I did D-School in July last year thinking it would be a breeze because I'd dealt with all the issues on the index, until we got to the lesson on SPIRITUAL REBELLION. I learnt every person is deeply in spiritual rebellion & in need of being reconciled with Him. 3The foolishness of a person ruins his way, And his heart rages against the Lord. Proverbs 19:3 It's not sin to desire relief from painful or difficult circumstances, but this lesson speaks to the way we reject our lives & ourselves, thus rebelling against God who created us. As a little girl, I thought I should have been a boy so daddy would love me too. If our rebellion remains unhealed it will affect us spiritually, physically & emotionally.

I also dishonoured & rebelled against God by

• turning from life in the womb      when I decided “I shouldn’t be here”,

• hating my names,

• rejecting myself & the      girl He created me to be,

• not believing His truths      about me &

• not being authentic to name      just a few aspects of dishonour & rebellion towards God.

I also learnt that you can't bear fruit unless you abide in the Resurrection. The cross is just the starting point. We must not stay there. Only the Lord knows the hearts of all men. Judgement is wrong because there's bitterness towards the person & we identify them by their mistakes. Because of trauma caused by drunkards in my life, I used to hate anyone who was drunk & in our early years of marriage Clive wasn't even allowed to come near me if he'd consumed any alcohol but today, I can no longer look at a drunk person without asking what the trauma behind the addiction is because ALL addictions are rooted in trauma. Although some addictions are harmless, others are destructive to those around us whilst others are self-destructive. When we see more than our judgement in people it sets them free.

A few more truths I received during D-School group ministry:

• You're a human BEING not a      human doing

• Come my child, my chosen one,      my daughter.

• Stop doing, rest in Him.

• Father of Peace - "My      peace I give to you, My Peace, I leave with you.

• There is nothing wrong      with me." Abide in Him, breathe in Him, His Peace.

• A GOD of LOVE. Allow yourself      to rest & just be.

• God called you by name. He      defined Patrizia (meaning: of noble birth).

• Learn to stay in that Peace.      He goes before you. He will show you the way.

After my group ministry session, I heard the Lord say: "BUT wait, there's more..." apparently, He's not finished with me yet. The Holy Spirit is gentle & takes through the journey as He peels of the layers one at a time like the layers of an onion, but He will not do it unless we allow Him.

These encouraging words received after completing D-School were so totally on the ball with what I've felt all my life & I know that many in the church have had similar struggles & would relate to these...

• I get Pinocchio. You know he      wanted to be a real boy & he did become a real boy. He had the      carpenter. There was love there. He wanted a boy. He wanted a son &      the Father wants His children. I see Him bringing you into your real      identity, that you'll be able to live life. End of the strings. Thank You      Lord, we bless the newness. We bless the realness. We bless Your love for      your daughter, hallelujah. Pinocchio's father's place was a toyshop,      right? Have FUN. Have fun with the Father. Bless you.

• Bless you beautiful. Lord we      just thank you for your amazing grace & amazing transformation that's      just reflecting the glory of the Lord. And we with unveiled faces      beholding as in a mirror are being transformed from glory to glory into      the likeness of the Son. 2 Corinthians 3:18 I was so blessed when I saw      you dancing there well before we started & I just declare fulness of      joy in His presence & dancing queen for the King. I just feel like      there's a coming home for you. It's like "now I fit. I have a home. I      have a country. I have identity. I have a culture. It's okay to be me. I'm      home in the Father's house & it's gorgeous. It's amazing.

• I just declare the boundary      lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. The boundary lines have      fallen for me in pleasant places; surely, I have a delightful inheritance.      I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs      me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand,      I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:6-8

During Elijah House A-School, Sandra had a vision of the Lord wanting to give a mantel of nobility. God had been speaking to me about my name, meaning of noble birth, for a while & I felt it was for me but due to my shame & guilt strongholds was unable to receive it.   At C-School the lord addressed the trauma around my molestation as a teen that had become the foundation of my shame & false guilt strongholds. The lies around my idtentity have been rooted quite deep.  At D-School group ministry the Lord dealt wth some stuckness & some more issues around my identity. as well as my spiritual rebellion in that I had hated myself & my names all my life & had turned from life & rejected myself. On my way to schooll on Friday morning, God reminded me the mantel of nobility is still mine & I  was finally able to receive it.

