🎼🎶This song in my heart❤️, this song in my soul, this song I was born to sing🎤, it's Your song🎸 of freedom. Now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎵

🎶I'll sing🎤 in the darkness, I'll laugh🤣 in the rain, rejoice in Your love💞 again. It's Your song🎸 of freedom, now I'm free to dance💃 again!🎶

🎊🥳🎉

Clive & I spent some time away in New Plymouth this week, for a little bit of rest & reprieve. A whole 373km travelling, that would have taken us maybe 4 hours back in South Africa took almost 5 hours & for most of the time it was pouring with rain. By the time we got from the car into our accommodation, we were drenched.

After our committee meeting Elias challenged me to get bored enough to do some painting, reading or.... writing 📖🖊

It was just too cold to unpack my easel, but finally started working on the AFTER painting for Donal's vision from 2 years ago for which the BEFORE version has been waiting to be completed for almost 2 years. The benefit of painting digitally was that I could remain huddled under a blanket to stay warm without the risk of getting paint all over it.

On Tuesday it was still cold, rainy & windy We had breakfast at Manous Café & Restaurant. Then we took advantage of the break in rain to explore some beautiful churches until the rain returned & we went to the museum & shopping center to stay relatively dry.

I spent the evening painting & writing some more. I also ended up working on an email I was tasked on Monday but I was fretting & avoiding it.

For some reason the LIE, "I can't write!" just didn't want to budge, or so it seemed & Elias wasn't giving me an easy way out. He wants to see the UGLY.

On Wednesday it was still icy cold. After a  lazy morning, we had a lovely lunch at the Treehouse Bar & Bistro. It was cold but dry enough that we were able to take a walk along the beach at Paritutu Centenial Park.

By Wednesday evening, there was another email to type up for some new members. This time it took me about 30 minutes to type but another 2 & half hours of agonising before I sent it off for approval.

On Thursday we woke up to clear, sunny skies, but we were due to leave by 10am to head home. We managed to get a couple of snapshots along the way & got home around 4pm.

Back at work this morning I was singing & humming again.

We're currently gearing up to arrange a conference for 250 people, a responsibility that's going to be entirely on my shoulders which reminds me of a previous colleague's regular comment "Pak maar, Patrizia se skouers is breed!" (Keep packing, Patrizia has broad shoulders)

Up to now, the biggest events I've arranged entirely were our wedding & our 30th wedding anniversary dinner. During my 5 years as Moms in Action Secretary, the chairlady did all the planning, organising. I did all admin, the invitations, the tracking, helped setup the venues & followed orders.Quite honestly, a couple of weeks ago the thought of organising events scared the hell out of me and for a moment there I felt intimidation & inadequacy but the warrior in me is finally rising up to the challenge.

At least on the writing front I'm making progress. I had to do another email. Elias wanted the UGLY & this time it took maybe 20 minutes & this time there was very little anxiety around having him approve it.

What I've recognised this week is that there was still residual of that darn old fear of rejection, my voice has no value & need for approval...

I also realised that I have spent my life living in compliance, just following orders, doing as I was told & not having a voice. I don't quite know what to do with all this newly found trust in my abilities when I'm still doubting myself.

God gave me my voice back in June 2020 & now Elias is giving me opportunities to use it but I'm still unsure how to do that. I may not be the Lion, but it has fallen onto me to release His roar. Intellectually, I know my words have value because I'm a faith-filled, life-speaking, fully devoted follower of Christ that speaks encouraging, life-giving words to build others up. However there are still some areas of my little-girl heart that need evangelising.

What I've learnt this week, is that even when we've repented of our judgments& expectations & renounced the LIES we've come to believe, the enemy will continue to bring doubt to try to stop us from walking in the victory Christ has already won for us.

Just like the spirit of heaviness that still comes knocking regularly these LIES, too will have to be resisted until God helps me smash them completely. I just need to acknowledge that it's just a current belief that He will help me smash.

The question, "Did God really say...?" Started in the garden of Eden but will continue haunting us until Christ returns in glory & splendour.

Our old sinful habits won't die easily & the new ways of protecting our hearts are like muscles that need to be practiced & flexed to become stronger over time. There is no long-lasting, quick-fix to our old sinful nature. When we ask God to move a mountain we have to be prepared to wake up next to the shovel... it takes DISCIPLINE & ACCOUNTABILITY to learn to walk in new, Godly ways.

We have to continuously abide in the Vine. Without Him, we will easily succomb to the temptations to return to the familiar every time something unresolved resurfaces.  We have to see to it that we don't come short of the grace of God & that no root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:15

Yet again, knowledge will never overwrite experience & the only way to gain experience, is by getting into the water & learning to swim.

God has graciously & miraculously provided this job so I could see for myself that I am indeed CAPABLE & WORTHY. I'm also learning the skills I need for my big, hairy, audacious dream. I'm slowly starting to see the bigger vision, how God is repositioning me & adding people who are here to help. Things are slowly falling into place.

