The words 'I AM...' carry immense significance in shaping our identities and perceptions. Uncover the truth behind your self-statements and their impact on your personal & professional journey

I have learned to be mindful of what I attach to "I am..." in my statements.

Some of the most deeply ingrained lies we believe about ourselves are hidden within these very words.

"I AM..." is a declaration of identity—yet, all too often, we confuse our temporary emotions with who we truly are.

When we say, "I am angry, anxious, sad, sick, tired, depressed," we are unconsciously reinforcing the idea that these emotions define us. We are speaking negativity over ourselves, and over time, our bodies will manifest more of these burdens.

But there is another way.

By reframing our statements, we empower ourselves to separate our identity from our emotions. We acknowledge them for what they are—passing experiences. Saying "I feel angry, anxious, or sad" validates the emotion without allowing it to take root in our identity.

This small but powerful shift creates space for healing and growth. It helps us process our emotions while keeping our true selves intact.

Emotions are transient; they ebb and flow like the tide—they are not permanent, and they do not define us. By recognising this, we cultivate resilience, a healthier mindset, a more positive outlook on life and a greater capacity for growth.

So let’s be intentional with our words. Instead of "I am...", let’s embrace the life-giving phrase, "I feel...".

It’s a simple change, but one that can  lead to profound transformation in the way we see ourselves and navigate life’s challenges.

REMEMBER: You are not your emotions. You are so much more than that —strong, ever-evolving, and full of possibility. You are capable of navigating through life's ups and downs with grace and strength.

I'm talking to the coir as I write this. Over the past 5 years, I've confessed and repented of many foundational lies..

• I'm worthless

• I'm not good enough

• I'm ill-equipped

• I'm stupid

• I'm unloved

• I'm unwanted

• I'm not creative

• … to name just a few…

The truth is, that when God created the earth and everything on it, He said: "It is good", but after God created Adam and Eve, He said: "It is very good" (Genesis 1:31). We are beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). He loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). We are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so we would walk in them  (Ephesians 2:10). He has already given us ALL we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).

What lies have you come to believe about yourself that you need to bring to death at the cross today?🤔

In the Maxwell Growth Plan coaching John Maxwell teaches to grow yourself, you must know yourself. Well, if you asked me "Who are You" a couple of weeks ago, I would have told you I don't know. In all my life's people pleasing I had forgotten WHO I am so this journey of self-awareness as part of the course is quite difficult for me.

What I've realised whilst doing this is part of the reason I've been struggling with depression all my life is the fact that I had many expectations and inner vows preventing me from being who I was created to be. I spent my life trying to be who I perceived others wanted me to be and therefore undermining my integrity & causing a constant inner turmoil, guilt & shame for being "fake" and feeling like an imposter. I discovered that my belief that I can't be trusted is rooted in my lack of integrity towards myself. Over the years I've signed up for so many courses & activities I had planned to do to enhance my potential but then I would sacrifice that on the altar of someone else's needs being more important than mine.

God has so graciously redeemed my birthday and as I pause to reflect on the journey I’ve travelled – the mountains I’ve climbed and the valleys I’ve navigated – I see every reason to celebrate.

First of all, thank you. Each of you has contributed to my story, creating a safe space for me to heal. I wouldn’t be standing here today without your love bringing me back to life.

This year has been extraordinary — marked by growth, breakthroughs, and deep healing. It was a season when I stepped into spaces I once thought were impossible. This hasn’t been a path I’ve walked alone, and my heart overflows with gratitude for those who have stood by me, encouraged me, and lifted me along the way.

These make-shift flags have been waiting for me to make them permanent since we got back from our anniversary holiday early November last year.

By sewing my flags, I am reclaiming control of my life and making a concerted effort to revitalise the colour and vitality that has been absent.

It is high time these beauties were utilised to proclaim God's glory and colour in my life. This year, I am determined to shift from survival & procrastination mode to growth and thriving.

Watch this space become 202(5)THRIVE.

As Marc Bredenkamp used to say decades ago: "I see you somewhere in the future & you look much better than you look right now!"

With last week's office reshuffle and the little writing desk being gifted, it neccetated me working through this basket filled with paperwork to see what could be shredded and what needed filing.

My ability to organise things broke when I broke 💔, and that’s one area I haven’t been able to restore yet. The mere thought of the amount of stuff I've let slide home in that time has been overwhelming, keeping me in procrastination and stopping me from doing anything about it.

But this afternoon, when I got home from the office, I decided that this little mountain would be conquered today so I could check it off my list of procrastination items.

In the process, I stumbled across a few thank-you cards from my Encounter groups at the end of 2023...

... one of them contained $60... what a lovely surprise 😮

And then there was this little gem...

My heart still skips a beat every time I see this little munchkin... Although not by blood, for 18 months, I had the incredible privilege of being his Oma, and their departure has left a void in my heart, but in my heart, Sean will always be my grandson... I must confess, I still often wonder how he is & whether he's happy & healthy, but I no longer suppress and deny those thoughts & feelings, and they no longer bring me to tears. I pray the Lord will protect him & keep him safe.

Then there was this giant surprise...

For someone who thought she was worthless, stupid, not good enough, etc., doing a 3-month graphic design course when I was at rock-bottom and then achieving this is no small feat... I don't even remember seeing this report back then, but I can't help but wonder how the heck did I accomplish this?🤔

Clive remembered it when I showed him and said he was as surprised I continued going and finished the course as he was with the grades.

I was blown away when I saw this and even more flabbergasted that I hadn't even filed it with my certificates...

There's one of those glimpses of gold & diamonds Elias saw in me, and I guess my friend Zoë was right after all when she called me her "brainy" girl.

Last month, I invested in an online course to help uproot my self-limiting beliefs. (Apparently, the Lord isn’t done nudging me to invest in myself yet...)

This morning, I woke at 2:45 to attend the first of six live events, running from 3 to 7 am every Monday for the next six weeks. Believe me, the temptation to roll over and go back to sleep was immense. But having told Clive about it last night, I felt compelled to honour my word. Oh boy—what was I thinking?

In a quiet, reflective moment, I connected the dots between my lack of self-trust and the deeply ingrained belief that “I can’t be trusted.” I realised, with painful clarity, how many times I’ve let myself down over the years by not following through on commitments I’ve made to myself. I’ve always honoured my word and promises to others, yet when it comes to me, I’ve always failed miserably.

A little later, after feeding my friend’s cat, I spontaneously found myself heading down to the beach, completely overwhelmed.

There I stood, momentarily consumed by regret, chastising myself for decades of self-sabotage and procrastination that's caused dreams and aspirations to be crushed. The weight of what being stuck in fear has cost me—and by extension, those within my sphere of influence—was crushing.

But then, I could almost hear Elias's voice in my head saying, “Stop it! or I’ll bury you in a box 📦.” (It’s been a while since that familiar threat reared its head—clearly, I haven’t bullied myself much at the office lately.)

Yet, in the midst of it all, something shifted. After many tears, heartfelt prayer, and repentance right there in the water, I felt a glimmer of lightness and hope.

I’m ready to keep going and catch up on the personal growth I’ve let slip through my fingers. How thankful I am that the Lord can redeem the time, turn my mess into a message, and transform this mountain into yet another story that brings Him glory.

How grateful I am for His comforting presence and that the Lord can redeem the time, turn my mess into a message, and transform this mountain into another story of His glory.

I'm also grateful for Ester who, during our call later, promptly reminded me how far I've come to pick myself up in a matter of minutes, which used to take days & weeks before.

I must admit, I find it interesting 🤔 something so significant always pops up within 3 weeks of scheduled serving at an Elijah House school.

How often do we walk around with our "F.I.N.E." masks on? I know I did that all my life. I mastered the art of looking fine on the outside while feeling anything but on the inside. F.I.N.E. was just a cover for me—Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. It was a performance, a way of keeping people at arm's length, and, if I’m honest, a way of keeping God at arm's length too.

From a very young age, I had been disappointed and hurt by people so many times that I vowed not to be vulnerable to protect my heart. I hardened my heart to relationships because I had decided that good things don't last.

But here's the thing about masks: they might protect us for a moment but also isolate us. They make it impossible for others to see our real needs and even harder for us to receive the healing and help we desperately crave.

I was reminded of this while watching an interview between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah. Simon said something profound: "Trust is not built by offering help. Trust is  built by asking for help." Think about that. Asking for help isn’t a weakness—it’s the foundation of trust.

One of my hardest lessons has been learning to be vulnerable about sharing current struggles, not just testimonies. When I let my guard down and allowed the tears to flow and members to pray for me during group sessions, the dynamics of our group changed.

Stepping into that space has allowed incredible things to unfold—not just in my life but in the lives of others. In my groups, attendees have become more open, willing to share their stories, and brave enough to ask for prayer. It’s been a powerful reminder of how God works through community and connection.

Vulnerability is powerful because it leads to intimacy. When we let someone truly see us—in-to-me-see, we open the door to a deeper connection. Whether with God or others, vulnerability is the bridge that invites healing, trust, and love into our lives.

What if that same principle applies to our relationship with God? What if the healing we seek begins with a simple act of vulnerability—acknowledging our pain, our fears, and our brokenness? What if the mask is the very thing keeping us from God's healing hand?

