Heavenly Father

As I step into this week, I refuse to hide. No more shrinking. No more running. No more pretending to be anything less than who You created me to be.

I am chosen—not overlooked, not forgotten, not misplaced. Chosen. And because You have called me, I will no longer allow fear, doubt, or the opinions of others to keep me in the shadows.

Lord, there are times when I’ve seen myself as a grasshopper, even while You’re calling me a giant. And for the times I’ve shrunk back, stayed silent, or run from my calling—I repent. I repent for withholding my voice when You’ve asked me to speak. I repent for running from the mandate to take Your healing to the nations, to testify of Your miraculous works in my life so that others, too, may find healing and transformation.

And thank You, Lord, for working on me—shaping me—so I don’t just know I’m a giant in the Spirit, but feel it. So that when I rise to speak, the world will see the giant You created me to be, not the grasshopper I once believed I was.

You have filled my heart, You have given me a voice, and You have called me to stand. So I pray, Lord, as I step into the places You have assigned to me, that the giant within me will rise—not for my glory, but for Yours.

God, I admit there were times when hiding felt safer. When blending in seemed easier. When it felt more comfortable to dim my light than to risk being seen.

But not this week. No more...

I repent for those moments of retreat. And this is the week I step forward.

This is the week I embrace who I am.

This is the week I stop apologising for the way You set me apart.

I don’t need permission to be who You created me to be.

I don’t need validation to walk in my calling.

I don’t need approval to take up space in the places You’ve prepared for me.

I just need faith…

The kind that silences every doubt.

The kind that pushes past every insecurity.

The kind that reminds me You don’t choose people by accident.

So, I step out.

I stand tall.

I walk boldly.

I am chosen.

And I will no longer hide.

I will speak up so that Your message of healing 💔heARTs 💖 can reach the broken-hearted.

So that together, we can change the world—one 💔heart💖 at a time.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by life’s struggles and pressures, longing for a sense of peace and relaxation? I know that feeling all too well. My own journey has been one of rediscovering creativity as a powerful tool for healing my 💔heart💖. Yet, too many of us believe we are not creative at all.

For far too long, the fear of failure and rejection held me captive, ensnaring me in a cycle of procrastination that stifled my growth. Throughout my life, so many people have told me that my story — overcoming a lifelong battle with depression and suicidal thoughts — should go global and that I should write a book.

When it came to creativity, I once believed the lies: I can't sing. I can't dance. I can't draw. I can't paint. I'm not creative. But over the past six years, those lies have been dismantled — one by one — until only two remained: I can't write, and I can't speak in public!

As a teenager, I harboured dreams of becoming a singer. But at 18, a pivotal moment arrived in the form of a dream: there I was, standing on a stage, yet when I woke, a wave of doubt washed over me, convincing me that such dreams were nothing more than fanciful illusions. In that moment, I told myself it would never happen because I wasn’t good enough.

I would hide in the choir for many years before I finally made it into the worship team at our church.

Now, I’m gearing up to confront my fear of public speaking head-on over the next three days at the Speakers Institute bootcamp.

For far too long, the shadows of failure and rejection have held me captive, ensnaring me in a cycle of procrastination that has stifled my growth. I’ve come to an important realisation: if I’m genuinely going to lead Nexus Connect Community and bring my vision of a vibrant creative community centre to life, I must learn to embrace speaking to crowds with grace and confidence.

I've come to realise that if I’m truly going to lead Nexus Connect Community and bring my vision of a creative community centre to life, I need to become comfortable speaking to crowds.

Just the other day, a friend shared that he envisions me gracing the stages of stadiums. However to, reach that point, I must first embrace and overcome the challenge of speaking in front of an audience.

Yesterday was particularly overwhelming; the pressure felt tangible, almost suffocating. I spent an hour handwriting my speech off by heart. I realised it's not that I don’t know my content — it's just that elusive connection between my thoughts and my words. In that moment of anxiety, I reached out to Clive, who offered the support I desperately needed to ease my worries.

Surprisingly, I’m not in complete panic mode right now. As John Maxwell wisely teaches, nobody makes it to the top of Mt. Everest alone. With that in mind, here I stand, bracing myself for three intensive days of training. This journey is about equipping myself to step boldly into the role I’ve been called to fulfil. It’s time to banish those fears and embrace the journey ahead with an open heart.

Thank You, Lord, for calling me for such a time as this. It’s truly humbling to recognise that You have imparted everything I need for life and godliness. You don’t call the qualified; instead, You graciously qualify those who are willing to step forward and take on the journey You have laid before them.

I find tremendous comfort in knowing that my inadequacies do not define me. It’s not about being the most skilled or experienced; it’s about having the heart to say, "Yes, I’m willing." Here I am, Lord—send me.

With each new opportunity, I feel Your presence encouraging me to embrace this purpose and innate calling. I’m reminded that I’m not alone in this venture; Your strength fills the gaps where I may feel weak, and Your guidance illuminates each step on this path. I trust that as I surrender my fears and insecurities to You, You will shape me into the vessel You need me to be.

So, I step forward with faith, ready to embrace the journey ahead. Thank You for every moment, every experience, and every lesson that has brought me to this point. I’m excited to see how You will work through me, transforming challenges into triumphs as I walk in obedience, fully confident that I have been chosen for this unique purpose.

My heart aches every time I hear someone say:

• "I can't sing!"

• "I can't dance!"

• "I can't draw!"

• "I can't paint!"

• "I can't write!"

• "I can't speak!"

• "I'm not creative!"

You see, I, too, had buried my fear of failure and rejection under this mountain of LIES until the Lord took me on a journey of profound healing, restoration, and transformation.

Creativity has always been a part of who I am, but it took years for me to fully embrace it. In I'm Creative, I share my journey of rediscovering the artistic spark that had been buried under the weight of life’s responsibilities. From childhood sketches to mixed-media explorations, this is the story of how I found my way back to creativity—and how it became a powerful expression of faith, healing, and joy.

I know you said you're F.I.N.E. (okay), but truly — how are you when the day concludes and the lights dim? When the world ceases its demands, and there's no one left to persuade you that you're managing everything perfectly.

How do you feel when you're lying in bed, surrounded by the silence that knows too much? When the solitude that disregards how many people care for you sneaks in regardless. 

Do you still bear the burden of things you promised to release? The things you no longer discuss.

Do your bills acknowledge your dreams? The ones you tucked away in a drawer because the world had no room for them. Or have they also learnt to remain silent — just like you?

And your job… does it satisfy you or merely occupy the hours? Is it your passion or just enough distraction to silence the questions your heart persistently asks — the ones you can't answer?

And tell me, has anyone stayed long enough to show that not everyone departs? Or have you learnt to keep your bags ready, just in case?

How are you now that you've mastered the art of getting by but forgotten how to genuinely live?

I know you said you're F.I.N.E. (okay). But are you, truly?

The words 'I AM...' carry immense significance in shaping our identities and perceptions. Uncover the truth behind your self-statements and their impact on your personal & professional journey

I have learned to be mindful of what I attach to "I am..." in my statements.

Some of the most deeply ingrained lies we believe about ourselves are hidden within these very words.

"I AM..." is a declaration of identity—yet, all too often, we confuse our temporary emotions with who we truly are.

When we say, "I am angry, anxious, sad, sick, tired, depressed," we are unconsciously reinforcing the idea that these emotions define us. We are speaking negativity over ourselves, and over time, our bodies will manifest more of these burdens.

But there is another way.

By reframing our statements, we empower ourselves to separate our identity from our emotions. We acknowledge them for what they are—passing experiences. Saying "I feel angry, anxious, or sad" validates the emotion without allowing it to take root in our identity.

This small but powerful shift creates space for healing and growth. It helps us process our emotions while keeping our true selves intact.

Emotions are transient; they ebb and flow like the tide—they are not permanent, and they do not define us. By recognising this, we cultivate resilience, a healthier mindset, a more positive outlook on life and a greater capacity for growth.

So let’s be intentional with our words. Instead of "I am...", let’s embrace the life-giving phrase, "I feel...".

It’s a simple change, but one that can  lead to profound transformation in the way we see ourselves and navigate life’s challenges.

REMEMBER: You are not your emotions. You are so much more than that —strong, ever-evolving, and full of possibility. You are capable of navigating through life's ups and downs with grace and strength.

I'm talking to the coir as I write this. Over the past 5 years, I've confessed and repented of many foundational lies..

• I'm worthless

• I'm not good enough

• I'm ill-equipped

• I'm stupid

• I'm unloved

• I'm unwanted

• I'm not creative

• … to name just a few…

The truth is, that when God created the earth and everything on it, He said: "It is good", but after God created Adam and Eve, He said: "It is very good" (Genesis 1:31). We are beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). He loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). We are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so we would walk in them  (Ephesians 2:10). He has already given us ALL we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).