Even though it's tough at times, I am grateful that the Lord has teamed me up with a great man of faith who exemplifies ‭‭1 Peter‬ 5:3‬ to not lord it over the people assigned to their care, but lead them by their own good example. He won't give me a "get out of jail free card" but draws out the potential & holds me accountable.  He sees the glimpses of Diamonds & gold in me & is constantly challenging me to discover those God-given skills & abilities, I have have been unable to see for so long.

I'm finally learning & accepting that asking for help, even from Copilot, is not a sign of weakness, failure or even inauthenticity. I'm thankful Elias has loads of experience I can learn from, that he believes in me & that he's here to help.

It's not by power nor might, but by My Spirit, says the Lord

Once again, God has done great & wonderous things for me...

‬[11] You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, [12] that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Psalms 30:11-12 NLT

Once again, God has done great & wonderous things IN & trough me...

• 34 odd years ago, I was known at Sanlam Head Office in Bellville, Cape Town as the girl that was always walking around singing... it's been a long time, but that singing girl is resurfacing.

• He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.

• The lines have indeed fallen for me in pleasant places.

• He has set my feet to dancing & my heart rejoicing…

• I will rejoice for He has made me glad!

IN his presence, there is fulness of JOY!💃🎊🥳🎉

That joy is not dependent on our circumstances but on constantly spending time in Christ's presence & getting to know His character.

Finally, I'll leave you with these old songs that have recently resurfaced in my heart:

• Free to Dance | Christian Song

• I Am Free (Newsboys)

• The River is Here - Vineyard Music

When you call people by their NAME, you are reminding them of WHO they are & calling them forth & into who they are called to be.

This post by Ann Hamilton was quite an eye opener to me because I have despised my names for most of my life.

"The story of Michal, the daughter of Saul and wife of David, is a complex one. Like her brother Jonathan, she defends David at the risk of her own life. Saul used David's love for her to try to get him killed - he made the bride price a hundred Philistine foreskins. Despite her betrothal to David, she was given to another man in marriage and she bore him five sons - and, despite being later returned to David, she had none by him.

The critical incident that seems to be a deciding factor in this lack of children is her heart's reaction as she watched David dance before the Ark of the Covenant as it was brought into Jerusalem. Immediately after David explains himself to her, the comment is made: "And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death." (2 Samuel 6:23) This comment seems to suggest that her childlessness (obviously to David) was a direct consequence of her attitude.

A superficial reading of this Scripture would see this as a punishment from God. But a deeper reading would see this as coming from Michal herself. The name "Michal" sounds like "machol", dancing. In despising what David was doing, she despised her own identity, her own calling, her own self. She in fact hated her own name.

When we hate our own name, as I did for most of my life, we are like Michal - unable to give birth to the calling God has placed over our lives."

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare asked and then gave some bizarre answer about the properties of roses.

A name is actually how God gives us a soul (neshama). By breathing (nashamah) a name (shem) into our unformed frames.

For the Hebrews, the dawn was the only way to describe the creation of a soul. Shakespeare wasn't the only one to get it wrong. Our souls are radiant like the sun (shemesh — 'name fire'), as brilliant and fire-forged as meteorites. They were not — as the Greeks thought — as fragile as butterflies.

Over the past 3 years, the Lord has been speaking to me about names consistently & often but I've been a little slow on the uptake to claim my name back so these are the only names I'll respond to henceforth…

This is WHO I am:

PATRIZIA

• Language/Cultural Origin: Latin

• Inherent Meaning: Noble

• Spiritual Connotation: Victorious

• Scripture: Romans 8:37 NKJV Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

ELISABETH

• Language/Cultural Origin: Hebrew

• Inherent Meaning: Oath of God

• Spiritual Connotation: Consecrated

• Scripture: Romans 6:23 NKJV But the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

TRIXI

• Language/Cultural Origin: American

• Inherent Meaning: Bringer of Joy

• Spiritual Connotation: Peaceful

• Scripture: Psalm 46:4 NASB There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy dwelling places of the Most High.

As a post abortion baby, with the spirit of death wrapped around me since conception, I was incubated in fear, shame & survival guilt. I was born believing I'm a mistake, I shouldn't be here, I have to earn my keep & prove myself worthy of love resulting in a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts. I've spent my life trying to be what I thought others expected & striving to be what God already created me to be but for now, I'm learning to live from the heart that Jesus gave me...

God exchanges our ashes for beauty & you will most often find that your biggest challenges will become your biggest area of ministry. Our scars tell a story that turn our ashes to glory & enables us to bring help & hope to those who are still in the ashes.

After 3 days of overthinking, I had a hard time getting to sleep on Saturday night with the heavy burden of needing to ask forgiveness for my sinful response of withdrawal on Thursday, but it was just too late to send a message. I messaged first thing in the morning to ask for forgiveness for shutting him out when he came to draw me out of hiding on Thursday morning & received this reply...