God won't heal what we won't acknowledge. Take off the mask. Let God and others in-to-you-see. Acknowledge what's real. That’s where healing and growth begin. That’s where trust grows. And that’s where intimacy flourishes.

Trust Him enough to take off the mask. Acknowledge what’s real. That’s where the healing begins.

Earlier this week, Pastor David asked me to share a short testimony at the volunteer dinner this Sunday evening. I've had so many roller-coaster moments this year that there's just no way I can fit them into a 3-minute speech, but for what it's worth, here’s what I came up with:

First of all, thank you to all for contributing to my story. I wouldn't be here today without you loving me back to life since we came here three years ago after being displaced by vaccine passports.

This year has been a remarkable season of growth, breakthroughs, and healing. It began in January when I confronted my foundational lie that I had to earn my keep. God opened doors for new opportunities through a part-time job, which became the catalyst for healing unresolved leadership and work-related trauma. I finally broke free from being stuck between the fears of success and failure. It’s been a year of testing and pruning, but God’s faithfulness has been evident every step of the way.

One of the hardest lessons for me has been learning to be vulnerable about sharing current struggles, not just testimonies. Stepping into that space has allowed incredible things to unfold—not just in my life but in the lives of others. In our groups, attendees have become more open, willing to share their stories, and brave enough to ask for prayer. It’s been a powerful reminder of how God works through community and connection.

Our most remarkable story is that of Capri sharing how much Tala, her father, has changed since they joined the group and how they now use the Healing Trauma workbook in family discussions. It has greatly inspired me to keep the groups going. Some of the youngsters in our group asked to restart the series after three lessons to get their friends to join. This led to a 12-week series for 12 young adults starting in April. Watching this younger generation lean into God’s healing and restoration has been profoundly inspiring. Larry has added Mandarin subtitles to my Healing Trauma videos, creating a space for 5 Chinese ladies to experience the series.

Through all of this, I’ve been overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness. For decades, I had struggled with depression—a lifelong battle that felt impossible to overcome. But this year has been a celebration of the freedom and healing only God can bring, and for the first time in my life, I haven't had a "Trigger Season". He’s taken the broken pieces of my life and turned them into something beautiful—bringing hope where there was despair and joy where there was heaviness.

Looking back, I see how God has restored not only my mind and heart but also my relationships, my purpose, and my vision. Every breakthrough and moment of healing is a testimony to His goodness and love.

This journey hasn’t been one I’ve walked alone. I’m deeply grateful to every one of you who has prayed, encouraged, and supported me. Your love has been a reflection of God’s own heart.

So today, I want to celebrate—not just my story but the story God is writing in all of us. Let’s give thanks for His goodness and rejoice in the healing and restoration He continues to bring. With God, nothing is impossible, and every step is worth it.

I will leave you with these Scriptures I was given by my boss that have become foundational for me:

Philippians 4:6

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 3:20

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Unfortunately, Clive got distracted at the sound desk and forgot to record it so that I could include a video version here.

For me, the cracks began to show after my ectopic pregnancy in 1996 — a moment that marked the unraveling of a lifetime of suppressed emotions and 3 more miscarriages after that. At the time, I had no idea I was battling high-functioning depression. 

Moving to New Zealand and the challenges that followed only amplified the pressure until, my world came crashing down, and I faced a major breakdown in February 2018.

Sometimes, in His boundless mercy, the Lord allows the walls we've built to crumble. He meets us in the wreckage, gently bringing us to the end of ourselves so we can finally see the truth — we are nothing without Him.

“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide.” - Brene Brown

Our personal experiences hold transformative power, and sharing them can create ripples of hope and resilience in others' lives. Each journey through hardship is uniquely woven, yet the wisdom and strength gained along the way often serve as a light for those navigating similar struggles.

When we openly share our stories of overcoming adversity, we do more than reflect on our past—we build a bridge of understanding, a collective strength that helps others find their way. Storytelling is not just about healing ourselves; it’s about empowering others, fostering a community where courage and compassion thrive. Our narratives, born from challenges, can become survival guides and sources of inspiration, serving a purpose far greater than we might imagine.

As Revelation 12:11 reminds us: "And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto death." There’s power in testimony. Courage and confidence bloom when we step out in obedience and share the journey God has brought us through.

I invite you to join me on this journey of healing and transformation. Sign up to follow my story updates through This Is My Story (List) | Trixi's Creations.

Together, let’s build a community bound by hope, faith, and resilience.

As we navigate this festive season, let's remember to be kind to those around us, for we may never truly know the burdens they carry. For so many, this time of year can be the hardest. The pain of pretending to be joyful when your heart is breaking is something I deeply understand.

For me, November to January has historically been a trigger season, since I lost my village to migragion in October at five years old, with that being the first of many displacements that would follow. The ache of that loss has lingered in different ways over the years.

Last year, when the weight of it all began to settle in early November, I was blessed to have my Elijah House tribe sister, Wendy, come to visit for a few hours. Together, we began to unravel the deep roots of the pain that stemmed from losing my community at such a young age. We didn’t uncover all the sinful responses in that time, but God has done so much healing and brought so many breakthroughs in the year since. 

This year, remarkably, I’ve made it through the trigger season without feeling the familiar heaviness, though I’m still very much aware of those around me who say they’re "fine," but whose eyes tell a different story.

Just this past Sunday, I crossed paths with one such person. Since then, I’ve been burden-bearing & praying for her.

Sometimes, all we need is someone to see us for who we really are – not just the face we present to the world, but the heart beneath.

Love, compassion & kindness really do go a long way.

Recently, I realised the reason why I suck at communication is that I've spent most of my life withdrawn & in my head.

Growing up, there were no conversations with Mom and Dad because they were barely home, hence my immense struggle with communication. When my stepdad came on the scene, he always said, "Think before you speak," whenever we had something to say, but somewhere along the line, my brother and I got stuck overthinking.

Now, I can have all these wonderful conversations with people in my head after the fact, but when I'm with them, I struggle with awkward silence because I don't remember what I want to say. I seriously need to get unstuck so I can fully step into my purpose and embrace the abundant life Jesus came to give me.

I want to master communication skills, not just for myself but also for my community and my jobs. I aim to become fluent in expressing my heart and mind.

Last week, I attended a 3-day boot camp for the Maxwell Leadership World Class Communicator coaching and want to share my excitement (& slight apprehension). I realised this was just the training I needed to improve my

•  Storytelling skills

• 1-on-1 communication skills

• 1-on-1 in small groups communication skills &

• 1-to-many on-stage communication skills.

However, I had just invested all my savings in another course to help me eliminate my limiting beliefs, so I didn't have the finances for this course either. Then, during the Q&A on Friday, I remembered that I had won the Day 1 Homework prize. I mustered up the courage to ask if they'd be willing to swap the iPhone for access to the course, so now I'm all in with coaching starting next week. It also includes access to John Maxwell's 16 Laws of Communication. The next 6 weeks will be a roller-coaster ride as I once again step outside my comfort zone to face the fear of public speaking.

What does it mean to be a world-class communicator?

A world-class communicator:

• Creates deep, meaningful connections,

• Speaks with unwavering clarity and conviction,

• Sparks transformative action through their words.

But their impact goes far beyond the stage—

• It's felt in every interaction,

• They leave a trail of trust and value wherever they go.

For them, communication isn’t just about being heard; it’s about making others feel:

• Truly seen,

• Fully understood,

• Genuinely empowered.

As I share this, I'm both excited and apprehensive at the thought of doing this, but I'm looking forward to the challenge so I can add more value to those in my sphere of influence.🎉🎊🥳

Change is never easy, but it’s one of those inevitable forces that shapes us in ways we can’t always predict. Change is difficult, not because we lack the ability, but because our emotions are so convincing.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to embrace it, even when it felt uncomfortable, because I’ve learned something important: growth often happens when we step out of what feels familiar.

This morning, I spent time packing up Elias’ bookshelves in preparation for his move out of this office at The Crate this weekend. This small act of kindness to add value to Elias has been a bittersweet task. This office has been more than just a workspace for the past eight months — it’s been the heart of my emotional journey of healing workplace-related wounding. From the highs to the lows, I’ve spent countless hours working here alongside Elias on the CCNNZ challenges we inherited from our predecessors. But it wasn’t just about the work. This space became a reflection of the personal transformation I’ve gone through.

I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, and I’ve confronted my deepest fears in this room. It’s been messy. It’s been beautiful. But more than anything, it’s been healing. Every challenge and breakthrough has led me closer to understanding my true self. And that’s what change does—it forces us to grow, to face what’s been hidden, and to step into the person we’re meant to be.

God knew what He was doing when He set me up with this job I wasn’t seeking. When I resigned from my last job in August 2005, I vowed I would never work in the corporate world again because I had come to expect all bosses to be demanding, mean, and critical, and I would never meet their standards.

We need fathers to heal the wounds caused by fathers, teachers to heal the wounds caused by teachers, pastors to heal the wounds caused by pastors, bosses to heal the wounds caused by bosses & leaders to heal the wounds caused by leaders. In this short time, Elias has touched on every one of these areas, from praying with me when I needed someone to hear my confessions to teaching, encouraging, disciplining, and calling forth the person God created me to be.