What lies have you come to believe about yourself that you need to bring to death at the cross today?🤔

In the Maxwell Growth Plan coaching John Maxwell teaches to grow yourself, you must know yourself. Well, if you asked me "Who are You" a couple of weeks ago, I would have told you I don't know. In all my life's people pleasing I had forgotten WHO I am so this journey of self-awareness as part of the course is quite difficult for me.

What I've realised whilst doing this is part of the reason I've been struggling with depression all my life is the fact that I had many expectations and inner vows preventing me from being who I was created to be. I spent my life trying to be who I perceived others wanted me to be and therefore undermining my integrity & causing a constant inner turmoil, guilt & shame for being "fake" and feeling like an imposter. I discovered that my belief that I can't be trusted is rooted in my lack of integrity towards myself. Over the years I've signed up for so many courses & activities I had planned to do to enhance my potential but then I would sacrifice that on the altar of someone else's needs being more important than mine.

God has so graciously redeemed my birthday and as I pause to reflect on the journey I’ve travelled – the mountains I’ve climbed and the valleys I’ve navigated – I see every reason to celebrate.

First of all, thank you. Each of you has contributed to my story, creating a safe space for me to heal. I wouldn’t be standing here today without your love bringing me back to life.

This year has been extraordinary — marked by growth, breakthroughs, and deep healing. It was a season when I stepped into spaces I once thought were impossible. This hasn’t been a path I’ve walked alone, and my heart overflows with gratitude for those who have stood by me, encouraged me, and lifted me along the way.

These make-shift flags have been waiting for me to make them permanent since we got back from our anniversary holiday early November last year.

By sewing my flags, I am reclaiming control of my life and making a concerted effort to revitalise the colour and vitality that has been absent.

It is high time these beauties were utilised to proclaim God's glory and colour in my life. This year, I am determined to shift from survival & procrastination mode to growth and thriving.

Watch this space become 202(5)THRIVE.

As Marc Bredenkamp used to say decades ago: "I see you somewhere in the future & you look much better than you look right now!"

With last week's office reshuffle and the little writing desk being gifted, it neccetated me working through this basket filled with paperwork to see what could be shredded and what needed filing.

My ability to organise things broke when I broke 💔, and that’s one area I haven’t been able to restore yet. The mere thought of the amount of stuff I've let slide home in that time has been overwhelming, keeping me in procrastination and stopping me from doing anything about it.

But this afternoon, when I got home from the office, I decided that this little mountain would be conquered today so I could check it off my list of procrastination items.

In the process, I stumbled across a few thank-you cards from my Encounter groups at the end of 2023...

... one of them contained $60... what a lovely surprise 😮

And then there was this little gem...

My heart still skips a beat every time I see this little munchkin... Although not by blood, for 18 months, I had the incredible privilege of being his Oma, and their departure has left a void in my heart, but in my heart, Sean will always be my grandson... I must confess, I still often wonder how he is & whether he's happy & healthy, but I no longer suppress and deny those thoughts & feelings, and they no longer bring me to tears. I pray the Lord will protect him & keep him safe.

Then there was this giant surprise...

For someone who thought she was worthless, stupid, not good enough, etc., doing a 3-month graphic design course when I was at rock-bottom and then achieving this is no small feat... I don't even remember seeing this report back then, but I can't help but wonder how the heck did I accomplish this?🤔

Clive remembered it when I showed him and said he was as surprised I continued going and finished the course as he was with the grades.

I was blown away when I saw this and even more flabbergasted that I hadn't even filed it with my certificates...

There's one of those glimpses of gold & diamonds Elias saw in me, and I guess my friend Zoë was right after all when she called me her "brainy" girl.

Last month, I invested in an online course to help uproot my self-limiting beliefs. (Apparently, the Lord isn’t done nudging me to invest in myself yet...)

This morning, I woke at 2:45 to attend the first of six live events, running from 3 to 7 am every Monday for the next six weeks. Believe me, the temptation to roll over and go back to sleep was immense. But having told Clive about it last night, I felt compelled to honour my word. Oh boy—what was I thinking?

In a quiet, reflective moment, I connected the dots between my lack of self-trust and the deeply ingrained belief that “I can’t be trusted.” I realised, with painful clarity, how many times I’ve let myself down over the years by not following through on commitments I’ve made to myself. I’ve always honoured my word and promises to others, yet when it comes to me, I’ve always failed miserably.

A little later, after feeding my friend’s cat, I spontaneously found myself heading down to the beach, completely overwhelmed.

There I stood, momentarily consumed by regret, chastising myself for decades of self-sabotage and procrastination that's caused dreams and aspirations to be crushed. The weight of what being stuck in fear has cost me—and by extension, those within my sphere of influence—was crushing.

But then, I could almost hear Elias's voice in my head saying, “Stop it! or I’ll bury you in a box 📦.” (It’s been a while since that familiar threat reared its head—clearly, I haven’t bullied myself much at the office lately.)

Yet, in the midst of it all, something shifted. After many tears, heartfelt prayer, and repentance right there in the water, I felt a glimmer of lightness and hope.

I’m ready to keep going and catch up on the personal growth I’ve let slip through my fingers. How thankful I am that the Lord can redeem the time, turn my mess into a message, and transform this mountain into yet another story that brings Him glory.

How grateful I am for His comforting presence and that the Lord can redeem the time, turn my mess into a message, and transform this mountain into another story of His glory.

I'm also grateful for Ester who, during our call later, promptly reminded me how far I've come to pick myself up in a matter of minutes, which used to take days & weeks before.

I must admit, I find it interesting 🤔 something so significant always pops up within 3 weeks of scheduled serving at an Elijah House school.

How often do we walk around with our "F.I.N.E." masks on? I know I did that all my life. I mastered the art of looking fine on the outside while feeling anything but on the inside. F.I.N.E. was just a cover for me—Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. It was a performance, a way of keeping people at arm's length, and, if I’m honest, a way of keeping God at arm's length too.

From a very young age, I had been disappointed and hurt by people so many times that I vowed not to be vulnerable to protect my heart. I hardened my heart to relationships because I had decided that good things don't last.

But here's the thing about masks: they might protect us for a moment but also isolate us. They make it impossible for others to see our real needs and even harder for us to receive the healing and help we desperately crave.

I was reminded of this while watching an interview between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah. Simon said something profound: "Trust is not built by offering help. Trust is  built by asking for help." Think about that. Asking for help isn’t a weakness—it’s the foundation of trust.

One of my hardest lessons has been learning to be vulnerable about sharing current struggles, not just testimonies. When I let my guard down and allowed the tears to flow and members to pray for me during group sessions, the dynamics of our group changed.

Stepping into that space has allowed incredible things to unfold—not just in my life but in the lives of others. In my groups, attendees have become more open, willing to share their stories, and brave enough to ask for prayer. It’s been a powerful reminder of how God works through community and connection.

Vulnerability is powerful because it leads to intimacy. When we let someone truly see us—in-to-me-see, we open the door to a deeper connection. Whether with God or others, vulnerability is the bridge that invites healing, trust, and love into our lives.

What if that same principle applies to our relationship with God? What if the healing we seek begins with a simple act of vulnerability—acknowledging our pain, our fears, and our brokenness? What if the mask is the very thing keeping us from God's healing hand?

God won't heal what we won't acknowledge. Take off the mask. Let God and others in-to-you-see. Acknowledge what's real. That’s where healing and growth begin. That’s where trust grows. And that’s where intimacy flourishes.

Trust Him enough to take off the mask. Acknowledge what’s real. That’s where the healing begins.

Earlier this week, Pastor David asked me to share a short testimony at the volunteer dinner this Sunday evening. I've had so many roller-coaster moments this year that there's just no way I can fit them into a 3-minute speech, but for what it's worth, here’s what I came up with:

First of all, thank you to all for contributing to my story. I wouldn't be here today without you loving me back to life since we came here three years ago after being displaced by vaccine passports.

This year has been a remarkable season of growth, breakthroughs, and healing. It began in January when I confronted my foundational lie that I had to earn my keep. God opened doors for new opportunities through a part-time job, which became the catalyst for healing unresolved leadership and work-related trauma. I finally broke free from being stuck between the fears of success and failure. It’s been a year of testing and pruning, but God’s faithfulness has been evident every step of the way.

One of the hardest lessons for me has been learning to be vulnerable about sharing current struggles, not just testimonies. Stepping into that space has allowed incredible things to unfold—not just in my life but in the lives of others. In our groups, attendees have become more open, willing to share their stories, and brave enough to ask for prayer. It’s been a powerful reminder of how God works through community and connection.

Our most remarkable story is that of Capri sharing how much Tala, her father, has changed since they joined the group and how they now use the Healing Trauma workbook in family discussions. It has greatly inspired me to keep the groups going. Some of the youngsters in our group asked to restart the series after three lessons to get their friends to join. This led to a 12-week series for 12 young adults starting in April. Watching this younger generation lean into God’s healing and restoration has been profoundly inspiring. Larry has added Mandarin subtitles to my Healing Trauma videos, creating a space for 5 Chinese ladies to experience the series.