They say that a diamond is made by taking carbon and putting it under immense pressure... To find gold, you have to sift a lot of dirt... I see glimpses of diamonds and gold in you. You will discover it soon enough for yourself.

I asked Copilot to help me create this image & then it suggested this poem...

In the heart of the earth, 'neath a weight that's immense,

Carbon whispers to darkness, its tale so intense.

A story of pressure, of heat, and of time,

Transforming to diamonds, pure and sublime.

Through layers of rock, in the cradle of deep,

The carbon endures, as eons creep.

A forceful embrace that's both trial and treasure,

Crafting a gem of immeasurable measure.

And in the river's rush, where waters flow bold,

Miners seek whispers of glimmers of gold.

Sifting through silt, through the mundane they delve,

For a flash of the precious, a piece of themselves.

So too, within you, there lies a bright spark,

A potential so vast, it outshines the dark.

With pressure your ally, and time as your friend,

You'll uncover the treasures that wait in the end.

For you are the diamond, resilient and rare,

And within your spirit, there's gold to declare.

Just give it the moment, the patience, the due,

And soon enough, you'll discover the true you.

Then the Lord reminded me of this vision Joy had during my small group prayer ministry session at Elijah House C-School in April 2022…

I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful.

"Well done good & faithful servant"

I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you.

I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special.

Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond.

So precious...

And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became...

a real, true treasure!!!

I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away.

For someone who's always struggled to hear God speak, He's been speaking to me so loud & clear since my prayer ministry with Peter & Cheree 2 weeks ago when we dealt with my judgement & expectation of dad being cold, distant & silent.

That's a beautiful vision!

What does it mean to you?

The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity.

The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose.

The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths.

The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality.

It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it.

In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟

It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨

I stumbled across this post on my LinkedIn feed this morning & it seriously rattled my cage ...😢🤔

Over the years I've had some very strong foundational lies in the area of things I believed I can't do:

1. I can't sing!

2. I can't dance!

3. I can't draw!

4. I can't paint!

5. I can't write!

6. I can't teach!

7. I can't speak publicly!

The first 4 have been resolved since I've embarked on my healing journey, leaving me with numbers 3 to 7 yet to be resolved.

Decades ago, as a teen, I used to write poetry when things were tough, but for some reason, I just stopped & my brother has been trying to encourage me over the last few years to try again, but at most I've managed 2 lines & then came up empty...

I can't even remember how many times I've been told to write a book after sharing my testimony, but here I'm still captive in the LIE that " I can't write!"

Later, at the office, I was typing up an acknowledgement email for the National Award Submissions, Elias had asked me to send. He wanted me to make it more personal but I kind of freaked out inwardly & heard myself say "but I can't write" to which he replied, "stop it, or I'll bury you alive in a box!" I haven't heard that one in a few weeks, but then I haven't been beating myself up as much as I used to when I first started working with him. (Watch "Stop It!!!" for context) He also said, he knew I had it in me & challenged me to have it done before I left to take Misha to the optometrist. Later when I took my email for him to check, he told me a story & ended with: "Before I read this, is this the best you can do?" to which I replied, "I think so. " Well, he approved it, but I was in turmoil yet again.

He came out of his office later asking why I was suddenly so quiet. Apparently, he had noticed, I've always been singing or humming whilst working. I deflected, blaming it on focusing on what I was doing & not having my headphones with music in but as I was journaling, I realised that wasn't quite true... I felt like a dear in the headlights & was wrestling with the inner turmoil & too ashamed to admit I was struggling.😞 Eish, I realise now I was hiding but when Elias came to find me, I pushed him away🤦‍♀️😢 & for that I've had to ask for forgiveness.

Sandra teaches, when we step on someone's toes, we must apologise but when we hurt their hearts we must repent & ask for forgiveness to restore trust & relationship... shutting people out who care enough to help will hurt their heart.💔

Well, apparently God's still not finished with me yet 🤔 & the foundational LIE "I can't write…!" seems to be next in line for uprooting once wounding, judgments, expectations & inner vows have been discovered.

It took 3 days before I was able to tell Clive what I'm dealing with & now, he's threatening to tell my boss on me 😂because I've been beating myself up for days🤦‍♀️Apparently the boss knows a little bit about boxes 📦🤪 I just hope he also knows how to find people that run & hide in boxes.

Wait, there's more... Yet another unbelieving area of my heart that needs to be transformed. I was hoping  for a breather before the next uproot but apparently Holy Spirit has other plans.

I'm bracing myself for another fireball of cleansing as He helps me dig up the judgments, expectations & inner vows behind this LIE still holding me hostage.

I guess the rapid succession of uprooting this year means there's an assignment waiting that needs me to be FREE.

This is where I'll be writing it UGLY for now: This is my Story

For the past 2 years, I've been stuck on completing this painting based on a vision, my friend, Donal, saw after praying for me at Lifeboat in March 2022.