C-School in April 2022 was the hardest for me because the lessons dealt with sexual abuse trauma. Honestly, I don't remember any of the lessons except, Sandra's comment that we must embrace the fireball of pain to get to our healing & that I cried through most of week's lessons & resisted the urge to run from group sessions all week.

For the first time since it happened to me as a 12-year-old, I had to admit, molestation is sexual abuse.

I felt:

• Violated

• Shame

• Confusion

• Anger

• Betrayed

I protected myself through dissociation & escape. I had told nobody but lived with the secret, guilt & shame for so long that it was affecting my marriage because I lost my ability to "grin & bear it" & was no longer able to tolerate being touched. About 20 years ago, I stopped wearing dresses, taking care of myself & looking pretty, under the guise of comfort, but recently realised it was a stronghold of self-protection because of unwelcome touch & I was losing my ability to "grin & bear it" because I had suppressed the trauma of sexual abuse for so long. I didn’t want to be touched, seen, or noticed. I heard the Lord remind me of the word during prayer ministry with Sandra & suddenly it dawned on me that COMFORT was the LIE hiding the real reason I had let go of myself much like "I can't sing / draw / paint" were the LIES hiding my fear of not being good enough. After 2 years wrestling with it, I finally realised INVEST meant embracing the "girly girl" He created me to be & yes, invest in new dresses & everything else that required.

When the thought of renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary crossed my mind, I shrugged it off as a totally crazy idea because I was in shambles & suicidal back then. But then the prompting returned on my way to C-School & I still thought it was a crazy idea but then Sandee confirmed it as a God-idea in August with her vision of us after prayer ministry & that celebration is a testimony on it’s own birthed out of the healing of my heart.

We dismantled the stronghold of denial & henceforth there will be NO more minimisation & denial of pain & trauma. These dismantled strongholds have brought the most noticeable change & freedom in me because the strongholds of guilt & shame affect our courage & ability to be vulnerable around people. "You are glowing" I 've hear people say on numerous occasions since when I tell of what God has done.

On Thursday evening at the Elijah House gathering, I shared my story of my healing ministry journey & how God delivered me from a lifelong struggle with depression & suicidal thoughts to my latest deliverance & dismantling of the stronghold of denial, minimisation of trauma & shame in order to survive & protect my heart. 

Throughout my life, my sinful responses, bitter root judgements, bitter expectancies & inner vows resulted repeated trauma & my withdrawal, heart of stone & slumbering spirit, the few remaining of many strongholds of self-protection that I've had in my life. These remaining trauma responses require the Lord loving me back to life through His people but up to C-School healing ministry my self-protection has hindered me from allowing people & even God too close in order to do that. 

We are hurt in relationships & these issues can only be healed in relationships. Intimacy (into me see) however, has been one of my biggest struggles because of shame vulnerability & allowing people to see into me has been extremely hard.  Oom Was shared this poem with me during our conversation after the gathering. It resonated with me & I just couldn't resist decorating it for sharing.

Having an identity is one of the most important things to our human nature. "Personal identity” is tied to our self-worth, how we see ourselves represented on a broad global stage among 7 billion other people.