Through all of this, I’ve been overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness. For decades, I had struggled with depression—a lifelong battle that felt impossible to overcome. But this year has been a celebration of the freedom and healing only God can bring, and for the first time in my life, I haven't had a "Trigger Season". He’s taken the broken pieces of my life and turned them into something beautiful—bringing hope where there was despair and joy where there was heaviness.

Looking back, I see how God has restored not only my mind and heart but also my relationships, my purpose, and my vision. Every breakthrough and moment of healing is a testimony to His goodness and love.

This journey hasn’t been one I’ve walked alone. I’m deeply grateful to every one of you who has prayed, encouraged, and supported me. Your love has been a reflection of God’s own heart.

So today, I want to celebrate—not just my story but the story God is writing in all of us. Let’s give thanks for His goodness and rejoice in the healing and restoration He continues to bring. With God, nothing is impossible, and every step is worth it.

I will leave you with these Scriptures I was given by my boss that have become foundational for me:

Philippians 4:6

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 3:20

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Unfortunately, Clive got distracted at the sound desk and forgot to record it so that I could include a video version here.

For me, the cracks began to show after my ectopic pregnancy in 1996 — a moment that marked the unraveling of a lifetime of suppressed emotions and 3 more miscarriages after that. At the time, I had no idea I was battling high-functioning depression. 

Moving to New Zealand and the challenges that followed only amplified the pressure until, my world came crashing down, and I faced a major breakdown in February 2018.

Sometimes, in His boundless mercy, the Lord allows the walls we've built to crumble. He meets us in the wreckage, gently bringing us to the end of ourselves so we can finally see the truth — we are nothing without Him.

“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide.” - Brene Brown

Our personal experiences hold transformative power, and sharing them can create ripples of hope and resilience in others' lives. Each journey through hardship is uniquely woven, yet the wisdom and strength gained along the way often serve as a light for those navigating similar struggles.

When we openly share our stories of overcoming adversity, we do more than reflect on our past—we build a bridge of understanding, a collective strength that helps others find their way. Storytelling is not just about healing ourselves; it’s about empowering others, fostering a community where courage and compassion thrive. Our narratives, born from challenges, can become survival guides and sources of inspiration, serving a purpose far greater than we might imagine.

As Revelation 12:11 reminds us: "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto death." There’s power in testimony. Courage and confidence bloom when we step out in obedience and share the journey God has brought us through.

I invite you to join me on this journey of healing and transformation. Sign up to follow my story updates through This Is My Story (List) | Trixi's Creations.

Together, let’s build a community bound by hope, faith, and resilience.

As we navigate this festive season, let's remember to be kind to those around us, for we may never truly know the burdens they carry. For so many, this time of year can be the hardest. The pain of pretending to be joyful when your heart is breaking is something I deeply understand.

For me, November to January has historically been a trigger season, since I lost my village to migragion in October at five years old, with that being the first of many displacements that would follow. The ache of that loss has lingered in different ways over the years.

Last year, when the weight of it all began to settle in early November, I was blessed to have my Elijah House tribe sister, Wendy, come to visit for a few hours. Together, we began to unravel the deep roots of the pain that stemmed from losing my community at such a young age. We didn’t uncover all the sinful responses in that time, but God has done so much healing and brought so many breakthroughs in the year since. 

This year, remarkably, I’ve made it through the trigger season without feeling the familiar heaviness, though I’m still very much aware of those around me who say they’re "fine," but whose eyes tell a different story.

Just this past Sunday, I crossed paths with one such person. Since then, I’ve been burden-bearing & praying for her.

Sometimes, all we need is someone to see us for who we really are – not just the face we present to the world, but the heart beneath.

Love, compassion & kindness really do go a long way.

Recently, I realised the reason why I suck at communication is that I've spent most of my life withdrawn & in my head.

Growing up, there were no conversations with Mom and Dad because they were barely home, hence my immense struggle with communication. When my stepdad came on the scene, he always said, "Think before you speak," whenever we had something to say, but somewhere along the line, my brother and I got stuck overthinking.

Now, I can have all these wonderful conversations with people in my head after the fact, but when I'm with them, I struggle with awkward silence because I don't remember what I want to say. I seriously need to get unstuck so I can fully step into my purpose and embrace the abundant life Jesus came to give me.

I want to master communication skills, not just for myself but also for my community and my jobs. I aim to become fluent in expressing my heart and mind.

Last week, I attended a 3-day boot camp for the Maxwell Leadership World Class Communicator coaching and want to share my excitement (& slight apprehension). I realised this was just the training I needed to improve my

•  Storytelling skills

• 1-on-1 communication skills

• 1-on-1 in small groups communication skills &

• 1-to-many on-stage communication skills.

However, I had just invested all my savings in another course to help me eliminate my limiting beliefs, so I didn't have the finances for this course either. Then, during the Q&A on Friday, I remembered that I had won the Day 1 Homework prize. I mustered up the courage to ask if they'd be willing to swap the iPhone for access to the course, so now I'm all in with coaching starting next week. It also includes access to John Maxwell's 16 Laws of Communication. The next 6 weeks will be a roller-coaster ride as I once again step outside my comfort zone to face the fear of public speaking.

What does it mean to be a world-class communicator?

A world-class communicator:

• Creates deep, meaningful connections,

• Speaks with unwavering clarity and conviction,

• Sparks transformative action through their words.

But their impact goes far beyond the stage—

• It's felt in every interaction,

• They leave a trail of trust and value wherever they go.

For them, communication isn’t just about being heard; it’s about making others feel:

• Truly seen,

• Fully understood,

• Genuinely empowered.

As I share this, I'm both excited and apprehensive at the thought of doing this, but I'm looking forward to the challenge so I can add more value to those in my sphere of influence.🎉🎊🥳

Change is never easy, but it’s one of those inevitable forces that shapes us in ways we can’t always predict. Change is difficult, not because we lack the ability, but because our emotions are so convincing.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to embrace it, even when it felt uncomfortable, because I’ve learned something important: growth often happens when we step out of what feels familiar.

This morning, I spent time packing up Elias’ bookshelves in preparation for his move out of this office at The Crate this weekend. This small act of kindness to add value to Elias has been a bittersweet task. This office has been more than just a workspace for the past eight months — it’s been the heart of my emotional journey of healing workplace-related wounding. From the highs to the lows, I’ve spent countless hours working here alongside Elias on the CCNNZ challenges we inherited from our predecessors. But it wasn’t just about the work. This space became a reflection of the personal transformation I’ve gone through.

I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, and I’ve confronted my deepest fears in this room. It’s been messy. It’s been beautiful. But more than anything, it’s been healing. Every challenge and breakthrough has led me closer to understanding my true self. And that’s what change does—it forces us to grow, to face what’s been hidden, and to step into the person we’re meant to be.

God knew what He was doing when He set me up with this job I wasn’t seeking. When I resigned from my last job in August 2005, I vowed I would never work in the corporate world again because I had come to expect all bosses to be demanding, mean, and critical, and I would never meet their standards.

We need fathers to heal the wounds caused by fathers, teachers to heal the wounds caused by teachers, pastors to heal the wounds caused by pastors, bosses to heal the wounds caused by bosses & leaders to heal the wounds caused by leaders. In this short time, Elias has touched on every one of these areas, from praying with me when I needed someone to hear my confessions to teaching, encouraging, disciplining, and calling forth the person God created me to be.

Letting go of this office, letting go of this chapter, is bittersweet. But I know that change brings new opportunities. Sometimes, we don’t see them right away. But when we look back, we realize that the challenging moments were stepping stones that led us to something better. I’m going to have to learn to focus without the structure of an office environment & navigate the distractions. So, here’s to embracing change. It’s messy, it’s hard, but it’s also where transformation begins.

2024 has indeed been a major transition year. Next year, I will focus on investing in my personal growth alongside my ministry and my work for CCNNZ and Nexus Connect. There’s just so much I still need to learn to prepare for my big, hairy, audacious dream. My goal for this next quarter is to save up the funds for the next intake of the World Class Communicator masterclass by Maxwell Leadership.

How do you navigate change in your life and work?🤔

As I work through John Maxwell's 30-Day Growth Plan, I'm finding that I need to dig really deep for some of the answers. It might be easier if I were clearer on the question, "Who am I?" but that's still part of my journey of discovery.

For now, I find myself in a peaceful state of reflection and spiritual growth. This is a time when prayer and quiet moments guide me, helping me to embrace the transformative journey ahead. I aim to align my actions with my values of kindness and compassion, which gives a sense of inner peace and contentment.

• I am deeply engaged in a creative journey that involves exploring the vibrant textures of acrylic painting and the reflective practice of creative journaling. This experience allows me to express my inner world, find joy in the process, and nurture my creative spirit. Each brushstroke and journal entry represents a step toward deeper self-discovery.

