This week we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.
Please bear with me, I wanted to keep this short but today's the culmination of a decades long wrestle with God & myself.
When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. However, the Lord uses all things for good & in His great mercy had allowed my structures to be overwhelmed so He could set me on my healing journey & then He "stumbled" me across Elijah House prayer ministries webinars 2 years ago & for the past year the Elijah house tribe has been loving me back to life. With every school I realised just how much I've failed you & our boys over the years. When I told you about the prompting on my way to C-School in July, I still thought it was crazy but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry.
EH taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again. We make judgements of people & subsequently inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. This sets up for a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown. Marriage & children produce the fertile ground for these seeds to germinate & I was in for some serious reaping for all the judgements & vows I had made even before birth.
I also learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. I had hardened my heart. I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows had set me up for some serious reaping. I can write a book about all the moments in sessions, when I would think "oh crap, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I've dealt with.
I dishonoured God by turning from life in the womb, hating myself or the girl He created me to be, not believing His truth about me & not being authentic to name just a few aspects of dishonour.
I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty, under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was actually a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch as a pre-teen & I was loosing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen or noticed.
I apologise to you, our boys as well as family & friends who have been on the receiving end of my withdrawals & outbursts. Please forgive me for building strongholds of self-protection, dishonouring you by not being authentic, shutting you out emotionally & living a lie of being FINE when in fact, I wasn't. You have my permission henceforth to hold me accountable when you notice me being tempted to slip back into my old familiar ways.
Thank you, Schatzi, for all you've done for me & our family these past 30 years & for not bailing on me when I started bleeding all over you & our precious boys & for all the times you came to find me when I ran out, leaving you stressed & anxiously searching the neighbourhood often in the dark. I'm sorry for all the stress & anxiety I caused you.
Thank for always confirming God's truths about me even when I struggle to believe it myself & for your continuous support & encouragement as I step out of my comfort zone to become who I was created to be & walk into God's purpose for my life.
You love me & complete me in ways I never knew possible & for that I thank you.
When I finally fessed up & told you about Sandra's word 2 years ago to invest in myself, you embraced the opportunity & invested to help me embrace the girly me .
In front of all these witnesses, I acknowledge that I have failed & dishonoured you in so many ways & for that I apologise but I promise to continue to pursue my healing & do better as I continue to learn new ways of guarding my heart & being a woman of excellence.
I will listen to you and learn from you, support you, ask for help when needed and accept your support.
I will celebrate your successes and mourn your losses as though they were my own.
I will love you, risk being vulnerable & rejoice in your love for me for all of the years of our lives.
As we continue our healing journeys, I promise to be your navigator, best friend, and wife.
I promise to honour, love, and cherish you through all life's adventures still to come.
May today be a fresh start & may the Lord be 3rd string in our chord. I pray that He will help us right all the wrongs, deal with the suppressed emotions & traumas as well as uproot all the remaining bad fruit in our lives & learn new, Godly ways to protect our hearts.
I know that in my own strength I am incapable to do all these things but pray that the Lord will give me the strength & ability to make things right so I can grow more & more into His image.
May the fruit of love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness grow ever more evident in our lives.
May we become pure & holy vessels that He can use to bring the same comfort, healing & restoration we have received to our sphere of influence.
May our lives may become a testimony to God’s love & ability to heal & restore even the most broken of lives. May He restore to us the years the locusts have stolen.
Wherever we go, we'll go together & serve the Lord.
As a reminder I want to share this video memory which still rings true after all these years.
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