Letting go of this office, letting go of this chapter, is bittersweet. But I know that change brings new opportunities. Sometimes, we don’t see them right away. But when we look back, we realize that the challenging moments were stepping stones that led us to something better. I’m going to have to learn to focus without the structure of an office environment & navigate the distractions. So, here’s to embracing change. It’s messy, it’s hard, but it’s also where transformation begins.

2024 has indeed been a major transition year. Next year, I will focus on investing in my personal growth alongside my ministry and my work for CCNNZ and Nexus Connect. There’s just so much I still need to learn to prepare for my big, hairy, audacious dream. My goal for this next quarter is to save up the funds for the next intake of the World Class Communicator masterclass by Maxwell Leadership.

How do you navigate change in your life and work?🤔

As I work through John Maxwell's 30-Day Growth Plan, I'm finding that I need to dig really deep for some of the answers. It might be easier if I were clearer on the question, "Who am I?" but that's still part of my journey of discovery.

For now, I find myself in a peaceful state of reflection and spiritual growth. This is a time when prayer and quiet moments guide me, helping me to embrace the transformative journey ahead. I aim to align my actions with my values of kindness and compassion, which gives a sense of inner peace and contentment.

• I am deeply engaged in a creative journey that involves exploring the vibrant textures of acrylic painting and the reflective practice of creative journaling. This experience allows me to express my inner world, find joy in the process, and nurture my creative spirit. Each brushstroke and journal entry represents a step toward deeper self-discovery.

• I am currently in a positive and authentic phase of my life, dedicated to personal growth and strengthening my relationships. This journey focuses on staying true to myself, nurturing love and generosity, and continuously striving to become the best version of myself. It is a path filled with warmth and genuine connections.

At this time, I find myself at a crossroads, assessing my goals and aspirations. This time is dedicated to setting new intentions, reflecting on my accomplishments, and planning the next steps in my personal and professional growth. It’s a thoughtful and purposeful journey, guided by clarity and determination.

• Reflective and Spiritual:

“I find myself in a serene space of reflection and spiritual growth. It’s a time where prayer and quiet moments guide me, helping me to embrace the transformative journey ahead. This phase is about aligning my actions with my values of kindness and compassion, creating a sense of inner peace and contentment.”

• Creative and Artistic:

“I’m immersed in a world of creativity, exploring the vibrant textures of acrylic painting and the introspective practice of creative journaling. This journey is about expressing my inner landscape, finding joy in the process, and nurturing my creative spirit. Each brushstroke and journal entry is a step towards deeper self-discovery.”

• Transformative and Restorative:

“I’m in a season of transformation and rest, focusing on personal growth and self-care. This period is dedicated to understanding myself better, nurturing my relationships, and embracing the changes that come with growth. It’s a time of renewal, where rest and reflection pave the way for new beginnings.”

• Positive and Authentic:

“I am in a positive and authentic phase of my life, committed to personal growth and nurturing my connections. This journey is about being true to myself, fostering love and generosity, and continuously striving to be the best version of myself. It’s a path filled with warmth and genuine interactions.”

• Goal-Oriented and Reflective:

“At this moment, I’m at a crossroads, evaluating my goals and aspirations. This time is about setting new intentions, reflecting on my achievements, and planning the next steps in my personal and professional growth. It’s a thoughtful and purposeful journey, guided by clarity and determination.”

Today, I was reminded & am still chuckling about the great beetroot debacle that got me into hot water with Clive some 28 years ago... 😂🤣😅

I must have been around 10 weeks pregnant when I devoured an entire jar of beetroot and drank all the juice. Let’s just say my trip to the bathroom later turned into a real panic-fest.

I thought I was bleeding, and given my history of ectopic pregnancy just a few months prior, Clive freaked out and called the gynaecologist. What did she eat today? "he asked, and I sheepishly replied," Beetroot... who knew a whole bottle of it would cause such chaos?

Long story short, I was beetroot-banned during my next pregnancy.

At least today, it was safe to eat all I wanted today since I'm a sports model, and there's no risk of loss.

In my quest for learning and personal growth, I’ve embarked on John Maxwell’s 30-Day Growth Plan course.

He encourages us to be bold and, to ensure accountability, suggests sharing our thoughts on social media or texting them to a friend or mentor. A shared commitment becomes a firm commitment. Here are my reflections for Day 1:

What keeps you from being authentic with others? 🤔

The risk of being rejected, ridiculed, or criticized. I recognize that my fear of rejection and criticism stems from the concern that others may not appreciate me for who I am. This fear is rooted in a history of abandonment and rejection, but I am actively working through these feelings. Despite past challenges, I am committed to embracing my true self and building resilience against any negativity that comes my way. I know I have the strength to overcome these fears and continue growing. It’s a vulnerable place to be, but I believe that embracing our true selves, despite these fears, is where real growth and connection happen. 🌱💖

What barriers to authenticity (beliefs, fears, experiences, etc.) do you struggle against? 🤔

I celebrate my journey of overcoming the fear of rejection, learning from experiences of abandonment, and finding strength in navigating criticism and betrayal. While these experiences remind me that revealing my true self might invite judgment or dismissal, I joyfully embrace the opportunity to share my authentic self with the world! There’s a beautiful balance between being seen and understanding that not everyone will understand. I’m discovering the joy in trusting my worth and fully engaging in life, relishing every moment regardless of the risks.

A quick glance at the workbook questions reveals that I will need to dig deep to discover where I am, determine where I’m going, and plan how I’ll get there.

The last time I found myself in an X-ray facility was in August 2010, after having had my prosthetic disc replacement in June of that year & then having slipped; this set of X-rays would indicate the need for a fusion in my neck a few days later.

I was reminded how I was close to tears in June whilst I was waiting for my x-rays so I could return to the neurosurgeon’s office. Little did I know then that I would be sent home later to go pack for surgery the next day. It took me years before I started feeling remotely normal after the four rapid succession operations I had in the space of 14 months back then, and the last thing I wanted to experience was another operation.

I was grateful that, this time, I didn’t need to wait for the x-rays and report as I did back then so I could head off to the office. This turned out to be a welcome distraction from all the “What if…?” questions spinning through my mind.

This is not a space I ever wanted to return to...

Last Monday, during our monthly Elijah House North Shore gathering, I sought prayer for my back & hip, which have been causing debilitating pain for a couple of months. The other day, whilst at Gilmours to buy a cake for the shared office lunch, I had to ask Misha to walk down and drive me home because my back and hip were in such spasm that I had to fight back the tears as I could barely stand up straight. And this wasn't the first time I've had this much pain...

Peter received a word from the Lord, saying, "I have your back!" He then asked if there were areas in my life where I hadn't believed that He indeed had my back and instead had been trying to protect myself and have my own back. This resonated deeply with me as I recognised my lifelong struggle to fend for myself and to have my own back. Once again, I had to confess and repent for my sinful responses to past trauma.

In September, when Elias expressed his frustration with the mistakes and issues during the awards preparations by becoming cold and distant, the healed part of my heart recognised the "mover in distress" and extended forgiveness. However, this week, I realised that, in my woundedness, my hopes of finding a friend and mentor were shattered. The wounded part of my heart judged him as unsafe, unkind, cold, distant and unapproachable, much like all the other men in my life had been. 

Reading that he was going to recommend one more month on my contract in his CEO report in October, I perceived his affirmations and compliments as flattery and started feeling increasingly unsafe. Once again, I had the proverbial mat pull out from under me; after all, good things don't last, or so I thought. I came to expect that he wouldn't have my back. Therefore, I had to protect myself, resulting in withdrawal and subsequent inner turmoil that affected my performance and motivation. I was making mistakes and started beating myself up, and the voices in my head resurfaced, shouting the likes of: "What's wrong with you?", "Why can't you get it right?", "You're not good enough!", "Shape up, or ship out!" and "You're going to get yourself fired!"

I also realised that in feeling shut out and reaching for old ways of self-protection, I failed to recognise Elias' needs and didn't support him as I had committed to. When I withdrew, I failed to "have his back"… 

My body has been manifesting this internal conflict through what the physiotherapist called "protective" spasms.

When we arrived in Waipawa on Sunday for our anniversary holiday, I discovered that Clive had removed my flag bag from the boot of the car, so I missed having them for early morning worship on Monday.

We drove to Spotlight in Hastings in search of materials to create some flags for the week. I stumbled upon some beautiful, rainbow-coloured fabric covered in glitter, along with some dowel sticks. Although Clive didn’t seem convinced, he agreed that it was very much in line with my style.

Later that afternoon, during my prayer ministry session with Sandra, I envisioned an explosion of colour reminiscent of my new makeshift flags.

Part of my ministry focused on my tendency to exert total control over chaos, which has led me to struggle with fully enjoying life and allowing myself to have fun.

How fitting it is that these flags symbolize my reclaiming of God's rainbow and the vibrant colours in my own life.

Flags represent a prophetic picture of wings, symbolising our protection. As Psalm 91 says, we will be hidden under Your wings, in the shadow of Your wings. The flags are a prophetic image of being covered by God's wings, feeling the breath and life of God.