• I am currently in a positive and authentic phase of my life, dedicated to personal growth and strengthening my relationships. This journey focuses on staying true to myself, nurturing love and generosity, and continuously striving to become the best version of myself. It is a path filled with warmth and genuine connections.

At this time, I find myself at a crossroads, assessing my goals and aspirations. This time is dedicated to setting new intentions, reflecting on my accomplishments, and planning the next steps in my personal and professional growth. It’s a thoughtful and purposeful journey, guided by clarity and determination.

• Reflective and Spiritual:

“I find myself in a serene space of reflection and spiritual growth. It’s a time where prayer and quiet moments guide me, helping me to embrace the transformative journey ahead. This phase is about aligning my actions with my values of kindness and compassion, creating a sense of inner peace and contentment.”

• Creative and Artistic:

“I’m immersed in a world of creativity, exploring the vibrant textures of acrylic painting and the introspective practice of creative journaling. This journey is about expressing my inner landscape, finding joy in the process, and nurturing my creative spirit. Each brushstroke and journal entry is a step towards deeper self-discovery.”

• Transformative and Restorative:

“I’m in a season of transformation and rest, focusing on personal growth and self-care. This period is dedicated to understanding myself better, nurturing my relationships, and embracing the changes that come with growth. It’s a time of renewal, where rest and reflection pave the way for new beginnings.”

• Positive and Authentic:

“I am in a positive and authentic phase of my life, committed to personal growth and nurturing my connections. This journey is about being true to myself, fostering love and generosity, and continuously striving to be the best version of myself. It’s a path filled with warmth and genuine interactions.”

• Goal-Oriented and Reflective:

“At this moment, I’m at a crossroads, evaluating my goals and aspirations. This time is about setting new intentions, reflecting on my achievements, and planning the next steps in my personal and professional growth. It’s a thoughtful and purposeful journey, guided by clarity and determination.”

Today, I was reminded & am still chuckling about the great beetroot debacle that got me into hot water with Clive some 28 years ago... 😂🤣😅

I must have been around 10 weeks pregnant when I devoured an entire jar of beetroot and drank all the juice. Let’s just say my trip to the bathroom later turned into a real panic-fest.

I thought I was bleeding, and given my history of ectopic pregnancy just a few months prior, Clive freaked out and called the gynaecologist. What did she eat today? "he asked, and I sheepishly replied," Beetroot... who knew a whole bottle of it would cause such chaos?

Long story short, I was beetroot-banned during my next pregnancy.

At least today, it was safe to eat all I wanted today since I'm a sports model, and there's no risk of loss.

When we feel self-conscious, we tend to become more focused on ourselves. This increased self-focus can lead to feeling more nervous, causing a spiral of anxiety.

When we find ourselves in the spotlight, we may freeze up, and our voices might shake. We often feel overwhelmed, as if the attention on us has transformed from a simple light into the intense heat of a thousand burning suns.

We start to panic about what-ifs.

• What if I forget what I’m going to say?

• What if I stuff up?

• What if I don’t do a good job?

• What if I say something funny and people don’t laugh?

• What if I’m boring?

• What if I don’t apply the lessons that you taught me?'

All these what ifs are like prison bars that prevenus from stepping into our purpose and destiny.

The solution is both simple and effective: redirect your focus from yourself to the audience.

I've been told I speak a lot and fast when I get nervous. Whenever I feel anxious, I must remind myself that at least one person in the audience truly needs to hear the message I will share in my video or speech. I keep in mind that if they receive my message or story, it could change their life. Focusing on that individual will help me regain my composure.

Now, here's a straightforward quote from Tim Han's masterclass that I must remember next time I spiral out of control:

'Listen, Patrizia. If you don’t stop making this about you, I will bitch slap you. It’s not about you right now. It’s about the people you are about to serve. Get out of your own head. It’s NOT about you.

In my quest for learning and personal growth, I’ve embarked on John Maxwell’s 30-Day Growth Plan course.

He encourages us to be bold and, to ensure accountability, suggests sharing our thoughts on social media or texting them to a friend or mentor. A shared commitment becomes a firm commitment. Here are my reflections for Day 1:

What keeps you from being authentic with others? 🤔

The risk of being rejected, ridiculed, or criticized. I recognize that my fear of rejection and criticism stems from the concern that others may not appreciate me for who I am. This fear is rooted in a history of abandonment and rejection, but I am actively working through these feelings. Despite past challenges, I am committed to embracing my true self and building resilience against any negativity that comes my way. I know I have the strength to overcome these fears and continue growing. It’s a vulnerable place to be, but I believe that embracing our true selves, despite these fears, is where real growth and connection happen. 🌱💖

What barriers to authenticity (beliefs, fears, experiences, etc.) do you struggle against? 🤔

I celebrate my journey of overcoming the fear of rejection, learning from experiences of abandonment, and finding strength in navigating criticism and betrayal. While these experiences remind me that revealing my true self might invite judgment or dismissal, I joyfully embrace the opportunity to share my authentic self with the world! There’s a beautiful balance between being seen and understanding that not everyone will understand. I’m discovering the joy in trusting my worth and fully engaging in life, relishing every moment regardless of the risks.

A quick glance at the workbook questions reveals that I will need to dig deep to discover where I am, determine where I’m going, and plan how I’ll get there.

The last time I found myself in an X-ray facility was in August 2010, after having had my prosthetic disc replacement in June of that year & then having slipped; this set of X-rays would indicate the need for a fusion in my neck a few days later.

I was reminded how I was close to tears in June whilst I was waiting for my x-rays so I could return to the neurosurgeon’s office. Little did I know then that I would be sent home later to go pack for surgery the next day. It took me years before I started feeling remotely normal after the four rapid succession operations I had in the space of 14 months back then, and the last thing I wanted to experience was another operation.

I was grateful that, this time, I didn’t need to wait for the x-rays and report as I did back then so I could head off to the office. This turned out to be a welcome distraction from all the “What if…?” questions spinning through my mind.

This is not a space I ever wanted to return to...

Last Monday, during our monthly Elijah House North Shore gathering, I sought prayer for my back & hip, which have been causing debilitating pain for a couple of months. The other day, whilst at Gilmours to buy a cake for the shared office lunch, I had to ask Misha to walk down and drive me home because my back and hip were in such spasm that I had to fight back the tears as I could barely stand up straight. And this wasn't the first time I've had this much pain...

Peter received a word from the Lord, saying, "I have your back!" He then asked if there were areas in my life where I hadn't believed that He indeed had my back and instead had been trying to protect myself and have my own back. This resonated deeply with me as I recognised my lifelong struggle to fend for myself and to have my own back. Once again, I had to confess and repent for my sinful responses to past trauma.

In September, when Elias expressed his frustration with the mistakes and issues during the awards preparations by becoming cold and distant, the healed part of my heart recognised the "mover in distress" and extended forgiveness. However, this week, I realised that, in my woundedness, my hopes of finding a friend and mentor were shattered. The wounded part of my heart judged him as unsafe, unkind, cold, distant and unapproachable, much like all the other men in my life had been. 

Reading that he was going to recommend one more month on my contract in his CEO report in October, I perceived his affirmations and compliments as flattery and started feeling increasingly unsafe. Once again, I had the proverbial mat pull out from under me; after all, good things don't last, or so I thought. I came to expect that he wouldn't have my back. Therefore, I had to protect myself, resulting in withdrawal and subsequent inner turmoil that affected my performance and motivation. I was making mistakes and started beating myself up, and the voices in my head resurfaced, shouting the likes of: "What's wrong with you?", "Why can't you get it right?", "You're not good enough!", "Shape up, or ship out!" and "You're going to get yourself fired!"

I also realised that in feeling shut out and reaching for old ways of self-protection, I failed to recognise Elias' needs and didn't support him as I had committed to. When I withdrew, I failed to "have his back"… 

My body has been manifesting this internal conflict through what the physiotherapist called "protective" spasms.

When we arrived in Waipawa on Sunday for our anniversary holiday, I discovered that Clive had removed my flag bag from the boot of the car, so I missed having them for early morning worship on Monday.

We drove to Spotlight in Hastings in search of materials to create some flags for the week. I stumbled upon some beautiful, rainbow-coloured fabric covered in glitter, along with some dowel sticks. Although Clive didn’t seem convinced, he agreed that it was very much in line with my style.

Later that afternoon, during my prayer ministry session with Sandra, I envisioned an explosion of colour reminiscent of my new makeshift flags.

Part of my ministry focused on my tendency to exert total control over chaos, which has led me to struggle with fully enjoying life and allowing myself to have fun.

How fitting it is that these flags symbolize my reclaiming of God's rainbow and the vibrant colours in my own life.

Flags represent a prophetic picture of wings, symbolising our protection. As Psalm 91 says, we will be hidden under Your wings, in the shadow of Your wings. The flags are a prophetic image of being covered by God's wings, feeling the breath and life of God.