"I saw you in a bird cage. A lion surrounding the cage protecting you. He roared to chase away the predators. Then he lifted the cage to set you free & roared."

2 Weeks ago Elias helped me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.

My life experiences had taught me that successful leadership came with collateral damage & at the cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. I had judged caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if leadership hurts others, I didn’t want it. My success at the cost of others... 🤔 that to me spelt failure...

After all, people are my priority & healing 💔hearts, NOT breaking them is my purpose. Hence I've spent my life captive between the fear of success & the fear of failure.

That just reminded me of these definitions Sandra gave in the lesson on the trauma of neglect:

• LOVE = meeting YOUR needs at MY expense

• LUST = meeting MY needs at YOUR expense

Which will you choose?🤔

God is LOVE, & He has commanded us to love so for me that's always been the only option.

It's been 2 years since I started this unfinished painting but I have since decided it needs an AFTER version & am slowly starting to envision the after painting in my mind's eye...

This morning I was looking for some images to help me paint the after of that vision when I stumbled on this message by Dr Myles Munroe.

WoW, God's timing is absolutely impeccable. It's all starting to make sense now. The lifelong  assignment of trauma as well as why the lion & eagle have been so prominent in words & visions I've received during prayer since I started my journey of sanctification & transformation in April 2020.

I was born with a purpose:

• to take God's healing to the nations (Isaiah 61:1-4 & Luke 4:18),

• to be a pioneer and a visionary

• to encourage & inspire others

but all of these require me to be a LEADER.

"Leadership can walk into a camp of depressed people. And in 20 minutes, they have turned on into unbelievable, powerful armies. Because leadership determines everything." Dr Myles Munroe

That's exactly what Elias has done for me in the 8 weeks I've worked with him. As a man of faith, honour & integrity, living a relational, servanthood leadership style, gently leading by example & drawing out the best in people, he has changed my perspective & experience of leadership.

Now that's the kind of leadership I would aspire to. Just think for a moment, how different & peaceful our workplaces would be if every manager & leader led this way. That's the kind of leader I want to become, but I still have much to learn.

In November 2019 God gave me an overwhelming vision. Healing 💔heARTs 💕 community paint parties & Encounter Elijah House groups are just 2 small parts of it. This requires LEADERSHIP. Now I'm trusting God for the capacity, skills, resources & people to help me get it off the ground. The world needs us to step up & step out into our callings so God can be glorified.

So today, Lord, I repent for my rebellion & unwillingness to fully become what You have called me to be. Please forgive me & give me the courage & confidence to keep my heart open even when it hurts, to be vulnerable even with the risk of rejection l, to show kindness, grace & compassion even when it's not reciprocated & to love unconditionally, beyond measure like You have done for me. Would You increase my capacity & give me the ability to do Your good pleasure.

We are NOT the Lion, but it has fallen to us to release the Lion's ROAR!!! - Winston Churchill

Here's what I HEARD after I came down for coffee snuggle time with the Lord this morning...

My daughter, my friend.

I'm so glad you're hearing this. I love you, my child. I’ve always loved you & I’ve been waiting for you to run to Me, to make Me your refuge from the storms.

I was right there, with you in those darkest moments, longing to hold you when you shut me out because of wounding caused by those who have misrepresented Me. I was longing to comfort you & be your friend. I've been waiting for you to hear the quiet whisper of My voice.

If you would but trust Me, I will lift you up higher, far above all you could ever imagine hope, or dream. You will rise up on wings like eagles. You will run & not grow weary. You will walk & not faint.

Again you're thinking: "What did I do to deserve this?" but I want you to know that you don't need to do anything to deserve My love. I love you regardless of anything you did or didn't do. You are My child, a human BEING not a human doing. I love you because of who you ARE irrespective of what you do. Even when you were covered with "bad & dirty", I loved you still.

I called you by name, Patrizia. I formed & fashioned you in your mother’s womb. In the crushing I have prepared you to shine My light in the darkness, to bring hope to the hopeless & comfort to the weary as I have comforted you.

Take My healing to the nations. Trust in Me, I have given you EVERYTHING you need. I have QUALIFIED you through the training of experience.

You will run & not grow weary as you remain in My presence & draw from the Vine. Abide in Me & I will show you deep & marvellous things. I will train your hands to war & I will show you the way to go. I will never leave you, nor forsake you, you need only be still & learn from Me. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace as you rest in My presence. My yoke is easy & my burden is light. Allow Me to show you which burdens are NOT yours to carry.

You are my precious daughter. I love you with an everlasting love. You are Mine!

Today I'm totally overwhelmed with joy because of the goodness & kindness of the Lord. 😊

This is a follow-up post of my previous post, Leading from the Stop & the testimony of the process to my breakthrough after being unravelled by reading "Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things:

1. You’re not in trouble

2. We believe in you

3. We’re here to help"

in Elias' book, Leading from the Stop, which felt like God was speaking to me directly.