"Lord, let her experience this now. Let her feel the breath of what You want to manifest in the natural realm. Through the flags, through the waving of fabric in the air, cover her. Your banner over her is love. Send heavenly hosts to that banner."

Sandra envisioned an army fighting, holding up a banner. Other units ran to it, recognising their banner and choosing to serve under it. Similarly, heavenly hosts are drawn to the banner to fight on our behalf. The Lord says I don’t have to hide anymore; He sends help from the sanctuary.

During my prayer ministry with Sandra this afternoon, she asked the Holy Spirit to show me what He was doing in those captive and slumbering areas in the kingdom of my heart❤️

🔥 I saw Him building a fire, and then He threw all the rubbish of my life into it to burn it all.

Over the last four years, I've learnt to embrace the fireball of pain that brings cleansing and healing to the kingdom of my heart.

This afternoon, during my prayer ministry with Sandra to address areas of spiritual captivity, I heard the song "Free to Dance Again."

Decades ago, in my early years of Christianity, I was on the dance and drama team in the church in Cape Town. However, moving to Johannesburg meant that there was no more team, so dance was out of the picture for many years.

About two years ago, the Lord started speaking to me about returning to my first love. I would see myself dancing during worship, but it would take a while and much healing before I could move my feet to do it.

Sandra saw Jesus bringing me ice skates. He was holding the ice skates in His hands. They were white, laced up with a bow. He wants to restore my ability to dance. Ice skating is much riskier than regular dancing, and it also requires a partner.

There’s a significant element of trust involved because you must rely heavily on your partner, especially during the lifts. It’s as if Jesus is inviting this little girl to trust her partner during the lifts and in the timing. They could accidentally harm each other if they’re off by just a couple of seconds. The lifts and jumps are so high, requiring perfect synchronization. This invitation carries a lot of meaning.

Typically, the Lord engages in spiritual captivity, but He is very gentle and inviting with the little girl because she views men as unsafe and untrustworthy. Jesus, who embodies the divine, and the Father, both represent masculinity. Being the gentleman that He is, He would never intrude.

What’s interesting about this vision is that I used to have white ice skates when I was young. I brought them from Germany after our first return in 1979, but I don’t remember who gave them to me.

I loved ice skating, but I can’t do it anymore because it’s too risky to fall with the prosthetic in my spine. The last time I saw my ice skates was before my mom took us to boarding school after her divorce when we moved to Port Elizabeth. I have no idea what happened to them.

For the past three years, I've been hosting paint parties to help others re-discover their creative abilities. However, today, I spent some time being the student on the other side of the paint party scene.

Although others loved it, I thought I may have created a monster.

For the past two years, serving on the sound desk, in the kitchen, and as an intercessor alongside the incredible Elijah House team during school holidays has been a true honour and highlight of my term. This week was another profoundly uplifting experience, filled with opportunities to witness the Holy Spirit's transformative inner healing work.

From 9 AM to 5 PM daily, we gathered as a family, absorbing Sandra's enlightening lessons on how trauma impacts us and how to pursue freedom.

Witnessing the team's dedication and students' breakthroughs was awe-inspiring. Together, we courageously explored deep wounds, facilitating life-changing healing and restoration in an atmosphere electrified by hope and transformation.

Each session reinforced the power of vulnerability and the Holy Spirit's guidance. Seeing others breakthrough during small group ministry reinforced my own healing journey.

Reflecting on this week fills me with gratitude for meaningful connections and transforming lives. I eagerly anticipate continuing this sacred work, knowing every moment with the Elijah House tribe fuels deeper understanding, healing, sanctification, and transformation.

I'm looking forward to serving again at C-School in January, which promises to be another great family reunion. Together, we're changing the world 🌎 one 💔 heart at a time.

Luke 4:18-19 NLT

[18] “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, [19] and that the time of the Lord’s favour has come. ”

I thrive on the stability of knowing my next steps, as change often brings uncertainty and chaos. This preference originates from the significant displacement trauma I experienced, having attended 13 schools and moved 34 times by the time I was 18, along with the turmoil of my parents’ divorce when I was 11.

Recently, I learned that this aligns with 72.81% of my DOER Life Language.

Despite this, I have embraced many challenges that come with uncharted waters, taking the initiative to figure out processes and document procedures. By doing this, I have created clear guidelines in the form of procedure manuals, blogs, and testimonies for others to follow, sparing them the uncertainty of not knowing how to get things done.

My ability to navigate uncharted waters and document processes highlights not only my resilience but also my compassion and foresight. By providing clear guidelines for others, I offer a sense of security and direction for those who follow, making a significant impact on their lives.I’ve never considered it before, but I have been a pioneer in many areas of my life and career. I am indeed a pioneer—this represents 17.17% of my MOVER Life Language.

I have transformed my experiences into strengths, embracing the role of a pioneer while ensuring stability and clarity for others. 🌟

• https://www.trixiscreations.com/blog

• https://trixisfaithjournaling.blogspot.com/

• http://trixisdigi-scraps.blogspot.com/

• https://trixishomeed.blogspot.com

• http://mammamiakings.blogspot.com/

• https://peacehavensa.blogspot.com/

Thank You, Lord, for my family, my friends, my "Battle Buddies" & my community.

Thank You, Lord, for my family, my friends, my “Battle Buddies,” and my community.

Father, I’m so grateful that You’ve called us to journey together. You didn’t design us to walk through life or healing alone.

Some days, it’s really hard—but I thank You for the gift of family and the brothers and sisters who walk with us. They pick us up when we fall, cheer us on when we’re weary, strengthen us when we’re weak, and sometimes even carry us when we feel like we can’t take another step.

Thank You, Lord, for the three kinds of friends You’ve placed in our lives:

• MENTORS: Godly men and women who have gone before us, showing us the way—just as Jesus did in John 13:1-20. They are spiritual fathers and mothers who pour into us.

• PEERS: Faithful companions who walk beside us, sharing wisdom and encouragement (Prov. 13:20).

• DISCIPLES: Those we invest in, the next generation we teach, guide, and serve with love (Titus 2:3-4). 🤍🌿🤍

• 
  

Lord, I ask for unity among us, that we would stand as one—supporting, loving, and reflecting Your grace and truth in every step we take together. Thank You for our community and for the strength we draw from one another.

I also thank You for the leaders and teachers You’ve placed in our lives, whose wisdom and guidance help us grow in faith and understanding.

Father, as we walk this path together, fill us with courage and strength. But most of all, Lord, I ask that You release hope into every heart—that even though this journey has been hard, we know it’s all for a purpose. You promise to work everything together for good, and we trust You with the outcome.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

Now, here's a first in about 3 decades. I think my brother will be happy to know that I have finally tried my hand at poetry again.

The painting is an art class project that would have landed in the trash can had our teacher not managed to fix up the nose I had so severely messed up.

This phrase from the Cherokee king has been spinning through my head all day since I read in the CEO report that a month's extension on my contract would be suggested. Once again, the reality hits home that good things don't last.

Psalms 61:1-3 NLT [1] O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer! [2] From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, [3] for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.

Grief is the most honest reflection of love. You would not feel so deeply if you did not have the capacity to love just as deeply, which is something to embrace in this world. Remember—you will love, and because of that, you will sometimes lose, but you will be infinitely better for it.

~ Bianca Sparacino Photography: Monnalisa Laïss©, Author, Artist

Today, my heart feels heavy and burdened with sadness. Betrayal cuts deep—especially when it comes from those we love and trust. I open my heart willingly, even knowing there’s no guarantee it will be treated with care. Too often, sweet words serve as a soothing balm, while actions carve daggers into my back.

Once again, rejection cut deep, deep wounds 💔 into my heart. I'm utterly disappointed, mostly in myself, because I perceived the wall come up and should have seen it coming. Still, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and didn't prepare myself for what would follow, and once again, the dream of a lifetime friendship has been burnt to ashes.

I find comfort in the fact that God heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. He was betrayed and rejected many times, even while on the cross, yet He chose to forgive others in that moment. Through this trauma, I have the opportunity to know Him more intimately. 

So, I will choose forgiveness once more because people are human, flawed, and fallible. I’ll grieve my losses, allow myself the time to heal, and trust that from these ashes, a stronger, wiser warrior will rise—refined by this experience and ready to step forward with new strength.

I will praise You in this storm, Lord.

Thank You, Lord, that I can trust You to walk with me through every disappointment. Help me take every thought captive that is not of You, Lord. The enemy is relentless & doesn't fight fair, but thank You for Your armour that protects me from every fiery dart the evil one shoots my way.

The testing and pruning have been severe this year, but thank You, Lord, for being my strength when I feel inadequate, ill-equipped, and weak. Without You, I will never be good enough, but You have given me everything I need for a life of Godliness.

I will overcome not by power or might but by Your Spirit. Be my strength. You give me just enough light for the step I'm on and help me trust Your guidance when I'm navigating unchartered waters.

It demands every ounce — all the love one can muster, with nothing held back or reserved for anything else. Every act of kindness, every gesture of compassion and every moment of patience—it requires all.

Nothing must be saved or held back to be spent on something else. All-consuming, unwavering, and pure. Love in its entirety is what it takes.

As Mother Theresa once eloquently put it: "It takes it ALL. Nothing to be held back to be spent on something else."

