About Me List

We attended the City Impact Global Conference last night. This is a snippet from John Bevere's message on pursuing holiness…

WE have made holiness the end goal but it is a doorway.

1. Positional Holiness Ephesians 1:4 NKJV → being dedicated & separated unto God. We are holy in Christ.

2. Behavioral holiness that matches our position 1 Peter 1:14-15 AMP.

• Hebrews 12:14 teaches us to pursue holiness. We ought to chase after with the intent to apprehend. It speaks of intensity & urgency.

• 'He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.”'John 14:21

• Relationship with God is given by grace.

• The New Testament Commands are for pursuing intimacy with Christ. 2 Corinthians 7:1 tells us to cleanse ourselves of the filthiness of flesh & spirit - perfecting holiness & the fear of God.

• God's grace empowers us to live a holy life. We ought to be holy as He is holy.

• 'But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts. ' 1 Thessalonians 2:4

• All too often our motives are driven by WHO we want to PLEASE

• There are 3 Images that drive our motives

  • Perceived image the way others see us

  • Projected Image the way we want other people to see us

  • Actual Image our true image. What God sees & will endure

Aiming to please God will ultimately lead to pleasing others, including bosses & of course, those around us will reap the fruit of our pleasing God. 😊 BUT pleasing others should never be the driving force of our motives.

However, oftentimes our natural giftings may become twisted through wounding. For example, the spirit of excellence can turn into perfection when, in our wounding, we decide that we will not make mistakes, that we would strive to please people and that we have to be perfect. We perform out of fear & lack of faith in order to be accepted & to belong.

The Holy Spirit is still working with me to get the twist out of my giftings. Please bear with me & hold me accountable when you discern ungodly motives. 🤗💞

🎼🎶This song in my heart❤️, this song in my soul, this song I was born to sing🎤, 

it's Your song🎸 of freedom. Now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎵

🎶I'll sing🎤 in the darkness, I'll laugh🤣 in the rain, rejoice in Your love💞 again. 

It's Your song🎸 of freedom, now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎶

🎊🥳🎉

Clive & I spent some time away in New Plymouth this week, for a little bit of rest & reprieve. A whole 373km travelling, that would have taken us maybe 4 hours back in South Africa took almost 5 hours & for most of the time it was pouring with rain. By the time we got from the car into our accommodation, we were drenched.

After our committee meeting Elias challenged me to get bored enough to do some painting, reading or.... writing 📖🖊

It was just too cold to unpack my easel, but finally started working on the AFTER painting for Donal's vision from 2 years ago for which the BEFORE version has been waiting to be completed for almost 2 years. The benefit of painting digitally was that I could remain huddled under a blanket to stay warm without the risk of getting paint all over it.

On Tuesday it was still cold, rainy & windy We had breakfast at Manous Café & Restaurant. Then we took advantage of the break in rain to explore some beautiful churches until the rain returned & we went to the museum & shopping center to stay relatively dry.

I spent the evening painting & writing some more. I also ended up working on an email I was tasked on Monday but I was fretting & avoiding it.

For some reason the LIE, "I can't write!" just didn't want to budge, or so it seemed & Elias wasn't giving me an easy way out. He wants to see the UGLY.

On Wednesday it was still icy cold. After a  lazy morning, we had a lovely lunch at the Treehouse Bar & Bistro. It was cold but dry enough that we were able to take a walk along the beach at Paritutu Centenial Park.

By Wednesday evening, there was another email to type up for some new members. This time it took me about 30 minutes to type but another 2 & half hours of agonising before I sent it off for approval.

On Thursday we woke up to clear, sunny skies, but we were due to leave by 10am to head home. We managed to get a couple of snapshots along the way & got home around 4pm.

Back at work this morning I was singing & humming again.

We're currently gearing up to arrange a conference for 250 people, a responsibility that's going to be entirely on my shoulders which reminds me of a previous colleague's regular comment "Pak maar, Patrizia se skouers is breed!" (Keep packing, Patrizia has broad shoulders)

Up to now, the biggest events I've arranged entirely were our wedding & our 30th wedding anniversary dinner. During my 5 years as Moms in Action Secretary, the chairlady did all the planning, organising. I did all admin, the invitations, the tracking, helped setup the venues & followed orders.Quite honestly, a couple of weeks ago the thought of organising events scared the hell out of me and for a moment there I felt intimidation & inadequacy but the warrior in me is finally rising up to the challenge.

At least on the writing front I'm making progress. I had to do another email. Elias wanted the UGLY & this time it took maybe 20 minutes & this time there was very little anxiety around having him approve it.

What I've recognised this week is that there was still residual of that darn old fear of rejection, my voice has no value & need for approval...

I also realised that I have spent my life living in compliance, just following orders, doing as I was told & not having a voice. I don't quite know what to do with all this newly found trust in my abilities when I'm still doubting myself.

God gave me my voice back in June 2020 & now Elias is giving me opportunities to use it but I'm still unsure how to do that. I may not be the Lion, but it has fallen onto me to release His roar. Intellectually, I know my words have value because I'm a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ that speaks encouraging, life-giving words to build others up. However there are still some areas of my little-girl heart that need evangelising.

What I've learnt this week, is that even when we've repented of our judgments& expectations & renounced the LIES we've come to believe, the enemy will continue to bring doubt to try to stop us from walking in the victory Christ has already won for us.

Just like the spirit of heaviness that still comes knocking regularly these LIES, too will have to be resisted until God helps me smash them completely. I just need to acknowledge that it's just a current belief that He will help me smash.

The question, "Did God really say...?" Started in the garden of Eden but will continue haunting us until Christ returns in glory & splendour.

Our old sinful habits won't die easily & the new ways of protecting our hearts are like muscles that need to be practiced & flexed to become stronger over time. There is no long-lasting, quick-fix to our old sinful nature. When we ask God to move a mountain we have to be prepared to wake up next to the shovel... it takes DISCIPLINE & ACCOUNTABILITY to learn to walk in new, Godly ways.

We have to continuously abide in the Vine. Without Him, we will easily succomb to the temptations to return to the familiar every time something unresolved resurfaces.  We have to see to it that we don't come short of the grace of God & that no root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:15

Yet again, knowledge will never overwrite experience & the only way to gain experience, is by getting into the water & learning to swim.

God has graciously & miraculously provided this job so I could see for myself that I am indeed CAPABLE & WORTHY. I'm also learning the skills I need for my big, hairy, audacious dream. I'm slowly starting to see the bigger vision, how God is repositioning me & adding people who are here to help. Things are slowly falling into place.

Even though it's tough at times, I am grateful that the Lord has teamed me up with a great man of faith who exemplifies ‭‭1 Peter‬ 5:3‬ to not lord it over the people assigned to their care, but lead them by their own good example. He won't give me a "get out of jail free card" but draws out the potential & holds me accountable.  He sees the glimpses of Diamonds & gold in me & is constantly challenging me to discover those God-given skills & abilities, I have have been unable to see for so long.

I'm finally learning & accepting that asking for help, even from Copilot, is not a sign of weakness, failure or even inauthenticity. I'm thankful Elias has loads of experience I can learn from, that he believes in me & that he's here to help.

It's not by power nor might, but by My Spirit, says the Lord

Once again, God has done great & wonderous things for me...

‬[11] You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, [12] that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Psalms 30:11-12 NLT

Once again, God has done great & wonderous things IN & trough me...

• 34 odd years ago, I was known at Sanlam Head Office in Bellville, Cape Town as the girl that was always walking around singing... it's been a long time, but that singing girl is resurfacing.

• He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.

• The lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places.

• He has set my feet to dancing & my heart rejoicing…

• I will rejoice for He has made me glad!

IN his presence, there is fulness of JOY!💃🎊🥳🎉

That joy is not dependent on our circumstances but on constantly spending time in Christ's presence & getting to know His character.

Finally, I'll leave you with these old songs that have recently resurfaced in my heart:

• Free to Dance | Christian Song

• I Am Free (Newsboys)

• The River is Here - Vineyard Music

When you call people by their NAME, you are reminding them of WHO they are & calling them forth & into who they are called to be.

This post by Ann Hamilton was quite an eye opener to me because I have despised my names for most of my life.

"The story of Michal, the daughter of Saul and wife of David, is a complex one. Like her brother Jonathan, she defends David at the risk of her own life. Saul used David's love for her to try to get him killed - he made the bride price a hundred Philistine foreskins. Despite her betrothal to David, she was given to another man in marriage and she bore him five sons - and, despite being later returned to David, she had none by him.

The critical incident that seems to be a deciding factor in this lack of children is her heart's reaction as she watched David dance before the Ark of the Covenant as it was brought into Jerusalem. Immediately after David explains himself to her, the comment is made: "And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death." (2 Samuel 6:23) This comment seems to suggest that her childlessness (obviously to David) was a direct consequence of her attitude.

A superficial reading of this Scripture would see this as a punishment from God. But a deeper reading would see this as coming from Michal herself. The name "Michal" sounds like "machol", dancing. In despising what David was doing, she despised her own identity, her own calling, her own self. She in fact hated her own name.

When we hate our own name, as I did for most of my life, we are like Michal - unable to give birth to the calling God has placed over our lives."

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare asked and then gave some bizarre answer about the properties of roses.

A name is actually how God gives us a soul (neshama). By breathing (nashamah) a name (shem) into our unformed frames.

For the Hebrews, the dawn was the only way to describe the creation of a soul. Shakespeare wasn't the only one to get it wrong. Our souls are radiant like the sun (shemesh — 'name fire'), as brilliant and fire-forged as meteorites. They were not — as the Greeks thought — as fragile as butterflies.

Over the past 3 years, the Lord has been speaking to me about names consistently & often but I've been a little slow on the uptake to claim my name back so these are the only names I'll respond to henceforth…

This is WHO I am:

PATRIZIA

• Language/Cultural Origin: Latin

• Inherent Meaning: Noble

• Spiritual Connotation: Victorious

• Scripture: Romans 8:37 NKJV Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

ELISABETH

• Language/Cultural Origin: Hebrew

• Inherent Meaning: Oath of God

• Spiritual Connotation: Consecrated

• Scripture: Romans 6:23 NKJV But the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

TRIXI

• Language/Cultural Origin: American

• Inherent Meaning: Bringer of Joy

• Spiritual Connotation: Peaceful

• Scripture: Psalm 46:4 NASB There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy dwelling places of the Most High.

As a post abortion baby, with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was incubated in fear, shame & survival guilt. I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to earn my keep & prove myself worthy of love resulting in a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts. I've spent my life trying to be what I thought others expected & striving to be what God already created me to be but for now, I'm learning to live from the heart that Jesus gave me...

God exchanges our ashes for beauty & you will most often find that your biggest challenges will become your biggest area of ministry. Our scars tell a story that turn our ashes to glory & enables us to bring help & hope to those who are still in the ashes.

This is the other Scripture Elias scribbled in the front of the book he gave me to read last week.

I've come a long way, but anxiety is onte of those things I'm still working on...

This is one of the Scriptures scribbled into the book I was given last week & I can absolutely see how God's been doing exactly that, providing exceedingly abundantly far above anything I've asked for.

‭‭Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV‬

[20] Now to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, [21] to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Never in a million years would I have applied for the job I have now. I would have self-sabotaged because I had come to believe that I was not capable BUT God...

I've waited 54 years to hear "You're not in trouble, I believe in you, I'm here to help" worked my butt off trying to achieve the best for a "well done!".

Be careful what you ask for... I asked for experiences to overwrite the bad ones I was stuck in, after all I had come to believe I was incapable of handling the pressure af a secular job again & He obliged although I didn't realise work experiences counted too...

Thank you Lord, for Your love & favour.

I was gifted this book at work yesterday in the hopes that it would help me on my healing journey after being unravelled by the statement:

"We only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things: 

1. You’re not in trouble 

2. We believe in you 

3. We’re here to help in his book, Leading from the Stop on the weekend. 

That makes this book number 3 since Slavery to Sonship in November that I've read in a day. I just couldn't put it down & even bought the Kindle version so I could cobtinue reading in bed😱 until I eventually had to force myself to put it down after 12am just to pick it up again at 5h30. 

It had Holy Spirit all over it AGAIN!. WoW!!! 

Once again, I was undone😭 & in awe🤣🎶💃...

• highly favoured, • annointed, • worthy, • valued, • loved, • noble,  • beautiful & • capable... I heard Him say. 

Yes, it's time to put to death ALL the given names & labels        

• Trixi (bringer of joy) • Unplanned • Imposter • Nazi • Stupid • Weirdo • Pat • Trish • Patrys (partridge) • Pattat (sweet potato) • Heksie (witch) • Teacher's Pet  • & many more that I've conveniently "forgotten" (the list is long) so Patrizia (of noble birth) can emerge in her full force & potential, although I think 🤔 we can keep Trixi after all she's hidden in PaTRIXIa... & bringing joy is a tool for my purpose of healing hearts. 

I see the light at the end of the tunnel & it spells FREEDOM from the cage of LIES that have held me hostage all my life. Oh my the unmerited FAVOUR of God to have blessed me so abundantly with a job I wasn't even looking for so He could bring new experiences to bring healing in relation to work & authority.🤔 

For the first time in my life, I'm experiencing real joy, even this is a fiery season of testing & pruning. My cup runneth over. That's all I'm able to express right now, so ya'all have to wait for me to "paper" process it all to get the rest of this story. 

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.

I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔

Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.

Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.

Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)

My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again.

Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.

I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

Maybe  it’s because leadership has shifted its focus from people to production; we’re  in such a hurry to get things done that we neglect the very people who  accomplish the things we need done.

- Marc  Cole

This wasn't part of my weekend plan but fancy that... me reading a  book on servanthood leadership, another one of my strengths  that's been twisted through wounding... who would have thought someone who  spent her life shying away & lurking in the shadows serving &  following, would even look at a book on leadership.🤔

In 3 decades of struggling to finish reading books, I haven't  finished a book in a day since last year's "Slavery to Sonship" but  this one too has left me with many thoughts to ponder🤔

Where do I go from here, I wonder? 🤔

Wait,  there's more, I hear the Lord say as He's just last week brought healing to a  major job-related wounding from 28 years ago that had remained buried &  unresolved.

From my  Elijah House training: "Pain that's buried alive stays alive & will  morph & mutate until it finally comes out sideways. Those who suppress  emotions / don't express it will eventually explode like a volcano."

It's  clear, God is not finished with me yet.