"Lord, let her experience this now. Let her feel the breath of what You want to manifest in the natural realm. Through the flags, through the waving of fabric in the air, cover her. Your banner over her is love. Send heavenly hosts to that banner."

Sandra envisioned an army fighting, holding up a banner. Other units ran to it, recognising their banner and choosing to serve under it. Similarly, heavenly hosts are drawn to the banner to fight on our behalf. The Lord says I don’t have to hide anymore; He sends help from the sanctuary.

During my prayer ministry with Sandra this afternoon, she asked the Holy Spirit to show me what He was doing in those captive and slumbering areas in the kingdom of my heart❤️

🔥 I saw Him building a fire, and then He threw all the rubbish of my life into it to burn it all.

Over the last four years, I've learnt to embrace the fireball of pain that brings cleansing and healing to the kingdom of my heart.

This afternoon, during my prayer ministry with Sandra to address areas of spiritual captivity, I heard the song "Free to Dance Again."

Decades ago, in my early years of Christianity, I was on the dance and drama team in the church in Cape Town. However, moving to Johannesburg meant that there was no more team, so dance was out of the picture for many years.

About two years ago, the Lord started speaking to me about returning to my first love. I would see myself dancing during worship, but it would take a while and much healing before I could move my feet to do it.

Sandra saw Jesus bringing me ice skates. He was holding the ice skates in His hands. They were white, laced up with a bow. He wants to restore my ability to dance. Ice skating is much riskier than regular dancing, and it also requires a partner.

There’s a significant element of trust involved because you must rely heavily on your partner, especially during the lifts. It’s as if Jesus is inviting this little girl to trust her partner during the lifts and in the timing. They could accidentally harm each other if they’re off by just a couple of seconds. The lifts and jumps are so high, requiring perfect synchronization. This invitation carries a lot of meaning.

Typically, the Lord engages in spiritual captivity, but He is very gentle and inviting with the little girl because she views men as unsafe and untrustworthy. Jesus, who embodies the divine, and the Father, both represent masculinity. Being the gentleman that He is, He would never intrude.

What’s interesting about this vision is that I used to have white ice skates when I was young. I brought them from Germany after our first return in 1979, but I don’t remember who gave them to me.

I loved ice skating, but I can’t do it anymore because it’s too risky to fall with the prosthetic in my spine. The last time I saw my ice skates was before my mom took us to boarding school after her divorce when we moved to Port Elizabeth. I have no idea what happened to them.

For the past three years, I've been hosting paint parties to help others re-discover their creative abilities. However, today, I spent some time being the student on the other side of the paint party scene.

Although others loved it, I thought I may have created a monster.

For the past two years, serving on the sound desk, in the kitchen, and as an intercessor alongside the incredible Elijah House team during school holidays has been a true honour and highlight of my term. This week was another profoundly uplifting experience, filled with opportunities to witness the Holy Spirit's transformative inner healing work.

From 9 AM to 5 PM daily, we gathered as a family, absorbing Sandra's enlightening lessons on how trauma impacts us and how to pursue freedom.

Witnessing the team's dedication and students' breakthroughs was awe-inspiring. Together, we courageously explored deep wounds, facilitating life-changing healing and restoration in an atmosphere electrified by hope and transformation.

Each session reinforced the power of vulnerability and the Holy Spirit's guidance. Seeing others breakthrough during small group ministry reinforced my own healing journey.

Reflecting on this week fills me with gratitude for meaningful connections and transforming lives. I eagerly anticipate continuing this sacred work, knowing every moment with the Elijah House tribe fuels deeper understanding, healing, sanctification, and transformation.

I'm looking forward to serving again at C-School in January, which promises to be another great family reunion. Together, we're changing the world 🌎 one 💔 heart at a time.

Luke 4:18-19 NLT

[18] “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, [19] and that the time of the Lord’s favour has come. ”

I thrive on the stability of knowing my next steps, as change often brings uncertainty and chaos. This preference originates from the significant displacement trauma I experienced, having attended 13 schools and moved 34 times by the time I was 18, along with the turmoil of my parents’ divorce when I was 11.

Recently, I learned that this aligns with 72.81% of my DOER Life Language.

Despite this, I have embraced many challenges that come with uncharted waters, taking the initiative to figure out processes and document procedures. By doing this, I have created clear guidelines in the form of procedure manuals, blogs, and testimonies for others to follow, sparing them the uncertainty of not knowing how to get things done.

My ability to navigate uncharted waters and document processes highlights not only my resilience but also my compassion and foresight. By providing clear guidelines for others, I offer a sense of security and direction for those who follow, making a significant impact on their lives.I’ve never considered it before, but I have been a pioneer in many areas of my life and career. I am indeed a pioneer—this represents 17.17% of my MOVER Life Language.

I have transformed my experiences into strengths, embracing the role of a pioneer while ensuring stability and clarity for others. 🌟

• https://www.trixiscreations.com/blog

• https://trixisfaithjournaling.blogspot.com/

• http://trixisdigi-scraps.blogspot.com/

• https://trixishomeed.blogspot.com

• http://mammamiakings.blogspot.com/

• https://peacehavensa.blogspot.com/

Thank You, Lord, for my family, my friends, my "Battle Buddies" & my community.

Thank You, Lord, for my family, my friends, my “Battle Buddies,” and my community.

Father, I’m so grateful that You’ve called us to journey together. You didn’t design us to walk through life or healing alone.

Some days, it’s really hard—but I thank You for the gift of family and the brothers and sisters who walk with us. They pick us up when we fall, cheer us on when we’re weary, strengthen us when we’re weak, and sometimes even carry us when we feel like we can’t take another step.

Thank You, Lord, for the three kinds of friends You’ve placed in our lives:

• MENTORS: Godly men and women who have gone before us, showing us the way—just as Jesus did in John 13:1-20. They are spiritual fathers and mothers who pour into us.

• PEERS: Faithful companions who walk beside us, sharing wisdom and encouragement (Prov. 13:20).

• DISCIPLES: Those we invest in, the next generation we teach, guide, and serve with love (Titus 2:3-4). 🤍🌿🤍

• 
  

Lord, I ask for unity among us, that we would stand as one—supporting, loving, and reflecting Your grace and truth in every step we take together. Thank You for our community and for the strength we draw from one another.

I also thank You for the leaders and teachers You’ve placed in our lives, whose wisdom and guidance help us grow in faith and understanding.

Father, as we walk this path together, fill us with courage and strength. But most of all, Lord, I ask that You release hope into every heart—that even though this journey has been hard, we know it’s all for a purpose. You promise to work everything together for good, and we trust You with the outcome.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

Now, here's a first in about 3 decades. I think my brother will be happy to know that I have finally tried my hand at poetry again.

The painting is an art class project that would have landed in the trash can had our teacher not managed to fix up the nose I had so severely messed up.

This phrase from the Cherokee king has been spinning through my head all day since I read in the CEO report that a month's extension on my contract would be suggested. Once again, the reality hits home that good things don't last.

Psalms 61:1-3 NLT [1] O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer! [2] From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, [3] for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.

Grief is the most honest reflection of love. You would not feel so deeply if you did not have the capacity to love just as deeply, which is something to embrace in this world. Remember—you will love, and because of that, you will sometimes lose, but you will be infinitely better for it.

~ Bianca Sparacino Photography: Monnalisa Laïss©, Author, Artist

Today, my heart feels heavy and burdened with sadness. Betrayal cuts deep—especially when it comes from those we love and trust. I open my heart willingly, even knowing there’s no guarantee it will be treated with care. Too often, sweet words serve as a soothing balm, while actions carve daggers into my back.

Once again, rejection cut deep, deep wounds 💔 into my heart. I'm utterly disappointed, mostly in myself, because I perceived the wall come up and should have seen it coming. Still, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and didn't prepare myself for what would follow, and once again, the dream of a lifetime friendship has been burnt to ashes.

I find comfort in the fact that God heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. He was betrayed and rejected many times, even while on the cross, yet He chose to forgive others in that moment. Through this trauma, I have the opportunity to know Him more intimately. 

So, I will choose forgiveness once more because people are human, flawed, and fallible. I’ll grieve my losses, allow myself the time to heal, and trust that from these ashes, a stronger, wiser warrior will rise—refined by this experience and ready to step forward with new strength.

I will praise You in this storm, Lord.

Thank You, Lord, that I can trust You to walk with me through every disappointment. Help me take every thought captive that is not of You, Lord. The enemy is relentless & doesn't fight fair, but thank You for Your armour that protects me from every fiery dart the evil one shoots my way.

The testing and pruning have been severe this year, but thank You, Lord, for being my strength when I feel inadequate, ill-equipped, and weak. Without You, I will never be good enough, but You have given me everything I need for a life of Godliness.

I will overcome not by power or might but by Your Spirit. Be my strength. You give me just enough light for the step I'm on and help me trust Your guidance when I'm navigating unchartered waters.

