unrighteousness took place against you but the Lord is going to bring righteousness in those things & righteousness & justice will come into your life. He will set some records straight & make things quite easy for you for to go forward for you have pushed against the wind a lot, dear, but the Lord is bringing the wind from your behind.

Lift up your countenance. You lower your countenance a lot, dear. Lift up your countenance for God is bringing you into a new freedom.

Refreshment & freedom are being released in your life in this season & in these days.

I've been pondering this prophecy & asking the Lord for experiences that would override my bad experiences because knowledge will never override experience & then suddenly I started to experience God's kindness & feeling the "wind" from behind.

The boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places. 😀 Thank You, Lord that You came to heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds. Thank You for restoring my soul, for putting up protective fences, for bringing comfort, for providing in miraculous ways & for fighting my battles. I love You, Lord.

Freely I have received, so I can freely give. Help me, Lord to represent You well to those You've placed in my basket .🧺 Help me steward well that which You have given me, Lord. More of You, Lord. Pour your love & compassion that I may splash your love all over those around me.

In every area of my heart where my heart is still stuck in fear, Lord will You pour Your perfect love that casts out all fear.

Work in me to will and to act in order to fulfil Your good purpose. Encamp Your angels around me, Lord & increase my capacity to fulfil Your calling on my life.

This painting depicts how God took the broken, shattered pieces of my life & turned them into something beautiful.

Little Harry & his mom, Rose (she's the beautiful lady worshipping on the stage) have such a special place in my heart. I first met him & Rose the 1st time I attended the Hanahlulu Dance practice almost 2 years ago.

During our New Year's Eve Thanksgiving service, Rose shared their testimony about his birth & journey of hardship (from 1.07.20). I was in tears. In spite of all his physical challenges, Harry always smiles & is the most well-behaved little kid when he sits through mom's activities.

His favourite colours are pink & yellow. I wanted to bless him for Christmas, so I poured this fiery pink sky specially for him to make him a flag. Mom's Scripture & the eagle were added digitally so he could have his own flag to dance with us in the foyer during worship. He originally wanted it half the size, but in a forgetful moment I ordered a big on which he decided he was happy to grow into.

I encourage you to listen to their story & be encouraged at how God can & will carry us through the hard times.

In spite of 2 major triggers over the last 4 weeks, I can now officially exclaim the enemy has won no victories & I'm still standing... thank You Jesus that You came to set the captives free & that You will use all the things I've been through for good.

I have good reason to celebrate: new LIFE in Christ.

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭145:1‭-‬3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[1] I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. [2] Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. [3] Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

For the past few months Clive's been pushing me to start a learning channel so I could earn money to fund the ministry I'm doing. For some reason it's made me feel like a bewildered deer being pushed into a corner. I've said it many times before, my focus isn't business & I have to learn to trust that God will provide whatever I need to do the ministry He's called me to. For some reason the mere thought of running a business totally overwhelms me. He wants the learning channel to launch in March, a decision he had made without my collaboration & the more he pushes to get things done, the more triggered I become.

Finally he decided to pull out & just support me in whatever I wanted to do whenever I'm ready & withdrew to his study after which found myself overwhelmed & frustrated in the garden pulling out the overgrown grass edges he was going to do whilst on holiday. I spent the next hour or so crying & pulling out overgrowth until I finally had to stop just because my back was aching & couldn't handle any more.

Then the Lord gave me a memory....

When I was about 16, mom decided I should go to hotel school because it would be a waste of time for me to complete high school. I would live in the hotel, she would "take care" of my salary & give me pocket money. I dared not disagree & felt I had no choice in the matter as she drove me to the Holiday Inn in VanderbijIpark to meet will the manager. However, he disagreed I insisted I come back after I finished high school.

It was dark & raining by the time we drove back home. By the time we got to the N1 onramp mom had to pull off the road & wait for the storm to settle before continuing the journey home. The atmosphere in the car during the hour long drive was palpable, not a word uttered by either of us.

I concluded & judged:

• Mom's love is conditional to how I can benefit her

• I'm not good enough to get job

• If I don't earn money, I'm worthless.

• Do as you're told irrespective of how it makes you feel.

• My opinions & feelings are not important.

I came to expect:

• I won't be valued unless I contribute financially

• People will always use me for their benefit.

• My opinions don't matter I will be dismissed.

• I won't be heard.

I protected my heart by

• Shutting up.

• Complying & following orders.

• Decided not to make waves.

• Decided to be useful.

• Became driven to earn my keep.

• Sacrificed my own needs & opinions to keep the peace.

I came to believe that:

• I'm worthless if I can't contribute financially

• I have to earn my keep.

• My opinions don't matter.

• I'm not important

• I'm not worth being taken care of

This resulted in various ungodly fruit:

• Anger Outbursts

• Fear of failure & success

• Procrastination

• Self Sabotage

• Drivenness to do & be a contributor.

• I was angry, but turned it inward.

If that fear / anger could talk, what would it say?

• fear - I'll be rejected if I'm not contributing

• anger - mom never considered / respected ME.

Having put to death all these lies, judgments, expectations & vows, I can now finally rest in the knowledge, that even if I don't do anything that brings in money, I'm still valuable & loved, not for what I can contribute, but for WHO I am.

Pastor David asked me to share a testimony during our  end of the year Thanksgiving Service...

Psalms‬ ‭103:2‭-‬5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[2] Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— [3] who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, [4] who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, [5] who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

In January 2019, the Lord delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts after watching an online sermon. However, deliverance needs to go hand-in-hand with healing. We can't just clean the house by chasing the demons, but we also have to get rid of the reason why the strong man was there in the first place. Then we must dismantle the stronghold so God can become our refuge & stronghold, otherwise, when we experience a situation that triggers those old feelings, we'll reach for the familiar or we'll replace the false refuges with new ones. My strongholds remained & because my trauma hadn't been resolved, I merely replaced my false refuges with church, choir & serving. When lockdown came the mat was once again ripped out from under me but through God's divine intervention, I stumbled onto Sandra's online "Trauma Training" webinar during which I realised I was the one standing in the need of prayer.

Last January during my B-School small group prayer ministry the Holy Spirit revealed that I had judged mom & dad as cold, distant, emotionally unavailable & unloving. Dishonouring mom & dad set me up for a lifetime of reaping. I had vowed never to become like mom & dad but that didn't go well for me. When we judge, we doom ourselves to do the same things & subsequently I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable. When my boys became older, they too became cold & distant. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right?

Scripture teaches us to honour Mom & Dad. Deuteronomy 5:16 (NASB1995) Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you.

In every area where we dishonour mom & dad things won't go well with us & where my boys are concerned, things weren't going so well. As they got older, they too became cold, distant & withdrawn. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right? However, after repenting & apologising to my boys for my many mistakes as well as continuing to pursue my healing, our relationships have changed significantly in our family.

My biggest transformation happened at C-School in July last year when my strongholds of denial & shame were dismantled. At D-School hidden rebellion & self-hatred was dealt with resulting in a massive improvement in my allergic reactions to food. I can now eat cheese without getting migraines afterwards.