"We  only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time  wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’.  And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember  three things:

1)  You’re not in trouble

2) We  believe in you

3) We’re  here to help"

~ Elias  Kanaris

Whenever my world came crashing down I felt completely & utterly alone. That's been my experience & I've been praying the Lord will replace my experience. He's been graciously bringing along opportunities for new experiences in other areas & praying that if & when my world crumbles again I will have a community to pick me up & help gather the pieces. Dare I hope for a light at the end of this tunnel, that's not a train coming right at me?🤔 This may just be the backbone that's been holding all my strongholds together.

It's time to deal with all the LIES I've come to believe that are opposing these 3 profound statements my heart's been yearning to hear all my life,😭😢 time to allow myself to grieve the neglect, loss of childhood, innocence & the memory that never was, the rejections, abandonments & betrayals, the abuse, I hear Him say.

Although I've dealt with many of the sinful responsesI've never allowed myself to grieve fully. I was hoping to be done after crying for days... but apparently not... bracing myself for another group session at the moment.

It's time to learn to trust & to allow others to help rebuild & fill up those shelves for all the areas where there's been unfulfilled need. It's time to allow others to do for me what I do so generously for them.

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...

• a woman of Excellence but spent my life performing for perfection

• a woman of Worth but spent my life feeling I had to "earn my keep" to be valued

• a Peacemaker but spent my life in compliance to keep the peace

• a Pioneer but spent my life hiding & invisible

• an Overcomer but spent my life feeling like a victim

• a Warrior but spent my life worrying

• a Loyal Friend

• a Cheerleader

• a Faithful Servant

• a Mother, both physically & spiritually

& dare I say it?🤔

• a Teacher but refused that because that would make fortune-teller's predictions come true

• a Leader but spent my life following in compliance

There, I finally acknowledged these 2 that I've been running from all my life.

but first & foremost

• a Daughter but spent my life feeling like a slave

That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

I may  need to come back to read this book again & work through the reflection questions.

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.

I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔

Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.

Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.

Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)

My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again. 

Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.

I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

"Jesus take the wheel!" as I work my way through another  recognition worksheet, then my friend Ester & I may need to go both ways with our confession  & repentance time on Wednesdays to lay the axe to all the roots that are  coming up hard & fast right now.🤔

Maybe  it’s time to dust off that big hairy vision from 5 years ago & check what  else is in my hands to get it off the ground.

Testing  & pruning... Lord, chip away from me everything that doesn't bring You glory.

Wait for it, testimony to follow as soon as I've processed all of this...

I received an email, in my work mailbox that was addressed to Prue, a name I hadn't heard, mentioned or wish I can say thought of in about 28 years.

Coincidentally that's the name of my then 40-year old spinster office manager, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job because during my interview, I admitted we weren't planning having children yet. But then I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM. Oh boy did I ever hear the end of that. How dare I have ended up in hospital when I was to man the office!

Subsequent to losing my baby, I was told to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. One day Clive found me crying on the floor when he got home & phoned her. Fatal mistake, things got even worse for me after that. I thought I'd dealt with the "I can't make mistakes." vow but here's another root to it that needs to be axed. And this could possibly be where "imposter syndrome" was solidified.

So much so, that 7 months later she insisted the boss start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, by then I was pregnant with Jesse & he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.

Fortunately my boss accepted my resignation & was kind enough to send me home immediately with full pay for the rest of the month.

This "get over it" attitude from many was the reason why I never announced a pregnancy again until well after 12 weeks gestation & hence 3 more miscarriages have been buried so deep & unannounced. For decades nobody knew anything about  my loss & grief.

Once again, Holy Spirit has brought something up to the surface so we can lay the axe to the root. Time for the digger to get to my sinful responses, Bitter-Root Judgments, Expectancies, Inner Vows & lies I've come to believe through this experience.

I'm grateful for my tribe who have my back through intercession whilst I work through this.

Proverbs 4:23 TPT

[23] So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.

We are all wounded & have been called to journey together on this journey of life & healing.

We are all wounded & have been called to journey together on this journey of life & healing.

I'm amazed at how God is putting people in place to minister into the different areas of wounding so we can lay an axe to the root of our sinful responses.

Elijah House has been a God sent for me, but I hadn't realised that all those bad job experiences are somehow connected to the areas of stuckness I'm still struggling with. Some more bitter judgements, expectations, inner vows, lies & dishonour to be discovered & dealt with, for starters, Prue... Dang, that email hit hard...🤦‍♀️

Then there's that business leaders meeting, autch😢 Trixi's Creations would benefit much from healing in that area. 🤔 I'm beginning to think this may be connected with "Daddy Issues"... lack of fathering & mothering is oftentimes at the root of many our struggles.

The Healing Trauma series that I run weekly at MBCC teaches that knowledge can never overwrite experience.

When there's a battle between the mind & the heart, the heart always wins. After all, it's what's in our hearts that defiles us. I still wonder sometimes, what was God thinking when He told me to start that🤔 but then again, it's as much a space of healing for me as it is for the attendees. As we are wounded & relationships, so are we healed in relationships. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God & He does that through the body of Christ.

My prayer is that God will bring experiences that will drop the head knowledge to the heart & write God's Truth on our hearts. In time, we'll learn how to represent Christ well & take His healing to the nations, that's why He came & what He commanded us to do. To heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds.🤗💕

I looked in our account, and there it was.

Recognition for all of his hard work. The long hours on the job. The price he is paid for getting it done.

He deserves it, and we need it.

Boy, I’m thankful.

But I don’t get the same for my job as a stay at home mum.

I work so hard every day, and night.

I literally have never worked harder.

Yet mine is purely a labour of love.

My money invisible, like so much of my work.

But that work -

That all consuming, exhausting, relentless work that comes with being a full time mother -

It comes with a wage.

Just not the usual type.

Right now my wage is in the slower mornings I get to have with my kids.

It’s in the cuddles we have throughout the day.

It’s in the new firsts I get to see, and the lasts I may never see again.

I get paid through the quiet little moments we share when no one else is watching, and the chaotic days filled with so much joy.

And boy am I lucky.

No one hands me a check for being a stay at home mum,

But my kids hand me the lottery.

Because I may be broke financially,

But I am rich in heart and soul.

Credits to the rightful owner.👇

Words: Words of Emma Heaphy

Art: O Trocatintas

This has been my reality & for most of my almost 20 years as a stay-at-home & homeschooling mom & even though Clive was the one who at the time, ordered me to resign due to the work stress affecting my health, I've felt guilty because I wasn't "earning my keep" due to a wounding as 16 year old when mom decided finishing school wasn't worth it for me. She took me to Holiday Inn in Vanderbijlpark to go to Hotel School but the manager said I had to complete school I got to go back home.

However, the judgement I had made on myself that I was worthless & LIE I had come to believe at young age that I was worthless if I didn't "earn my keep" caused me to be triggered every time someone mentioned opportunities for me to "earn money" because this experience solidified it in my spirit.

BUT God in His grace & mercy has brought the memory & my sinful responses to the surface 4 months ago to be put to death at the Cross  & now I no longer cringe at the mention of opportunities for earning money.

How timely this Google Photo reminder of my Seasons painting from 3 years ago & this word popped up in between pastor David's 2 sermons on seasons & at a time I'm experiencing a transition.

God is saying to you today, "You are entering a new season, where My promises are being prepared AND delivered. You have overcome the storms. The storms did not overtake you! You have seen what faith & My hand can do, & you never gave up. You pushed through it all, & now it's your turn to receive the blessings that I have purposefully prepared for you & your home.

Tonight my heart is bursting at its seams because I'm seeing God's promises being fulfilled. I just want to sing praises because my cup overflows.

For the first time in decades I'm feeling a joy bubbling up in my spirit. Excitement is building up it almost feels like my chest wants to explode. I want to shout it from the rooftops. "God is so good!

In March I attended the Catch the Fire Beyond 2024 conference. I wasn't going to attend it because of my exhibition being due on the Saturday morning & community paint party in the afternoon but then I saw post just days before & signed up not checking my diary. However I was able to set up my exhibition earlier. After a hectic week, I was exhausted & tempted not to go on Friday night but then I went not wanting my entrance fee go to waste. It was a powerful word by Isabelle Skúlason & I received this prophecy at the end of the teaching...

The Lord is bringing joy for there have been a lot of tears in your heart. There has been a lot of unkindness that came your way. You've often lived in an atmosphere of unkindness. You've experienced a lot of unkindness but you're going to experience the goodness & kindness of the Lord.

God is going to bring you into a place where the goodness of God comes upon you, dear.

You have been hidden but not forgotten.

The Lord wants you to know, dear that He's going to give you a cake & you will eat it too for many times opportunities have been taken from you & people have often pushed you to the back of the line & you have not complained or said anything, dear. I heard the Lord say He is bringing transformation & He will bring you from the back to the front of the line, dear.

You are not alone, even though at times it feels like it. The Lord is also going to defend you for there's been some enemies in your life. In a way unrighteousness took place against you but the Lord is going to bring righteousness in those things & righteousness & justice will come into your life. He will set some records straight & make things quite easy for you for to go forward for you have pushed against the wind a lot, dear, but the Lord is bringing the wind from your behind.

Lift up your countenance. You lower your countenance a lot, dear. Lift up your countenance for God is bringing you into a new freedom.

Refreshment & freedom are being released in your life in this season & in these days.

I've been pondering this prophecy & asking the Lord for experiences that would override my bad experiences because knowledge will never override experience & then suddenly I started to experience God's kindness & feeling the "wind" from behind.

The boundary lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places. 😀 Thank You, Lord that You came to heal the broken-hearted & bind up their wounds. Thank You for restoring my soul, for putting up protective fences, for bringing comfort, for providing in miraculous ways & for fighting my battles. I love You, Lord.

Freely I have received, so I can freely give. Help me, Lord to represent You well to those You've placed in my basket .🧺 Help me steward well that which You have given me, Lord. More of You, Lord. Pour your love & compassion that I may splash your love all over those around me.

In every area of my heart where my heart is still stuck in fear, Lord will You pour Your perfect love that casts out all fear.

Work in me to will and to act in order to fulfil Your good purpose. Encamp Your angels around me, Lord & increase my capacity to fulfil Your calling on my life.

This painting depicts how God took the broken, shattered pieces of my life & turned them into something beautiful.

Little Harry & his mom, Rose (she's the beautiful lady worshipping on the stage) have such a special place in my heart. I first met him & Rose the 1st time I attended the Hanahlulu Dance practice almost 2 years ago.

During our New Year's Eve Thanksgiving service, Rose shared their testimony about his birth & journey of hardship (from 1.07.20). I was in tears. In spite of all his physical challenges, Harry always smiles & is the most well-behaved little kid when he sits through mom's activities.

His favourite colours are pink & yellow. I wanted to bless him for Christmas, so I poured this fiery pink sky specially for him to make him a flag. Mom's Scripture & the eagle were added digitally so he could have his own flag to dance with us in the foyer during worship. He originally wanted it half the size, but in a forgetful moment I ordered a big on which he decided he was happy to grow into.

I encourage you to listen to their story & be encouraged at how God can & will carry us through the hard times.

In spite of 2 major triggers over the last 4 weeks, I can now officially exclaim the enemy has won no victories & I'm still standing... thank You Jesus that You came to set the captives free & that You will use all the things I've been through for good.

I have good reason to celebrate: new LIFE in Christ.

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭145:1‭-‬3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[1] I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. [2] Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. [3] Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

For the past few months Clive's been pushing me to start a learning channel so I could earn money to fund the ministry I'm doing. For some reason it's made me feel like a bewildered deer being pushed into a corner. I've said it many times before, my focus isn't business & I have to learn to trust that God will provide whatever I need to do the ministry He's called me to. For some reason the mere thought of running a business totally overwhelms me. He wants the learning channel to launch in March, a decision he had made without my collaboration & the more he pushes to get things done, the more triggered I become.

Finally he decided to pull out & just support me in whatever I wanted to do whenever I'm ready & withdrew to his study after which found myself overwhelmed & frustrated in the garden pulling out the overgrown grass edges he was going to do whilst on holiday. I spent the next hour or so crying & pulling out overgrowth until I finally had to stop just because my back was aching & couldn't handle any more.

Then the Lord gave me a memory....

When I was about 16, mom decided I should go to hotel school because it would be a waste of time for me to complete high school. I would live in the hotel, she would "take care" of my salary & give me pocket money. I dared not disagree & felt I had no choice in the matter as she drove me to the Holiday Inn in VanderbijIpark to meet will the manager. However, he disagreed I insisted I come back after I finished high school.

It was dark & raining by the time we drove back home. By the time we got to the N1 onramp mom had to pull off the road & wait for the storm to settle before continuing the journey home. The atmosphere in the car during the hour long drive was palpable, not a word uttered by either of us.

I concluded & judged:

• Mom's love is conditional to how I can benefit her

• I'm not good enough to get job

• If I don't earn money, I'm worthless.

• Do as you're told irrespective of how it makes you feel.

• My opinions & feelings are not important.

I came to expect:

• I won't be valued unless I contribute financially

• People will always use me for their benefit.

• My opinions don't matter I will be dismissed.

• I won't be heard.

I protected my heart by

• Shutting up.

• Complying & following orders.

• Decided not to make waves.

• Decided to be useful.

• Became driven to earn my keep.

• Sacrificed my own needs & opinions to keep the peace.

I came to believe that:

• I'm worthless if I can't contribute financially

• I have to earn my keep.

• My opinions don't matter.

• I'm not important

• I'm not worth being taken care of

This resulted in various ungodly fruit:

• Anger Outbursts

• Fear of failure & success

• Procrastination

• Self Sabotage

• Drivenness to do & be a contributor.

• I was angry, but turned it inward.

If that fear / anger could talk, what would it say?

• fear - I'll be rejected if I'm not contributing

• anger - mom never considered / respected ME.

Having put to death all these lies, judgments, expectations & vows, I can now finally rest in the knowledge, that even if I don't do anything that brings in money, I'm still valuable & loved, not for what I can contribute, but for WHO I am.

Pastor David asked me to share a testimony during our  end of the year Thanksgiving Service...