It demands every ounce — all the love one can muster, with nothing held back or reserved for anything else. Every act of kindness, every gesture of compassion and every moment of patience—it requires all.

Nothing must be saved or held back to be spent on something else. All-consuming, unwavering, and pure. Love in its entirety is what it takes.

As Mother Theresa once eloquently put it: "It takes it ALL. Nothing to be held back to be spent on something else."

John 15:13: "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." This means that the greatest love we can show for our friends is to sacrifice ourselves for them. The emphasis lies on "laying down his life" for them. That's what Jesus did for us, and as His followers, we ought to do the same.

In the future, when I am long gone, I pray that people will remember me as someone who's spent everything generously and lavishly on those who needed to feel God's love with skin on. After all, it's not about us but about Him being glorified in and through our lives.

I had a very long day at the Hilton for the exhibition and Awards Gala Dinner yesterday. Elias picked me up at 6 am and then we picked up Bash.

We set up the booth and spent the morning in the conference and exhibition halls.

Then we spent the afternoon in the hotel lobby waiting out the day until it was time to get ready for the Gala event.

This was after a touch-up in preparation for the awards gala dinner... I didn't take any photos, but managed to get a few from others.

For the first time in my life, I didn't experience social anxiety facing 350 strangers in a crowded room after recognising displacement trauma to my decision not to attempt "fitting in" as the new kid on the block at the root of my anxiety on Wednesday evening.

Handing over awards went plain sailing...

A few weeks ago, my brother reminded me that our stepdad would tell us to think before we spoke whenever we had something to say. However, somewhere along the line, we got stuck thinking and stopped speaking altogether. 

I've spent the majority of my life withdrawn and in my head, so communication skills are one of the skills I'm going to need to focus on improving in the near future.

I have finally found my voice and the courage to speak although communication doesn't come easy yet and I have to be intentional.

Thank you all for your prayers this morning. I truly felt it shift the atmosphere.

During our UNashamed lesson, I've connected some important dots. The displacement trauma I experienced, having attended 13 schools and moved 30 times by the time I turned 18, has led me to spend my life as the "new kid on the block." I tried to fit into new environments but eventually chose to disconnect instead.

This has resulted in social anxiety and apprehension about attending the upcoming function with 350 unfamiliar faces, especially given my responsibilities as a representative of Christ and my job. I will pray about this tomorrow and should be ready to embrace the challenge on Friday. It’s not by power or might but by God's Spirit. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love 💕, power 💪, and a sound mind. His strength will be revealed in my weakness.

This morning, I'm standing in need of prayer🙏 as the internal pressure is mounting in the lead-up to my work's Awards Gala Dinner on Friday night. We're pretty much on top of all the backstage stuff, but the magnitude of "Being the Beautiful Assistant" on stage as a representative of Christ & CCNNZ just hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. So what's the big deal with that, some might ask?🤔 I'm a DOER by nature. Thus, "I'm a human BEing, not a human DOing" doesn't come naturally to me.

Those who know my story about "Investing in ME" may recognise the struggle. Those who don't can find it here https://youtu.be/nOcXAA7xc-g?si=5kE9ycEyZPCSNcWX

I've checked off all but one item on this list. I am down to "How do I express the beauty of ME?" How hard can that be, right?🤔 For me, it seems like an insurmountable mountain.

Had I not wrestled with God's promptings to invest for four years, I would have been an expert at applying makeup and being beautiful by now. But NO, I was stubborn and rebellious because I didn't want to be seen, so now I'm wrestling with the fear of messing up and being an embarrassment. Added to that, I'm beating myself up for not having responded sooner.

There's this tug-of-war between the warrior inside wanting to arise from the ashes and the little girl hiding in the closet for fear of being seen and humiliated or causing shame and disappointment for others. Dang, this stronghold of shame must come down!

I finally invested in make-up & now I have 3 days left to learn to use it for Friday's awards gala dinner.

Had I not resisted God's promptings to invest for 4 the last years, I would have been an expert by now, but NO, Patrizia was stubborn & rebellious, so now I'm having to learn the hard way.

Unfortunately, repentance doesn't remove the consequences of disobedience.

Everytime I think I'm done with my invest list, I hear the Lord say: "Wait, there's more."

How much more I wonder. I thought I'd checked it all off now but no, apparently having worn make-up at our wedding vow renewals, was not enough. I had to INVEST, since at this point in time I didn't own any.

So, with Ester's help, and just over $300 later, I checked off another item on my 4-year-old "Invest" list today. And we had loads of fun doing it whilst she got to try out the products on my face.

Now I'm down to the last one: "How do I express the beauty of me?"

This week, I had the joy of posting the remaining invitations. It might seem like a small task to some, but for me, it was a pleasure—because servanthood is in my spirit. Helping and supporting others is part of who I am. It energises me. It reminds me why I’m here.

“Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” – Matthew 20:26 (NIV)

I also saw your message about the minutes—no, it didn’t upset me at all. I simply hadn’t had the chance to respond. I’ve been focused on the awards and, truthfully, haven’t touched work since I got home. I’ve been trying to be intentional about drawing boundaries and leaving work at the office—unless it’s urgent. I’ll tidy that up tomorrow.

But can I be honest? What really tugged at my heart wasn’t the work—it was watching you crack under the pressure.

And not being able to help.

I could see the stress building, the weight on your shoulders. And even though I’m relieved to see some of that pressure lifting now, the way it played out left an impression. You reminded me of some of my past bosses—ones who led with intensity and frustration. A few years ago, I probably would’ve shrunk in fear. But healing has taught me that anger is almost always a secondary emotion.

Anger often masks grief. Or frustration. Fear. Overwhelm. Wounds we haven’t yet addressed.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

If that anger had a voice—what would it say?

This week, the burden I’ve carried has gone far deeper than any task or responsibility. I’ve witnessed reactions that grieve the heart of God—not because He’s angry, but because He longs to heal us. To soften those places so we can respond, not from hurt or pressure, but from wholeness and love.

As your sister in Christ, I want to gently encourage you: make time to pursue your healing.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3 (NIV)

When we don’t, God—out of His great love—will sometimes allow our structures, systems, and plans to stretch beyond their limits. Not to punish us, but to bring us to the end of ourselves, so we turn back to Him. That’s burnout. And it’s not something I want anyone to experience the way I did.

So, what could work better for us in the future? It’s simple—let me do what I’m called to do. Not just for the organisation, but for you. I’m here to help. I want to carry the load with you, not just behind you.

Saturday’s workshop was a turning point for me. I walked in thinking I had unresolved wounding. But what I found instead was identity—a clearer picture of who God created me to be. I’m a Doer, a Responder, a Producer, and a Shaper. My spiritual gifts are service, mercy, generosity, administration, and exhortation.

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” – Romans 12:6 (NIV)

For years, the enemy twisted those gifts into people-pleasing and performance. But those lies have been crucified with Christ. What’s left is a servant heart led by grace and excellence—not perfection.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” – Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

This is where I thrive. This is how I serve.

I haven’t had time to write my “UGLY” yet (Unhealed, Gifted, Loved You), but I’ve attached my Life Languages notes if you’d like to take a look. I would’ve shared them sooner, but truthfully, the emotional climate wasn’t safe at the time. Still, I extend grace. I forgive. I move forward in love.

Because I believe with all my heart: there is a new level of influence waiting for you—on the other side of healing. Not one built on striving, but on surrender. Not led by stress, but by Spirit.

Let’s not just serve together—let’s heal together too.

Reflection & Prayer

Take a moment to pause and consider:

• Where have I allowed stress      to lead instead of the Spirit?

• What emotions have I buried      under frustration or anger?

• Is there a part of me crying      out for healing?

Let’s pray:

Father God, thank You for Your endless patience and love. Thank You for calling us into deeper healing, not just for ourselves, but for those we walk with. Reveal the places in us where we’ve been carrying pressure alone. Help us to surrender, to trust, and to rest in the truth that You are our healer and strength. Teach us to walk in our true identity, unshackled by performance or fear. Let our service be a reflection of Your grace and not our striving. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Let me know if you'd like a version of this formatted for a devotional, a spoken message, or social media snippets.

For those who've been wondering about the photoshoot photos? 🤔

Honestly, I still prefer to be on the other side of the camera. Sitting down on the other side of the camera, anticipating the photoshoot, left me feeling quite awkward. I'm usually the one taking the photos and am quite happy having it that way. So much so that in 2007, after Oma Else died and I had a conversation with my cousin whom I hadn't seen in 34 years, I couldn't provide him with a recent photo of me because I had none.

I've become more intentional about doing these things, and I'm growing more confident. Yet I'm still uncomfortable with dressing up, makeup, and posing, but I'm celebrating small victories and trusting God's plan to help me as I learn to fully embrace my femininity.