Running the Elijah House Encounter groups have been a massive learning experience for me. When the Lord prompted me to do it last year, my first response was a resounding "no ways, I'm ill-equipped & struggle with social anxiety. Surely, you can find someone better to do it!" but I have since learnt God can do more with my yes than I can do with all the education in the world. Courage & confidence follows OBEDIENCE! I've had to step way outside of my comfort zone & learn to trust that God would give me the ability to do what HE called me to do. I'm learning to lead, to trust, be authentic & also vulnerable enough to allow those around me to lift my arms when I feel weak. However I am now content with my weaknesses because God's grace is sufficient for me & His strength is revealed through my weakness.

With everything I have learnt & recognising my own bad behaviours I can no longer look at others bad behaviour without wondering what traumas are at the root of it. These past 2 years have made a huge difference in my family's lives. As I've healed, I've seen much change happening in my family & because of the change he's seen in my life, Clive has also taken up pursuing his healing. Our 20-year-old has started to come out of his shell more & for the first time in his life I heard him say "I love you" in November.

Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection.

Yes, our pain, trauma & feelings are valid, BUT this is about a journey of healing & restoration through discovering how we have sinfully responded to the offenses & traumatic events. It’s about forgiving those who hurt us from a healed heart & having our broken hearts mended like only Christ can so we can stop bleeding all over those around us. It's time to rediscover & BE the real YOU God has created you to be, not the boxed-up version society has forced you to become. It's time to learn to have FUN, to be still & rest on the Father's lap.

Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment & the handcuffs of hatred. It's the power that breaks the chains of bitterness & the shackles of selfishness - Corrie ten Boom

I discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ.

Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY.

I spent my life suppressing, denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic – Emotional but very few people would ever look you in the eye to search for the truth. We all know what Scripture says will happen to LIARS, right?

A crushed spirit affects us physically, emotionally, & spiritually. However, most people aren't aware of trauma's affects. Even science has proven that many aspects of physical illness are rooted in unresolved trauma because our bodies will manifest what we refuse to deal with. For example, cancer is rooted in bitterness & unforgiveness. Anger can affect your heart, gut & cause headaches. I've woken up every single morning with stomach cramps for decades, but they’ve been gone since D-School prayer ministry. If there's unexplainable aches & pain, even doctors can't find an answer to, it may be worth exploring whether it’s rooted in trauma.

I have dealt with a lifetime of rejection, abandonment & displacement trauma resulting in a lifelong struggle with anxiety & high functioning depression, but when I felt rejected & abandoned by my leaders after as cell leader together with Clive, for 7 years, whilst dealing with various personal crisis, especially Oma Else's death in 2007, I broke & turned my back on Christianity & God. I thought Christians were meant to be different, loving, caring & kind but instead I experienced them ignoring the hurting & struggling. If that's Christianity, I wanted nothing to do with it any longer. That's when I flopped & my high functioning depression turned into a downward spiral of out-of-control numbness. Pain that's buried alive stays alive & over time it morphs & mutates until eventually, it comes out sideways, sometimes in violent outbursts & overreactions until it’s brought to death at the cross.

My brother, Stefan who ignored me for 30+ years because of the lies our mom & stepmother had told him but reached out to reconcile in October 2017 after the Lord had given him a dream in which I appeared at his work, with a little girl that he knew was being molested, asking him to help her. When I had my breakdown in February 2018, he took the first flight out to come support me for 10 days & to this day he messages almost daily even if just to say good morning/night.

God had allowed my structures to be overloaded so I could realise how much I really needed to come home to Him & the church... Then He miraculously drew me to the Northcross choir with a neighbourly post that was 3 years old & the choir director was willing to let me sing with them without being a member of the church but then during worship at our first performance I heard Him say: "Come home my child".

After coming back to Christ in January 2019 & joining Life NZ, I thought I was FINE, because God had delivered me from depression & I had church, choir, creative team, welcome team & serving in the soup kitchen. But then came lockdown, social distancing, vaccine passports & a host of lies, manipulation & control to rip the mat from under my feet...

However, when structures are dismantled, without dealing with the root, we'll find other ways to self-protect. During lockdown, I was also triggered back into deception, manipulation & control trauma resulting in suppressed anger finally hitting the surface & erupting like a volcano. That’s why I was heading back into depression when I was not able to go to church, sing in the choir & serve on team.

Today I am grateful that the Lord “stumbled” me across Elijah House Ministries during the first lockdown to set me on a journey of healing & restoration. I received an email from our Cleansing Stream intercessors leader introducing a webinar as as "trauma training" to teach us to pray effectively for others, because I would have never sought ministry for myself. One of my many inner vows was not to ask for help & I had judged early in life that I must help myself because nobody cares. I cried through most of the webinar but finally realised I needed help & signed up for personal prayer ministry with Sandra.

Unbeknown to me, she put me 3 hours a day for 3 days after receiving my life history form. There’s so much I could share from these 3 sessions alone, but I’ll just highlight a few

I learnt that we are called to judge as God's children & make accurate assessment of right & wrong. We must judge evil to do something about it, but when we are wounded, our assessments become defiled. We begin to judge the person & come to expect this is how life is going to go. Then like Job, we draw all those things we expect to us. I was stuck in so many double-binds resulting from all my wounding.

There was curse of Illegitimacy because of my brother being illegitimate as well as an abortion & the spirit of death had wrapped around me in the womb when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”.

• All my life I’ve felt like an      outsider that doesn't fit.

• Affects identity

Due to childhood emotional neglect as a little girl I would cry to get attention only to be scolded but that to me was better than no attention at all but that’s manipulation which Scripture likens to witchcraft. One of only 2 childhood memories I have, was having my head shoved under cold water. I gasped for air, decided  to never cry again & have suppressed tears & emotions ever since.

FOUNDATIONAL LIES that I had come to believe I were:

• Worthless

• Unwanted

• Never good enough

• A mistake

• There's something wrong with      me

• If I was a boy I would have      been loved more

• My existence is a waste

Sandra’s Vision:

I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have      promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

• Might / mighty

• Strength / strong

• Power / powerful

• Ability / able

• Virtue / virtuous

• Valour / courageous

• Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows became this is who I have to be/do.

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

This is who you are little one:

You've felt helpless, powerless & terrorised all your life

BUT this is what the Lord says how He's made you.

A woman of might, strength, power, ability, virtue, valour, riches & substance.

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry

Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  James 1:2

Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelations 2:10

God removed the orphaned spirit & gave me a spirit of sonship.

My perceived benefits of disconnection/dissociation/withdrawal:

• Protection

• Less hurt

• Survival

BITTER ROOT EXPECTATION: of pain came through experience

• I have to escape this pain      because I can't handle it & it's going to kill me.

INNER VOWS:

• I won't speak up because it      makes things worse.

• I won't fight against wrong      because it's no use.

• Not to do that to my children      when I can't, I trigger back & feel like a failure.

Anger is a secondary emotion & almost always over pain.

• Righteous anger over      injustice was suppressed.

• When we judge, we become what      we judged.

• Don't allow anger, but      suppressed anger turned inward & became depression.

• I picked up where mom left of      & have been doing that to my own heart.

• Angry at myself when I don't      do things just right.

I was created to be someone that protects but moved out of a place of identity into performance & there's condemnation & blame when I don't do it well or not as well as I think I need to but also a fleshly determination.

• God created me to resist      evil.

• I'm a woman of justice.

• I want to fight for right.

• I want to be a justice person      & bring about justice.

• I want to heal.

• I'm like my heavenly Father.

• I'm a valiant warrior.