A name is your identity. It’s what people call you. It’s what you respond to. It’s what you understand about yourself. From the day we are born, we are assigned this identifier. Some people get nicknames or change their name entirely after they are born, but the common thread is a NAME. Every single thing on planet Earth has a name. PATRIZIA: • Meaning of 444 in the Bible: 444 is a symbol of God's righteousness in the bible. • Meaning: The meaning of the name Patricia is: a patrician (an aristocrat or nobleman), of noble birth/descent. TRIXI: • bringer of joy • Meaning: bringer of joy. Trixie as a girl's name is of English origin meaning "bringer of joy." I have spent my life shying away from my name because I had disassociated from myself & people always struggled to pronounce it & would end up giving me nicknames Pat, Patat, Trish to name a few. I've lived by Trys for much of my life & after moving to New Zealand I reverted to Trixi, a nickname my grandmother had given me before we left Germany & was revived during my visit 34 years later after her death. I reverted to Trixi in an attempt to dissociate from my past because Patrizia & Trys reminded me of all the pain & trauma I had experienced throughout my life. All my life, I hated my name (which I learnt last year is actually spiritual rebellion), but after prayer ministry in May 2021, I was told to claim my name back. It's taken a long time, but I've finally embraced my name... & really appreciate those all the more who call me Patrizia.

In May last year during the Elijah House Loved, Chosen, Free seminar prayer ministry demo to dismantle my foundational lie, "I am a mistake!", quite oddly Sandra asked me if Trixi was my real name & I said no, my name is Patrizia. She wrote it on her notes & continued ministry. During the lunch break a lady asked me if I knew what my name meant. I didn't but she had checked... Patrizia (a name I've shied away from all my life) means of noble birth & Trixi means bringer of joy. She insisted I ought to reclaim my name. God gave humanity the authority to name things & invest it with all that a name carries: Identity, destiny & calling.

However for most of my life I was known as Trys which has no connection whatsoever to any my names...

A few weeks later it dawned on me that the enemy had attacked me on the area of my identity even before birth when mom wanted to call me Elisabeth meaning blessing of God but Oma insisted she give me a decent name because all the women in our family before mom were Elisabeth.

During A-School group prayer ministry we prayed through the issues with accepting my name & I have since taken full ownership of it hence I now introduce myself as "My name is Patrizia but if you struggle to pronounce it, you may call me Trixi.

In January, during EH B-School, Sandra had a vision saying: "I see the Lord with a mantle of nobility. It's yours if you wish to claim it." I felt she was talking to me but due to my stronghold of denial, guilt, shame & a hardened heart I was unable to accept it at the time.

Last week's EH C-School was all about shame & sexual abuse. For the first time since it happened to me 40 years ago, it dawned on me that molestation IS sexual abuse & I was shaken to the core but I had to embrace the fireball of pain in order to get to my healing. All these years I have coped by denying the severity of my abuser's actions & suppressing all the resulting trauma & emotions as well as blaming myself & hardening my heart. During group prayer ministry on Thursday afternoon, the Lord exposed the lies, denial, false guilt & shame subsequently dismantling my biggest stronghold yet.

On Friday morning whilst driving to our last day of classes, the Lord reminded me of Sandra's vision about the mantle & then I heard Him say: "It's still yours, my child, come take your mantle."

A person's name is the greatest connection to their own identity and individuality. Some might say it is the most important word in the world to that person. ... When someone remembers our name after meeting us, we feel respected and more important. It makes a positive and lasting impression on us.

I received this vision from Joy during my Elijah House C-School prayer ministry session:

I heard FAITHFUL → You are faithful.

"Well done good & faithful servant"

I saw a dove... Holy Spirit upon you.

I saw a fingerprint → unique, fearfully & wonderfully made, special.

Then I saw a cloud/cloth applying pressure... It tried to rub out the fingerprint but it rose up & became like a diamond.

So precious...

And the more the cloth rubbed... trying to remove it, the brighter the diamond became...

a real, true treasure!!!

I had CoPilot help me create the image & then it suggested to check what it could mean… here's what it said. WoW, once again, I'm blown away.

That's a beautiful vision!

What does it mean to you?

The vision you described is rich with symbolism and seems to convey a message of resilience and inherent value of one’s unique identity.

