En daar tjank ek toe snot en trane want die Here gee vir my uit-skryf-werk.
Once again, God is up to something...
This morning I spent an hour pre-tracing these canvases for tomorrow's children's church paint party and then I felt prompted to do the text with sharpie so that it would still be visible after painting the heart.
What I didn't anticipate, however, was the inner turmoil that would result after having spent the last few weeks with overwhelm of out of control & chaos. Then this week I wrestled with intense feelings of being an intruder with no idea where that's coming from. 🤔
Back in the day, my stepdad used to tell us to think before we speak, every time we had something to say, but somewhere along the line I got stuck at thinking.🤔 It's amazing how much overthinking one can do whilst doing such a mundane task for 2 hours.
With each canvas, taking about 10 minutes, I felt like a schoolgirl being disciplined or corrected.
• You are loved
• You are loved
• You are loved
• …… x 18
Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out. When Clive found me crying & asked why, all that came out was: "Want die Here gee vir my uitskryf werk!" (Because the Lord gave me write-out work!) His first response was hysterical laughing, but then he noted there's been more than enough evidence that I am indeed loved very much & the reason I'm finding it so hard to accept is that I do not love myself.
I've come a long way from my intense self-hatred, believing I'm a mistake & shouldn't be here. I can tolerate the woman staring back at me from the mirror but definitely haven't arrived at loving her yet.
I've been seeing God's kindness & favour in big & small ways all over of late. Dad's "Me too!" after I plucked up the courage to tell him I love him, struck quite a nerve.
The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ THROUGH his people. I'm truly grateful for the people He has placed in my life to love me back to life. My stony heart is melting slowly with daily, intentional efforts to keep my heart open even when it hurts. However, there are still some unbelieving areas of my heart that have yet to be to be touched & overcome by the love of Christ in this journey of sanctification & transformation.
And so, thank You Lord, that You are with me in the fire & that it's all unto something. What the enemy meant for evil, You will use for good. Thank you for Your oil of joy & peace that surpasses all understanding.
And so, Father in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all fear to effective death at the Cross of Christ. Help me uproot every area of my life that is producing fruit that's unbecoming & doesn't bring You glory.
Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone. Lord, would you give me safe people that I can be open & vulnerable with.
Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace today.
Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey.
Jesus, I need more of You. And so, Lord, if there's anything obstructing or hindering that I would be with You, I give You permission today to reveal it to me. Give me the will to do Your will to do Your good pleasure today. Thank You Lord.
In Jesus's Name I pray
Amen
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