• Daughter of the King (of      noble birth)

Word of Wisdom:

When parents affirm us, bIess us & compliment us, we have a shelves to receive affirmations, confirmations & blessings.

As I was praying I saw your shelf and there's holes in it, it's like it's really decaying. It's like it cannot hold weight. It's like there is no shelf inside you to receive affirmation, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out the shelf that's actually rotting. We ask that You would build a new shelf, a huge shelf, Lord. Father, You bless & it's your blessing that sustains us, Your blessing that causes us to grow. Father, fill up every wound from things done & said, especially about her identity, who she is, what she does. Would You heal those wounds. Also heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of the necessary good thing, the lack of praise & encouragement. Father that little girl just needed encouragement & she began to lose her courage. Would You encourage her now, Father. Take away all the old soil & things she has been rooted in & held onto to keep her secure.

LOSSES

• childhood

• innocence

• stability

• safety

• friends

• 4 miscarried children

• being able to say NO

• generational grief

Jesus is acquainted with grief, a man of sorrow

My heart has taken a beating, not just from mom, dad & your brother, but also from myself.

Mom & dad neglected me, so I neglected myself

Mom & dad didn't know how to express love, I wasn’t able to express love to myself

Mom never encouraged me to be the best I could be & to call forth those girly things & my achievements, so I’ve been unable to do that for myself.

What mom did to me, I did to myself.

Mom refused to feel sorry for me & I was having a really hard time  to acknowledge my struggle.

I judged mom for not seeing / honouring my heart & for not letting me cry. I've turned around & dishonoured myself, my needs & my own heart.

fear of self-pity

pity = Sorrow for the suffering of another

When we refuse pity, we put up a wall that says " I don't want you to sorrow for my suffering.” Lord, would you break the power of that wall.

Why don't you do the" girly" things?

• It's a waste of time

• My existence is a waste      therefore I won't spend time, money & effort on me = huge dishonour of      me

Not loving & taking care of yourself is bad stewardship.

But the Lord, broke the patterns & has been teaching me how to do those things that I never learnt.

• How to love myself without      being prideful

• How to nurture myself &      others

Be still & know I am here.

INVEST:

The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.

What would that look like?

• Take time to discover what fills your creative well

• new haircut?

• new dress?

• Take the time & money you need for qualifications?

• How can l express the beauty of me?

Well, I assumed it to be education for trauma training, so I purchased & worked through a range of EH Materials & subsequently attended all the schools...

EH teaches us how strongholds develop & how to dismantle them.

A wise person scales the city of the mighty And brings down the stronghold in which they trust. Proverbs 20:22

“Footholds” are given to the enemy when we respond sinfully to trauma/offense.

26Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27

Demons take advantage.

I have learnt that if there’s present day fruit that’s unbecoming a Christian there’s a root & that or overreaction to offense indicated there's unresolved wounding. With the help of the Holy Spirit those roots can be discovered & brought to effective death at the cross of Christ so we can begin to learn to respond to offense to protect our hearts in new, Godly ways.

We need to identify recurring patterns - job losses, betrayals by friends, or personal characteristics which we resented, disliked, or hated in the primary people who raised us, but which we now recognise in our own lives.

A couple of weeks ago I shared my testimony in church together with the announcement of starting up a Healing heARTs 💕 ministry. 

After the service, one of the members came to me with a challenge: He would pay me $500 to do a painting about the Wings of Prayer from Isaiah 40:31 because he was so touched by my message & exhibition. 

I did D-School in July last year thinking it would be a breeze because I'd dealt with all the issues on the index, until we got to the lesson on SPIRITUAL REBELLION. I learnt every person is deeply in spiritual rebellion & in need of being reconciled with Him. 3The foolishness of a person ruins his way, And his heart rages against the Lord. Proverbs 19:3 It's not sin to desire relief from painful or difficult circumstances, but this lesson speaks to the way we reject our lives & ourselves, thus rebelling against God who created us. As a little girl, I thought I should have been a boy so daddy would love me too. If our rebellion remains unhealed it will affect us spiritually, physically & emotionally.

I also dishonoured & rebelled against God by

• turning from life in the womb      when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”,

• hating my names,

• rejecting myself & the      girl He created me to be,

• not believing His truths      about me &

• not being authentic to name      just a few aspects of dishonour & rebellion towards God.

I also learnt that you can't bear fruit unless you abide in the Resurrection. The cross is just the starting point. We must not stay there. Only the Lord knows the hearts of all men. Judgement is wrong because there's bitterness towards the person & we identify them by their mistakes. Because of trauma caused by drunkards in my life, I used to hate anyone who was drunk & in our early years of marriage Clive wasn't even allowed to come near me if he'd consumed any alcohol but today, I can no longer look at a drunk person without asking what the trauma behind the addiction is because ALL addictions are rooted in trauma. Although some addictions are harmless, others are destructive to those around us whilst others are self-destructive. When we see more than our judgement in people it sets them free.

A few more truths I received during D-School group ministry:

• You're a human BEING not a      human doing

• Come my child, my chosen one,      my daughter.

• Stop doing, rest in Him.

• Father of Peace - "My      peace I give to you, My Peace, I leave with you.

• There is nothing wrong      with me." Abide in Him, breathe in Him, His Peace.

• A GOD of LOVE. Allow yourself      to rest & just be.

• God called you by name. He      defined Patrizia (meaning: of noble birth).

• Learn to stay in that Peace.      He goes before you. He will show you the way.

After my group ministry session, I heard the Lord say: "BUT wait, there's more..." apparently, He's not finished with me yet. The Holy Spirit is gentle & takes through the journey as He peels of the layers one at a time like the layers of an onion, but He will not do it unless we allow Him.

These encouraging words received after completing D-School were so totally on the ball with what I've felt all my life & I know that many in the church have had similar struggles & would relate to these...

• I get Pinocchio. You know he      wanted to be a real boy & he did become a real boy. He had the      carpenter. There was love there. He wanted a boy. He wanted a son &      the Father wants His children. I see Him bringing you into your real      identity, that you'll be able to live life. End of the strings. Thank You      Lord, we bless the newness. We bless the realness. We bless Your love for      your daughter, hallelujah. Pinocchio's father's place was a toyshop,      right? Have FUN. Have fun with the Father. Bless you.

• Bless you beautiful. Lord we      just thank you for your amazing grace & amazing transformation that's      just reflecting the glory of the Lord. And we with unveiled faces      beholding as in a mirror are being transformed from glory to glory into      the likeness of the Son. 2 Corinthians 3:18 I was so blessed when I saw      you dancing there well before we started & I just declare fulness of      joy in His presence & dancing queen for the King. I just feel like      there's a coming home for you. It's like "now I fit. I have a home. I      have a country. I have identity. I have a culture. It's okay to be me. I'm      home in the Father's house & it's gorgeous. It's amazing.

• I just declare the boundary      lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. The boundary lines have      fallen for me in pleasant places; surely, I have a delightful inheritance.      I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs      me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand,      I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:6-8

During Elijah House A-School, Sandra had a vision of the Lord wanting to give a mantel of nobility. God had been speaking to me about my name, meaning of noble birth, for a while & I felt it was for me but due to my shame & guilt strongholds was unable to receive it.   At C-School the lord addressed the trauma around my molestation as a teen that had become the foundation of my shame & false guilt strongholds. The lies around my idtentity have been rooted quite deep.  At D-School group ministry the Lord dealt wth some stuckness & some more issues around my identity. as well as my spiritual rebellion in that I had hated myself & my names all my life & had turned from life & rejected myself. On my way to schooll on Friday morning, God reminded me the mantel of nobility is still mine & I  was finally able to receive it.

