Prudence

I received an email in my work mailbox that was addressed to Prue, a name I hadn't heard, mentioned, or even thought of in about 28 years.

Coincidentally that's the name of my then 40-year old spinster office manager, who was very angry because I was pregnant 6 weeks into my new job because during my interview, I admitted we weren't planning having children yet. But then I found out I was pregnant right after getting back from unpaid leave for a wedding in Cape Town. One week later I left the office unattended due to being hospitalised for 3 days because of an ectopic pregnancy, whilst she & the Regional Manager attended the RGM. Oh boy did I ever hear the end of that. How dare I have ended up in hospital when I was to man the office!

After losing my baby, I was told to "get over it because 6 weeks pregnant wasn't even pregnant". That's when my high functioning depression started to crack. I ended up on anti-depressants & the more I tried to be perfect & not make mistakes the more I set myself up for failure. One day Clive found me crying on the floor when he got home & phoned her. Fatal mistake, things got even worse for me after that. I thought I'd dealt with the "I can't make mistakes." vow but here's another root to it that needs to be axed. And this could possibly be where "imposter syndrome" was solidified.

So much so, that 7 months later she insisted the boss start disciplinary action upon which Clive instructed me to resign because, by then I was pregnant with Jesse & he wasn't going to allow the work stress to endanger my pregnancy.

Fortunately my boss accepted my resignation & was kind enough to send me home immediately with full pay for the rest of the month.

This "get over it" attitude from many was the reason why I never announced a pregnancy again until well after 12 weeks gestation & hence 3 more miscarriages have been buried so deep & unannounced. For decades nobody knew anything about my loss & grief.

Once again, Holy Spirit has brought something up to the surface so we can lay the axe to the root. Time for the digger to get to my sinful responses, Bitter-Root Judgments, Expectancies, Inner Vows & lies I've come to believe through this experience.

I'm grateful for my tribe who have my back through intercession whilst I work through this.

The week that followed, became quite emotional for me since receiving that email. But as I always tell my Encounter group attendees to do, I took the time to work through the recognition worksheet & discovered a bunch of judgments, expectations & inner vows I  made.

I was devastated, disappointed, angry, felt betrayed, rejected & abandoned. There was no way express how i felt  because I didn't have a supportive family structure &  emotional support was non-existing.

I judged her as mean, heartless, she didn’t care. I judged management as selfish & unsupportive. I concluded that bosses don’t care about employee's personal needs.

Kingdom is a culture of courtesy, honour & respect, but I dishonoured her by withdrawing, rejecting her, hating her & nicknaming her "the prune"

I came to expect that

• There would be no emotional support for miscarriage

• Emotional “weakness” won’t be tolerated

• Managers don’t care about personal needs

• Managers will use & abuse you

• Mistakes will get you in trouble & bring on disciplinary action

I protected my heart with more inner vows:

• I'll withdraw

• I’ll hide

• I’ll be “FINE” even when I'm not

• I’ll be strong

• I won’t cry

• I’ll take care of myself

• I won’t show my feelings

• I’ll bury the pain

• I won’t talk about it

• I will prove my worth through performance

• I won't be vulnerable

• I'll just get the job done

• I won't make mistakes

I accomplished my vows with silence, isolation, heardening my hear, workaholism & striving for perfectionism

I came to believe that

• I'm not allowed to make mistakes

• I'm not worthy of compassion & kindness

• I'm all alone

• I can't depend on others for compassion & support

• I can't do anything right

• I'm a failure

• I can't trust anyone

• I'm not allowed to grieve

• I have to "keep it all together"

I tried to medicate my pain by burying it with busyness, religion, servitude, perfectionism, performance, "I'm F.I.N.E.!" masks. This is where the imposter syndrome became fully ingrained in my being.

Clive was on sound desk on Sunday so we got to church at 8h45. As I've been doing every Sunday for the past 2 years my first stop is the lounge for pre-service prayer & worship dance. Within minutes of worship & prayer, I found myself flat on my face on the floor crying my heart out. I repented of my judgments, expectations & inner vows to bring them to death on the cross. I finally allowed myself to scream my screams, embraced my grief & losses especially those of my 4 angel babies. I invited the Father into that space of wounding so He can bring healing & now stumbling on the name, Prue has no more adverse effects on me.

I've learnt that there is grace & healing at the foot of the Cross, if only we would run to Him in our despair rather that running from Him. God won't heal what we won't acknowledge & but will graciously allow our structures to be overwhelmed so we can come to the end of ourselves where He can start His work in us.

It's our own sinful responses that keep us stuck in the trauma. We make the choise to take offense & harbour resentment & unforgiveness in our hearts. Holy Spirit will bring those sinful responses to the surface but we have to choose to forgive so that we can be set free & dismantle the structures we've built with our own habitual ways of self-soothing.

Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn’t rain, and it didn’t—not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again. James 5:16 MSG

Scripture is very clear, if we forgive, then we will be forgiven, but if we don't forgive we won't be forgiven & that's equivalent to drinking poison but expecting the other person to die.