John 15:13: "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." This means that the greatest love we can show for our friends is to sacrifice ourselves for them. The emphasis lies on "laying down his life" for them. That's what Jesus did for us, and as His followers, we ought to do the same.

In the future, when I am long gone, I pray that people will remember me as someone who's spent everything generously and lavishly on those who needed to feel God's love with skin on. After all, it's not about us but about Him being glorified in and through our lives.

I had a very long day at the Hilton for the exhibition and Awards Gala Dinner yesterday. Elias picked me up at 6 am and then we picked up Bash.

We set up the booth and spent the morning in the conference and exhibition halls.

Then we spent the afternoon in the hotel lobby waiting out the day until it was time to get ready for the Gala event.

This was after a touch-up in preparation for the awards gala dinner... I didn't take any photos, but managed to get a few from others.

For the first time in my life, I didn't experience social anxiety facing 350 strangers in a crowded room after recognising displacement trauma to my decision not to attempt "fitting in" as the new kid on the block at the root of my anxiety on Wednesday evening.

Handing over awards went plain sailing...

A few weeks ago, my brother reminded me that our stepdad would tell us to think before we spoke whenever we had something to say. However, somewhere along the line, we got stuck thinking and stopped speaking altogether. 

I've spent the majority of my life withdrawn and in my head, so communication skills are one of the skills I'm going to need to focus on improving in the near future.

I have finally found my voice and the courage to speak although communication doesn't come easy yet and I have to be intentional.

Thank you all for your prayers this morning. I truly felt it shift the atmosphere.

During our UNashamed lesson, I've connected some important dots. The displacement trauma I experienced, having attended 13 schools and moved 30 times by the time I turned 18, has led me to spend my life as the "new kid on the block." I tried to fit into new environments but eventually chose to disconnect instead.

This has resulted in social anxiety and apprehension about attending the upcoming function with 350 unfamiliar faces, especially given my responsibilities as a representative of Christ and my job. I will pray about this tomorrow and should be ready to embrace the challenge on Friday. It’s not by power or might but by God's Spirit. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love 💕, power 💪, and a sound mind. His strength will be revealed in my weakness.

This morning, I'm standing in need of prayer🙏 as the internal pressure is mounting in the lead-up to my work's Awards Gala Dinner on Friday night. We're pretty much on top of all the backstage stuff, but the magnitude of "Being the Beautiful Assistant" on stage as a representative of Christ & CCNNZ just hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. So what's the big deal with that, some might ask?🤔 I'm a DOER by nature. Thus, "I'm a human BEing, not a human DOing" doesn't come naturally to me.

Those who know my story about "Investing in ME" may recognise the struggle. Those who don't can find it here https://youtu.be/nOcXAA7xc-g?si=5kE9ycEyZPCSNcWX

I've checked off all but one item on this list. I am down to "How do I express the beauty of ME?" How hard can that be, right?🤔 For me, it seems like an insurmountable mountain.

Had I not wrestled with God's promptings to invest for four years, I would have been an expert at applying makeup and being beautiful by now. But NO, I was stubborn and rebellious because I didn't want to be seen, so now I'm wrestling with the fear of messing up and being an embarrassment. Added to that, I'm beating myself up for not having responded sooner.

There's this tug-of-war between the warrior inside wanting to arise from the ashes and the little girl hiding in the closet for fear of being seen and humiliated or causing shame and disappointment for others. Dang, this stronghold of shame must come down!

I finally invested in make-up & now I have 3 days left to learn to use it for Friday's awards gala dinner.

Had I not resisted God's promptings to invest for 4 the last years, I would have been an expert by now, but NO, Patrizia was stubborn & rebellious, so now I'm having to learn the hard way.

Unfortunately, repentance doesn't remove the consequences of disobedience.

Everytime I think I'm done with my invest list, I hear the Lord say: "Wait, there's more."

How much more I wonder. I thought I'd checked it all off now but no, apparently having worn make-up at our wedding vow renewals, was not enough. I had to INVEST, since at this point in time I didn't own any.

So, with Ester's help, and just over $300 later, I checked off another item on my 4-year-old "Invest" list today. And we had loads of fun doing it whilst she got to try out the products on my face.

Now I'm down to the last one: "How do I express the beauty of me?"

For those who've been wondering about the photoshoot photos? 🤔

Honestly, I still prefer to be on the other side of the camera. Sitting down on the other side of the camera, anticipating the photoshoot, left me feeling quite awkward. I'm usually the one taking the photos and am quite happy having it that way. So much so that in 2007, after Oma Else died and I had a conversation with my cousin whom I hadn't seen in 34 years, I couldn't provide him with a recent photo of me because I had none.

I've become more intentional about doing these things, and I'm growing more confident. Yet I'm still uncomfortable with dressing up, makeup, and posing, but I'm celebrating small victories and trusting God's plan to help me as I learn to fully embrace my femininity.

I'm reminded again of Sandra's word to me during prayer ministry on 4 June 2020. Now that it's mostly checked off, I'm still working on that last point, which is the hardest for someone who prefers to hide.

The Lord wants you to invest in you personally. You're not a waste of time, money & effort.

What would that look like?

• Take time to discover what fills your creative well. ✔️

• New haircut?✔️

• New dress?✔️I had to invest in a whole new wardrobe because I didn't own any dresses.

• Take the time & money you      need for qualifications?✔️

• How can l express the beauty of ME?"

I've come a long way... BUT God's not finished with me yet.

I constantly have to remind myself it's a process, not a race or instant fix... next week, I have to add heels 👠 for a gala dinner 🍽 😏💃

Bathroom "selfie"... when your buddy pops in at your office on short notice to "fix up" your face for a photo shoot.

It's not a look you'll see all that often, so don't expect it as a regular occurrence. At this stage dresses are still reserved for Sunday morning worship team. I have not yet fully embraced them for everyday attire. As for make-up, yeah God's still working on that and we'll see soon enough how long it takes before that becomes a regular occurence.

I’m incredibly grateful for the friends and community that the Lord has placed in my life recently. I wouldn't have been able to navigate all the ups and downs I've experienced without them.

Thanks to my friend, Ester Kanaway, for popping in at the drop of a hat to make me more presentable for the company photos. You're the definition of a true friend. I'm told I looked at $1,000,000 today & couldn't have done it without her.

I woke up to this message from Ouboet on WhatsApp this morning...

💕

Each of us has a special place where we escape from our lives to break away from the sick, heartless, rushed, or overcrowded world. There, where our greatest needs and dreams arise and begin to grow within us. There, where we can shelter from our most unpleasant experiences, worries, and fears.

However, at times, someone comes along and, unnoticed, in an indescribable and remarkable way, manages to infiltrate this place quietly, leaving deep traces and making themselves at home amidst all our needs, desires, hopes, uncertainties, and fears. We allow them to share with us what is sensitive, valuable, and emotional to us, to share what no one else may share: our deepest heart secrets, concerns, needs, expectations, joys, and fears.

Within our hidden kingdom of wealth, they now create new perspectives and thus also on our lives and views. They unexpectedly open new windows and/or doors, give us new life expectations and prospects and bring out the best (unfortunately, sometimes also the worst) in us. They unknowingly claim for themselves a special hidden place or corner in our midst (hearts), and leave a remarkable footprint in our deepest beings.

♡💕♡

And then his added note that brought me to tears:

💕I had clearly written her name in the sand when we were younger, and the wind gently, slowly blew it away. But now, I have written her name in my heart where it belongs, where no rust destroys, and thieves cannot break in and steal. There in my special place, where I may and can cherish, care for, and protect it with love.

❤️Sweetheart. May she now forever make her home there with those who have become special to me over time. Yes, forever is a long time, just like never and always, right - forever, until the Lord comes to fetch us. May it bring her joy and comfort - infinitely and carry her through the length of days💖

💖💕❤️

I waited 30 years for this reconciliation 💕 Thank You, Lord, for turning Ouboet's heart 💖 back to his little sister ❤️ Ever since first reaching out to reconcile in October 2017, & his visit in April 2018, he's been my greatest cheerleader & a constant source of encouragement when the going is tough.

Today started on a very high note for me but ended in a tearful & challenging day. At the Market Makers meeting, something snapped in my heart when Pastor Jo closed the service just before Pastor Greg came up from behind & asked if I had been prayed for. I'm ashamed to admit, "Yup, I knew it; he's just like Dad; he doesn't care about me!" had popped up in my mind.

I composed myself and headed off to work. Elias was busy, so he suggested I head back home earlier than I had planned and come back after 1 p.m. when I could have his undivided attention to work through the things I needed his input on.

I didn't lie when I said I was going to be late because I had an unexpected visitor, but the real reason Ester was here is that she came to pray with me because she was there at Market Makers in the morning when I started to cry & held me long after everyone had left. She had checked in later to see if there was anything she could do for me...

There are some areas of my heart where I've broken through & progressed beautifully, but a few remaining areas where I'm still a painful mess.

I've been reading quite a bit lately...

