For far too long, the fear of failure and rejection has held me captive, ensnaring me in a cycle of procrastination, silencing my creativity, stifling my growth and holding me back from my true purpose. so many people have told me that my story of overcoming a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts should go global, but I believed the lies that I wasn’t good enough — that I couldn’t sing, dance, draw, paint, write, or speak. But over the past six years, those lies have been dismantled one by one, leading me to rediscover creativity as a path to faith, healing, and joy.

But for decades, I buried my creativity under life’s responsibilities and a mountain of lies — I can’t sing, dance, draw, paint, write or speak! But When it came to creativity, I once believed the lies:

• "I can't sing!"

• "I can't dance!"

• "I can't draw!"

• "I can't paint!"

• "I can't write!"

• "I can't speak!"

• "I'm not good enough!"

• "I'm not creative!"

But over the past six years, those lies have been dismantled — one by one, each one with a unique story — until only two remained:

• "I can't write!", and

• "I can't speak in public!"

Rediscovering creativity became an expression of faith, a source for healing 💔heARTs💞, and a path to joy and overcoming depression.

In December, I realised that if I was ever going to step into my purpose of taking God’s healing to the nations, I needed help to overcome my paralysing fear of public speaking. So, I signed up for the Speakers Institute bootcamp. Once again, I'm in awe of how God miraculously orchestrated the opportunity and provided the finances.

Facing the Fear

Walking into the room on Wednesday, I was super nervous, unsure, and questioning whether I had what it took. Within the first hour, I felt my emotions welling up — tears threatening to burst out. It became painfully evident: I needed to give myself permission to take up my space. For too long, I had lived with survivor’s guilt, believing my aborted brother should have lived instead of me. For decades, I was stuck in my head, conditioned by my stepdad’s constant reminder, "Think before you speak!" every time I had something to say. Somewhere along the line, I got stuck thinking — so much that I convinced myself my voice had no value and nobody would listen anyway.

But then, there I was — standing at the front of the room filled with strangers, in tears, reframing my limiting beliefs:

✨ I am worthy of love.

✨ I am allowed to take up space.

✨ My voice has value.

✨ My story of hope and healing is worth hearing.

I was utterly exposed, and there was nowhere to hide. But I felt safe. The team and my fellow participants held my heart lightly, and I am so grateful for that.

The Breaking Point

This wasn’t just a public speaking challenge — it was an internal struggle that would get much worse before it got better. Every hesitation, every doubt, was on full display. I learned that the way I communicate is a reflection of how I feel about myself. The limiting factor was ME!

Those of you who have followed my journey know my lifelong struggle with self-hatred. I’ve come a long way, but I haven’t yet arrived at loving myself. I had lost myself in compliance and people-pleasing, desperate for love and acceptance.

Another reason I joined the boot camp was my struggle to articulate myself and build lasting relationships. Imagine my surprise when my strengths report revealed that I lead relationally. How could that be possible when I had spent years feeling disconnected? I had forgotten who I was and instead learned to be who I thought others needed me to be. I didn't even think I could connect and build lasting relationships.

I had the test to prove that I already am all that I so desperately wanted to be. One by one, my fellow participants reflected back to me what I had long forgotten:

💖 Lovable

💖 Heartfelt

💖 Compassionate

💖 Real

💖 Generous

With every piece of feedback, I felt the weight and the struggle of breakthrough approaching — confirming every single word of breakthrough God had been speaking over me in recent months.

Jesus came to heal the broken-hearted and bind up their wounds. He has done just that for me countless times.

One thing was certain — "Healing 💔heARTs💞" would be my disruptive idea. Those of you waiting for the book I’ve been so reluctant to write may be pleased to know:

📖 Title: Healing 💔heARTs💞

📖 Subtitle: Restoring Joy through Faith, Creativity & the Journey of Healing 💔heARTs💞, Transformation & Overcoming Depression.

I finally have a title. A message. A calling. God wants to heal your heart!❤️ Coming up with a title and thread was the easy part.

Diamonds are Formed Under Pressure and oh boy, did I feel the pressure!

Sounds easy, right? Not quite!