Psalms‬ ‭103:2‭-‬5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

[2] Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— [3] who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, [4] who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, [5] who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

In January 2019, the Lord delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts after watching an online sermon. However, deliverance needs to go hand-in-hand with healing. We can't just clean the house by chasing the demons, but we also have to get rid of the reason why the strong man was there in the first place. Then we must dismantle the stronghold so God can become our refuge & stronghold, otherwise, when we experience a situation that triggers those old feelings, we'll reach for the familiar or we'll replace the false refuges with new ones. My strongholds remained & because my trauma hadn't been resolved, I merely replaced my false refuges with church, choir & serving. When lockdown came the mat was once again ripped out from under me but through God's divine intervention, I stumbled onto Sandra's online "Trauma Training" webinar during which I realised I was the one standing in the need of prayer.

Last January during my B-School small group prayer ministry the Holy Spirit revealed that I had judged mom & dad as cold, distant, emotionally unavailable & unloving. Dishonouring mom & dad set me up for a lifetime of reaping. I had vowed never to become like mom & dad but that didn't go well for me. When we judge, we doom ourselves to do the same things & subsequently I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable. When my boys became older, they too became cold & distant. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right?

Scripture teaches us to honour Mom & Dad. Deuteronomy 5:16 (NASB1995) Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you.

In every area where we dishonour mom & dad things won't go well with us & where my boys are concerned, things weren't going so well. As they got older, they too became cold, distant & withdrawn. After all, children learn what they LIVE, right? However, after repenting & apologising to my boys for my many mistakes as well as continuing to pursue my healing, our relationships have changed significantly in our family.

My biggest transformation happened at C-School in July last year when my strongholds of denial & shame were dismantled. At D-School hidden rebellion & self-hatred was dealt with resulting in a massive improvement in my allergic reactions to food. I can now eat cheese without getting migraines afterwards.

Running the Elijah House Encounter groups have been a massive learning experience for me. When the Lord prompted me to do it last year, my first response was a resounding "no ways, I'm ill-equipped & struggle with social anxiety. Surely, you can find someone better to do it!" but I have since learnt God can do more with my yes than I can do with all the education in the world. Courage & confidence follows OBEDIENCE! I've had to step way outside of my comfort zone & learn to trust that God would give me the ability to do what HE called me to do. I'm learning to lead, to trust, be authentic & also vulnerable enough to allow those around me to lift my arms when I feel weak. However I am now content with my weaknesses because God's grace is sufficient for me & His strength is revealed through my weakness.

With everything I have learnt & recognising my own bad behaviours I can no longer look at others bad behaviour without wondering what traumas are at the root of it. These past 2 years have made a huge difference in my family's lives. As I've healed, I've seen much change happening in my family & because of the change he's seen in my life, Clive has also taken up pursuing his healing. Our 20-year-old has started to come out of his shell more & for the first time in his life I heard him say "I love you" in November.

Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection.

Yes, our pain, trauma & feelings are valid, BUT this is about a journey of healing & restoration through discovering how we have sinfully responded to the offenses & traumatic events. It’s about forgiving those who hurt us from a healed heart & having our broken hearts mended like only Christ can so we can stop bleeding all over those around us. It's time to rediscover & BE the real YOU God has created you to be, not the boxed-up version society has forced you to become. It's time to learn to have FUN, to be still & rest on the Father's lap.

Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment & the handcuffs of hatred. It's the power that breaks the chains of bitterness & the shackles of selfishness - Corrie ten Boom

I discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ.

Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY.

I spent my life suppressing, denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic – Emotional but very few people would ever look you in the eye to search for the truth. We all know what Scripture says will happen to LIARS, right?

A crushed spirit affects us physically, emotionally, & spiritually. However, most people aren't aware of trauma's affects. Even science has proven that many aspects of physical illness are rooted in unresolved trauma because our bodies will manifest what we refuse to deal with. For example, cancer is rooted in bitterness & unforgiveness. Anger can affect your heart, gut & cause headaches. I've woken up every single morning with stomach cramps for decades, but they’ve been gone since D-School prayer ministry. If there's unexplainable aches & pain, even doctors can't find an answer to, it may be worth exploring whether it’s rooted in trauma.

I have dealt with a lifetime of rejection, abandonment & displacement trauma resulting in a lifelong struggle with anxiety & high functioning depression, but when I felt rejected & abandoned by my leaders after as cell leader together with Clive, for 7 years, whilst dealing with various personal crisis, especially Oma Else's death in 2007, I broke & turned my back on Christianity & God. I thought Christians were meant to be different, loving, caring & kind but instead I experienced them ignoring the hurting & struggling. If that's Christianity, I wanted nothing to do with it any longer. That's when I flopped & my high functioning depression turned into a downward spiral of out-of-control numbness. Pain that's buried alive stays alive & over time it morphs & mutates until eventually, it comes out sideways, sometimes in violent outbursts & overreactions until it’s brought to death at the cross.

My brother, Stefan who ignored me for 30+ years because of the lies our mom & stepmother had told him but reached out to reconcile in October 2017 after the Lord had given him a dream in which I appeared at his work, with a little girl that he knew was being molested, asking him to help her. When I had my breakdown in February 2018, he took the first flight out to come support me for 10 days & to this day he messages almost daily even if just to say good morning/night.

God had allowed my structures to be overloaded so I could realise how much I really needed to come home to Him & the church... Then He miraculously drew me to the Northcross choir with a neighbourly post that was 3 years old & the choir director was willing to let me sing with them without being a member of the church but then during worship at our first performance I heard Him say: "Come home my child".

After coming back to Christ in January 2019 & joining Life NZ, I thought I was FINE, because God had delivered me from depression & I had church, choir, creative team, welcome team & serving in the soup kitchen. But then came lockdown, social distancing, vaccine passports & a host of lies, manipulation & control to rip the mat from under my feet...

However, when structures are dismantled, without dealing with the root, we'll find other ways to self-protect. During lockdown, I was also triggered back into deception, manipulation & control trauma resulting in suppressed anger finally hitting the surface & erupting like a volcano. That’s why I was heading back into depression when I was not able to go to church, sing in the choir & serve on team.

Today I am grateful that the Lord “stumbled” me across Elijah House Ministries during the first lockdown to set me on a journey of healing & restoration. I received an email from our Cleansing Stream intercessors leader introducing a webinar as as "trauma training" to teach us to pray effectively for others, because I would have never sought ministry for myself. One of my many inner vows was not to ask for help & I had judged early in life that I must help myself because nobody cares. I cried through most of the webinar but finally realised I needed help & signed up for personal prayer ministry with Sandra.

Unbeknown to me, she put me 3 hours a day for 3 days after receiving my life history form. There’s so much I could share from these 3 sessions alone, but I’ll just highlight a few

I learnt that we are called to judge as God's children & make accurate assessment of right & wrong. We must judge evil to do something about it, but when we are wounded, our assessments become defiled. We begin to judge the person & come to expect this is how life is going to go. Then like Job, we draw all those things we expect to us. I was stuck in so many double-binds resulting from all my wounding.

There was curse of Illegitimacy because of my brother being illegitimate as well as an abortion & the spirit of death had wrapped around me in the womb when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”.

• All my life I’ve felt like an      outsider that doesn't fit.

• Affects identity

Due to childhood emotional neglect as a little girl I would cry to get attention only to be scolded but that to me was better than no attention at all but that’s manipulation which Scripture likens to witchcraft. One of only 2 childhood memories I have, was having my head shoved under cold water. I gasped for air, decided  to never cry again & have suppressed tears & emotions ever since.

FOUNDATIONAL LIES that I had come to believe I were:

• Worthless

• Unwanted

• Never good enough

• A mistake

• There's something wrong with      me

• If I was a boy I would have      been loved more

• My existence is a waste

Sandra’s Vision:

I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have      promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

• Might / mighty

• Strength / strong

• Power / powerful

• Ability / able

• Virtue / virtuous

• Valour / courageous

• Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows became this is who I have to be/do.

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

This is who you are little one:

You've felt helpless, powerless & terrorised all your life

BUT this is what the Lord says how He's made you.

A woman of might, strength, power, ability, virtue, valour, riches & substance.

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry

Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.  James 1:2

Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer. Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. Revelations 2:10

God removed the orphaned spirit & gave me a spirit of sonship.

My perceived benefits of disconnection/dissociation/withdrawal:

• Protection

• Less hurt

• Survival

BITTER ROOT EXPECTATION: of pain came through experience

• I have to escape this pain      because I can't handle it & it's going to kill me.

INNER VOWS:

• I won't speak up because it      makes things worse.

• I won't fight against wrong      because it's no use.

• Not to do that to my children      when I can't, I trigger back & feel like a failure.

Anger is a secondary emotion & almost always over pain.

• Righteous anger over      injustice was suppressed.

• When we judge, we become what      we judged.

• Don't allow anger, but      suppressed anger turned inward & became depression.

• I picked up where mom left of      & have been doing that to my own heart.

• Angry at myself when I don't      do things just right.

I was created to be someone that protects but moved out of a place of identity into performance & there's condemnation & blame when I don't do it well or not as well as I think I need to but also a fleshly determination.

• God created me to resist      evil.

• I'm a woman of justice.

• I want to fight for right.

• I want to be a justice person      & bring about justice.

• I want to heal.

• I'm like my heavenly Father.

• I'm a valiant warrior.

• Daughter of the King (of      noble birth)

Word of Wisdom:

When parents affirm us, bIess us & compliment us, we have a shelves to receive affirmations, confirmations & blessings.

As I was praying I saw your shelf and there's holes in it, it's like it's really decaying. It's like it cannot hold weight. It's like there is no shelf inside you to receive affirmation, praise & compliments. Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out the shelf that's actually rotting. We ask that You would build a new shelf, a huge shelf, Lord. Father, You bless & it's your blessing that sustains us, Your blessing that causes us to grow. Father, fill up every wound from things done & said, especially about her identity, who she is, what she does. Would You heal those wounds. Also heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of the necessary good thing, the lack of praise & encouragement. Father that little girl just needed encouragement & she began to lose her courage. Would You encourage her now, Father. Take away all the old soil & things she has been rooted in & held onto to keep her secure.

LOSSES

• childhood

• innocence

• stability

• safety

• friends

• 4 miscarried children

• being able to say NO

• generational grief

Jesus is acquainted with grief, a man of sorrow

My heart has taken a beating, not just from mom, dad & your brother, but also from myself.

Mom & dad neglected me, so I neglected myself

Mom & dad didn't know how to express love, I wasn’t able to express love to myself

Mom never encouraged me to be the best I could be & to call forth those girly things & my achievements, so I’ve been unable to do that for myself.

What mom did to me, I did to myself.

Mom refused to feel sorry for me & I was having a really hard time  to acknowledge my struggle.

I judged mom for not seeing / honouring my heart & for not letting me cry. I've turned around & dishonoured myself, my needs & my own heart.

fear of self-pity

pity = Sorrow for the suffering of another

When we refuse pity, we put up a wall that says " I don't want you to sorrow for my suffering.” Lord, would you break the power of that wall.

Why don't you do the" girly" things?

• It's a waste of time

• My existence is a waste      therefore I won't spend time, money & effort on me = huge dishonour of      me

Not loving & taking care of yourself is bad stewardship.

But the Lord, broke the patterns & has been teaching me how to do those things that I never learnt.

• How to love myself without      being prideful

• How to nurture myself &      others

Be still & know I am here.

INVEST:

The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.

What would that look like?

• Take time to discover what fills your creative well

• new haircut?

• new dress?

• Take the time & money you need for qualifications?

• How can l express the beauty of me?

Well, I assumed it to be education for trauma training, so I purchased & worked through a range of EH Materials & subsequently attended all the schools...

EH teaches us how strongholds develop & how to dismantle them.

A wise person scales the city of the mighty And brings down the stronghold in which they trust. Proverbs 20:22

“Footholds” are given to the enemy when we respond sinfully to trauma/offense.

26Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27

Demons take advantage.

I have learnt that if there’s present day fruit that’s unbecoming a Christian there’s a root & that or overreaction to offense indicated there's unresolved wounding. With the help of the Holy Spirit those roots can be discovered & brought to effective death at the cross of Christ so we can begin to learn to respond to offense to protect our hearts in new, Godly ways.

We need to identify recurring patterns - job losses, betrayals by friends, or personal characteristics which we resented, disliked, or hated in the primary people who raised us, but which we now recognise in our own lives.

A couple of weeks ago I shared my testimony in church together with the announcement of starting up a Healing heARTs 💕 ministry. 

After the service, one of the members came to me with a challenge: He would pay me $500 to do a painting about the Wings of Prayer from Isaiah 40:31 because he was so touched by my message & exhibition. 

I did D-School in July last year thinking it would be a breeze because I'd dealt with all the issues on the index, until we got to the lesson on SPIRITUAL REBELLION. I learnt every person is deeply in spiritual rebellion & in need of being reconciled with Him. 3The foolishness of a person ruins his way, And his heart rages against the Lord. Proverbs 19:3 It's not sin to desire relief from painful or difficult circumstances, but this lesson speaks to the way we reject our lives & ourselves, thus rebelling against God who created us. As a little girl, I thought I should have been a boy so daddy would love me too. If our rebellion remains unhealed it will affect us spiritually, physically & emotionally.

I also dishonoured & rebelled against God by

• turning from life in the womb      when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”,

• hating my names,

• rejecting myself & the      girl He created me to be,

• not believing His truths      about me &

• not being authentic to name      just a few aspects of dishonour & rebellion towards God.

I also learnt that you can't bear fruit unless you abide in the Resurrection. The cross is just the starting point. We must not stay there. Only the Lord knows the hearts of all men. Judgement is wrong because there's bitterness towards the person & we identify them by their mistakes. Because of trauma caused by drunkards in my life, I used to hate anyone who was drunk & in our early years of marriage Clive wasn't even allowed to come near me if he'd consumed any alcohol but today, I can no longer look at a drunk person without asking what the trauma behind the addiction is because ALL addictions are rooted in trauma. Although some addictions are harmless, others are destructive to those around us whilst others are self-destructive. When we see more than our judgement in people it sets them free.

A few more truths I received during D-School group ministry:

• You're a human BEING not a      human doing

• Come my child, my chosen one,      my daughter.

• Stop doing, rest in Him.

• Father of Peace - "My      peace I give to you, My Peace, I leave with you.

• There is nothing wrong      with me." Abide in Him, breathe in Him, His Peace.

• A GOD of LOVE. Allow yourself      to rest & just be.

• God called you by name. He      defined Patrizia (meaning: of noble birth).

• Learn to stay in that Peace.      He goes before you. He will show you the way.

After my group ministry session, I heard the Lord say: "BUT wait, there's more..." apparently, He's not finished with me yet. The Holy Spirit is gentle & takes through the journey as He peels of the layers one at a time like the layers of an onion, but He will not do it unless we allow Him.