C-School in April 2022 was the hardest for me because the lessons dealt with sexual abuse trauma. Honestly, I don't remember any of the lessons except, Sandra's comment that we must embrace the fireball of pain to get to our healing & that I cried through most of week's lessons & resisted the urge to run from group sessions all week.

For the first time since it happened to me as a 12-year-old, I had to admit, molestation is sexual abuse.

I felt:

• Violated

• Shame

• Confusion

• Anger

• Betrayed

I protected myself through dissociation & escape. I had told nobody but lived with the secret, guilt & shame for so long that it was affecting my marriage because I lost my ability to "grin & bear it" & was no longer able to tolerate being touched. About 20 years ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty, under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch & I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen, or noticed. I heard the Lord remind me of the word during prayer ministry with Sandra & suddenly it dawned on me that COMFORT was the LIE hiding the real reason I had let go of myself much like "I can't sing / draw / paint" were the LIES hiding my fear of not being good enough. After 2 years wrestling with it, I finally realised INVEST meant embracing the "girly girl" He created me to be & yes, invest in new dresses & everything else that required.

When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. But then the prompting returned on my way to C-School & I still thought it was a crazy idea but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry & that celebration is a testimony on it’s own birthed out of the healing of my heart.

We dismantled the stronghold of denial & henceforth there will be NO more minimisation & denial of pain & trauma. These dismantled strongholds have brought the most noticeable change & freedom in me because the strongholds of guilt & shame affect our courage & ability to be vulnerable around people. "You are glowing" I 've hear people say on numerous occasions since when I tell of what God has done.

On Thursday evening at the Elijah House gathering, I shared my story of my healing ministry journey & how God delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts to my latest deliverance & dismantling of the stronghold of denial, minimisation of trauma & shame in order to survive & protect my heart. 

Throughout my life, my sinful responses, bitter root judgements, bitter expectancies & inner vows resulted repeated trauma & my withdrawal, heart of stone & slumbering spirit, the few remaining of many strongholds of self-protection that I've had in my life. These remaining trauma responses require the Lord loving me back to life through His people but up to C-School healing ministry my self-protection has hindered me from allowing people & even God too close in order to do that. 

We are hurt in relationships & these issues can only be healed in relationships. Intimacy (into me see) however, has been one of my biggest struggles because of shame vulnerability & allowing people to see into me has been extremely hard.  Oom Was shared this poem with me during our conversation after the gathering. It resonated with me & I just couldn't resist decorating it for sharing.

Having an identity is one of the most important things to our human nature. "Personal identity” is tied to our self-worth, how we see ourselves represented on a broad global stage among 7 billion other people.

A name is your identity. It’s what people call you. It’s what you respond to. It’s what you understand about yourself. From the day we are born, we are assigned this identifier. Some people get nicknames or change their name entirely after they are born, but the common thread is a NAME. Every single thing on planet Earth has a name. PATRIZIA: • Meaning of 444 in the Bible: 444 is a symbol of God's righteousness in the bible. • Meaning: The meaning of the name Patricia is: a patrician (an aristocrat or nobleman), of noble birth/descent. TRIXI: • bringer of joy • Meaning: bringer of joy. Trixie as a girl's name is of English origin meaning "bringer of joy." I have spent my life shying away from my name because I had disassociated from myself & people always struggled to pronounce it & would end up giving me nicknames Pat, Patat, Trish to name a few. I've lived by Trys for much of my life & after moving to New Zealand I reverted to Trixi, a nickname my grandmother had given me before we left Germany & was revived during my visit 34 years later after her death. I reverted to Trixi in an attempt to dissociate from my past because Patrizia & Trys reminded me of all the pain & trauma I had experienced throughout my life. All my life, I hated my name (which I learnt last year is actually spiritual rebellion), but after prayer ministry in May 2021, I was told to claim my name back. It's taken a long time, but I've finally embraced my name... & really appreciate those all the more who call me Patrizia.

In May last year during the Elijah House Loved, Chosen, Free seminar prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie, "I am a mistake!", quite oddly Sandra asked me if Trixi was my real name & I said no, my name is Patrizia. She wrote it on her notes & continued ministry. During the lunch break a lady asked me if I knew what my name meant. I didn't but she had checked... Patrizia (a name I've shied away from all my life) means of noble birth & Trixi means bringer of joy. She insisted I ought to reclaim my name. God gave humanity the authority to name things & invest it with all that a name carries: Identity, destiny & calling.

However for most of my life I was known as Trys which has no connection whatsoever to any my names...

A few weeks later it dawned on me that the enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth meaning blessing of God but Oma insisted she give me a decent name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth.

During A-School group prayer ministry we prayed through the issues with accepting my name & I have since taken full ownership of it hence I now introduce myself as "My name is Patrizia but if you struggle to pronounce it, you may call me Trixi.

In January, during EH B-School, Sandra had a vision saying: "I see the Lord with a mantle of nobility. It's yours if you wish to claim it." I felt she was talking to me but due to my stronghold of denial, guilt, shame & a hardened heart I was unable to accept it at the time.

Last week's EH C-School was all about shame & sexual abuse. For the first time since it happened to me 40 years ago, it dawned on me that molestation IS sexual abuse & I was shaken to the core but I had to embrace the fireball of pain in order to get to my healing. All these years I have coped by denying the severity of my abuser's actions & suppressing all the resulting trauma & emotions as well as blaming myself & hardening my heart. During group prayer ministry on Thursday afternoon, the Lord exposed the lies, denial, false guilt & shame subsequently dismantling my biggest stronghold yet.

On Friday morning whilst driving to our last day of classes, the Lord reminded me of Sandra's vision about the mantle & then I heard Him say: "It's still yours, my child, come take your mantle."

A person's name is the greatest connection to their own identity and individuality. Some might say it is the most important word in the world to that person. ... When someone remembers our name after meeting us, we feel respected and more important. It makes a positive and lasting impression on us.

I received this vision from Joy during my Elijah House C-School prayer ministry session:

I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful.

"Well done good & faithful servant"

I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you.

I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special.

Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond.

So precious...

And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became...

a real, true treasure!!!

I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away.

That's a beautiful vision!

What does it mean to you?

The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity.

The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose.

The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths.

The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality.

It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it.

In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟

It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨

In 1989 shortly after being born again I had a nightmare that would haunt me for decades.   

I dreamt I was standing on a rock & the earth was cracking open all around me. Homes would break & huge portions would fall down into the abyss, leving a wave of destruction everywhere. As far as my eyes could see people were scattered & being separated by the earth cracking between them.   

Then suddenly, I woke up in a cold sweat to a loud audible voice saying: " JY MOET AANHOU BID!" (You must continue to pray!" 

I've had so many nightmares during my life but for this one stuck with me & l've often wondered what was up with that but now I believe that it was God's warning to prepare for the turmoil & division in families & churches that we've recently experienced. Sadly, the displacement & trauma this division has left in it's wake will haunt us for generations to come.