I'm reminded again of Sandra's word to me during prayer ministry on 4 June 2020. Now that it's mostly checked off, I'm still working on that last point, which is the hardest for someone who prefers to hide.

The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.

What would that look like?

• Take time to discover what fills your creative well. ✔️

• New haircut?✔️

• New dress?✔️I had to invest in a whole new wardrobe because I didn't own any dresses.

• Take the time & money you      need for qualifications?✔️

• How can l express the beauty of ME?"

I've come a long way... BUT God's not finished with me yet.

I constantly have to remind myself it's a process, not a race or instant fix... next week, I have to add heels 👠 for a gala dinner 🍽 😏💃

Bathroom "selfie"... when your buddy pops in at your office on short notice to "fix up" your face for a photo shoot.

It's not a look you'll see all that often, so don't expect it as a regular occurrence. At this stage dresses are still reserved for Sunday morning worship team. I have not yet fully embraced them for everyday attire. As for make-up, yeah God's still working on that and we'll see soon enough how long it takes before that becomes a regular occurence.

I’m incredibly grateful for the friends and community that the Lord has placed in my life recently. I wouldn't have been able to navigate all the ups and downs I've experienced without them.

Thanks to my friend, Ester Kanaway, for popping in at the drop of a hat to make me more presentable for the company photos. You're the definition of a true friend. I'm told I looked at $1,000,000 today & couldn't have done it without her.

I woke up to this message from Ouboet on WhatsApp this morning...

💕

Each of us has a special place where we escape from our lives to break away from the sick, heartless, rushed, or overcrowded world. There, where our greatest needs and dreams arise and begin to grow within us. There, where we can shelter from our most unpleasant experiences, worries, and fears.

However, at times, someone comes along and, unnoticed, in an indescribable and remarkable way, manages to infiltrate this place quietly, leaving deep traces and making themselves at home amidst all our needs, desires, hopes, uncertainties, and fears. We allow them to share with us what is sensitive, valuable, and emotional to us, to share what no one else may share: our deepest heart secrets, concerns, needs, expectations, joys, and fears.

Within our hidden kingdom of wealth, they now create new perspectives and thus also on our lives and views. They unexpectedly open new windows and/or doors, give us new life expectations and prospects and bring out the best (unfortunately, sometimes also the worst) in us. They unknowingly claim for themselves a special hidden place or corner in our midst (hearts), and leave a remarkable footprint in our deepest beings.

♡💕♡

And then his added note that brought me to tears:

💕I had clearly written her name in the sand when we were younger, and the wind gently, slowly blew it away. But now, I have written her name in my heart where it belongs, where no rust destroys, and thieves cannot break in and steal. There in my special place, where I may and can cherish, care for, and protect it with love.

❤️Sweetheart. May she now forever make her home there with those who have become special to me over time. Yes, forever is a long time, just like never and always, right - forever, until the Lord comes to fetch us. May it bring her joy and comfort - infinitely and carry her through the length of days💖

💖💕❤️

I waited 30 years for this reconciliation 💕 Thank You, Lord, for turning Ouboet's heart 💖 back to his little sister ❤️ Ever since first reaching out to reconcile in October 2017, & his visit in April 2018, he's been my greatest cheerleader & a constant source of encouragement when the going is tough.

Today started on a very high note for me but ended in a tearful & challenging day. At the Market Makers meeting, something snapped in my heart when Pastor Jo closed the service just before Pastor Greg came up from behind & asked if I had been prayed for. I'm ashamed to admit, "Yup, I knew it; he's just like Dad; he doesn't care about me!" had popped up in my mind.

I composed myself and headed off to work. Elias was busy, so he suggested I head back home earlier than I had planned and come back after 1 p.m. when I could have his undivided attention to work through the things I needed his input on.

I didn't lie when I said I was going to be late because I had an unexpected visitor, but the real reason Ester was here is that she came to pray with me because she was there at Market Makers in the morning when I started to cry & held me long after everyone had left. She had checked in later to see if there was anything she could do for me...

There are some areas of my heart where I've broken through & progressed beautifully, but a few remaining areas where I'm still a painful mess.

I've been reading quite a bit lately...

• "Most often, those who hurt most are silent. For various reasons, we don't allow ourselves to experience the pain we feel. Therefore, the pain ends up being covered with work, alcohol, sex, drugs, depression,  compulsive eating, dieting & the endless list of acting-out behaviours to alert observers that all is not well. Having failed to scream, we are now screaming through our disorders, addictions & compulsions. To scream is normal when facing tragic events. Not to scream may reveal the extent to which we are bleeding to death on the inside."

This quote from Failure to Scream by Robert Hicks resonates with me because I still do a fair amount of pushing down before I allow myself to grieve. "You should be beyond this!" a pastor told me years ago when I went to ask for help, so now I don't ask. "Just get the hell over it!" I so often tell myself.

After a lifetime of feeling numb due to boxing up emotions because I concluded emotions were dangerous, I now feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride at the rapid pace the Holy Spirit has been resurfacing the unresolved trauma to unpack my box 📦& believe me, sometimes it's loudly buzzing with bugs. From time to time, the volcano of boxed-up emotions erupts & today was one of those days.

I'm still learning to feel my feelings &  scream my screams. Today, my heart's been screaming on so many levels & so many tears have been rolling down my cheeks due to the severe grief of not having a mother or father I can go to with my fears & insecurities for comfort & wisdom.

Apart from healing hearts, I'm an encourager, too, & I can often see more in people than they can see in themselves. I've also felt called to be a "Spiritual Mother" to others for decades & have always been one to take the motherless & fatherless amongst my peers under my wing even though I was burying my own grief of motherlessness & fatherlessness. This weighs rather heavy on me because I feel ill-equipped not having a "spiritual father or mother" myself & therefore no modelling to know what, how & when I should be doing it.

"The Cry for Spiritual Fathers & Mothers" by Larry Kreider has been on my bookshelf for years, waiting to be read. I finally picked it up to read this week & it's been pushing so many buttons...

• "As I travel the world training leaders and potential leaders, I see a consistent and desperate need for spiritual fathers and mothers to be in vital relationships with spiritual children. Whether they are new believers, Christians for many years, or pastors, the need is still the same. Deep down inside, many are longing for spiritual fathers and mothers.

• God calls us to become spiritual parents to prepare the next generation for spiritual parenthood. He desires to restore a sense of responsibility in spiritual fathers and mothers toward their children. Spiritual parenting fills the void and closes the gap of broken relationships between the old and the young.

• Wouldn’t it be great if someone saw your potential in Christ and decided to invest in your life? This is the point of a spiritual parenting relationship—we can go a lot further spiritually if we work together in family-like units to reach the world."

I've spent my life looking for a father figure to fill the gaping void Dad's absence left in my heart. As I was reading, it suddenly dawned💡on me that's precisely what Elias has been doing. I can't express how grateful I am for the way he leads, even though I struggle to see in me what he & others see in me.

He's encouraged me in so many ways —my self-confidence and who I am in the Lord — he's pulled stuff out of me that nobody was ever able to pull out. He sees things nobody's ever noticed. Nobody's ever seen the glimpses of diamonds & gold in me... He stepped up to do what Dad so dismally failed to do, calling me forth into life to be ME. He didn't give up on me even when my heart thought it was just a matter of time before he'd be sick & tired of me.

I've been climbing the ladder of performance all my life. Neither my 2nd place in hurdles nor all my distinctions were ever acknowledged but criticised. Nobody came to cheer me on when I sang the solo or danced in the school plays... so when I came to him excited with what I had produced, like a little toddler would bring their drawing to mom & dad for acknowledgement, that's the wounded little girl inside hoping Dad will finally acknowledge her existence & achievements.

However, there's confusion that springs up my defences when I perceive his sudden change from gentle leader to "boss". There's a softness in his eyes & voice that disappears with the pressure he's under & it causes anxiety, a shutdown in trust & a temptation to hide until the softness returns & I feel safe enough to be at ease again. That's the change he sees in my eyes when he so often says, "There she is now!" And sometimes I get confused because I'm not sure where the boundaries of work & friendship are & am I even allowed to be my boss' friend? I need a friendship that lasts.

Over & over, I've waded my way across stormy uncharted waters, even learning to home-educate & write a blog to share what I discovered the hard way when school failed our boys, much like the 7-year-old in boarding school coming home to all the contents of her cupboard on the floor every day, with no reason why & no instructions on what was wrong & how to do it correctly. Just do it & when it's done, it's wrong. Once again, a task without parameters for me caused unfamiliar territories, chaos & overwhelm🤦‍♀️as seen with my response to Conference & Awards Finalist Interviews 😢 That seems to have been a pattern in my life & work. Creating order out of chaos & leaving procedure manuals for newcomers to follow. Did I mention I hate chaos?🤔 It messes with my OCD. Over & over, I've had to prove myself "good enough" to others & also myself.