These encouraging words received after completing D-School were so totally on the ball with what I've felt all my life & I know that many in the church have had similar struggles & would relate to these...

• I get Pinocchio. You know he      wanted to be a real boy & he did become a real boy. He had the      carpenter. There was love there. He wanted a boy. He wanted a son &      the Father wants His children. I see Him bringing you into your real      identity, that you'll be able to live life. End of the strings. Thank You      Lord, we bless the newness. We bless the realness. We bless Your love for      your daughter, hallelujah. Pinocchio's father's place was a toyshop,      right? Have FUN. Have fun with the Father. Bless you.

• Bless you beautiful. Lord we      just thank you for your amazing grace & amazing transformation that's      just reflecting the glory of the Lord. And we with unveiled faces      beholding as in a mirror are being transformed from glory to glory into      the likeness of the Son. 2 Corinthians 3:18 I was so blessed when I saw      you dancing there well before we started & I just declare fulness of      joy in His presence & dancing queen for the King. I just feel like      there's a coming home for you. It's like "now I fit. I have a home. I      have a country. I have identity. I have a culture. It's okay to be me. I'm      home in the Father's house & it's gorgeous. It's amazing.

• I just declare the boundary      lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. The boundary lines have      fallen for me in pleasant places; surely, I have a delightful inheritance.      I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs      me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand,      I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:6-8

During Elijah House A-School, Sandra had a vision of the Lord wanting to give a mantel of nobility. God had been speaking to me about my name, meaning of noble birth, for a while & I felt it was for me but due to my shame & guilt strongholds was unable to receive it.   At C-School the lord addressed the trauma around my molestation as a teen that had become the foundation of my shame & false guilt strongholds. The lies around my idtentity have been rooted quite deep.  At D-School group ministry the Lord dealt wth some stuckness & some more issues around my identity. as well as my spiritual rebellion in that I had hated myself & my names all my life & had turned from life & rejected myself. On my way to schooll on Friday morning, God reminded me the mantel of nobility is still mine & I  was finally able to receive it.

C-School in April 2022 was the hardest for me because the lessons dealt with sexual abuse trauma. Honestly, I don't remember any of the lessons except, Sandra's comment that we must embrace the fireball of pain to get to our healing & that I cried through most of week's lessons & resisted the urge to run from group sessions all week.

For the first time since it happened to me as a 12-year-old, I had to admit, molestation is sexual abuse.

I felt:

• Violated

• Shame

• Confusion

• Anger

• Betrayed

I protected myself through dissociation & escape. I had told nobody but lived with the secret, guilt & shame for so long that it was affecting my marriage because I lost my ability to "grin & bear it" & was no longer able to tolerate being touched. About 20 years ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty, under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch & I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen, or noticed. I heard the Lord remind me of the word during prayer ministry with Sandra & suddenly it dawned on me that COMFORT was the LIE hiding the real reason I had let go of myself much like "I can't sing / draw / paint" were the LIES hiding my fear of not being good enough. After 2 years wrestling with it, I finally realised INVEST meant embracing the "girly girl" He created me to be & yes, invest in new dresses & everything else that required.

When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. But then the prompting returned on my way to C-School & I still thought it was a crazy idea but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry & that celebration is a testimony on it’s own birthed out of the healing of my heart.

We dismantled the stronghold of denial & henceforth there will be NO more minimisation & denial of pain & trauma. These dismantled strongholds have brought the most noticeable change & freedom in me because the strongholds of guilt & shame affect our courage & ability to be vulnerable around people. "You are glowing" I 've hear people say on numerous occasions since when I tell of what God has done.

On Thursday evening at the Elijah House gathering, I shared my story of my healing ministry journey & how God delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts to my latest deliverance & dismantling of the stronghold of denial, minimisation of trauma & shame in order to survive & protect my heart. 

Throughout my life, my sinful responses, bitter root judgements, bitter expectancies & inner vows resulted repeated trauma & my withdrawal, heart of stone & slumbering spirit, the few remaining of many strongholds of self-protection that I've had in my life. These remaining trauma responses require the Lord loving me back to life through His people but up to C-School healing ministry my self-protection has hindered me from allowing people & even God too close in order to do that. 

We are hurt in relationships & these issues can only be healed in relationships. Intimacy (into me see) however, has been one of my biggest struggles because of shame vulnerability & allowing people to see into me has been extremely hard.  Oom Was shared this poem with me during our conversation after the gathering. It resonated with me & I just couldn't resist decorating it for sharing.

Having an identity is one of the most important things to our human nature. "Personal identity” is tied to our self-worth, how we see ourselves represented on a broad global stage among 7 billion other people.

A name is your identity. It’s what people call you. It’s what you respond to. It’s what you understand about yourself. From the day we are born, we are assigned this identifier. Some people get nicknames or change their name entirely after they are born, but the common thread is a NAME. Every single thing on planet Earth has a name. PATRIZIA: • Meaning of 444 in the Bible: 444 is a symbol of God's righteousness in the bible. • Meaning: The meaning of the name Patricia is: a patrician (an aristocrat or nobleman), of noble birth/descent. TRIXI: • bringer of joy • Meaning: bringer of joy. Trixie as a girl's name is of English origin meaning "bringer of joy." I have spent my life shying away from my name because I had disassociated from myself & people always struggled to pronounce it & would end up giving me nicknames Pat, Patat, Trish to name a few. I've lived by Trys for much of my life & after moving to New Zealand I reverted to Trixi, a nickname my grandmother had given me before we left Germany & was revived during my visit 34 years later after her death. I reverted to Trixi in an attempt to dissociate from my past because Patrizia & Trys reminded me of all the pain & trauma I had experienced throughout my life. All my life, I hated my name (which I learnt last year is actually spiritual rebellion), but after prayer ministry in May 2021, I was told to claim my name back. It's taken a long time, but I've finally embraced my name... & really appreciate those all the more who call me Patrizia.

In May last year during the Elijah House Loved, Chosen, Free seminar prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie, "I am a mistake!", quite oddly Sandra asked me if Trixi was my real name & I said no, my name is Patrizia. She wrote it on her notes & continued ministry. During the lunch break a lady asked me if I knew what my name meant. I didn't but she had checked... Patrizia (a name I've shied away from all my life) means of noble birth & Trixi means bringer of joy. She insisted I ought to reclaim my name. God gave humanity the authority to name things & invest it with all that a name carries: Identity, destiny & calling.

However for most of my life I was known as Trys which has no connection whatsoever to any my names...

A few weeks later it dawned on me that the enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth meaning blessing of God but Oma insisted she give me a decent name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth.

During A-School group prayer ministry we prayed through the issues with accepting my name & I have since taken full ownership of it hence I now introduce myself as "My name is Patrizia but if you struggle to pronounce it, you may call me Trixi.

In January, during EH B-School, Sandra had a vision saying: "I see the Lord with a mantle of nobility. It's yours if you wish to claim it." I felt she was talking to me but due to my stronghold of denial, guilt, shame & a hardened heart I was unable to accept it at the time.

Last week's EH C-School was all about shame & sexual abuse. For the first time since it happened to me 40 years ago, it dawned on me that molestation IS sexual abuse & I was shaken to the core but I had to embrace the fireball of pain in order to get to my healing. All these years I have coped by denying the severity of my abuser's actions & suppressing all the resulting trauma & emotions as well as blaming myself & hardening my heart. During group prayer ministry on Thursday afternoon, the Lord exposed the lies, denial, false guilt & shame subsequently dismantling my biggest stronghold yet.

On Friday morning whilst driving to our last day of classes, the Lord reminded me of Sandra's vision about the mantle & then I heard Him say: "It's still yours, my child, come take your mantle."

A person's name is the greatest connection to their own identity and individuality. Some might say it is the most important word in the world to that person. ... When someone remembers our name after meeting us, we feel respected and more important. It makes a positive and lasting impression on us.

I received this vision from Joy during my Elijah House C-School prayer ministry session:

I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful.

"Well done good & faithful servant"

I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you.

I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special.

Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond.

So precious...

And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became...

a real, true treasure!!!

I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away.

That's a beautiful vision!

What does it mean to you?

The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity.

The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose.

The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths.

The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality.

It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it.

In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟

It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨

In 1989 shortly after being born again I had a nightmare that would haunt me for decades.   

I dreamt I was standing on a rock & the earth was cracking open all around me. Homes would break & huge portions would fall down into the abyss, leving a wave of destruction everywhere. As far as my eyes could see people were scattered & being separated by the earth cracking between them.   

Then suddenly, I woke up in a cold sweat to a loud audible voice saying: " JY MOET AANHOU BID!" (You must continue to pray!" 

I've had so many nightmares during my life but for this one stuck with me & l've often wondered what was up with that but now I believe that it was God's warning to prepare for the turmoil & division in families & churches that we've recently experienced. Sadly, the displacement & trauma this division has left in it's wake will haunt us for generations to come.

At B-School January 2022 I dealt with displacement trauma that was severely triggered by being shut out of church with the discrimination & apartheid of vaccine passports. By the time I stopped counting at 18, we had moved 30 times & when we visited my family in Germany after 34 years, my uncles showed us 4 homes we lived in before we moved to South Africa at 5. I was in 9 primary & 3 high schools. By the time I was 6 I stopped trying to break into the groups because I had decided relationships don't last & spent the rest of my time at school a loner & remained an "outsider", never fitting in anywhere.

Displacement Trauma = Transplant shock. So much energy goes into trying to get established again after every move.

• Not rooted & grounded in love

• Inability to make deep & lasting friendships

• Not connected to extended family

• Country changes.

• No time to re-establish before being moved

I also discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ.

Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY.

I spent my life denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic - Emotional. About 6 years ago, Clive cottoned on to my FINE meaning something different & would ask my fine or your fine?

I also learnt that just like we clearly inherit blessings passed down from our forefathers, trouble passes from generation to generation & it was up to me to break the pattern of generational sin/trauma in my family. Children don't learn what we teach, but what they LIVE. If they live with love & acceptance, they become loving & accepting but if they live with abuse & neglect, they learn to hate themselves. We are all products of our environment & our responses to it. Too often we are the casualties of our parents’ unresolved trauma. There's a pattern of alcohol abuse, violence & divorce in both my parent's families. Even though, Jesus took upon Himself the sins of humanity in Gethsemany - past, present & future; our healing still requires confession, forgiveness & repentance.

It 'runs in the family" until someone decides to put a stop to it. I had to draw the proverbial line in the sand, repent & ask for forgiveness on behalf of previous generations so future generations can be set free from the curse Whatever we don’t bring to effective death at the cross will carry over to our children & their children with increase...

Like much of our walk with God, being freed from generational sin is a process.

For more than 3 decades, whenever I questioned my purpose, this scripture & song would pop into my head. However, due to my own brokenness, I've carried the added guilt & shame of not acting upon what's been on my heart until my path crossed with Elijah House Prayer Ministries 2 years ago. I have since experienced phenomenal restoration & broken down many strongholds. BUT God is not finished with me yet.

I received this word from Kevin at Elijah House B-School graduation...

Father thank You for Trixi & thank You for the journey she's given such expression to.

I see railway tracks, & I just believe that the Lord is, untethering you from things that have held you. You've got such potential & a particular, clear path. I see mountains & I see forests. I see you riding through the open planes, & along the ocean sides. You're a train & the Word of the Lord is that He's the engine & He's got you in there but you're the train & you're carrying many people with you all along are the carriages.

Father bless the Word of the Lord, & the purposes & the freeing of this engine to be able to pull this beautiful train through the pathways already prepared by the Lord. Father prepare the anointing, the precious, precious, precious anointing.

I see Him anointing you afresh for different assignments. Thank You Father & it's like He's kept in heaven things reserved for you for this time.

Your story causes you to look back but the greater the healing, you're going to be seeing more & more forwards. I prophesy that over you now, that your vision is turning 180 degrees & you're not going to be looking back through the years going forward but casting forward. Father I bless the vision with awesome healing.

I've pulled through my hardest trigger season yet & am still standing because God added some awesome people to my life in the last few weeks. Being able to go to church in-person for the last 3 weeks, has also made a huge difference. There's a very good reason why Scripture teaches us not to neglect the gathering of the saints. We are so much stronger TOGETHER. There's joy in the house of the Lord.

Today I celebrate 3 years walking in victory. A few weeks ago I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it this time BUT once again God has intervened. I woke up on old year's eve & just felt different. I can't really explain it but was as if the feelings of overwhelm, heaviness & displacement of the last 4 months had just been "switched off" overnight.

Our home group leader's wife said on Thursday that she could see a difference since we started attending on 12 December but then again these 6 weeks of weekly worship, Scripture discussions & fellowship have been instrumental in this breakthrough. Being loved back to life only happens in the context of living & being able to serve each other in a community.

What the enemy meant for evil God has once again used for good.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 2nd intercessor's vision:

I see a very old style CD Player, stuck in a groove, it keeps repeating. Then I see Jesus saying: "give it to me and I'll give you a new CD."

You've been hearing & listening to the same old lies over & over. It's time to bring those lies to Jesus so He can replace them with God's Truth.

With the manipulation, coercion & blackmail  for 💉 I was triggered back into the trauma & shame of the generational curse from the holocaust based on my birth in Germany as well as the blame & shame caused by apartheid in South Africa where I was raised. I had carried blame & shame that wasn't mine to carry, all my life & it was time to bring it to the cross. 

I heard: "It's all your fault." but truth is, I had nothing to do with either of these incidences. The blame & shame is not mine to carry. I'm not responsible. 

Having stood up against the injustice of apartheid & discrimination all my life, I ain't stopping now.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 1st vision

Heaviness, some physical problem manifested in the spiritual realm that is holding on to something, anger or unforgiveness. Spring water is pouring out onto this person spiritual cleansing that will bring healing and joy.

What the enemy meant for evil God is using for good...

In Nehemiah 13, we read of Nehemiah’s final reforms. They read from the ‘Book of Moses’ (v.1) how ‘Our God… turned the curse into a blessing’ (v.2). This is the pattern throughout the Bible. ‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him’ (Romans 8:28). What you are facing in your life right now may seem like a curse – a health issue, a battle in a relationship, a difficult boss, or whatever. It may seem like a curse but God can turn the curse into a blessing.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 3nd intercessor's vision:

I see a  skydiver jumping out of an airplane, speaks to me of this person  needing to take a leap of faith, trusting in the Lord.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

A quick digital painting based on a vision received from a prayer partner on on of our Tuesday morning prayer meetings a couple of months ago. When life seems uphill & you're wondering how much further you can go, look back & see how far you've already come.