• "Most often, those who hurt most are silent. For various reasons, we don't allow ourselves to experience the pain we feel. Therefore, the pain ends up being covered with work, alcohol, sex, drugs, depression,  compulsive eating, dieting & the endless list of acting-out behaviours to alert observers that all is not well. Having failed to scream, we are now screaming through our disorders, addictions & compulsions. To scream is normal when facing tragic events. Not to scream may reveal the extent to which we are bleeding to death on the inside."

This quote from Failure to Scream by Robert Hicks resonates with me because I still do a fair amount of pushing down before I allow myself to grieve. "You should be beyond this!" a pastor told me years ago when I went to ask for help, so now I don't ask. "Just get the hell over it!" I so often tell myself.

After a lifetime of feeling numb due to boxing up emotions because I concluded emotions were dangerous, I now feel like I'm on a roller-coaster ride at the rapid pace the Holy Spirit has been resurfacing the unresolved trauma to unpack my box 📦& believe me, sometimes it's loudly buzzing with bugs. From time to time, the volcano of boxed-up emotions erupts & today was one of those days.

I'm still learning to feel my feelings &  scream my screams. Today, my heart's been screaming on so many levels & so many tears have been rolling down my cheeks due to the severe grief of not having a mother or father I can go to with my fears & insecurities for comfort & wisdom.

Apart from healing hearts, I'm an encourager, too, & I can often see more in people than they can see in themselves. I've also felt called to be a "Spiritual Mother" to others for decades & have always been one to take the motherless & fatherless amongst my peers under my wing even though I was burying my own grief of motherlessness & fatherlessness. This weighs rather heavy on me because I feel ill-equipped not having a "spiritual father or mother" myself & therefore no modelling to know what, how & when I should be doing it.

"The Cry for Spiritual Fathers & Mothers" by Larry Kreider has been on my bookshelf for years, waiting to be read. I finally picked it up to read this week & it's been pushing so many buttons...

• "As I travel the world training leaders and potential leaders, I see a consistent and desperate need for spiritual fathers and mothers to be in vital relationships with spiritual children. Whether they are new believers, Christians for many years, or pastors, the need is still the same. Deep down inside, many are longing for spiritual fathers and mothers.

• God calls us to become spiritual parents to prepare the next generation for spiritual parenthood. He desires to restore a sense of responsibility in spiritual fathers and mothers toward their children. Spiritual parenting fills the void and closes the gap of broken relationships between the old and the young.

• Wouldn’t it be great if someone saw your potential in Christ and decided to invest in your life? This is the point of a spiritual parenting relationship—we can go a lot further spiritually if we work together in family-like units to reach the world."

I've spent my life looking for a father figure to fill the gaping void Dad's absence left in my heart. As I was reading, it suddenly dawned💡on me that's precisely what Elias has been doing. I can't express how grateful I am for the way he leads, even though I struggle to see in me what he & others see in me.

He's encouraged me in so many ways —my self-confidence and who I am in the Lord — he's pulled stuff out of me that nobody was ever able to pull out. He sees things nobody's ever noticed. Nobody's ever seen the glimpses of diamonds & gold in me... He stepped up to do what Dad so dismally failed to do, calling me forth into life to be ME. He didn't give up on me even when my heart thought it was just a matter of time before he'd be sick & tired of me.

I've been climbing the ladder of performance all my life. Neither my 2nd place in hurdles nor all my distinctions were ever acknowledged but criticised. Nobody came to cheer me on when I sang the solo or danced in the school plays... so when I came to him excited with what I had produced, like a little toddler would bring their drawing to mom & dad for acknowledgement, that's the wounded little girl inside hoping Dad will finally acknowledge her existence & achievements.

However, there's confusion that springs up my defences when I perceive his sudden change from gentle leader to "boss". There's a softness in his eyes & voice that disappears with the pressure he's under & it causes anxiety, a shutdown in trust & a temptation to hide until the softness returns & I feel safe enough to be at ease again. That's the change he sees in my eyes when he so often says, "There she is now!" And sometimes I get confused because I'm not sure where the boundaries of work & friendship are & am I even allowed to be my boss' friend? I need a friendship that lasts.

Over & over, I've waded my way across stormy uncharted waters, even learning to home-educate & write a blog to share what I discovered the hard way when school failed our boys, much like the 7-year-old in boarding school coming home to all the contents of her cupboard on the floor every day, with no reason why & no instructions on what was wrong & how to do it correctly. Just do it & when it's done, it's wrong. Once again, a task without parameters for me caused unfamiliar territories, chaos & overwhelm🤦‍♀️as seen with my response to Conference & Awards Finalist Interviews 😢 That seems to have been a pattern in my life & work. Creating order out of chaos & leaving procedure manuals for newcomers to follow. Did I mention I hate chaos?🤔 It messes with my OCD. Over & over, I've had to prove myself "good enough" to others & also myself.

Oh & then there's the case of that "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet from the UNashamed teaching series I completed for the 3rd time on Wednesday evening. Imagine my disappointment when, although a few areas have improved, I realised my life is still pretty much shame-based & that's what's driving so many of my responses, causing the stubborn resistance to change as well as the imposter syndrome & constant feeling like an intruder & a burden. I guess the next 6 weeks are going to be a rough ride 🤦‍♀️Please pray for me as I pursue taking down the stronghold of shame in my life...

Sharing my breakthroughs (highlight reels) is easy for me, but allowing people into the struggles whilst I'm in there is not so much because, in the past, too many have left when the going got tough. All too often, I have something to say, but I just can't get the words out, so please hear what I'm NOT saying.

Healing from Complex PTSD is a challenging process with many ups and downs. Confronting trauma can sometimes worsen it before it improves. Childhood trauma often leads to ingrained coping mechanisms based on fight, flight, freeze, or please responses (I do all of these), which can resurface during stress.

To manage post-traumatic stress from child abuse or neglect, it's crucial to build resilience. Despite effective therapy & healing, breaking away from these ingrained survival strategies can be difficult, and old patterns may re-emerge from time to time.

I continue to pray for enlarged capacity & the ability to keep my heart ❤️ open even when it hurts & I'm afraid of intimacy (in-to-me-see) with God & others.

I'm grateful for those who are walking this journey with me as I navigate my way through the maze of emotions & sinful responses that need to be uncovered & brought to death at the cross. I'm grateful for those around me who are so patiently loving💞 me back to life!

Two weeks ago, on Monday morning, after my experience with writing "I am loved" on 21 canvases for the Sunday school paint party (https://www.trixiscreations.com/post/uitskryf-werk), our Elijah House Keynote lesson was "How we See God." This lesson deals with how we perceive God through our trauma-tainted lenses. I have seen this lesson at least 6 times before, but this time I was undone & ended up receiving prayer ministry from Ester & Rose.

During prayer ministry, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the reason I was unable to accept that I am loved in spite of all the evidence that I am loved was that my perception & definition of love had been warped due to childhood neglect and wounding. I had come to believe & expect that to be loved was to be neglected, reprimanded, criticised, ignored, and treated unkindly. My identification of love was all skewed.

Knowledge will never overwrite experience, and even though I knew the Biblical definition of love that corresponds with my current experience, the battle between my head and my heart was fierce. Deep down in my heart, I was still expecting what I had come to believe is love before I could feel I was loved.

‭‭1 Corinthians 13:4-8 AMP‬‬

[4] Love endures with patience and serenity; love is kind and thoughtful and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. [5] It is not rude; it is not self-seeking; it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. [6] It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. [7] Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], and endures all things [without weakening]. [8] Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.

Even though I had learnt to treat others with love, kindness, dignity, and respect, I wasn't able to receive it for myself, nor was I able to treat myself in the same way.

Then, to rub it all in, on Thursday morning, at Business Leadership Group, John Maxwell's lesson dealt with his most important relationship with God & how often we have a wrong picture of God, which causes us to misunderstand & miss out on having a relationship with Him.

1. Fence

Sometimes we see God as a fence or wall that's really tall, forbidding, without doors or openings, and no way around it. We may believe in Him, but He's unreachable on the other side of the fence/wall, and there's no way to reach Him.

1. Ladder

Sometimes we see Him as a ladder that we need to climb by doing good works, doing all the right things, & trying to be a good person. We hope that if we're "good enough," we can work our way to God.

1. Garbage Can

And sometimes, we see all the negative things about ourselves that we've done, & we're looking at a filthy garbage can, and we're ashamed and feel unworthy to see God. We think we've done too much wrong, & God wouldn't want to see us, so we avoid Him."

1. Door

God is standing at the door of our hearts, gently knocking & asking to come into those unbelieving areas where we're trying to bring order by ourselves before letting Him in.

Jesus wants us to invite Him into the broken places of our hearts — deep into the core of who we are. He wants us to yield to the process so we can be filled & restored to our original design.

Already, whilst watching the video, I became emotional, felt the tears well up, and realised I didn't have any tissues in my pockets. Then it came my turn to read the paragraph, "God wants us to know Him. He wants a relationship with us. And you need to understand something. If God is 1,000 steps away from you, He will take the first 999 steps to get to you. All He asks you & me to do is take one step." By the time I got to 999, I lost my composure and ran out of the meeting in tears. My first instinct was to get into my car and rush back home, but instead I ran up to the bathroom to let the tears flow, composed myself, and a few minutes later, headed back into the meeting.