Oh & then there's the case of that "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet from the UNashamed teaching series I completed for the 3rd time on Wednesday evening. Imagine my disappointment when, although a few areas have improved, I realised my life is still pretty much shame-based & that's what's driving so many of my responses, causing the stubborn resistance to change as well as the imposter syndrome & constant feeling like an intruder & a burden. I guess the next 6 weeks are going to be a rough ride 🤦‍♀️Please pray for me as I pursue taking down the stronghold of shame in my life...

Sharing my breakthroughs (highlight reels) is easy for me, but allowing people into the struggles whilst I'm in there is not so much because, in the past, too many have left when the going got tough. All too often, I have something to say, but I just can't get the words out, so please hear what I'm NOT saying.

Healing from Complex PTSD is a challenging process with many ups and downs. Confronting trauma can sometimes worsen it before it improves. Childhood trauma often leads to ingrained coping mechanisms based on fight, flight, freeze, or please responses (I do all of these), which can resurface during stress.

To manage post-traumatic stress from child abuse or neglect, it's crucial to build resilience. Despite effective therapy & healing, breaking away from these ingrained survival strategies can be difficult, and old patterns may re-emerge from time to time.

I continue to pray for enlarged capacity & the ability to keep my heart ❤️ open even when it hurts & I'm afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God & others.

I'm grateful for those who are walking this journey with me as I navigate my way through the maze of emotions & sinful responses that need to be uncovered & brought to death at the cross. I'm grateful for those around me who are so patiently loving💞 me back to life!

Two weeks ago, on Monday morning, after my experience with writing "I am loved" on 21 canvases for the Sunday school paint party (https://www.trixiscreations.com/post/uitskryf-werk), our Elijah House Keynote lesson was "How we See God." This lesson deals with how we perceive God through our trauma-tainted lenses. I have seen this lesson at least 6 times before, but this time I was undone & ended up receiving prayer ministry from Ester & Rose.

During prayer ministry, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the reason I was unable to accept that I am loved in spite of all the evidence that I am loved was that my perception & definition of love had been warped due to childhood neglect and wounding. I had come to believe & expect that to be loved was to be neglected, reprimanded, criticised, ignored, and treated unkindly. My identification of love was all skewed.

Knowledge will never overwrite experience, and even though I knew the Biblical definition of love that corresponds with my current experience, the battle between my head and my heart was fierce. Deep down in my heart, I was still expecting what I had come to believe is love before I could feel I was loved.

‭‭1 Corinthians 13:4-8 AMP‬‬

[4] Love endures with patience and serenity; love is kind and thoughtful and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. [5] It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. [6] It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. [7] Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], and endures all things [without weakening]. [8] Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.

Even though I had learnt to treat others with love, kindness, dignity, and respect, I wasn't able to receive it for myself, nor was I able to treat myself in the same way.

Then, to rub it all in, on Thursday morning, at Business Leadership Group, John Maxwell's lesson dealt with his most important relationship with God & how often we have a wrong picture of God, which causes us to misunderstand & miss out on having a relationship with Him.

1. Fence

Sometimes we see God as a fence or wall that's really tall, forbidding, without doors or openings, and no way around it. We may believe in Him, but He's unreachable on the other side of the fence/wall, and there's no way to reach Him.

1. Ladder

Sometimes we see Him as a ladder that we need to climb by doing good works, doing all the right things, & trying to be a good person. We hope that if we're "good enough," we can work our way to God.

1. Garbage Can

And sometimes, we see all the negative things about ourselves that we've done, & we're looking at a filthy garbage can, and we're ashamed and feel unworthy to see God. We think we've done too much wrong, & God wouldn't want to see us, so we avoid Him."

1. Door

God is standing at the door of our hearts, gently knocking & asking to come into those unbelieving areas where we're trying to bring order by ourselves before letting Him in.

Jesus wants us to invite Him into the broken places of our hearts — deep into the core of who we are. He wants us to yield to the process so we can be filled & restored to our original design.

Already, whilst watching the video, I became emotional, felt the tears well up, and realised I didn't have any tissues in my pockets. Then it came my turn to read the paragraph, "God wants us to know Him. He wants a relationship with us. And you need to understand something. If God is 1,000 steps away from you, He will take the first 999 steps to get to you. All He asks you & me to do is take one step." By the time I got to 999, I lost my composure and ran out of the meeting in tears. My first instinct was to get into my car and rush back home, but instead I ran up to the bathroom to let the tears flow, composed myself, and a few minutes later, headed back into the meeting.

The reflection questions are always the hardest for me; however, here's how I related to these four pictures of God:

When I hardened my heart even before birth, when I felt the unsafe post-abortion environment, I built the wall that shut God and others out. I've subsequently spent my life trying to climb the ladder of doing & am still struggling with the garbage of my mistakes, which has prevented me from fully stepping through the door that I've seen in visions on numerous occasions during prayer ministry. He left the 99 to come find ME!

I recognise that I need to be more intentional about recognising when I'm tempted to put up walls, climb the ladder, or revert back to the garbage can when I'm dealing with issues that seem too hard to face.

My battle is not yet over, because last night we started Sandra's UNashamed teaching series, and from the get-go, even though this was my 3rd time working through the "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet, and I have improved in many areas, but my life is still pretty much shame-based.

I'm grateful that God has placed me in a family to help me through the process of sanctification and transformation so He may be glorified.

And still, God's love, kindness, and favour are pouring in. I just received this from my brother on WhatsApp, and he even included a beautiful poem for me...❤️ Sometimes these posts come when least expected, but always when they're needed.

💕Jesus Loves Me💕
*For the elderly*

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honouring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age. After a warm welcome introduction of this speaker, as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak.

"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... The only thing that would comfort was this verse...:

"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong.
We are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me... x3
The Bible tells me so." "

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his footsteps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated: "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn singing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest, because I could see they knew it the best."

Senior version of:
"Jesus Loves Me"
Here is a new version for those who have white hair or no hair at all; for those over middle age (or even those almost there) and all others who dare to enjoy.

💖Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair are white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me: trust in Him.

CHORUS
《YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.》

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go.
In rough times, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.

CHORUS《 ... 》

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."

CHORUS《 ... 》

When my work on earth is done,
And life's vict'ries have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.

CHORUS《 ... 》

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

CHORUS《 ... 》

......

Every day is a gift ..
that's why it's called ...the Present.

Feel free to pass it on
"Reach out and Touch"
a friend;
a loved one;)))

or a neady heart.

Therefor may this to you truely be a present from this day onwards. As from my side:

❤️ Yes, Jesus loves you...x3
The Bible tells me so.

Ev'ry day's a gift of God.
Treasure it, and let it not
all go by without to say
that you love Him true today.

Chorus
For Jesus loves you
like He loves me too.
Yes it is all true.
The Bible tells us so.

As we close our eyes tonight
may this song bring you delight.
He'll be there 'till comes day light;
always being by our side.

Chorus
For Jesus loves you
like He loves me too.
Yes it is all true.
The Bible tells us so.

May Lords Hand guard over you,
noting that you love Him too.
May your heart be ever true
and your soal stay good as new.

Yes, Jesus loves you.
like Jesus loves me.
Yes, I know He does too.
The Bible tells me so.📷

Hebrews 4:15-16 reminds us that we have a high priest who empathises with our weaknesses, having been tempted in every way, yet without sin. He encourages us to approach God's throne of grace with confidence, to receive mercy and find grace in our time of need.

The concept of **hematidrosis** (or sweating blood) is a rare but real condition, often associated with extreme stress or fear. Jesus' experience in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He sweat blood, underscores the immense emotional and physical agony He endured on our behalf.

Vulnerability and processing emotions is crucial. Jesus' openness in His time of grief and His request for companionship highlight the importance of community and honesty in our own struggles. It's a powerful reminder that even in our deepest pain, we can turn to God and those around us for support.

When my boss tells me not to beat myself up, it feels a little too late for that. I've been doing just that since before I left work, over mistakes I've made. On a positive note, though, it’s not as intense as it used to be.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a pressure cooker. Even my watch keeps reminding me to breathe, and I can feel it manifesting in my body—turns out the coughing is due to asthma, which tends to flare up every couple of decades when something triggers this extreme anxiety. I suspect the backaches might be related as well. 

Something about the awards interviews has been stressing me out, and I can't pinpoint why. Proving myself to myself is not an easy task. 🤦‍♀️ This morning, I realized I gave someone the wrong date, which makes me feel quite foolish. After all my triple-checking, I'm now tempted to check everything repeatedly. 🤦‍♀️🤔 I’ll probably relax once the interviews are over and nothing has gone wrong.

At least I’m learning to write apology emails… Oh, the shame! I suspect the upcoming series on shame will help me break down some strongholds. I hear the Lord saying there’s more to come.

I’ll get there if it’s the last thing I do. It’s not by power or might, but by the Spirit of the Lord. In my weakness, God’s strength will be revealed. Just as Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him, I can embrace this difficult journey because the breakthrough will lead to greater freedom.