"This is how I felt after the reality of this morning's announcement hit home. Medical apartheid is officially being rung in by our authorities. My heart aches for the injustices millions are suffering at the hands of our ""single source of truth"" authorities tyrannical measures to force an experimental 💉 on the whole nation. I stand for God-given freedom of CHOICE. We're effectively being held hostage until 90% 💉 is reached😡🤯💔

BUT God... nothing can separate me from His love."

Psalm 42:5 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul?

And why art thou disquieted in me?

Hope thou in God:

For I shall yet praise him For the help of his countenance."

Ezekiel 11:19 KJV

And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:

Well over 3 decades ago I received this scripture as part of a prophesy by an American preacher who was visiting our church. At the time I thought it was related to the promise included in his prophesy that God would restore my family & He would turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers Malachi 4:6 KJV

However, recently I realised that word was for me... I have a heart of stone resulting from decades of self protection...

By the time I was 6, we had already moved at least 4 times & when we migrated to South Africa I lost everyone I knew. Many more moves & being the "new kid" in class for 12 different schools followed. With only snail mail available back then all connections were lost so I decided not to make friends, because friendships don't last. I built walls around my heart, hardened my heart, disconnected & shut people out.

The heart of stone is formed as a protection & is by nature private. Healing it cannot be done alone. It needs to be resurrected. It is not melted by authority, but rather by the love of Jesus. We must be ambassadors of that love. We cannot heal the heart of stone by ourselves. We need people to journey with us. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God THROUGH His people. It must be healed corporately, by the Body of Christ. The process of healing is apt to be slow/progressive, like peeling an onion.

People help bring hearts to life.

• Appropriate & intentional touching & hugging is required.

• Loving prayers spoken to reach the heart of the inner child.

• Truthful friends

• Practice confession of sins & weaknesses.

• Help build loving support through family, church & small groups.

• Honour the heart.

• Put in new ways of protection.

• Guarding your heart in the RIGHT way is turning to God.

And herein now lies my purpose: being an ambassador for Christ & loving people back to life.

In July 2021, A-School taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again & can't be trusted. We make judgements about people & subsequently inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do the same thing. We harden our hearts & shut others out. This sets up for a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown.

Often we reap the judgement & consequences of dishonouring parents. I learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we will become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. As a little girl, I had hardened my heart & shut people out because keeping them at a distance makes rejection & abandonment les painful, or so I thought. When I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows I had made even before birth had set me up for some serious reaping.  Every single lesson had moments of realisation when I would think "oh dear, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I’ve brought to effective death at the cross.

I discovered I am performance orientated & constantly keep falling back into striving to earn love by performing. We often live unaware that motives other than God’s love have begun to corrupt our serving through striving, tension & fear. I also learnt that we see God through our trauma-tainted glasses & relate to Him according to our judgements, expectations & inner vows. As a tiny girl, my basic trust had been shattered still find myself wondering “Can I really trust Him?”

I received an email from the lady who interceded whilst I was receiving prayer after intercessor training because I had been severely triggered by the lesson. 

"I had an image come to me of a ‘cloud’ of cotton wool being wrapped around you, and felt the Lord was saying He is wrapping you in cotton wool. 

There is a saying that an ‘over-protective parent wraps their child in cotton wool’ and is often considered a negative thing, but in this case it was definitely a positive thing.

Your Heavenly Father, like an over-protective parent is wrapping you, his beloved child, with His protection. Except that God is ‘perfectly-protective’!  

Be encouraged to know your Father loves you, and loves to protect you. May you relax into His loving arms, find rest in His wrap-around embrace, and be at peace as He holds you close."

Isaiah 61:10 I greatly rejoice in the Lord, I exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation and wrapped me in a robe of righteousness, as a groom wears a turban and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

My first attempt in my journal was rather disappointing so I tried again this time using my tablet & Infinite Painter app.

I received prayer ministry during healing prayer ministry training recently. This painting is based on a word received as confirmation that I am welcome in this world. God was there at birth, held me first & covered me with love.

Romans 8:14-17

14For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. 15For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 16The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

My lifelong struggle has been feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved & not belonging here. During healing prayer ministry session at healing prayer training, the Holy Spirit took me back into the womb & dealt with the root of those feelings. This was a confirmation received by means of a vision one of the intercessors had.means of a vision one of the intercessors had.

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.

In May 21 I attended the Loved, Chosen & Free Seminar, a 1-day healing shame seminar. The first session was working through a worksheet of shame strongholds & ticking never/seldom/painfully so & of the 36 items listed, I shamefully admit almost all were "Painfully So".  After the lesson, I found myself up front with Sandra for a live prayer demo to dismantle the foundational lie I had come to believe that "I am a mistake". During the demo Sandra asked if Trixi was my real name upon which I had to own up to Patrizia. During lunch a lady came up to me saying Trixi, you need to claim your name back do you know what it means? I replied that I didn't & very excitedly she reported it means "of noble birth" & that Trixi means "bringer of joy". As I mentioned in my previous testimony, the attack on my identity started in the womb & not owning my name & it’s meaning was just part of that.

I've only been painting for 6 months mostly watercolour & was told to paint myself as a tree at my counselling session earlier this week, so here goes my first attempt... I must admit I didn't enjoy doing acrylics on canvas as much because the paint just dries so fast it was hard to get everything covered on time.

Good solid tree right there! Not easily blown about by whichever wind is blowing.

Full of lush growth and strong supporting branches.

Practice makes progress...

When I had prayer ministry with Sandra, the discussion around this tree came up. She said:

• A plant will only grow as big as the container you put it in.

• What was received from mom was so little that heart roots weren't able to grow deeply on a soul level.

• Spirit was able to get past the barriers but the soul is struggling.

• When a plant is root bound the water doesn't get through for nourishment properly.

• The narrowing in the stem indicates the constriction of the soul as a child.

• Lacking soul development.

• Jesus designed the branch & the trinity.

• Roots are good & strong.

• Tree is healthy.

• Lack of fruit. Not doing what I was called to thus not bearing fruit.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spreads out its roots by the river,

And will not fear when heat comes;

But its leaf will be green,

And will not be anxious in the year of drought,

Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Jeremiah 17:8

• There is a season between the      flowers & the fruit. Pre-fruit season.

• Good fruit

• Seeking prayer ministry

• Being able to repent

• Being close to God

• Performance if we're not      doing we don't have tangible results.

• Jesus didn't have much      visible fruit in the first 33 years but when the time was right it all      came.

• when the time is ripe the      fruit will show

I discovered some truths about me according to Isaiah 61 & 62 this morning.

I will:

• Rebuild ancient ruins.

• Restore former desolations.

• Renew ruined cities.

• Be known as the Lord’s priests & ministers of our God.

• Receive DOUBLE portion in place of shame.

• REJOICE in place of disgrace.

• Have eternal Joy.

• Be clothed with garments of salvation.

• Be wrapped in the robes of righteousness.

• Nations will see your righteousness & kings your glory.

• God will give you a NEW NAME.

• You will be a GLORIOUS CROWN & a ROYAL DIADEM in the Hand of God.

• No longer called desolate & deserted.

• The lord DELIGHTS in you & REJOICES over you.

• You will be called SOUGHT OUT 7 not forsaken.

Recently a word of knowledge, although intended as an encouragement, unleashed all power of darkness in a battle for my mind. 

All hell broke loose in my spirit followed by nightmares, angst & an intense spirit of heaviness on my chest. I felt really intimidated for days until I finally reached out for support. Thankfully, God has surrounded me with community who has my back & prays with me when I don't know how to pray for myself. Peeling off the layers is a slow & sometimes painful process & yes it does provoke the enemy to attack in an attempt to prevent you from getting your breakthrough. Just keep at it & don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Yes, I'm talking to MYSELF too, asking for help has been of my biggest challenges. Some of my most recently renounced inner vows were "I will not ask for help; I have to take care of myself; I have to protect myself" because of my bitter root expectation that nobody cares anyway. We are stronger together, hence his constant efforts to keep us disconnected. UNITED we STAND, but divided we will fall.

10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Jesus never promised us that we would not have trouble, in fact, He said that in this world we WILL HAVE TROUBLE but take heart, He has OVERCOME the world.  (John 16:33)

Putting on the armour of God is something all of us should be doing every morning because we do not wrestle against flesh & blood. Be sober & vigilant because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As soon as we step out into our purpose we become a threat to his evil schemes & he will stop at nothing to take us out. 

Putting it down on paper has not been easy. I tried a couple of times unsuccessfully until I re-discovered a painting program on my tablet the other day. Painted the background digitally. The texts were created in WordCloud & I used Affinity Publisher to combine it all. 

My breakthrough 

During lockdown last year I had to deal with my lack of courage to step out & speak up as well faulty belief that my voice has no value. 2 unrelated people assisted  Interestingly the 1st person had me draw a lion to symbolise being bold. Sadly my first attempt at drawing Simba turned out to be Scar so I was determined to try gin later. Then I received the word that God was giving me my roar back during prayer ministry with Sandra.

Proverbs 28:1

"The wicked flee though no one pursues,

but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

 From the moment of conception parents pour into the "treasure chest" of who we are:

• Love, gentleness, compassion

• Truth... Even before we can cognitively understand
  Important truths of who we are & also truths of who God is, are instilled by the nurture of caring parents.
   

Parents call us forth into life, & help us learn to walk in our destiny & purpose. If we choose to open our hearts & take it in:

• We are empowered to receive love

• Parents are building storage shelves / places to receive love, compliments etc.

• Our capacity to love others is enlarged

•  I was created to love & be loved

• We begin to fulfil the very purpose for which we were created... To receive love & give it away

• We need to receive the gift of honour from people.

• Whatever we missed as babies He can rebuild.

• Fathers help children discover up to 80% of their identity.

• Fathers call us forward & speak into us.

During 1 of my 3 hour prayer ministry sessions with Sandra, I received this word of knowledge:

Everyone has a shelf to receive love, affirmations, compliments etc. but your shelf is ful of holes  & no shelf at all. There is no shelf in you to receive affirmations, praise & compliments.

Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out he shelf & build you a new one. He will heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of love, validation & encouragement.

Revelation 21:5

Behold I make all things new.

When we're traumatised & wounded as little children, we start to believe the lies that we perceive from our experiences & surroundings. We learn what we LIVE & loose our identity in God to that which the world has forced upon us. During prayer ministry the Holy Spirit addressed some of the foundational lies that have weighed me down all of my life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

• Feisty

• Strong spirit

• Fighter

• Warrior

Spirit of death wrapped around in the womb.

Jesus makes everything new!

"I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have      promised.

• Daughter of the King

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry"

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...

These are some truths that were revealed during my prayem ministry with Sandra.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

• Might / mighty

• Strength / strong

• Power / powerful

• Ability / able

• Virtue / virtuous

• Valour / courageous

• Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows become this is who I have to be/do

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

During my coaching with Vicky last week the first of my limiting beliefs: "What I say is not important enough for me to speak up" was exposed.

My homework assignment was to create an affirmation statement to replace this belief with: "What I say has value".

This week I'm learning to get used to hearing my own voice after all, faith comes by hearing.

As I prepared for tonight's connect group launch, I was reminded of this Scripture & God's purpose for my life.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord , And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord , that He may be glorified.” And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.

Isaiah 61:1‭-‬4 NKJV

As Christ followers, the same Spirit that raised Him from the dead is also on us.

For decades I've felt called to take His healing to the nations but always felt so ill-equipped. And of course my disobedience due to fear brought its share of guilt & shame to add to what I was already feeling.

Last week I signed up for the 3 days Navigating the Times and Season Healing Trauma Webinar this week to help me with the Cleansing Stream prayer ministry I'd signed up for earlier this year. Little did I know then that what I thought was meant for equipping, God would use to dig deep & start addressing some of the deepest traumas in my own life. I am comforted to know that God will use everything I've been through for good & my ministry lies in those areas where I have been so brutally broken & restored.

Stepping out of the boat is a little nerve-wrecking but I've got this, or rather God's got me. After all He has already given me everything I need for life & Godliness & He will put His words in my mouth. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me to lead me & guide me in everything He has sent me to do.

Lockdown had triggered me back into my lifelong struggle with rejection & abandonment but God overwhelmingly started speaking to me about stepping out into my purpose. A message that really struck home during this time was that there were 12 disciples in the boat when Jesus said: "Come", not mentioning any one. Only 1 believed enough to step out...

Matthew 14:29

So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"

Mixed media. Started colouring this one in my creative connect group this morning & finished it at a local church art group this afternoon. Watercolour painting number 3 since facing my immense fear of painting head-on last week.

This month, 3 years ago I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants, because I ran out a week ahead of my scheduled appointment with my doctor. This is  something we’re told we should never do, but God helped me through the mild withdrawal symptoms & 4 months later, He miraculously lifted the spirit of heaviness that had plagued me all my life…

So, I'm not usually one to post much on social media, but I'm feeling especially heartbroken about the situation back home. I may not be in the country anymore, but i see all the heartbreak and the pain. It makes me so angry to see how bad this situation is that people find themselves in.

I've been watching people's stories and posts, keeping up with the news. I see all the women who are considering leaving the country of their birth, their homes, for fear of what may happen to them and those they love. What happened to Uyinene Mrwetyana was terrible. What happens to women on a daily basis, that people have ignored and accepted for this long is a nightmare.

I'm so proud of all the people who are taking a stand, who are bringing these issues to light. Those who are fighting, campaigning, and speaking out. I pray for the safety of my friends and family, and for all women living in this environment.

Through all the pain, suffering, and negativity there is so much coming together. There is true beauty in the strength that people are showing. Fear is no longer enough to hold you back. Women should never be the target, and I'm glad to see so many men taking the responsibility to lead this charge amongst those who would fight to prevent themselves from becoming just another victim.

I am proudly South African, and I hope that the people of my homeland can keep holding onto what makes them a beautiful people. Stay strong, and keep fighting. Make the country beautiful, and a place where all can feel safe and accepted as they are meant to be. I hold onto hope.