The reflection questions are always the hardest for me; however, here's how I related to these four pictures of God:

When I hardened my heart even before birth, when I felt the unsafe post-abortion environment, I built the wall that shut God and others out. I've subsequently spent my life trying to climb the ladder of doing & am still struggling with the garbage of my mistakes, which has prevented me from fully stepping through the door that I've seen in visions on numerous occasions during prayer ministry. He left the 99 to come find ME!

I recognise that I need to be more intentional about recognising when I'm tempted to put up walls, climb the ladder, or revert back to the garbage can when I'm dealing with issues that seem too hard to face.

My battle is not yet over, because last night we started Sandra's UNashamed teaching series, and from the get-go, even though this was my 3rd time working through the "Shame? Who? Me?" worksheet, and I have improved in many areas, but my life is still pretty much shame-based.

I'm grateful that God has placed me in a family to help me through the process of sanctification and transformation so He may be glorified.

And still, God's love, kindness, and favour are pouring in. I just received this from my brother on WhatsApp, and he even included a beautiful poem for me...❤️ Sometimes these posts come when least expected, but always when they're needed.

💕Jesus Loves Me💕
*For the elderly*

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta honouring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age. After a warm welcome introduction of this speaker, as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gate to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak.

"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me... The only thing that would comfort was this verse...:

"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong.
We are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me... x3
The Bible tells me so." "

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his footsteps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated: "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn singing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest, because I could see they knew it the best."

Senior version of:
"Jesus Loves Me"
Here is a new version for those who have white hair or no hair at all; for those over middle age (or even those almost there) and all others who dare to enjoy.

💖Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair are white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me: trust in Him.

CHORUS
《YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.
THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.》

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go.
In rough times, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.

CHORUS《 ... 》

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."

CHORUS《 ... 》

When my work on earth is done,
And life's vict'ries have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.

CHORUS《 ... 》

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

CHORUS《 ... 》

......

Every day is a gift ..
that's why it's called ...the Present.

Feel free to pass it on
"Reach out and Touch"
a friend;
a loved one;)))

or a neady heart.

Therefor may this to you truely be a present from this day onwards. As from my side:

❤️ Yes, Jesus loves you...x3
The Bible tells me so.

Ev'ry day's a gift of God.
Treasure it, and let it not
all go by without to say
that you love Him true today.

Chorus
For Jesus loves you
like He loves me too.
Yes it is all true.
The Bible tells us so.

As we close our eyes tonight
may this song bring you delight.
He'll be there 'till comes day light;
always being by our side.

Chorus
For Jesus loves you
like He loves me too.
Yes it is all true.
The Bible tells us so.

May Lords Hand guard over you,
noting that you love Him too.
May your heart be ever true
and your soal stay good as new.

Yes, Jesus loves you.
like Jesus loves me.
Yes, I know He does too.
The Bible tells me so.📷

Hebrews 4:15-16 reminds us that we have a high priest who empathises with our weaknesses, having been tempted in every way, yet without sin. He encourages us to approach God's throne of grace with confidence, to receive mercy and find grace in our time of need.

The concept of **hematidrosis** (or sweating blood) is a rare but real condition, often associated with extreme stress or fear. Jesus' experience in the Garden of Gethsemane, where He sweat blood, underscores the immense emotional and physical agony He endured on our behalf.

Vulnerability and processing emotions is crucial. Jesus' openness in His time of grief and His request for companionship highlight the importance of community and honesty in our own struggles. It's a powerful reminder that even in our deepest pain, we can turn to God and those around us for support.

When my boss tells me not to beat myself up, it feels a little too late for that. I've been doing just that since before I left work, over mistakes I've made. On a positive note, though, it’s not as intense as it used to be.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a pressure cooker. Even my watch keeps reminding me to breathe, and I can feel it manifesting in my body—turns out the coughing is due to asthma, which tends to flare up every couple of decades when something triggers this extreme anxiety. I suspect the backaches might be related as well. 

Something about the awards interviews has been stressing me out, and I can't pinpoint why. Proving myself to myself is not an easy task. 🤦‍♀️ This morning, I realized I gave someone the wrong date, which makes me feel quite foolish. After all my triple-checking, I'm now tempted to check everything repeatedly. 🤦‍♀️🤔 I’ll probably relax once the interviews are over and nothing has gone wrong.

At least I’m learning to write apology emails… Oh, the shame! I suspect the upcoming series on shame will help me break down some strongholds. I hear the Lord saying there’s more to come.

I’ll get there if it’s the last thing I do. It’s not by power or might, but by the Spirit of the Lord. In my weakness, God’s strength will be revealed. Just as Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him, I can embrace this difficult journey because the breakthrough will lead to greater freedom.

When we're triggered, all rational thinking goes out the window, and the battle between the head and the heart kicks in.

Unresolved trauma is stored as raw data in the amygdala, which is almost mature at birth.

The amygdala:

• Processes emotional value & stimulus

• Bypasses language & cognition

• Overrides the prefrontal cortex (rational thinking

• Overrides neo-cortex (logic)

• Shame defies logic & reason because it lives in the amygdala

We also know that the heart always wins when there's a battle between the head and the heart. It's what's in the heart that defiles us.

The judgments, expectations, inner vows and lies that we have come to believe in childhood take on a life of their own & when we're squeezed through stress & pressure, what's in the heart pours out of us.

Sometimes, we meet people who "push all our buttons" & trigger us into oblivion. These people create an opportunity for us to dig deeper to find out why those buttons exist so we can bring healing to the wounds & put our sinful responses to death on the cross. We don't need to remain trapped in those old ways of responding & bleeding all over those around us...

Healing is hard, but so is remaining in pain... CHOOSE your hard.

On the other side of healing is FREEDOM, joy & peace.

En daar tjank ek toe snot en trane want die Here gee vir my uit-skryf-werk.

Once again, God is up to something...

This morning I spent an hour pre-tracing these canvases for tomorrow's children's church paint party and then I felt prompted to do the text with sharpie so that it would still be visible after painting the heart.

What I didn't anticipate, however, was the inner turmoil that would result after having spent the last few weeks with overwhelm of out of control & chaos. Then this week I wrestled with intense feelings of being an intruder with no idea where that's coming from. 🤔

Back in the day, my stepdad used to tell us to think before we speak, every time we had something to say, but somewhere along the line I got stuck at thinking.🤔 It's amazing how much overthinking one can do whilst doing such a mundane task for 2 hours.

With each canvas, taking about 10 minutes, I felt like a schoolgirl being disciplined or corrected.

• You are loved

• You are loved

• You are loved

• …… x 18

Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out. When Clive found me crying & asked why, all that came out was: "Want die Here gee vir my uitskryf werk!" (Because the Lord gave me write-out work!) His first response was hysterical laughing, but then he noted there's been more than enough evidence that I am indeed loved very much & the reason I'm finding it so hard to accept is that I do not love myself.

I've been seeing God's kindness & favour in big & small ways all over of late. Dad's "Me too!" after I plucked up the courage to tell him I love him, struck quite a nerve.

The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ THROUGH his people. I'm truly grateful for the people He has placed in my life to love me back to life. My stony heart is melting slowly with daily, intentional efforts to keep my heart open even when it hurts. However, there are still some unbelieving areas of my heart that have yet to be to be touched & overcome by the love of Christ in this journey of sanctification & transformation.

And so, thank You Lord, that You are with me in the fire & that it's all unto something. What the enemy meant for evil, You will use for good. Thank you for Your oil of joy & peace that surpasses all understanding.

And so, Father in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all fear to effective death at the Cross of Christ. Help me uproot every area of my life that is producing fruit that's unbecoming & doesn't bring You glory.

Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone. Lord, would you give me safe people that I can be open & vulnerable with.

Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace today.

Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey.

Jesus, I need more of You. And so, Lord, if there's anything obstructing or hindering that I would be with You, I give You permission today to reveal it to me. Give me the will to do Your will to do Your good pleasure today. Thank You Lord.

In Jesus's Name I pray

Amen

Imagine my surprise last Sunday when one of our elders messaged me to ask if I'd be willing do a paint party for the children's church to kick off the new term, that's about 20 children. However, I was already scheduled to be on worship team so now I'm doing said paint party this coming weekend during the morning service...

Then, fortunately I was up at like 5h30 this morning & when, to my surprise, around 6am dad phoned. A man who in the past wouldn't speak more than 2 or 3 sentences suddenly chatting for 25 minutes. That must be a new record. Just before he hung up, I told him I love him & for the first time in my life he replied: "you too!" That's the closest I've ever gotten to the "I love you" from dad that I've been waiting 54 years to year.

Could it be this prophecy I received from Pastor Mike Berry in November 1991 is finally being fulfilled?🤔

"There's been a war in your house, a tremendous war. It's almost been times where it's been extremely violent & it's principality & powers that's warred against you.

And it's been times when you've prayed & prayed: "God give deliverance! God give deliverance!" And you didn't even think God was listening to you. You felt like God has shut the heavens against you & you said: "I don't know how God's going to answer."

But it's been like a braze from heaven. God is breaking through right now. And the thing He's promised you in your prayer times & the times that you've worshipped God in this place & the things that you're seen in your life, God has come through & revealed things to you. God is going to do that in your life & in your family's life.