Some more fruit, I've recognised were:

• Apprehension towards men & people in authority.

• Refusal to become a teacher & leader.

• Why can I believe God would come through for others, but not for myself?

Whilst working through my recognition worksheet to get to the root of my inability to receive these statements I had yearned to hear all my life, the Holy Spirit resurfaced many painful memories that I had habitually buried to numb my pain.

When I was 7, we were living on the plot (small holding) in Vanderbijlpark. At the time both mom & dad were barely home & when they were, they were emotionally unavailable. Mom was working at the Holiday Inn, often sleeping out & dad would go straight to the pub after work & get home drunk in the wee hours of the night. Stefan & I would be home alone.

They had a new bed with a built-in radio & a sleep timer. I was afraid of the dark & would hear all kinds of strange noises whilst waiting to fall asleep at night so before I went to bed, I would switch their radio on & set the timer for an hour to drown out the noise. Even the ruffling of the wind would often send shivers down my spine & occasionally, still does.

Since I started school, my brother, Stefan & I were always in the same class, although he was 14 months older than I. In one of our many primary schools we had a maths teacher who would pit us against each other. She would threaten to punish the one with the lowest grades, which of course would always be me because Ouboet was a math whizz. Her punishments were severe. She would often stand behind us whilst we’re working & if we made a mistake, grab us by the hair & twist it.

This experience would come back to haunt me in high school when I was struggling to keep up with the higher-grade maths in Standard 8 because our ex-university tutor teacher got angry & verbally abusive whenever we didn't understand what she explained the first-time round. I eventually stopped asking & then the next year dropped down to standard grade because I just couldn't cope & had vowed never to ask for help or be needy. That failure of course brought with it a great sense of shame.

When I was my first year of high school, I was sitting at my desk doing homework one day when mom got angry at me for something & just came up behind me & slapped me against the head.

Then, one day mom came home & announced that she had decided to ship us off to the German boarding school in Lüneburg, 4 & half hours away from home, supposedly because we were losing our ability to speak the language, not that anyone ever had conversations with us in any language, I might add. One of my biggest struggles to this day, is having those open, honest conversations to translate what’s going on in my heart for people to understand where I’m at & what's going on in my heart. The silence in my life has often been deafening & overwhelming. I felt rejected, abandoned & unwanted most of my life.

This also meant changing schools yet again this being number 5 since I started school just days before I turned 6. Once again, I was the “new kid on the block” trying to fit into an environment that seemed cold & heartless. There was a strict routine & rigid discipline when we stepped out of line. The school, Catholic church & the parsonage were all on the same property as the boarding house. We’d have to be up & ready very early in the morning  for Bible study before breakfast, that being the first time in my life except for when I was christened, as a baby that I’d ever set a foot in church.

For the first few months, I would get "home" from school every day to find the contents of my cupboard strewn on the floor by the house mistress because it wasn’t packed neat & tidy enough. I would have to re-pack it before I could go out to play with the other kids but by the time I was done, I’d just resort to sitting alone on my bed, waiting for the next bell to ring in study hour or the next meal or activity since I decided very early in life, that friendships don’t last, so I would just remain on the outside looking in. This would have been where my OCD with neat & tidy started because I decided to “be perfect” and perform just to not get in trouble. The other kids would tease me for having to constantly re-pack my cupboard so I decided if I complied & worked to perfection, I wouldn’t stand out or be seen to be teased for getting it wrong.

When I was about 13, I was molested by a drunk family friend who had come to visit.

Over the years, I became a master of packing everything all into perfectly tidy little heaps & that obsession eventually morphed into packing my kitchen cupboards, tins all having to face the same way, same with cups. It even surfaced when packing up for a move. By the time I was 18, I had packing boxes down to such a skill that you could fall with a crockery box without having anything break. I kid you not, but by that time I stopped counting at 30 house moves excluding the stints to boarding school. Looking back now, I realise that I’ve done the same packing in boxes with my emotions.

For decades I would get annoyed inwardly when Clive, the kids & the domestic worker couldn’t keep the kitchen cupboards neat & tidy until I finally just gave up on it. Today I see that same need for having it all tidy in my boys, especially my eldest, who was subjected to my OCD for longer. I kind of eased off a bit when Misha was born because he was like a whirlwind & there just wasn’t any way I could keep up the tidy little boxes, because he’d throw things out of the cupboards just to climb in there.

Every so often when I was upset, I would go on a cleaning spree to suppress the anger with perfection in the home. Jesse once told me they were afraid of me when I was angry, although I don’t remember ever lashing out at them when they were little but I did start to loose control after moving to New Zealand. When I had my breakdown in 2018, I flopped & swung the other way so now I’m struggling to keep things neat & tidy.