#StrongerTogether

~Ascher 'AJPanda' Snyman

I couldn't have expressed my thoughts better myself. Thanks for sharing Suzy.😘

Seeing all these incidents on my feed have been a major anxiety trigger for me & for the first time in 7 months the tightness on my chest was back. A very unwelcome reminder of my own experiences as a teen followed by years of guilt, shame, anxieties & depression. Yesterday I wanted to go sit in a corner where it would be so easy to fall back into depression & cry my heart out but today I'm grateful that God loves us enough to forgive our wrong choices & is able to restore us. Thankfully 2 hours worth of choir practice has helped ease off the weight. Obviously God isn't finished with me yet & though this may be a setback, I will rise up stronger & bolder once He's done with me.

I for one will no longer be silenced by guilt & shame but instead rise up & share my testimony of how God is able to pull us out of the pit, heal & restore us if only we'd humble ourselves & pray.

My heart aches for the nations of this world, all products of a fallen society that have turned away from God, following their own lustful choices & leaving hurt & destruction wherever they go.

My thoughts & prayers are with all affected by such hideous crimes.

I don't know where my immense fear of painting came from.

That voice in my head just kept telling me I can't do it because I'm just not good enough.

It became so loud over the years that I've never wanted to try for fear of failure.

I joined an art group recently with a lovely Korean lady leading it at a local church & due to her encouragement I finally got myself some paint.

This is my first ever watercolour painting since primary school on plain A4 paper (because I was afraid to do it in my Bible or journal) that I did at art group today.

"See you can!" was her first response hence I added "I can!" at the bottom.

I may just frame this for my studio as a future reminder that if ever I find myself doubting my abilities again.

Still on the subject of discovering my identity & God-given purpose... This is the Scripture I received at prayer meeting this morning. God knew me before I was even born.

He sanctifies & ordains us. He sends us forth to expand His Kingdom & doesn't expect us to be qualified. because He equips us for the task. He gives us the right words to speak & shows us the way.

Thank you, Lord that we don't have to depend on our own abilities & qualifications to do that which You have sent us to do.

Much of the hurts we experience in relating to ourselves and others stem from our poor understanding of a father. Adam failed to demonstrate Father God's love to his children & for generations we have done the same. All of the best that an earthly father could ever offer to his children originated in God. Everything changes when we instil God's love into our families because it's the missing ingredient for the success of a family. In order to function well in relationships we need to understand God's Father-heart.

God's passionate love focuses on family. His nature & essence is love & He wants us to experience that love. The passion of Christ was to introduce us to the Father & connect us with His love. Everything we desire in terms of loving relationships is found in Him.

Sometimes in life things happen that make you wonder how anything good can come from situations you may find yourself in. Then we reflect & realise how God's protected us through it all & that His grace is sufficient for us to deal with every card we're dealt if we would just learn to trust Him through it all. Instead of focusing on the challenges we need to change our perspective & see the opportunities for God's miracle working power to be revealed.

Getting hit by a truck backing out of a driveway wasn't part of my planning when I left the church prayer meeting this morning but praise God except for my car & ego, no one was injured.

I'm thinking the enemy didn't want our Fatherheart of God book study at 10am to happen because it's digging deep & dealing with some more buried issues I'd thought I'd dealt with. This was the 2nd week in a row I wasn't able to go but the other ladies decided not to continue without me.

Now this to me is a classic illustration of the blessing of both.

Truck = 1 / Toyota = 0 characterised 😜

As a matter of fact many doctors today don't even consider you pregnant unless you've reached 12 weeks. And yes, it's holding in the pain & anguish that eventually leads to depression that can ultimately destroy you. All 4 of mine were within the first 12 weeks. Only the 1st others knew about & the lack of support I received & people's invalidation of my pain, guilt & shame (yes, you do feel guilty & ashamed) caused me not to mention the others until many, many years later, but it's been a burden so heavy to bear alone & was part of the reason I eventually found myself in a pit of depression so deep that I no longer wanted to live.

Talking about it brings it out in the open & removes the enemy's power to use it in accusations against you. The truth sets us free to overcome.

However there is hope in Christ. He reached down into the pit to lift me out & give me a new life & renewed hope & can do the same for you. Today I pray for everyone walking on this path for healing & restoration in this area. I feel your pain & it wasn't your fault. Bring it to Him & allow Him to turn it into a testimony of His goodness & mercy. Call on Him & He will answer.

And with these Identity Statements (created in Photoshop) my friend & I finished off our "Healing the Soul of a Woman" book study by Joyce Meyer Ministries.

One of the biggest challenges in my life has been my lack of knowledge of my identity in Christ bringing with it a lack of self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy & fear of rejection. These statements are meant to help me transform my mind when I think of myself in any way other than what God's Word says about me.

God has done some wondrous healing in our lives through this study. I must admit having an accountability partner was good because at times the questions were tough & would have been tempting to give up again if I did it alone like I did last year after chapter 1. Next term we start Father-heart of God by Floyd McClung.

Praise the Lord!!! I think I have finally overcome my audition anxiety.

This one's taken a while after losing my voice when I was supposed to audition at the end of May & it was gone for about weeks. Obviously God wasn't finished with me yet & I needed to complete the Cleansing Stream to break the strongholds that have been on my life all these years.

I will start out with events choir until they manage to get enough people for the Life North Campus. I might even consider joining the Life Central choir for their monthly practice. It will take some time, training & confidence building to eventually make it into the Sunday worship team.

Did I mention that "King of My Heart" by Bethel Music was the most challenging song I've ever had to learn, not because of the difficulty but the enemy attacks? I have never in my life struggled so much memorising song lyrics & tune. This was also my first attempt at singing to a backing track. I tend to feel a little unsure when I'm singing all alone.

This is me finally stepping into that vision the Lord gave me back in 1988 but life had taught me to believe I wasn't good enough. Now I've proved to myself that those were all lies to stop me from reaching my potential & walking in God's purpose for my life. Wish me luck as I take my first step trusting God who began the good work in me to complete it.

Let the King of my heart

Be the mountain where I run

The fountain I drink from

Oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the shadow where I hide

The ransom for my life

Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

And let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

And You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

Oh 'cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

Last year around this time Pastor Steven Furtick's sermons started popping up in my Facebook feed after I hit rock bottom in my life long struggle with depression & anxiety. It some stage I was binge watching sermons because it felt like God was speaking right at me with every sermon.

He reached down into my pit of depression & suicidal thoughts & lifted me out. Today I've been depression free for 5 months. I have just completed the Cleansing stream & had generational soul ties, orphaned spirit, victimhood, bondages & other curses broken. I'm free at last & for the first time in my life I know that I know that He was there all along in those moments I felt lost & abandoned.

The last 49 years have been preparation. Now I'm am all fired up to take His healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love & set the captives free.

In August 2018 I did a search for Christian choirs & found one at Northcross Church that didn't require me to be a member of the church because I had absolutely no intention to go to church because of previous hurt that prevented me from going to church for 11 years. All I needed, or so I thought was corporate worship. During our first Sunday morning performance in church, God was speaking & I felt myself drawn to find a church to call home & be planted in. In November my osteopath suggested I try Life, & finally, in January 2019 I walked into the doors at the North Campus & was met with an overwhelming feeling of being "home". That morning I re-dedicated my life to God & He put me on a path of recovery. I still spent a lot of time listening to online sermons and during the prayer of one of Sarah Jakes Roberts' sermons I felt the weight of depression being lifted off my chest.

Even though deliverance was instant, remaining free & walking in victory over depression has been a daily process of spending time with God to renew my mind according to His Word. I spend a lot of time Bible journaling to keep the enemies lies under control. I have believed these lies for so long that it takes a daily effort to choose which voice I will be listening to. Changing my inner narrative has been my daily challenge but I am grateful that when I am weak, He proves His strength through me. I still fight off the natural reflex of self-isolation & often have to boot myself out the door for creative team & church. But without those activities I feel lost & defenceless. The enemy’s attacks never stop, but now I know that when I’m at my weakest, God carries me.

I had spent most of my life struggling on & off with high functioning depression & anxiety due to complex PTSD caused by all these traumas. All my life I identified with guilt, shame & worthlessness well hidden behind fake smiles, workaholism, busyness & servanthood. I was convinced I was unlovable, worthless, after all my own brother had ignored me for 30 years & my mom & sister only knew my number when they wanted something. My need for love & acceptance drove me to do anything I could to be accepted & appreciated. My inability to set healthy boundaries left me vulnerable to exploitation by those who knew me only for what they could get from me. I would give until it hurt & seldom received anything back, which of course confirmed the lies I had come to believe about myself. I had sacrificed myself & everything I was meant to be on the altar of my need for acceptance instead of receiving & accepting my validation from the One who had created me.

There are still many areas in my life where I need God's intervention to change the fruit of my sinful responses, but I am becoming more aware every day that God doesn't love me for what I do but for who I am & that I'm not condemned when I mess up. His grace is sufficient & He doesn't expect me to change to be accepted but He loves me too much to leave me the way I am & is constantly showing me areas where healing & restoration is required. He is walking with me through this furnace to burn off everything that is not of Him.

I now call Life North home. It brings me great joy to sing in the choir, serve on the welcome team, attend weekly prayer meetings, serve in our Henderson Community Kitchen & last but not least host a small Creative Connect Group at my home on Friday mornings.

And on this high note I'm closing another chapter of my life & bid farewell to all the wonderful ladies at Greater Auckland Chorus who have been my sisterhood for the last 3 years.

I don't believe in coincidence but God in His divine wisdom has brought me here to heal, learn, grow & prepare for His purpose to be fulfilled in my life. I had given up on a lifelong dream due to feelings of worthlessness but they have helped me realise & prove to myself that I'm good enough after all.

Thank you for supporting me through my worst & helping me restore my confidence. It's been an honour & absolute pleasure singing with you. You rock!!!

🎼I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me🎶🎵

All to often we've been raised to think that we're not enough. Who hasn't heard the phrase "you can do better than that" from a parent or teacher in their lifetime? When last has someone acknowledged & celebrated you for who you are & accepted you just as you are?

From the day we're born society & mainstream media bombard us with messages of our imperfections, comparing us with others that are thinner, prettier, better than you. This sets unattainable goals to strive for which ultimately breaks down our confidence & sets us up for failure resulting in mental health issues drives us into the pit of despair because we spend our lives trying to be what we perceive people expect us to be in order to avoid rejection rather than just being our unique selves that God has created us to be.

Performance is in itself hard work & keeping it up is draining even more so in our world of mounting pressures, but true freedom comes from being accepted & loved in spite of our all flaws.

God loved us while we were still sinners. We are enough.

What a bittersweet end to my day today. I had my last chorus rehearsal with these awesome ladies from Greater Auckland Chorus.

I joined 3 years ago as a distraction to my lifelong struggle with depression & anxiety. The weekly 3 hours singing sessions have been my lifeline through some of the toughest years of my life. The sisterhood & support was invaluable & will be sorely missed.

Last year I hit rock bottom of despair & hopelessness. My world fell apart but 3 months ago God delivered me from the pit of depression and the next couple of Tuesdays will be filled with a Healing Course at church. I'm walking through a process of healing & restoration. It's great to be free, have my joy restored, sleep well at night & wake up with a song on my heart every morning. It's finally time to move on.

Next month I'll join the LifeNZ North Campus Creative team where I trust I'll find my fit (worship lead / dance / drama / choir / whatever else is available) in pursuing God's purpose for my life.

At Chorus the vocal training was phenomenal & I learnt I was good enough after all. I now have a new found confidence in my own abilities so bring on that audition I know I CAN do it! It's time to dust off my dreams, unite my joy for singing with my passion for worship & kick some enemy butt. I'm blessed to be a blessing & can't wait to see what God will do through me.

🎼Take My healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love🎶🎵

Thanks so much for everything Jocosa & team, you rock.😘

A pure heart is like pure gold—soft, tender, and pliable. Hebrews 3:13 states that hearts are hardened through the deceitfulness of sin! If we do not deal with an offense, it will produce more fruit of sin, such as bitterness, anger, and resentment. This added substance hardens our hearts just as alloys harden gold.

I will not be held prisoner by the enemy through my own unwillingness to rid my heart of anger and unforgiveness and by spewing out bitter waters rather than pure.

Holy Spirit, keep me from hurt, deceit, and distortion because of darkened understanding and wrong conclusions about the intent of others to wrong me. Reveal my heart’s true condition, and do not allow hidden offense to clothe me with pride.

3 years ago I joined chorus, suffering with severe depression & anxiety and I was nearing my breaking point. Singing has always been the 1 thing in my life that I was passionate about, but the first that was attacked in order to ultimately destroy my Even though I'm so grateful for Chorus that's helped me grow my confidence during the last 3 years so I can finally step out to reach for my lifelong dream.

I started singing in the Northcross Church Choir on Mondays in August 2018 & have joined the Life NZ Creative Team which includes worship lead, choir, dance, drama, graphic design & more. I will also be getting involved in life groups & community activities.

Having recently ben delivered from a lifetime of struggling with anxiety & depression, I'm excited to be able to finally become part of a church where people are our priority. As God's hands & feet we can bring delivery & healing to the nations.

As I'm standing at the edge of yet another new chapter in my life, I'm so grateful that the grace of God is greater than all of my messes. I've spent most of my life in bondage to the invisible prison of my mind, believing all the lies of guilt, shame & worthlessness that people, experiences & society have taught me throughout my life.

I have since learnt that I cannot change how people treat me, but I can choose to allow God to help me not to take offence but instead see the pain that causes them to do so, because hurting people hurt people. No matter how well we hide it, the brokenness inside has a way of spilling out onto others in anger & frustration, causing us to lash out & hurt others. Last year I hit rock bottom but God has graciously reached down to lift me from the pit of depression & brought me into His marvellous light.

After all these years, I'm finally coming out of the wilderness & gearing up to move into His purpose for my life. One that up to now I've felt so overwhelmingly inadequate & unworthy of but now trust that God's power will be revealed through my weaknesses. I'm thankful that God uses broken people & pray that He will use this broken vessel to bring the love & healing I've received to those connected to me.

So often we think He has left us. He is always there, and much like an umbrella we'll get wet if we step out from under it's covering. God is BIGGER than all our messes & nothing is beyond His healing power if only we would reach out to Him.

Someone else's miracle may be on the other side of my obedience to God's calling.

Assignment from Chapter 2 of Healing the Soul of a Woman:

Draw and image to symbolize how God's Word is medicine to your soul. Look at the image often and remember to take your medicine.