He's going to set that place free & break that spirit that's been over that place in the Name of Jesus!

He's going to turn the hearts of the sons to their fathers the hearts of the fathers to their sons. He's going to remove the heart of stone & give you a heart of flesh."

It took me almost 30 years to realise the heart of stone he was speaking about was mine...

I never argued and fitted in exactly with what others thought was right for me to do. I never realised just how passive I really was, having deeply buried my emotions and personhood to the point that I did not know I had them!

We form hearts of stone early in childhood as a defence to shield ourselves from pain. These barriers are reinforced by our judgments, expectations, and inner vows, ultimately leading to a profound sense of loneliness, even when surrounded by friends. A heart of stone is by nature private, tends to die slowly & affects relationship with Christ.

The heart of stone must be loved back to life by Christ & He does that THROUGH His children, through love, nurture, fellowship, appropriate touch & hugs in community with others. It needs relationship. It needs God with skin on! It needs to know it's a person with feelings and needs.

Over the past few months I've been very intentional in building relationships, loving others back to life & allowing others to do the same for me. Sandra says we need at least 12 hugs a day to survive, so I give lots of hugs & in giving hugs we also receive them.

When you come across a heart of stone pushing back, love louder. Allow Christ's love & compassion to flow through you to love them back to life.

Lately I'm seeing the Lord's favour in the most unexpected places...

I received this via WhatsApp from a dear friend this evening: "In my study through the Psalms, I came across this verse today: Psalm 17:8 "Keep me as the apple of Your eye."

The word apple is the Hebrew word for pupil of the eye and the word "eye" is the word bath in Hebrew that means "daughter". My interpretation of this is: Keep me, Your daughter, in the center of Your sight.

The rest of the verse says: "Hide me under the shadow of Your wings." Which is a reminder of Psalm 91.

God has His eyes fixed on you and He is covering you under the feathers of His wings."

"You Are Loved!" is the painting chosen for this weekend's painting... how fitting... as it speaks to my own heart today.

Once again I heard the Lord say: "Invest!", as I was spending time with Him in the early hours this morning.

A few weeks ago I shared my story of invest & what it could look like, that has now been checked off in full after wrestling with it for 4 years, with Peter, our Elijah House leader on the North Shore. He saw it very differently from how I saw it. He saw it as God investing in me because He's going to get a big return for the Kingdom.

I feel like the Lord is saying the time, energy and resources being invested in Healing heARTs & CCNNZ will bring a mighty harvest for His Kingdom.

Focus on knowing Him more and making Him known to others. Continue to be faithful in little. Just as He left the 99 to find the 1 missing sheep, so should we show up even if there's only 1 recipient.

As we shine His light and radiate His glory, more people will be drawn to Him, be healed and ultimately get to know Him. We are indeed planting seeds that will bring a mighty harvest for God's Kingdom.

By the way, pleasing your boss is Scriptural according to Colossians 3:22-25 CEV

[22] Slaves, you must always obey your earthly masters. Try to please them at all times, and not just when you think they are watching. Honor the Lord and serve your masters with your whole heart. [23] Do your work willingly, as though you were serving the Lord himself, and not just your earthly master. [24] In fact, the Lord Christ is the one you are really serving, and you know he will reward you. [25] But Christ has no favorites! He will punish evil people, just as they deserve.

Sometimes, transformation may feel like CHAOS...

This week I realised just how easily we get tempted to revert back to our old sinful responses when familiar feelings are triggered & we feel crushed.

As I've been processing Tuesday's meltdown, I realised it's not so much what happens to us, but how it makes us feel that trips us up & causes us to revert back to what worked before to help self-medicate the pain. I don't think it was a coincidence that Ouboet shared those painful memories I had buried, with me earlier that morning…

There's absolutely no correlation to the post-divorce experiences as a child that Ouboet shared with me & the current upheaval around having to organise a huge event that seems way beyond my abilities. However the feelings of turmoil, chaos, uncertainty, inadequacy, nervousness & being out-of-control that have resurfaced, are the same & ultimately lead to angst, overwhelm & fear of rejection, with my first response being withdrawal & trying to help myself, when in fact, these are the times I should be reaching & accepting the support that's been offered.

Ouboet also gave me a key to the overthinking... Whenever we had something to say, our stepdad always told us to think before we speak. Somewhere along the line we got stuck at thinking.

I was reminded of a little girl maybe, 3 or 4 years old, hiding in the closet because of the anger & chaos in the home with fighting, that & crockery being flung across the room, a memory I had doubted true for decades but was confirmed by my brother when he reached out to reconcile after ignoring me for 30 years.

Deep down, there's still a little girl, hiding in the dark closet, believing she's too tiny to do anything about this chaos & nobody's going to come to help. When those triggers hit, there's no rationalising what's happening. Those responses are so deeply ingrained into the autopilot that only Holy Spirit can help us get to the root to lay an axe.

And so, the Holy Spirit has brought to the surface some more fruit that's unbecoming & leads me to dig deeper in order to get to the root of that fruit, that's symptomatic from sinful responses to wounding. I know He will help me discover where in childhood, I have sown seeds of dishonour so we can lay the axe to those roots & bring freedom from the angst & overwhelm caused by change & perceived chaos.

Lord, thank You for helping me get to the root of my sinful responses & please also help me keep my heart open, when everything inside me screams: "Shut down!"

Thank You that You have never failed me yet & that even in this turmoil of learning to feel my once buried emotions, I can know You will turn it all for good. It's all unto something.

‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1‬ ‭NLT‬
[1] Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

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What's on your mind? Facebook asks...

A conference for 250 people is the biggest I've ever organised, but the biggest I've ever organised is our wedding and anniversary dinner for 50. The enormity of it all really hit home last week when we went to view the venues. That's a huge space and a lot of people for someone with a lifelong struggle with social anxiety.

Will I sink or swim?🤔

You know that moment when you don't know what you're doing & you think you're going to mess it all up & are feeling totally out of control? Panic stations hit hard this morning. It feels a lot like audition anxiety used to feel 😕

I don't have any experience or checklists I can draw on to bring order to my chaos. I'm feeling out of control, and it's triggering childhood out-of-control chaos.

I sure wish I believed in myself as much as the people surrounding me do.

And on top of that Ouboet shared some post divorce memories I had buried, this morning but they hit a trigger switch big time.😭 Along with some other things, he said some attributes remain as we grow up, but our silence came from stepdad, who always told us to think before we speak. Somewhere along the line, we got stuck in thinking.  🤔

Yet another process to work through in my rapid succession this year...😢🫠😪 Another battle between my head 🧠 & my heart ❤️ that needs to be resolved.

I've gotta pull myself closer to myself, as Clive always tells me when I freak out... I have places to go & people to see today.

That's pretty much what I'm thinking & feeling right now🤦‍♀️

Oh God, oh God, oh God, don't let me mess this up.

Lord Jesus, I invite You to come as the Prince of Peace & bring Your peace to my heart today. Would You help me take captive my anxious thoughts & bring them under submission to Your Word?

Holy Spirit, would You give me a word, a picture, or a memory to help me track where in my little girl's heart I have come to believe the lies that I'm incapable and ill-equipped so we can lay an axe to the root? Lord, would You bring healing to that little girl's heart that felt lost and alone in the chaos of her life?

Father, in any area of my life where I've come to believe False Evidence Appearing Real, would You shine your light on the LIES & help me to bring all FEAR to effective death at the Cross of Christ?

You have not given me a spirit of fear but of Love, power, and a sound mind. It's not by power or might but by Your Spirit. Lord, would You come into my weakness and reveal Your strength?

Thank You, Lord.

Note to self:

God can do so much more with your surrender than you'll ever do with your control. God will handle what you can't handle yourself. It's okay to ask for His help. He loves you. No matter what you're going through in your life, God will forever be by your side. "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Yes, I can't do it alone, but He has put people in my life to help me through the hard lessons. I just have to learn that it's okay to accept help, and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Due to displacement trauma, caused by many moves & 6 schools by the age of 7, I had come to expect that friendships don't last & vowed as a "new kid on the block", not to make an effort to break into existing groups, so for me it's especially hard & I have to make intentional efforts that go against what has been my "autopilot" all my life.

Here's my prayer to combat this:

Holy Spirit, I invite You in Your fullness into every place within my heart where there's a fear of vulnerability or there might even be a fear of opening up that door or a fear Lord, of how messy it might be or that I might cry in front of someone.

Lord, I pray that You would draw to the cross the fears, anxieties & old ways of having to be proper, sophisticated & have it all together. Lord, would You release Your grace in my heart today?

Lord, release Your peace. Release Your perfect love which casts out all fear. Release Your honour which would cast out the shame on this journey. Lord I refuse shame in Jesus Name & I declare shame will not have its way, or keep me glued to my seat & glued to this place of having to look good & sound good.

In a realm of my ordinary existence, whilst working at Sanlam Unit Trusts in Cape Town some 30 years ago, I once radiated extraordinary joy, singing my way through the corridors and into the hearts of my friends and colleagues.

I'm certain my friends & colleagues, Sandra, Lorraine, Laurette, Santa & others from those days, will be happy to hear that my melodic presence has been largely revived, transcending the life of mere existence & disconnect I once knew.