The one-minute pitch felt like an impossible task — how do you condense a lifetime into sixty seconds? Easy peasy, right?🤔 Nope! There's just something about that timer in the back of the room that creates the feeling of a ticking timebomb. It puts the pressure on, and somehow, the brain kind of goes haywire.

And then came the six-minute presentation. Overachiever me had done her homework — written it all out, created slides, memorised every word. I even rehearsed it on the church stage for weeks before every encounter group. But nothing could have prepared me for the real thing.

When it was time to present, everything changed.

No notes. No safety net. Just me and a room full of people who one day prior were mere strangers. Every hesitation and every doubt was on full display.

I shared parts of my story that I’d told many times before — but never without notes, never in front of strangers. The battle was real. My mind went blank. I swayed anxiously, wrestling with emotions threatening to overwhelm me. There was nothing to fall back on now, memory joggers. I had to reach into my heart, but I'd spent a lifetime in my head, and the battle was real. I forgot some key lines — including my disruptive idea! The sense of failure upon completion was overwhelming.

The Turning Point

And then came the feedback. I don’t remember much of it — except for Demian’s words:

"I can say with full authority — you are on the threshold of a breakthrough. You are a messenger of joy. And I really acknowledge that. I love the way that you smile first with your eyes. They say a smile is not just a mouth; it's the eyes. But you smile first with your eyes. And there is something quite captivating about that. And in that sense, you're a messenger of joy."

It hit me. I am a messenger of joy. Trixi, after all, means "Bringer of Joy!"

Afterwards, some more learning, but how does one even remember to apply all this learning when you're trying your best just to remember your lines? But this was training at another level. In just three days and 15 complete strangers who walked in with fear, self-doubt, imposter syndrome. Trust the process, we were told on numerous occasions, but how do you trust the process when you don't even trust yourself? 🤔

I spent the rest of Friday night until late finetuning & rehearsing until 12:30 am. By 4:30 am, I was up again and stood in front of the window — and suddenly, everything I had spent weeks memorizing knew by heart was gone. I couldn't even remember the bullet points. Sheer panic set in. I felt a crushing weight on my chest. Tears flowed relentlessly. I was reminded of Sandra's word of knowledge during Elijah House A-School in July 2021. "I see you pushing a huge ball up the hill, but there's pushback & you think you can't do it... It's demons trying to hold you back!"

This battle was fierce & I spent the next 2 hours crying I battled for two hours until Clive came downstairs, wondering why I hadn’t showered yet. And then — I fell apart again. He prayed for me until I calmed down.

From Uncertain to Unstoppable

Finally, it was crunch time.

Divided into two groups, I was in the first. And, of course, I was second in line. Before I knew it I was Mic’d up, waiting  in line to present my 6-minutes. Heart pounding. Tears barely held at bay.

I stepped up. I felt myself get stuck several times, but then suddenly — something shifted. I owned the stage. I owned my voice. I claimed my story.

I don’t know how many lines I missed. I don’t remember Sam’s feedback. I’ll have to wait for the video to find out. But for now, I don’t really care — because I did it.

I faced my worst fears and refused to back down to go from uncertain to unstoppable in just 6 minutes.

Walking back down the aisle, I was met with high-fives from my fellow participants. The retaining walls came crashing down, and tears flowed freely. A coach embraced me as I sobbed, holding me until I settled enough to take my seat to observe the rest of the presentations.

A New Chapter Begins

We had a few more lessons and a cocktail party before we finished, but in just 3 days, 15 strangers became friends—bonded by shared struggles and insecurities and a team of loving, compassionate coaches who believed in us when we didn’t believe in ourselves.

One thing I know for certain — next time someone says, I see you speaking on stages worldwide or in stadiums, I won’t say, "Hell no!"  Instead, I’ll say, "Yes, Lord. Send me."

Restoring joy through faith, creativity & the journey to Healing 💔heARTs💞, transformation & overcoming depression — is a story worth sharing. A story that will bring hope and healing to those who, like I once did before God lifted me from the pit, are merely existing.

✨ Now, I step forward — no longer uncertain but unstoppable. ✨