All our relationships are built upon the very foundational relationship we have with our father. A broken relationship with your father results in relationship issues. If the foundation of your house is broken it will affect everything you try to build on it. We live in a fallen world where generations of emotionally wounded adults have raised emotionally wounded children. Everyone has daddy issues because our fathers are human, imperfect & flawed. But God can set us free with a Father Fix. Emotional healing, restoration & recovery is available to all who will allow Him to do it for them.

WoW! I'm slowly beginning to understand my own reactions & why the enemy's attacks have been so fierce on my life. Feelings of rejection, abandonment, guilt, shame, worthlessness, never being good enough, anxiety, depression, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurities fears, even those that have been buried so deep & not visible, that have haunted me since childhood, are being exposed as to where they're coming from & how they formed my reactions & behaviours through the years.

I have spent decades searching for God's purpose & calling for my life & wondering why He's not using me yet. I've even questioned His presence in my life. I thought He'd left me. Today I realise that the vision God gave me 30+ years ago cannot come to fruition until I have dealt with all the baggage of my past experiences. I need to find my strength & identity in Christ, break away from what I've been taught to believe about myself all these years and be transformed to become more Christ-like in my thoughts & actions so I can stand strong on the Word & not waiver when the storms hit. I need to study to show myself approved unto God, a workman that need not be ashamed. 2 Timothy 2:15

I thank God that He has redeemed my life from the pit & crowned me with loving kindness and tender mercy. Psalm 103:4 He reached down into my deepest darkest hours & has delivered free from the depression that has plagued me for most of my life but I also realise now that in order to remain free for good, I have to work at exposing & dealing with all the baggage that has caused it in the first place lest the pit drags me back in because of buried issues. After all, God didn't promise me a trouble-free life. In fact John 16:33 says in this world we WILL have tribulation but we can be of good cheer because Christ has overcome the world.

But God can set us free with a Father Fix. Emotional healing, restoration & recovery is available to all who will allow Him to do it for them. Even when your father & mother forsake you, He will adopt you. Psalm 27:10.

I must let God release/heal/deliver/bring a new level of intentionality & strength to my relationships. I must allow my mind, will & emotions to be healed where it comes to the relationship soul. If I'm broken I contaminate the big dream thing God may bring. If I'm hurting I'll destroy it. If I'm messed up, I will end up forfeiting the great thing God has for me.

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, Luke 4:18 KJV God has assigned us to the mountain so that we can show others that it can be moved. We will overcome by the blood of the lamb & the word of our testimony. Revelation 12:11

We need to learn to wear the full armour of God daily.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

Ephesians 6:10‭-‬18 KJV

I’ve hated this woman. I’ve not loved her at full capacity. I’ve fed her lies & told her she wasn’t good enough and have allowed others to tell her she wasn't good enough. I’ve allowed her to be broken. I've allowed others to treat her disrespectfully.

I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls & battle for others who won’t even stand for her. I couldn’t stop individuals from abandoning her, yet I’ve seen her get up and stand to be a light to the world & love others despite all. I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart and soul.

This woman has screwed up many times as daughter, sister, mum, or as a friend, because she doesn’t always say or do the "right things". She has a smart mouth, and she has secrets. She has scars... because she has a history.

Some people love this woman, some like her, and some people don't care for her at all.

She has done good in her life. She has done bad in her life. She goes days without makeup, or shaving her legs sometimes. She doesn’t get dressed up half the time. She is random and sometimes silly. She will not pretend to be someone she is not. She is who she is.

Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy, and achievement has made her the woman she is today.

You can love her or not. But if she loves you, she will do it with her whole heart, and she will make no apologies for the way she is.

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

This Woman is a WARRIOR.

She’s not perfect but God calls her WORTHY!

She’s UNSTOPPABLE.

Gracefully broken but beautifully standing.

She is loved.

She is life.

She is transformation.

She is Grace.

She is BRAVE!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Loof die Heer met blye galme

O my siel daar's ryke stof.

Sal solank ek leef my psalmvrolik toewei aan Sy lof

en Hom wat Sy guns my bied,

altyd groot maak in my lied.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul & all that is within me less His holy Name.

2017&8 tried to take me out but God has redeemed my soul from the pit of anxiety & depression. I live to see another birthday & new opportunities to fulfill God's purpose for my pain. This is my year of reset, upgrade & transformation. For 48 years I've been stuck in my own pain & insecurities but 2019 will be my year of breakthrough & spiritual growth. I'm backed by a God who loved me so much that He gave His Son to die on the cross that I may live. Thank you Jesus for restoring the joy of my salvation & letting me wake up with a song on my heart again.

God is good all the time.

Today I identified myself with the woman at the well.

Having lived with rejection & abandonment all my life, I have learnt to shut people out. Childhood emotional neglect as well as other traumas during my life have resulted in my lifelong struggle with anxiety & depression. This of course brought on feelings of shame, guilt & inadequacy which cause me to withdraw into myself & thus worsening the feelings of rejection & abandonment because people don't see the real broken me & I in turn think they don't care.

I still struggle to grasp the Lord's "father" heart & love for me because I didn't have a loving earthly father. I shy away from relationships because I've spent a lifetime doing for others & being who I thought the wanted me to be so they wouldn't leave (which they did anyway) rather than being who God created me to be.

Feelings I battle with daily include, inadequacy, insecurity, abandonment, guilt, shame, anxiety, lack of confidence & trust issues.

Even worse, I have also shut God out. He has just recently redeemed my life from the pit & I am still struggling to work through all the emotional traumas of my life. Even though I can praise & worship Him now & I listen to sermons on my morning walks, I still struggle with building a relationship because I find myself at a loss of words when needing to express what's in my heart. I know He knows my heart, but sometimes it feels that I don't even know my own.

There's an emptiness deep down in our gut that only God can fill through a healthy, thriving relationship with Christ himself.

Here we stand at the dawning of a new era in our lives. 21 years ago we were blessed with a bundle of joy. That precious bundle now all grown up & spreading his wings. I've planned this special send-off into adulthood for so many years and now that it has arrived, I'm feeling overwhelmed. It was supposed to be the most joyous & spectacular event he could have dreamed of but instead the last years have happened & it feels like I have lost my boy... 

If there's one thing I've realised lately is that in so many ways I have failed my boys over the years. My own lack of guidance & examples had left me ill equipped to prevent the scars of emotional neglect they too now carry. Hurt people, hurt people & I was hurting so bad I buried myself in work for the most important years of their lives. I loved them with every fibre of my being but emotionally I was unavailable. 

Hell I still don't know how to handle all this emotional stuff. That is time I will never get back & scars they will carry for a lifetime. I wish I could have a do-over. I would change so much but all that remains for me is to ask forgiveness & pray that they will heal in time. I pray that they will find love & happiness and be ok. May they always find their ways back home if ever they meed us...

In October 2016 we took in our eldest's 18-year-old girlfriend & her 4-month-old son into our home straight from hospital because she was in so much pain & incapable of taking care of herself or her son. I loved them without boundaries like my own but was ill-equipped for the emotional rollercoaster & personal trigger moments that would follow. I was constantly worrying about the children’s safety.

Over the following years, the kids' shenanigans, which I experienced as total disrespect & lack of consideration & appreciation for us would trigger many of my buried emotions & set me off on an emotional rollercoaster of note. The biggest one came when baby Sean's biological dad came on the scene 2 years after abandoning her for not aborting the baby & she insisted he should be involved. I cannot explain the anger that welled up inside me. This started causing issues for my son & subsequently total turmoil for the whole family. It seemed my family was falling apart & that would spiral me into the deepest, darkest pit of depression, anxiety & suicidal thoughts to the extent that I hit an absolute "rock bottom" & had a complete breakdown in July 2017.

I was fortunate to find a very compassionate doctor who focuses on the wholistic approach to recovery & spent the next year on anti a very mild depressant just to take the edge of the extreme highs & lows I was experiencing. I also started with weekly, then bi-weekly & then monthly visits to the doctor for check-ups & to talk me through the emotions.

One morning in October, I woke up to a WhattsApp message from my brother. For 30 years I had prayed for this relationship to be restored but I had finally given up. His first contact sent me spinning into a rage of anxiety. He had returned to the Lord 5 years prior & was reaching out to make amends & check if I was still serving God. I was afraid to trust or reconcile for fear that it wouldn’t last, but finally decided to tell him everything & where I was at. After I told him everything I had been dealing with & that I had given up on everything including life, he revealed the reason he messaged me was that I had appeared to him in a dream that night. I had stopped by his work & brought him a little girl, he knows personally, that had been molested & pleading him to please help her. There is no doubt in my mind that this was a divine intervention of God to pull me out of the pit. Stefan has been my constant support ever since & still messages me daily even if it’s just a quick hello.

During this time Pastor Steven Furtick’s sermon started popping up on your feed. At the time he was doing the "Triggered" series, along theme of triggers, issues with anxiety & where are the outbursts coming from. Instead of mind numbingly scrolling through Facebook, I found myself binge watching sermons. God was working on my heart & I started to develop an immense desire to worship again.

Suddenly Sean’s dad wanted to be involved in his life. Clive agreed he could come visit him at our home, but every time I saw him I was confronted by the anger of him wanting to abort this precious baby, but for the sake of mom & baby had to be nice & tolerate his visits. This was causing inner turmoil & by end of February 2018 the family turmoil had escalated to the extent that I totally snapped one night after the kids had a fight. I phoned my brother in such hysteria because I had totally lost it that he immediately planned a trip & came to visit for 2 weeks in April to help me through my crisis. I had gone from having a house filled with young adults that I had "adopted" as my own to an empty home with just hubby & our youngest. The loss was immense & strengthened my sense of worthlessness. To this day, I still miss all these extra children.

One morning I was sitting on the swing in the park at Schnapper Rock, numbscrolling through Facebook. I had hit rock-bottom but suddenly this photo my friend, Wendy had taken appeared on my feed & I heard the Lord say "You will soar like an eagle because My love will carry you through this pain."

When we "adopted" a friend’s 22-year-old as a son into our home in September 2014 because he’d run out of money to pay rent whilst studying. Unfortunately, we didn't foresee the influence he would have on our on sons then 17 & 13. My eldest's 18th birthday & subsequent exposure to alcohol & desire for freedom pulling him away from the family would be the first of many to trigger my childhood experiences with drunkards & fears for his safety. The boys would go out at night & often not come home without telling me they were sleeping out. This would send me off in a tangent because I’d stress about how they could be lying somewhere in a ditch having had an accident or something & I wouldn’t know where to even start looking for them. My inability to communicate my experiences & fears effectively, caused me to lash out in anger & frustration, sending the kids running away. I started to feel my family crumble & all my hopes & dreams for my boys & our future were slowly fading away.

In February 2016 I joined Auckland Chorus to sing again & also to find something to do other than being home alone all day. It took me 6 tries at passing the audition because every time I had to audition anxiety would freak me out & set me up for failure. A massive inner conflict of needing to achieve & want to run away ensued. The 3 hours singing on Tuesdays would carry me through the week despite the social anxiety that I had to fight to get there. Many a day Clive literally booted me out the door to go. Singing enabled me for those 3 hours to switch off the thoughts that so constantly bombarded me. It got me through another week.

We had considered moving to Germany, but because we had taken up home-schooling our boys due to Misha’s learning struggles at school, that was no longer an option since home-schooling in Germany is illegal. Clive started looking at alternatives when our friends immigrated to New Zealand in 2012. Initially I didn’t want to move but over the next 2 years I became convinced there was nothing left for me in SA. Whether I’m all alone there or in NZ would make no difference, or so I told myself. I guess in a sense removed some of the guilt for not wanting to visit people who made me feel so inherently lonely & unloved. 

In March 2014 we made our final decision, told the family & by end of July we bid them all farewell. Effectively nothing has changed. I still don’t hear from my sister unless I initiate. My dad has started phoning occasionally & my mom sends the odd WhattsApp.

Our eldest, Jesse, has had a solid Grade R foundation because he graduated with Hettie & didn’t start off at private school like Misha. He seems to have coped quite well in private school & doesn’t have any learning problems, but we felt it impractical to leave one in school & home educate the other, so we gave him the choice to stay or come home. He eagerly chose to come home & I have noticed that school has killed his love for learning too, yet he was still getting good grades.

Although he was achieving good results, he wasn’t reaching his full potential because his love for learning had been destroyed.

Ever since the decision was made, both our boys have changed drastically. They have become much more loveable, relaxed & no longer fight on a daily basis. They actually get along much better & I find them play-wrestling almost on a daily basis. Although our home education journey was only meant to be for a season to get Misha up to standard, we have since decided that they will never ever be exposed to those “square environments” again…

Our biggest challenge for now is how to repair the damage & restore their love for learning, so please if you have any tips/suggestions at all, please leave a comment.

We have a very active, yet highly intelligent 7 year old, who has been struggling through school for the past 2 years. It has recently come to our attention that his gross & fine motor skills foundation has not been addressed properly at a Gr. R level. He is also a kinaesthetic, visual spatial & active learner & this learning style is not catered for in most of our schools today. He hated school, was always tired & homework time was a major frustration for both of us.

“A mother’s first duty to her children is to secure for them a quiet and growing time, a full six years of passive receptive life, the waking part of it for the most part spent out in the fresh air.” ~ Charlotte Mason

And that’s where the “system” failed our little one quite miserably…

Already in Grade R we called on Tannie Hettie to help, because by end of August, he still didn’t know his alphabet. Within 3 weeks with 1 hour at Hettie, twice a week, he knew half of it & by the end of the year he had it all. During this time hubby started suggesting home education, but I resisted because I just didn’t feel confident that I would be able to do it. I figured, I’d probably strangle him in a week because we were always frustrated & irritable when doing homework.

But then in Grade 1 teacher insisted he needed speech therapy, so that’s what he got. But it didn’t end there, because speech therapy just caused more confusion. After 3 months the teacher figured we should switch him over to remedial lessons instead. During this time of course it was suggested that he does extra lessons. Needless to say, the remedial  lessons (at additional cost to us as parents) produced no results & extra lessons were just adding to his stress.  I went back to Hettie. Once again, he went to her twice a week for an hour after school. But the poor kid was so exhausted, by the time I got back to fetch him she’d mention he was just too tired to really work with, although she did still manage to produce results. At the end of Grade 1 we decided to cancel remedial as well as extra lessons & depended on Hettie entirely to help him. However, he was still tired after school & extra murals, so we reduced it to once a week, but instead of giving more work, she would work with him doing his homework so that he didn’t still have to do that when he got home. It helped a lot, but left little time for her to work with him on movement & motor skills.