At B-School January 2022 I dealt with displacement trauma that was severely triggered by being shut out of church with the discrimination & apartheid of vaccine passports. By the time I stopped counting at 18, we had moved 30 times & when we visited my family in Germany after 34 years, my uncles showed us 4 homes we lived in before we moved to South Africa at 5. I was in 9 primary & 3 high schools. By the time I was 6 I stopped trying to break into the groups because I had decided relationships don't last & spent the rest of my time at school a loner & remained an "outsider", never fitting in anywhere.

Displacement Trauma = Transplant shock. So much energy goes into trying to get established again after every move.

• Not rooted & grounded in love

• Inability to make deep & lasting friendships

• Not connected to extended family

• Country changes.

• No time to re-establish before being moved

I also discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ.

Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY.

I spent my life denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic - Emotional. About 6 years ago, Clive cottoned on to my FINE meaning something different & would ask my fine or your fine?

I also learnt that just like we clearly inherit blessings passed down from our forefathers, trouble passes from generation to generation & it was up to me to break the pattern of generational sin/trauma in my family. Children don't learn what we teach, but what they LIVE. If they live with love & acceptance, they become loving & accepting but if they live with abuse & neglect, they learn to hate themselves. We are all products of our environment & our responses to it. Too often we are the casualties of our parents’ unresolved trauma. There's a pattern of alcohol abuse, violence & divorce in both my parent's families. Even though, Jesus took upon Himself the sins of humanity in Gethsemany - past, present & future; our healing still requires confession, forgiveness & repentance.

It 'runs in the family" until someone decides to put a stop to it. I had to draw the proverbial line in the sand, repent & ask for forgiveness on behalf of previous generations so future generations can be set free from the curse Whatever we don’t bring to effective death at the cross will carry over to our children & their children with increase...

Like much of our walk with God, being freed from generational sin is a process.

For more than 3 decades, whenever I questioned my purpose, this scripture & song would pop into my head. However, due to my own brokenness, I've carried the added guilt & shame of not acting upon what's been on my heart until my path crossed with Elijah House Prayer Ministries 2 years ago. I have since experienced phenomenal restoration & broken down many strongholds. BUT God is not finished with me yet.

I received this word from Kevin at Elijah House B-School graduation...

Father thank You for Trixi & thank You for the journey she's given such expression to.

I see railway tracks, & I just believe that the Lord is, untethering you from things that have held you. You've got such potential & a particular, clear path. I see mountains & I see forests. I see you riding through the open planes, & along the ocean sides. You're a train & the Word of the Lord is that He's the engine & He's got you in there but you're the train & you're carrying many people with you all along are the carriages.

Father bless the Word of the Lord, & the purposes & the freeing of this engine to be able to pull this beautiful train through the pathways already prepared by the Lord. Father prepare the anointing, the precious, precious, precious anointing.

I see Him anointing you afresh for different assignments. Thank You Father & it's like He's kept in heaven things reserved for you for this time.

Your story causes you to look back but the greater the healing, you're going to be seeing more & more forwards. I prophesy that over you now, that your vision is turning 180 degrees & you're not going to be looking back through the years going forward but casting forward. Father I bless the vision with awesome healing.

I've pulled through my hardest trigger season yet & am still standing because God added some awesome people to my life in the last few weeks. Being able to go to church in-person for the last 3 weeks, has also made a huge difference. There's a very good reason why Scripture teaches us not to neglect the gathering of the saints. We are so much stronger TOGETHER. There's joy in the house of the Lord.

Today I celebrate 3 years walking in victory. A few weeks ago I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it this time BUT once again God has intervened. I woke up on old year's eve & just felt different. I can't really explain it but was as if the feelings of overwhelm, heaviness & displacement of the last 4 months had just been "switched off" overnight.

Our home group leader's wife said on Thursday that she could see a difference since we started attending on 12 December but then again these 6 weeks of weekly worship, Scripture discussions & fellowship have been instrumental in this breakthrough. Being loved back to life only happens in the context of living & being able to serve each other in a community.

What the enemy meant for evil God has once again used for good.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 2nd intercessor's vision:

I see a very old style CD Player, stuck in a groove, it keeps repeating. Then I see Jesus saying: "give it to me and I'll give you a new CD."

You've been hearing & listening to the same old lies over & over. It's time to bring those lies to Jesus so He can replace them with God's Truth.

With the manipulation, coercion & blackmail  for 💉 I was triggered back into the trauma & shame of the generational curse from the holocaust based on my birth in Germany as well as the blame & shame caused by apartheid in South Africa where I was raised. I had carried blame & shame that wasn't mine to carry, all my life & it was time to bring it to the cross. 

I heard: "It's all your fault." but truth is, I had nothing to do with either of these incidences. The blame & shame is not mine to carry. I'm not responsible. 

Having stood up against the injustice of apartheid & discrimination all my life, I ain't stopping now.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 1st vision

Heaviness, some physical problem manifested in the spiritual realm that is holding on to something, anger or unforgiveness. Spring water is pouring out onto this person spiritual cleansing that will bring healing and joy.

What the enemy meant for evil God is using for good...

In Nehemiah 13, we read of Nehemiah’s final reforms. They read from the ‘Book of Moses’ (v.1) how ‘Our God… turned the curse into a blessing’ (v.2). This is the pattern throughout the Bible. ‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him’ (Romans 8:28). What you are facing in your life right now may seem like a curse – a health issue, a battle in a relationship, a difficult boss, or whatever. It may seem like a curse but God can turn the curse into a blessing.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 3nd intercessor's vision:

I see a  skydiver jumping out of an airplane, speaks to me of this person  needing to take a leap of faith, trusting in the Lord.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

A quick digital painting based on a vision received from a prayer partner on on of our Tuesday morning prayer meetings a couple of months ago. When life seems uphill & you're wondering how much further you can go, look back & see how far you've already come.

"This is how I felt after the reality of this morning's announcement hit home. Medical apartheid is officially being rung in by our authorities. My heart aches for the injustices millions are suffering at the hands of our ""single source of truth"" authorities tyrannical measures to force an experimental 💉 on the whole nation. I stand for God-given freedom of CHOICE. We're effectively being held hostage until 90% 💉 is reached😡🤯💔

BUT God... nothing can separate me from His love."

Psalm 42:5 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul?

And why art thou disquieted in me?

Hope thou in God:

For I shall yet praise him For the help of his countenance."

Ezekiel 11:19 KJV

And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:

Well over 3 decades ago I received this scripture as part of a prophesy by an American preacher who was visiting our church. At the time I thought it was related to the promise included in his prophesy that God would restore my family & He would turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers Malachi 4:6 KJV

However, recently I realised that word was for me... I have a heart of stone resulting from decades of self protection...

By the time I was 6, we had already moved at least 4 times & when we migrated to South Africa I lost everyone I knew. Many more moves & being the "new kid" in class for 12 different schools followed. With only snail mail available back then all connections were lost so I decided not to make friends, because friendships don't last. I built walls around my heart, hardened my heart, disconnected & shut people out.

The heart of stone is formed as a protection & is by nature private. Healing it cannot be done alone. It needs to be resurrected. It is not melted by authority, but rather by the love of Jesus. We must be ambassadors of that love. We cannot heal the heart of stone by ourselves. We need people to journey with us. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God THROUGH His people. It must be healed corporately, by the Body of Christ. The process of healing is apt to be slow/progressive, like peeling an onion.