I'm not sure exactly what drove my striving for perfection with  schoolwork. I always worked hard for good grades (80%+) but never received any acknowledgement from mom or dad. Even teachers would constantly remark that "I could do better than that.". I suspect it was my vow to prove myself good enough & worthy. I'm reminded of a day in high school when I asked to attend athletic meet, after I got second place in hurdles but mom said no because I didn't get first place.

In April 1996, there was my 40-year old spinster office manager, Prue, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job I admitting we weren't planning having children yet during my job interview.  However, 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM.

After losing my baby, she told me to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. This was when the imposter syndrome was solidified in my heart. Her attitude as well as the lack of support from family & friends were the reason why 3 subsequent pregnancies & miscarriages remained unannounced & ungrieved.

For some obscure reason, Prue didn't like me, although my boss, Trevor did and for the next few months I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. One evening Clive got home from work & found me on the floor, crying my heart out because of her treatment that day. He phoned her but that didn't end well & resulted in even more bullying & pressure to perform. By the time I found out in early November that I was pregnant again, she had finally convinced Trevor to start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.

In my last job as IT & Office Administrator, as a half day employee I was constantly taking work home, because over the years as people left, my boss refused to replace them & I ended up picking up the slack. So many times, he would tell me to do something without giving the parameters & then when I completed the job, he would criticise what was wrong with it. The stress was affecting my health & he would often hover behind me criticising everything I was doing, even though in the 5 years I was doing the job I have proven to be right with what I was doing so many times. To this very day, having someone hover over my shoulder whilst I work brings up a tension that makes it hard for me to focus on the task at hand. After I left he employed 3 full-time employees to do the jobs I was doing in half a day.

During the course of my childhood made some very powerful judgements. I judged:

• mom & dad for not having time for me & caring about me

• mom for being unfaithful & critical

• mom & dad for being cold, distant, unloving, emotionally absent & misrepresenting God

• anger as violent & scary

• men as abusive

• men can’t be trusted

• men as unsafe

• I can’t be trusted

• caregivers won’t protect me

• people in authority are mean & can't be trusted

• drunkards are violent & abusive

• That leadership came with collateral damage of people being wounded as leaders progressed up the ladder of success. If that’s leadership, I didn't want it.

• Wounding others as failure.

• Prue as mean & heartless

• My judgments didn't stay in tidy little boxes but morphed & mutated to all people in authority that are meant to love, nurture, lead, guide & protect me

When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do those very things & hence I became like what I judged:

• As a post-abortion baby, I was incubated in fear & I judged the world as unsafe.

• I stopped being a daughter even before birth & shut mom & dad out before they could even try to love me or make amends for the oh no I heard in the womb

• I refused to trust

• I refused relationship

• I threw myself away because I felt I wasn't worth anything

• Kept people at a distance & shut them out

• I became cold, distant & emotionally absent towards Clive & our boys

• My boys were afraid of me when my suppressed anger erupted & even though showered them with love & affection, I was emotionally absent for them & didn't know how to have deep conversations

Because of my bitter root judgments, I came to expect that:

• Rejection & abandonment is part of life

• Caregivers won’t protect me

• Men will abuse me

• I must perform to be worthy

• Leaders are verbally abusive & uncaring

• Everyone will blame & criticise me

• Nobody will believe me

• Nobody will help me

• I will always be alone

I tried to 'protect my heart with the inner vows:

• I must protect myself

• I must prove myself worthy

• I won’t show them I’m vulnerable

• I’ll be strong

• I won’t trust

• I won’t cry

• I’ll defend myself

• I’ll take care of myself

• I won’t depend on anybody

• I won’t need anybody

• I’ll be FINE!

• I won't get angry

I kept these vows in place with were the habitual ways of:

• Hardening my heart

• Isolation

• Independence

• Rejecting others before they could reject me

• Self-sabotage

• Dissociation

I came to believe the LIES that

• I’m a mistake

• I shouldn't be here

• I'm bad & dirty

• I can’t do anything right

• Everything’s my fault

• I can’t be trusted

• I’m worthless

• I’m a coward for not standing up for myself

• Molestation is not rape, thus not sexual abuse.

• Others may have been abused because I remained silent.

• It’s not so bad, others have it worse

• I have to help myself

I used:

• Anxious eating

• Performance

• People pleasing

• Workaholism

• Perfectionism

• Peace keeping

• Busyness

• Burying memories

• Numbing pain

• Numb scrolling

rather than seeking comfort & protection with the Lord, to medicate & numb my pain.

I opened the door to the force of darkness through my sin when I came into agreement with spirit of death through performance, self-hatred as well as believing the lies that I was a mistake & I shouldn't be here.

Due to all the wounding caused by parents, teachers, caregivers, bosses & leaders I judged, came to expect, vowed & came to believe the LIES that I'm to blame for everything that's wrong, nobody believes in me & nobody would help me.