With a push & a shove, we managed to get him through grade 1,  but the struggle didn’t end there. He continued to go to Hettie once a week & was making good improvement, but whilst working with him doing his homework one day I noticed that he would “read” words on one page but wasn’t able to recognise them on another. That’s when we realised something was seriously wrong…He kept on insisting that teacher would read to them first & then they would read. What they didn’t realise though, was that he could memorise a page hearing it only once.  he became more & more fidgety in class.

After my neck operation in June, hubby insisted we look into home education as an option, even if just for a short term to get him up to standard, thus I took the school holiday & started some serious investigation in to home education. After the holiday his teacher (a very highly qualified remedial teacher at that) once again requested that we to give him medication for his “lack of concentration”.

Finally we decided to let Hettie stop working with him on his homework. I asked her to go back to the basics & find the problem. Turns out he couldn’t skip a skipping rope, tie his shoe laces or cross his midlines & he remembered nothing of what he should have learnt in Grade R. It seems the school focused too early & too much on academics & neglected the motor skills as well as visual perception. Midline crossing & skipping, being very important skills for fluent reading are just 2 of many areas that have not been addressed properly. Although he can memorise paragraphs, like a parrot, he struggles to read. He Aced his spelling tests but couldn’t spell them when writing sentences. These are just a few of the issues we’ve been working on together with his pre-school teacher to get him through Gr. 2. Up to now he’s been able to cope with his intelligence, but the struggling has impacted his self-esteem very negatively & caused him to dislike school with a passion & homework for us, became an endless battle.

Although the school tried to address the problem with remedial & extra lessons, these showed very little success, but instead placed extra workload & repetition rather than addressing the foundation of the problem… hence we’ve took him back to Hettie Hen Playgroup twice a week since August last year so she could do physical activities & brain gym with him in order to get the brain development going. This has shown huge improvement, but his backlog is so big that he still gets very fidgety in class when he doesn’t understand the tasks at hand.

We met with the principal to discuss the problem & check what they’d do to resolve it, but his reply was that they’d support us in whatever we decided. In the end the teacher was expecting myself & Hettie to work at resolving the foundational problems, in order for him to pass his grade. By then I was at the end of my tether. I think I hated homework time more than he did. Due to the amount of stress caused by school pressure, Hettie & I felt it would be more productive doing this if we removed him from school & this is were our journey in to home education began…

“Every student can learn. Just not on the same day or in the same way.” ~ George Evans

We know now that Misha’s just a normal active little boy who’s trying to cope with a situation that’s way beyond his control. We were just blessed with one of those “round kids” that doesn’t fit into the “square holes”, but refused to accept the labels, & instead, removed him from the “square hole” environment & since he’s been home his reading has improved although he still hates it. He’s getting A’s on his Smart Tutor English & Maths Lessons but absolutely hates filling out the worksheets. He’s a much happier & healthier child, but still has a very long way to go… & yes, three months later both of us are still very much alive, because the stress release on both sides has enabled me to be more patient & tolerable.

We’ve recently registered him with Le-Amen Education Centre in Ruimsig & have pulled him out of school on Friday. What I like about Le-Amen is that they are registered with the Gauteng education department and they supply the curriculum at very reasonable prices. The kids’ work books have to be handed in 3 times a year to be monitored by qualified teachers & at the end of the school year they issue school reports to the children. Both parent & kids are monitored & at matric level they write the same IEB exams as the private schools.

We used the first week to let him destress & deschool. In the interim he’ll be using Time4learning online curriculum to put the fun back into learning. Then we’ll continue his schooling, but will also have to go back as far as Gr. R in order to address his foundation. I just hope we caught it on time to repair the damage & that we will be able to help him reach his full potential in life.

“Mothers write on the hearts of their children what the hand of time can’t erase.” (Unknown)

When I look at the amount of kids in our schools that end up in remedial & extra lessons, I cannot help but wonder how many of them are highly intelligent kids, like Misha, whose foundations have been proved lacking & due to that will be struggling through school for the rest of their lives. I just cannot understand how it is possible in today’s day & age, with all the knowledge available to our teachers regarding the importance of physical activities being the foundation to develop brain functions in our little ones that they still let them sit cooped up in classrooms with academics all day at such a young age. Our little ones should be playing more & learning less, the academics will follow as soon as the body is sorted.

I must confess, I’ve spent months stressing about Misha’s situation & was fuming, when the teacher’s plan to resolve this issue was aimed at Misha’s preschool teacher & myself addressing the foundation in order to get him through Gr. 2. As far as I was concerned, we pay expensive school fees & he shouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place. Today, however, I can honestly say the burden’s lifted & I have peace in my heart that we’ve made the right decision for our boys.

“When we forgive someone, it doesn’t make them right or justify what they have done. It releases them into God’s hands so He can deal with them. Forgiveness is actually the best revenge because it not only sets us free from the person we forgive, but it sets us free to move into all God has for us.” ~ Stormie O’Martian

The school & their staff have been forgiven. I’m letting go & we’re moving forward. I pray for wisdom to make the right decisions in order to continuously guide our sons into reaching their full potential.

I started my working career in June 1989. Both my “sisters” got jobs at Sanlam as well & we lived in Sanlam's hostel. However, Mams & Paps decided to move away & both Antoinette & Ronel decided to leave their jobs to join them. I was settled in my job & didn’t want to uproot myself again so I decided to stay. I had found a church, attended a home cell & had found a new family where I was loved & accepted "warts & all". All was well for a few years, after all I had received a prophesy that God would turn the hearts of the fathers to their children & that He would restore my family & was hanging on to that for dear life.

After two failed engagements, I met & married my husband, Clive. I was utterly disappointed about dad & brother not attending our wedding. We were financially strained & took a transfer to Johannesburg in order to get area allowance to afford living.

Then life happened, various new jobs, increased stress & crime in surrounding areas increased. Relationships with our Cape Town friends didn't withstand the test of distance. I was back at keeping up all the contact, never hearing from people if I didn’t initiate it & I started struggling with rejection, isolation & abandonment again.

In 1996 I ended up in hospital due to an ectopic pregnancy after falling pregnant within weeks of starting a new job. This brought about some challenges because my superior was not happy that I had left the office unmanned when she attended a regional meeting together with the regional manager. She dismissed my issue as not significant because I had been barely 6 weeks pregnant. Once again depression returned & with that my first round of anti-depressants. My emotional turmoil was wreaking havoc with my ability to work well & I was constantly messing up & couldn't do anything right to the extent that she wanted to do a disciplinary. However, in November having totally mixed-up hormones I went to the gynaecologist to get help sorting those but found out that I was expecting again. Clive & I decided we weren't going to risk pregnancy with the work stress, so I resigned & started temping instead. After Jesse 3 more miscarriages followed but because of previous experiences I never told anyone that I was even pregnant. Even my pregnancy with Misha was also only revealed when I passed the 12-week mark for fear that we’d lose him before & then had to explain away the loss again.

Another huge blow to my emotions was my little sister’s court wedding on her 18th birthday. Whilst I was at work mom sent me an SMS to notify me that she had just got married. Not being invited or even informed that they were planning to do this was a major disappointment because I wanted to arrange a kitchen tea & be there with her. My mom’s absence at my son’s births has also weighed heavy on me over the years. She didn't drive 70km to be there when I gave birth but flew in from Ireland to be there for the birth both of my sister's children.

Another huge disappointment was our being church choir disbanded due to "a lack of commitment" in spite of  being there every week for every practice, service & event although I had a baby & was doing Bible College at the same time.

My husband and I were cell leaders for 7 years, during which time we’d help support in many ways even financially those in our group that were struggling. Much of our financial debt was accumulated because we’d give till it hurt via our credit card. The first of few years of leadership we had a very supportive zone pastor who would visit & phone regularly as well as have regular leadership get togethers. But then he resigned & was replaced. Our new leader was in our home maybe twice in 4 years & the leadership get togethers dwindled away. Then when we needed emotional support when mother-in-law got cancer, everyone was gone & even the leadership faltered. I sent out a prayer request email, stating that if I as a Christian felt so unloved & unsupported in church, I could very well imagine how the unbelievers must look at the church. Instead of coming to our aid, our zone pastor phoned my husband telling him I’m unruly & he needed to control me better because that email was portraying him in a bad light. Once again I felt betrayed, rejected, and abandoned & stopped going to church. In 2007 we dealt with three deaths all by ourselves. Oma Else’s had the most impact & depression returned followed by suicidal thoughts. I felt so rejected & abandoned by our leadership that I turned away from Christianity & wanted nothing more to do with any of it. We resigned as home cell leaders & it took 3 weeks & an email including the senior pastor before our zone pastor even acknowledged our resignation.

After that followed 3 major operations, twice in ICU for three days within 14 months starting in 2009 with absolutely no support, not even my family came to visit me in hospital & only received 1 visit afterwards whilst I spent 6 weeks recovering. We started reducing our visits to the family & unless we initiated it, we hardly heard from anyone. Of course, crime in our area was increasing steadily & with that came the constant concern about our family’s safety. I wouldn’t dare to drive at night & stuck to a strict 30km radius from home. I stopped watching the news & TV because I just couldn’t handle the trauma around what was happening around us anymore.

As a post abortion baby , with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was incubated in fear, shame & survival guilt. I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to earn my keep & prove myself worthy of love resulting in a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts.

I was raised in a Godless & emotionally neglectful home. My earliest childhood memory is hiding in the dark closet at maybe 4 years old whilst drunk parents were fighting crockery flying across the room. For years I doubted this specific memory until 3 years ago when my brother confirmed it was true. As a little child I would throw tantrums in order to get some attention from my parents, because to me being scolded was better than being ignored. I vividly remember having my head shoved under the cold water tap for crying hence I spent the rest of my life suppressing my tears. To add insult to injury, my mom once told me I wasn't planned. My brother often teased me endlessly until I got a hiding for screaming in frustration.

I lost my grandparents & other relatives to migration when we immigrated to South Africa in October 1975. My parents never encouraged communication, so they became strangers we'd only see once more 4 years later. After that many more moves followed, I stopped counting at 30 by the time I was 20. This included 9 different primary schools & 3 high schools which included about 5 years of boarding school 3-4 hours away from home. All of that caused severe social anxiety & left me feeling like an outsider struggling to make & maintain friendships for the rest of my life. I stopped trying to fit & make friends because friendships wouldn't survive snail mail & regular moves.

Ouboet & I spent many days home alone with the domestic worker, Liesbet, there in the morning & back in her little house on the other end of the lifestyle block the rest of the day. Dad would hang out at the pub most days after work. Mom was a restaurant manageress & would sleep at work often. There were times we didn't see either of them for weeks. At that stage I was still scared of the dark & would switch mom & dad's bedside radio & the hall light on before going to bed. They would switch off when they got home & by the time we woke up would be gone to work already.

In 1977 mom sent us to a German boarding school about 4 hours away from home. On weekends when the other kids went home, we'd remain because it was just too far to fetch us every weekend.  After a few months, my classmate started to invite us to their farm & her parents would become the first set of "parents" that would introduce us to a Godly life.

After 2 years dad's speeding fines on every trip to & from boarding school became too much for the budget so by the end of 1979 we were home alone again. Fortunately, we had gotten new neighbours across the road who would become best friends. We would spend most of our time visiting them & were treated like part of the family. For the first time in my childhood I experienced family the way God intended. I gained 2 sisters & a brother. On Sundays they would go to church & invite us to go with them, which we did for a long time.

My parents divorced when I was 10 after which mom dropped us with our neighbours/friends across the road. I would later hear it was because she didn't want us anymore. At that stage, my brother & I were severely malnourished having lived mostly on mieliepap, bread & eggs. We didn't know the difference between carrots & pumpkin or cabbage & lettuce. I remember hating the taste of the tonic the doctor prescribed so much that when Mams took the bottle out, I ran & hid outside. Mams & Paps loved us like their own, but unfortunately this joy was short lived because 3 months later mom came back to fetch us. She was moving provinces & her new boyfriend had insisted she bring her children along & I wouldn’t see them again for a few years. I often thought my dad didn’t love us because mom said he didn’t care when we asked why he never phoned.  Years later I would find out that she’d told him we didn’t want to speak to him.

There were a few more boyfriends after that & when I was 12 mom remarried. We were in boarding school at the time & hardly knew him. Initially he seemed a fine guy but when we were home permanently again, we quickly learnt he too had alcohol abuse issues & would budget his monthly alcohol purchases over the grocery budget. 5 days after my 13th birthday my little sister was born & from then on. Suddenly things changed at home.  He now had his own daughter and I felt no longer important. For me this meant more rejection because suddenly I could do nothing right. I related to Cinderella, being good enough only to wash the dishes, doing house chores, changing nappies, babysitting & having to take sis out to play in the local park. I loved her to bits but hated how she was everything to my parents, but my existence was barely noted & nothing I did or achieved was ever good enough.

Not long after that I was molested by my sister's godfather when he would come visit us with his wife. He was such a kind person but whenever he visited with my mom & stepdad, they would drink a lot & when he was drunk he'd touch me in places that made me cringe. At the time I had no sense of personal boundaries & didn't know about inappropriate touching. The confusion, guilt & shame that brought was immense. Is this how people showed love, but why so much guilt & shame? I couldn't talk to my mom about it because I felt she either wouldn't believe me or would blame me for it so I just shut down & buried it as deep as I could. I was glad when my step-dad was transferred & we moved to the other end of the country so I didn't have to see these people again.

The next few years of my youth are a blur of struggle for survival. My abuser reappeared on the scene again for a period of time but thankfully, in our last year of high school mom decided to send us to boarding school, again 3 hours away from home, because of the nightly turmoil over my step-dad's regular drunkenness. When I finished school, I wanted out, so I moved to Cape Town, to live with Mams & Paps. I can't remember the details how it happened, but I ended up teaching sewing lessons at Deo Gloria Christian School in Napier when I was 19. Due to me not having a car or license, Oom Leon & Tannie Jacobi took me into their home for about a year. Once again I was loved like their own daughter & during this time, I first gave my heart to God, was baptised & experienced deliverance from depression for the first time. I had such strong support that I was always singing joyfully. Even though my mom at that stage wanted nothing to do with me until I “changed back” to the way I ways before, & my brother started ignoring me because of stories my mom & step-mom told him, I was fairly content because I had my church family supporting me through that pain.