People help bring hearts to life.

• Appropriate & intentional touching & hugging is required.

• Loving prayers spoken to reach the heart of the inner child.

• Truthful friends

• Practice confession of sins & weaknesses.

• Help build loving support through family, church & small groups.

• Honour the heart.

• Put in new ways of protection.

• Guarding your heart in the RIGHT way is turning to God.

And herein now lies my purpose: being an ambassador for Christ & loving people back to life.

In July 2021, A-School taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again & can't be trusted. We make judgements about people & subsequently inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do the same thing. We harden our hearts & shut others out. This sets up for a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown.

Often we reap the judgement & consequences of dishonouring parents. I learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we will become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. As a little girl, I had hardened my heart & shut people out because keeping them at a distance makes rejection & abandonment les painful, or so I thought. When I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows I had made even before birth had set me up for some serious reaping.  Every single lesson had moments of realisation when I would think "oh dear, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I’ve brought to effective death at the cross.

I discovered I am performance orientated & constantly keep falling back into striving to earn love by performing. We often live unaware that motives other than God’s love have begun to corrupt our serving through striving, tension & fear. I also learnt that we see God through our trauma-tainted glasses & relate to Him according to our judgements, expectations & inner vows. As a tiny girl, my basic trust had been shattered still find myself wondering “Can I really trust Him?”

I received an email from the lady who interceded whilst I was receiving prayer after intercessor training because I had been severely triggered by the lesson. 

"I had an image come to me of a ‘cloud’ of cotton wool being wrapped around you, and felt the Lord was saying He is wrapping you in cotton wool. 

There is a saying that an ‘over-protective parent wraps their child in cotton wool’ and is often considered a negative thing, but in this case it was definitely a positive thing.

Your Heavenly Father, like an over-protective parent is wrapping you, his beloved child, with His protection. Except that God is ‘perfectly-protective’!  

Be encouraged to know your Father loves you, and loves to protect you. May you relax into His loving arms, find rest in His wrap-around embrace, and be at peace as He holds you close."

Isaiah 61:10 I greatly rejoice in the Lord, I exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation and wrapped me in a robe of righteousness, as a groom wears a turban and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

My first attempt in my journal was rather disappointing so I tried again this time using my tablet & Infinite Painter app.

I received prayer ministry during healing prayer ministry training recently. This painting is based on a word received as confirmation that I am welcome in this world. God was there at birth, held me first & covered me with love.

Romans 8:14-17

14For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. 15For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 16The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

My lifelong struggle has been feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved & not belonging here. During healing prayer ministry session at healing prayer training, the Holy Spirit took me back into the womb & dealt with the root of those feelings. This was a confirmation received by means of a vision one of the intercessors had.means of a vision one of the intercessors had.

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.

In May 21 I attended the Loved, Chosen & Free Seminar, a 1-day healing shame seminar. The first session was working through a worksheet of shame strongholds & ticking never/seldom/painfully so & of the 36 items listed, I shamefully admit almost all were "Painfully So".  After the lesson, I found myself up front with Sandra for a live prayer demo to dismantle the foundational lie I had come to believe that "I am a mistake". During the demo Sandra asked if Trixi was my real name upon which I had to own up to Patrizia. During lunch a lady came up to me saying Trixi, you need to claim your name back do you know what it means? I replied that I didn't & very excitedly she reported it means "of noble birth" & that Trixi means "bringer of joy". As I mentioned in my previous testimony, the attack on my identity started in the womb & not owning my name & it’s meaning was just part of that.

I've only been painting for 6 months mostly watercolour & was told to paint myself as a tree at my counselling session earlier this week, so here goes my first attempt... I must admit I didn't enjoy doing acrylics on canvas as much because the paint just dries so fast it was hard to get everything covered on time.

Good solid tree right there! Not easily blown about by whichever wind is blowing.

Full of lush growth and strong supporting branches.

Practice makes progress...

When I had prayer ministry with Sandra, the discussion around this tree came up. She said:

• A plant will only grow as big as the container you put it in.

• What was received from mom was so little that heart roots weren't able to grow deeply on a soul level.

• Spirit was able to get past the barriers but the soul is struggling.

• When a plant is root bound the water doesn't get through for nourishment properly.

• The narrowing in the stem indicates the constriction of the soul as a child.

• Lacking soul development.

• Jesus designed the branch & the trinity.

• Roots are good & strong.

• Tree is healthy.

• Lack of fruit. Not doing what I was called to thus not bearing fruit.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spreads out its roots by the river,

And will not fear when heat comes;

But its leaf will be green,

And will not be anxious in the year of drought,

Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Jeremiah 17:8

• There is a season between the      flowers & the fruit. Pre-fruit season.

• Good fruit

• Seeking prayer ministry

• Being able to repent

• Being close to God

• Performance if we're not      doing we don't have tangible results.

• Jesus didn't have much      visible fruit in the first 33 years but when the time was right it all      came.

• when the time is ripe the      fruit will show

I discovered some truths about me according to Isaiah 61 & 62 this morning.

I will:

• Rebuild ancient ruins.

• Restore former desolations.

• Renew ruined cities.

• Be known as the Lord’s priests & ministers of our God.

• Receive DOUBLE portion in place of shame.

• REJOICE in place of disgrace.

• Have eternal Joy.

• Be clothed with garments of salvation.

• Be wrapped in the robes of righteousness.

• Nations will see your righteousness & kings your glory.

• God will give you a NEW NAME.

• You will be a GLORIOUS CROWN & a ROYAL DIADEM in the Hand of God.

• No longer called desolate & deserted.

• The lord DELIGHTS in you & REJOICES over you.

• You will be called SOUGHT OUT 7 not forsaken.

Recently a word of knowledge, although intended as an encouragement, unleashed all power of darkness in a battle for my mind. 

All hell broke loose in my spirit followed by nightmares, angst & an intense spirit of heaviness on my chest. I felt really intimidated for days until I finally reached out for support. Thankfully, God has surrounded me with community who has my back & prays with me when I don't know how to pray for myself. Peeling off the layers is a slow & sometimes painful process & yes it does provoke the enemy to attack in an attempt to prevent you from getting your breakthrough. Just keep at it & don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Yes, I'm talking to MYSELF too, asking for help has been of my biggest challenges. Some of my most recently renounced inner vows were "I will not ask for help; I have to take care of myself; I have to protect myself" because of my bitter root expectation that nobody cares anyway. We are stronger together, hence his constant efforts to keep us disconnected. UNITED we STAND, but divided we will fall.

10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Jesus never promised us that we would not have trouble, in fact, He said that in this world we WILL HAVE TROUBLE but take heart, He has OVERCOME the world.  (John 16:33)

Putting on the armour of God is something all of us should be doing every morning because we do not wrestle against flesh & blood. Be sober & vigilant because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As soon as we step out into our purpose we become a threat to his evil schemes & he will stop at nothing to take us out. 

Putting it down on paper has not been easy. I tried a couple of times unsuccessfully until I re-discovered a painting program on my tablet the other day. Painted the background digitally. The texts were created in WordCloud & I used Affinity Publisher to combine it all. 

My breakthrough 

During lockdown last year I had to deal with my lack of courage to step out & speak up as well faulty belief that my voice has no value. 2 unrelated people assisted  Interestingly the 1st person had me draw a lion to symbolise being bold. Sadly my first attempt at drawing Simba turned out to be Scar so I was determined to try gin later. Then I received the word that God was giving me my roar back during prayer ministry with Sandra.

