This week I realised just how easily we get tempted to revert back to our old sinful responses when familiar feelings are triggered & we feel crushed.
As I've been processing Tuesday's meltdown, I realised it's not so much what happens to us, but how it makes us feel that trips us up & causes us to revert back to what worked before to help self-medicate the pain. I don't think it was a coincidence that Ouboet shared those painful memories I had buried, with me earlier that morning…
There's absolutely no correlation to the post-divorce experiences as a child that Ouboet shared with me & the current upheaval around having to organise a huge event that seems way beyond my abilities. However the feelings of turmoil, chaos, uncertainty, inadequacy, nervousness & being out-of-control that have resurfaced, are the same & ultimately lead to angst, overwhelm & fear of rejection, with my first response being withdrawal & trying to help myself, when in fact, these are the times I should be reaching & accepting the support that's been offered.
Deep down, there's still a little girl, believing she's too tiny to do anything about this chaos & nobody's going to be there to help me. When those triggers hit, there's no rationalising what's happening. Those responses are so deeply ingrained into the autopilot that only Holy Spirit can help us get to the root to lay an axe.
Ouboet also gave me a key to the overthinking... Whenever we had something to say, our stepdad always told us to think before we speak. Somewhere along the line we got stuck at thinking.
I was reminded of a little girl maybe, 3 or 4 years old, hiding in the closet because of the anger & chaos in the home with mom & dad fighting, that resulted in crockery being flung across the room, a memory I had doubted true for decades but was confirmed by my brother when he reached out to reconcile after ignoring me for 30 years.
And so, the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface some more fruit that's unbecoming & leads me to dig deeper in order to get to the root of that fruit, that's symptomatic from sinful responses to wounding. I know He will help me discover where in childhood, I have sown seeds of dishonour so we can lay the axe to those roots & bring freedom from the angst & overwhelm caused by change & perceived chaos.
Lord, help get to the root of my sinful responses & please also me keep my heart open, when everything inside me screams: "Shut down!"
Thank You that You have never failed me yet & that even in this turmoil of learning to feel my once buried emotions, I can know You will turn it all for good. It's all unto something.
Hebrews 12:1 NLT
[1] Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.
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