I spent my life captive between the fear of failure & the fear of success. Life experiences had taught me that success came at cost of people being trampled on, side-lined & wounded. That to me spelled  failure.

I had judged carers, authority & leaders as uncaring, cruel & heartless & decided if that's what leadership looked like, I didn’t want it.

Our judgements, expectations, inner vows & foundational lies make parts of our heart inaccessible to God's healing touch.

It took a few weeks to dig deeper to get to the roots, but by Friday morning last week, I was  besides myself with the weight & shame of my sinful responses. I desperately needed someone to hear my confessions & repentance so I could break free from the captivity & couldn't bear the thought of having to wait for a prayer minister to be available to help me pray through it all.

Scripture teaches us to "Therefore, confess your sins to one another [your false steps, your offenses], and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The heartfelt and persistent prayer of a righteous man (believer) is able to accomplish much [when put into action and made effective by God—it is dynamic and can have tremendous power]." James 5:16 AMP

I was due for a meeting Elias so I dashed into the office early. Fortunately he was willing to help me pray through the confession & repentance of my sinful responses to all trauma caused by abusers, caregivers, teachers, authority, bosses & leaders in general.

This is the other Scripture Elias scribbled in the front of the book he gave me to read last week.

I've come a long way, but anxiety is onte of those things I'm still working on...

This is one of the Scriptures scribbled into the book I was given last week & I can absolutely see how God's been doing exactly that, providing exceedingly abundantly far above anything I've asked for.

‭‭Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV‬

[20] Now to Him who is able to do EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, [21] to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Never in a million years would I have applied for the job I have now. I would have self-sabotaged because I had come to believe that I was not capable BUT God...

I've waited 54 years to hear "You're not in trouble, I believe in you, I'm here to help" worked my butt off trying to achieve the best for a "well done!".

Be careful what you ask for... I asked for experiences to overwrite the bad ones I was stuck in, after all I had come to believe I was incapable of handling the pressure af a secular job again & He obliged although I didn't realise work experiences counted too...

Thank you Lord, for Your love & favour.

I was gifted this book at work yesterday in the hopes that it would help me on my healing journey after being unravelled by the statement:

"We only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’. And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember three things: 

1. You’re not in trouble 

2. We believe in you 

3. We’re here to help in his book, Leading from the Stop on the weekend. 

That makes this book number 3 since Slavery to Sonship in November that I've read in a day. I just couldn't put it down & even bought the Kindle version so I could cobtinue reading in bed😱 until I eventually had to force myself to put it down after 12am just to pick it up again at 5h30. 

It had Holy Spirit all over it AGAIN!. WoW!!! 

Once again, I was undone😭 & in awe🤣🎶💃...

• highly favoured, • annointed, • worthy, • valued, • loved, • noble,  • beautiful & • capable... I heard Him say. 

Yes, it's time to put to death ALL the given names & labels        

• Trixi (bringer of joy) • Unplanned • Imposter • Nazi • Stupid • Weirdo • Pat • Trish • Patrys (partridge) • Pattat (sweet potato) • Heksie (witch) • Teacher's Pet  • & many more that I've conveniently "forgotten" (the list is long) so Patrizia (of noble birth) can emerge in her full force & potential, although I think 🤔 we can keep Trixi after all she's hidden in PaTRIXIa... & bringing joy is a tool for my purpose of healing hearts. 

I see the light at the end of the tunnel & it spells FREEDOM from the cage of LIES that have held me hostage all my life. Oh my the unmerited FAVOUR of God to have blessed me so abundantly with a job I wasn't even looking for so He could bring new experiences to bring healing in relation to work & authority.🤔 

For the first time in my life, I'm experiencing real joy, even this is a fiery season of testing & pruning. My cup runneth over. That's all I'm able to express right now, so ya'all have to wait for me to "paper" process it all to get the rest of this story. 

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.

I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔

Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.

Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.

Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)

My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again.

Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.

I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

Maybe  it’s because leadership has shifted its focus from people to production; we’re  in such a hurry to get things done that we neglect the very people who  accomplish the things we need done.

- Marc  Cole

This wasn't part of my weekend plan but fancy that... me reading a  book on servanthood leadership, another one of my strengths  that's been twisted through wounding... who would have thought someone who  spent her life shying away & lurking in the shadows serving &  following, would even look at a book on leadership.🤔

In 3 decades of struggling to finish reading books, I haven't  finished a book in a day since last year's "Slavery to Sonship" but  this one too has left me with many thoughts to ponder🤔

Where do I go from here, I wonder? 🤔

Wait,  there's more, I hear the Lord say as He's just last week brought healing to a  major job-related wounding from 28 years ago that had remained buried &  unresolved.

From my  Elijah House training: "Pain that's buried alive stays alive & will  morph & mutate until it finally comes out sideways. Those who suppress  emotions / don't express it will eventually explode like a volcano."

It's  clear, God is not finished with me yet.