Proverbs 28:1

"The wicked flee though no one pursues,

but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

 From the moment of conception parents pour into the "treasure chest" of who we are:

• Love, gentleness, compassion

• Truth... Even before we can cognitively understand
  Important truths of who we are & also truths of who God is, are instilled by the nurture of caring parents.
   

Parents call us forth into life, & help us learn to walk in our destiny & purpose. If we choose to open our hearts & take it in:

• We are empowered to receive love

• Parents are building storage shelves / places to receive love, compliments etc.

• Our capacity to love others is enlarged

•  I was created to love & be loved

• We begin to fulfil the very purpose for which we were created... To receive love & give it away

• We need to receive the gift of honour from people.

• Whatever we missed as babies He can rebuild.

• Fathers help children discover up to 80% of their identity.

• Fathers call us forward & speak into us.

During 1 of my 3 hour prayer ministry sessions with Sandra, I received this word of knowledge:

Everyone has a shelf to receive love, affirmations, compliments etc. but your shelf is ful of holes  & no shelf at all. There is no shelf in you to receive affirmations, praise & compliments.

Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out he shelf & build you a new one. He will heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of love, validation & encouragement.

Revelation 21:5

Behold I make all things new.

When we're traumatised & wounded as little children, we start to believe the lies that we perceive from our experiences & surroundings. We learn what we LIVE & loose our identity in God to that which the world has forced upon us. During prayer ministry the Holy Spirit addressed some of the foundational lies that have weighed me down all of my life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

• Feisty

• Strong spirit

• Fighter

• Warrior

Spirit of death wrapped around in the womb.

Jesus makes everything new!

"I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have      promised.

• Daughter of the King

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry"

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...

These are some truths that were revealed during my prayem ministry with Sandra.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

• Might / mighty

• Strength / strong

• Power / powerful

• Ability / able

• Virtue / virtuous

• Valour / courageous

• Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows become this is who I have to be/do

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

During my coaching with Vicky last week the first of my limiting beliefs: "What I say is not important enough for me to speak up" was exposed.

My homework assignment was to create an affirmation statement to replace this belief with: "What I say has value".

This week I'm learning to get used to hearing my own voice after all, faith comes by hearing.

As I prepared for tonight's connect group launch, I was reminded of this Scripture & God's purpose for my life.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord , And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord , that He may be glorified.” And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.

Isaiah 61:1‭-‬4 NKJV

As Christ followers, the same Spirit that raised Him from the dead is also on us.

For decades I've felt called to take His healing to the nations but always felt so ill-equipped. And of course my disobedience due to fear brought its share of guilt & shame to add to what I was already feeling.

Last week I signed up for the 3 days Navigating the Times and Season Healing Trauma Webinar this week to help me with the Cleansing Stream prayer ministry I'd signed up for earlier this year. Little did I know then that what I thought was meant for equipping, God would use to dig deep & start addressing some of the deepest traumas in my own life. I am comforted to know that God will use everything I've been through for good & my ministry lies in those areas where I have been so brutally broken & restored.

Stepping out of the boat is a little nerve-wrecking but I've got this, or rather God's got me. After all He has already given me everything I need for life & Godliness & He will put His words in my mouth. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me to lead me & guide me in everything He has sent me to do.

Lockdown had triggered me back into my lifelong struggle with rejection & abandonment but God overwhelmingly started speaking to me about stepping out into my purpose. A message that really struck home during this time was that there were 12 disciples in the boat when Jesus said: "Come", not mentioning any one. Only 1 believed enough to step out...

Matthew 14:29

So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"

Mixed media. Started colouring this one in my creative connect group this morning & finished it at a local church art group this afternoon. Watercolour painting number 3 since facing my immense fear of painting head-on last week.

This month, 3 years ago I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants, because I ran out a week ahead of my scheduled appointment with my doctor. This is  something we’re told we should never do, but God helped me through the mild withdrawal symptoms & 4 months later, He miraculously lifted the spirit of heaviness that had plagued me all my life…

So, I'm not usually one to post much on social media, but I'm feeling especially heartbroken about the situation back home. I may not be in the country anymore, but i see all the heartbreak and the pain. It makes me so angry to see how bad this situation is that people find themselves in.

I've been watching people's stories and posts, keeping up with the news. I see all the women who are considering leaving the country of their birth, their homes, for fear of what may happen to them and those they love. What happened to Uyinene Mrwetyana was terrible. What happens to women on a daily basis, that people have ignored and accepted for this long is a nightmare.

I'm so proud of all the people who are taking a stand, who are bringing these issues to light. Those who are fighting, campaigning, and speaking out. I pray for the safety of my friends and family, and for all women living in this environment.

Through all the pain, suffering, and negativity there is so much coming together. There is true beauty in the strength that people are showing. Fear is no longer enough to hold you back. Women should never be the target, and I'm glad to see so many men taking the responsibility to lead this charge amongst those who would fight to prevent themselves from becoming just another victim.

I am proudly South African, and I hope that the people of my homeland can keep holding onto what makes them a beautiful people. Stay strong, and keep fighting. Make the country beautiful, and a place where all can feel safe and accepted as they are meant to be. I hold onto hope.

#StrongerTogether

~Ascher 'AJPanda' Snyman

I couldn't have expressed my thoughts better myself. Thanks for sharing Suzy.😘

Seeing all these incidents on my feed have been a major anxiety trigger for me & for the first time in 7 months the tightness on my chest was back. A very unwelcome reminder of my own experiences as a teen followed by years of guilt, shame, anxieties & depression. Yesterday I wanted to go sit in a corner where it would be so easy to fall back into depression & cry my heart out but today I'm grateful that God loves us enough to forgive our wrong choices & is able to restore us. Thankfully 2 hours worth of choir practice has helped ease off the weight. Obviously God isn't finished with me yet & though this may be a setback, I will rise up stronger & bolder once He's done with me.

I for one will no longer be silenced by guilt & shame but instead rise up & share my testimony of how God is able to pull us out of the pit, heal & restore us if only we'd humble ourselves & pray.

My heart aches for the nations of this world, all products of a fallen society that have turned away from God, following their own lustful choices & leaving hurt & destruction wherever they go.

My thoughts & prayers are with all affected by such hideous crimes.

I don't know where my immense fear of painting came from.

That voice in my head just kept telling me I can't do it because I'm just not good enough.

It became so loud over the years that I've never wanted to try for fear of failure.

I joined an art group recently with a lovely Korean lady leading it at a local church & due to her encouragement I finally got myself some paint.

This is my first ever watercolour painting since primary school on plain A4 paper (because I was afraid to do it in my Bible or journal) that I did at art group today.

"See you can!" was her first response hence I added "I can!" at the bottom.

I may just frame this for my studio as a future reminder that if ever I find myself doubting my abilities again.

Still on the subject of discovering my identity & God-given purpose... This is the Scripture I received at prayer meeting this morning. God knew me before I was even born.

He sanctifies & ordains us. He sends us forth to expand His Kingdom & doesn't expect us to be qualified. because He equips us for the task. He gives us the right words to speak & shows us the way.

Thank you, Lord that we don't have to depend on our own abilities & qualifications to do that which You have sent us to do.

Much of the hurts we experience in relating to ourselves and others stem from our poor understanding of a father. Adam failed to demonstrate Father God's love to his children & for generations we have done the same. All of the best that an earthly father could ever offer to his children originated in God. Everything changes when we instil God's love into our families because it's the missing ingredient for the success of a family. In order to function well in relationships we need to understand God's Father-heart.

God's passionate love focuses on family. His nature & essence is love & He wants us to experience that love. The passion of Christ was to introduce us to the Father & connect us with His love. Everything we desire in terms of loving relationships is found in Him.

Sometimes in life things happen that make you wonder how anything good can come from situations you may find yourself in. Then we reflect & realise how God's protected us through it all & that His grace is sufficient for us to deal with every card we're dealt if we would just learn to trust Him through it all. Instead of focusing on the challenges we need to change our perspective & see the opportunities for God's miracle working power to be revealed.

Getting hit by a truck backing out of a driveway wasn't part of my planning when I left the church prayer meeting this morning but praise God except for my car & ego, no one was injured.

I'm thinking the enemy didn't want our Fatherheart of God book study at 10am to happen because it's digging deep & dealing with some more buried issues I'd thought I'd dealt with. This was the 2nd week in a row I wasn't able to go but the other ladies decided not to continue without me.

Now this to me is a classic illustration of the blessing of both.

Truck = 1 / Toyota = 0 characterised 😜

As a matter of fact many doctors today don't even consider you pregnant unless you've reached 12 weeks. And yes, it's holding in the pain & anguish that eventually leads to depression that can ultimately destroy you. All 4 of mine were within the first 12 weeks. Only the 1st others knew about & the lack of support I received & people's invalidation of my pain, guilt & shame (yes, you do feel guilty & ashamed) caused me not to mention the others until many, many years later, but it's been a burden so heavy to bear alone & was part of the reason I eventually found myself in a pit of depression so deep that I no longer wanted to live.

Talking about it brings it out in the open & removes the enemy's power to use it in accusations against you. The truth sets us free to overcome.

However there is hope in Christ. He reached down into the pit to lift me out & give me a new life & renewed hope & can do the same for you. Today I pray for everyone walking on this path for healing & restoration in this area. I feel your pain & it wasn't your fault. Bring it to Him & allow Him to turn it into a testimony of His goodness & mercy. Call on Him & He will answer.

And with these Identity Statements (created in Photoshop) my friend & I finished off our "Healing the Soul of a Woman" book study by Joyce Meyer Ministries.

One of the biggest challenges in my life has been my lack of knowledge of my identity in Christ bringing with it a lack of self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy & fear of rejection. These statements are meant to help me transform my mind when I think of myself in any way other than what God's Word says about me.

God has done some wondrous healing in our lives through this study. I must admit having an accountability partner was good because at times the questions were tough & would have been tempting to give up again if I did it alone like I did last year after chapter 1. Next term we start Father-heart of God by Floyd McClung.

Praise the Lord!!! I think I have finally overcome my audition anxiety.

This one's taken a while after losing my voice when I was supposed to audition at the end of May & it was gone for about weeks. Obviously God wasn't finished with me yet & I needed to complete the Cleansing Stream to break the strongholds that have been on my life all these years.

I will start out with events choir until they manage to get enough people for the Life North Campus. I might even consider joining the Life Central choir for their monthly practice. It will take some time, training & confidence building to eventually make it into the Sunday worship team.

Did I mention that "King of My Heart" by Bethel Music was the most challenging song I've ever had to learn, not because of the difficulty but the enemy attacks? I have never in my life struggled so much memorising song lyrics & tune. This was also my first attempt at singing to a backing track. I tend to feel a little unsure when I'm singing all alone.

This is me finally stepping into that vision the Lord gave me back in 1988 but life had taught me to believe I wasn't good enough. Now I've proved to myself that those were all lies to stop me from reaching my potential & walking in God's purpose for my life. Wish me luck as I take my first step trusting God who began the good work in me to complete it.

Let the King of my heart

Be the mountain where I run

The fountain I drink from

Oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the shadow where I hide

The ransom for my life

Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

And let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

And You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

Oh 'cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

Last year around this time Pastor Steven Furtick's sermons started popping up in my Facebook feed after I hit rock bottom in my life long struggle with depression & anxiety. It some stage I was binge watching sermons because it felt like God was speaking right at me with every sermon.

He reached down into my pit of depression & suicidal thoughts & lifted me out. Today I've been depression free for 5 months. I have just completed the Cleansing stream & had generational soul ties, orphaned spirit, victimhood, bondages & other curses broken. I'm free at last & for the first time in my life I know that I know that He was there all along in those moments I felt lost & abandoned.

The last 49 years have been preparation. Now I'm am all fired up to take His healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love & set the captives free.

In August 2018 I did a search for Christian choirs & found one at Northcross Church that didn't require me to be a member of the church because I had absolutely no intention to go to church because of previous hurt that prevented me from going to church for 11 years. All I needed, or so I thought was corporate worship. During our first Sunday morning performance in church, God was speaking & I felt myself drawn to find a church to call home & be planted in. In November my osteopath suggested I try Life, & finally, in January 2019 I walked into the doors at the North Campus & was met with an overwhelming feeling of being "home". That morning I re-dedicated my life to God & He put me on a path of recovery. I still spent a lot of time listening to online sermons and during the prayer of one of Sarah Jakes Roberts' sermons I felt the weight of depression being lifted off my chest.

Even though deliverance was instant, remaining free & walking in victory over depression has been a daily process of spending time with God to renew my mind according to His Word. I spend a lot of time Bible journaling to keep the enemies lies under control. I have believed these lies for so long that it takes a daily effort to choose which voice I will be listening to. Changing my inner narrative has been my daily challenge but I am grateful that when I am weak, He proves His strength through me. I still fight off the natural reflex of self-isolation & often have to boot myself out the door for creative team & church. But without those activities I feel lost & defenceless. The enemy’s attacks never stop, but now I know that when I’m at my weakest, God carries me.

I had spent most of my life struggling on & off with high functioning depression & anxiety due to complex PTSD caused by all these traumas. All my life I identified with guilt, shame & worthlessness well hidden behind fake smiles, workaholism, busyness & servanthood. I was convinced I was unlovable, worthless, after all my own brother had ignored me for 30 years & my mom & sister only knew my number when they wanted something. My need for love & acceptance drove me to do anything I could to be accepted & appreciated. My inability to set healthy boundaries left me vulnerable to exploitation by those who knew me only for what they could get from me. I would give until it hurt & seldom received anything back, which of course confirmed the lies I had come to believe about myself. I had sacrificed myself & everything I was meant to be on the altar of my need for acceptance instead of receiving & accepting my validation from the One who had created me.

There are still many areas in my life where I need God's intervention to change the fruit of my sinful responses, but I am becoming more aware every day that God doesn't love me for what I do but for who I am & that I'm not condemned when I mess up. His grace is sufficient & He doesn't expect me to change to be accepted but He loves me too much to leave me the way I am & is constantly showing me areas where healing & restoration is required. He is walking with me through this furnace to burn off everything that is not of Him.

I now call Life North home. It brings me great joy to sing in the choir, serve on the welcome team, attend weekly prayer meetings, serve in our Henderson Community Kitchen & last but not least host a small Creative Connect Group at my home on Friday mornings.