"We  only have one life here on earth. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. Use this time  wisely. Another crisis will befall you. It’s not a case of ‘if’, but ‘when’.  And when your world seems to come crashing down to an absolute halt, remember  three things:

1)  You’re not in trouble

2) We  believe in you

3) We’re  here to help"

~ Elias  Kanaris

Whenever my world came crashing down I felt completely & utterly alone. That's been my experience & I've been praying the Lord will replace my experience. He's been graciously bringing along opportunities for new experiences in other areas & praying that if & when my world crumbles again I will have a community to pick me up & help gather the pieces. Dare I hope for a light at the end of this tunnel, that's not a train coming right at me?🤔 This may just be the backbone that's been holding all my strongholds together.

It's time to deal with all the LIES I've come to believe that are opposing these 3 profound statements my heart's been yearning to hear all my life,😭😢 time to allow myself to grieve the neglect, loss of childhood, innocence & the memory that never was, the rejections, abandonments & betrayals, the abuse, I hear Him say.

Although I've dealt with many of the sinful responsesI've never allowed myself to grieve fully. I was hoping to be done after crying for days... but apparently not... bracing myself for another group session at the moment.

It's time to learn to trust & to allow others to help rebuild & fill up those shelves for all the areas where there's been unfulfilled need. It's time to allow others to do for me what I do so generously for them.

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...

• a woman of Excellence but spent my life performing for perfection

• a woman of Worth but spent my life feeling I had to "earn my keep" to be valued

• a Peacemaker but spent my life in compliance to keep the peace

• a Pioneer but spent my life hiding & invisible

• an Overcomer but spent my life feeling like a victim

• a Warrior but spent my life worrying

• a Loyal Friend

• a Cheerleader

• a Faithful Servant

• a Mother, both physically & spiritually

& dare I say it?🤔

• a Teacher but refused that because that would make fortune-teller's predictions come true

• a Leader but spent my life following in compliance

There, I finally acknowledged these 2 that I've been running from all my life.

but first & foremost

• a Daughter but spent my life feeling like a slave

That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

I may  need to come back to read this book again & work through the reflection questions.

I'm overwhelmed by all the support I've had this week, since Sandra's phone call on Monday, when she offered be my "Ousus" because she's merely 14 years my senior but back then in my first job I saw her as a mother because that's what I needed most at the time. My boss, who believes in me, even though I don't yet.

I was supposed to do prayer ministry for my friend in New Lynn on Tuesday but she felt the weight of my pain & ended up just loving on me so we just went out for lunch instead. When I drove home, I felt I had failed but she messaged me later just to say that loving on me was so healing for her, go figure... 🤔

Then yesterday, I got to church for worship prayer dance with Rose. I made it through the Anthem, I speak Jesus, but when we got to You Still Reign & You're still God I was flat on the floor crying for an hour & Rose was loving on me.

Afterward I shared with Pastor David & promptly received some prayer.

Morning encounter group also took a turn. I've heard this soaking prayer so many times, but this time I was totally unravelled & Ester, who I usually minister to, did all the loving. For the first time in my life, I've allowed myself to just cry it all out. (B.t.w. my first inner vow that I had to break was "I won't cry" because as a 3-year old mom had shoved my head under cold water to stop me crying, apparently there was still residue of that.)

My usual 12 people evening group was down to 4 on Wednesday night. We had the same soaking prayer as in the morning but this time there were no tears, just gratefulness. I got home early & was in bed by 10 with David Tensen soaking prayers in my earphones. I'm feeling so much better this morning & braver to embrace the fireball of cleansing that lies ahead.

I've finally allowed myself to take the time to grieve 54 years worth of losses, cry my cries & scream my screams. The pain finally outweighs the shame & it's time to get to the root & lay an axe so they too, can be put to effective death at the Cross so I can get free from this paralyzing fear of failure as well as success to bring them to death at the cross. Having used memory suppression as a habit to protect my heart, means I have few memories except what the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface, so that will require asking for help once again. 

Knowledge will never override experience & this is where He changes my experiences & I get to prove to myself (not others) that I can still do this so I can finally put to death the imposter syndrome & learn to believe in me as much as others do so I see in me what others see & also so I can finally move further than just community paint parties & encounter groups to do all that He's called me to. Thank you for the opportunity.

I seem to have lost my ability to just put on that brave, "I'm FINE" face & soldier on as I used to but somehow, being real is becoming easier. I don't want to be Mrs "Fix It" anymore. I just want to be ME.

"Jesus take the wheel!" as I work my way through another  recognition worksheet, then my friend Ester & I may need to go both ways with our confession  & repentance time on Wednesdays to lay the axe to all the roots that are  coming up hard & fast right now.🤔

Maybe  it’s time to dust off that big hairy vision from 5 years ago & check what  else is in my hands to get it off the ground.

Testing  & pruning... Lord, chip away from me everything that doesn't bring You glory.

Wait for it, testimony to follow as soon as I've processed all of this...