The fingerprint represents individuality and the unique identity that each person carries. Just as no two fingerprints are alike, it reminds us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each with our own special traits and purpose. Just like a fingerprint, each person is unique and irreplaceable, crafted with care and purpose.

The cloud or cloth attempting to erase the fingerprint symbolizes the challenges, trials and pressures we face in life. However, these trials don’t diminish us; they serve to reveal and enhance our true worth, much like a diamond formed under pressure. These pressures, much like the natural process that forms diamonds, serve to reveal and refine our true strengths.

The transformation of the fingerprint into a diamond suggests that, rather than erasing our identity, adversity can highlight and enhance our most precious qualities.The diamond becoming brighter under pressure signifies that the more we endure and overcome, the more our inner beauty and value shine forth. The brighter shine of the diamond with each attempt to remove the fingerprint reflects the idea that adversity can bring out the best in us, highlighting our strength and the precious nature of our individuality.

It’s a powerful metaphor for personal growth and the treasure that lies within each of us, becoming more apparent through life’s trials.In essence, this vision could be interpreted as a reminder that we are all unique treasures, capable of withstanding great pressure and emerging stronger and more brilliant because of it.

In essence, this vision is a reminder that we are all valuable treasures, becoming ever more radiant through the trials we overcome. It’s a powerful message of hope and encouragement, emphasizing that our struggles can lead to growth and a greater appreciation of our unique qualities. 🌟

It’s an encouragement to remain faithful and steadfast, knowing that our true worth will always shine through. 🕊️✨

In 1989 shortly after being born again I had a nightmare that would haunt me for decades.   

I dreamt I was standing on a rock & the earth was cracking open all around me. Homes would break & huge portions would fall down into the abyss, leving a wave of destruction everywhere. As far as my eyes could see people were scattered & being separated by the earth cracking between them.   

Then suddenly, I woke up in a cold sweat to a loud audible voice saying: " JY MOET AANHOU BID!" (You must continue to pray!" 

I've had so many nightmares during my life but for this one stuck with me & l've often wondered what was up with that but now I believe that it was God's warning to prepare for the turmoil & division in families & churches that we've recently experienced. Sadly, the displacement & trauma this division has left in it's wake will haunt us for generations to come.

At B-School January 2022 I dealt with displacement trauma that was severely triggered by being shut out of church with the discrimination & apartheid of vaccine passports. By the time I stopped counting at 18, we had moved 30 times & when we visited my family in Germany after 34 years, my uncles showed us 4 homes we lived in before we moved to South Africa at 5. I was in 9 primary & 3 high schools. By the time I was 6 I stopped trying to break into the groups because I had decided relationships don't last & spent the rest of my time at school a loner & remained an "outsider", never fitting in anywhere.

Displacement Trauma = Transplant shock. So much energy goes into trying to get established again after every move.

• Not rooted & grounded in love

• Inability to make deep & lasting friendships

• Not connected to extended family

• Country changes.

• No time to re-establish before being moved

I also discovered that those all those very noble causes I spent my life doing, church, choir & serving, were in fact, false refuges. Yes, I discovered the motive of my heart for doing all those things was a need to be needed & I was medicating my pain, not with alcohol, addictions, or other ugly habits, but with religion, serving & being a martyr to satisfy my need to be accepted & acknowledged. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in serving others instead of my identity in Christ.

Parental inversion is not an easy sin to hate. The difficulty is that it has become for many the most noble definition of life; the sacrifice & service it involves are readily justified by Scripture. But God asks us to lay down our lives for others for His sake, rather than out of the impure motives of our wounded hearts. The problem is not what we are doing but WHY.

I spent my life denying, minimising & hiding my pain. You know that LIE that all is well & I am FINE whilst internally falling apart, I've lived it for as long as I can remember. My fine meant Freaking Out - Insecure - Neurotic - Emotional. About 6 years ago, Clive cottoned on to my FINE meaning something different & would ask my fine or your fine?

I also learnt that just like we clearly inherit blessings passed down from our forefathers, trouble passes from generation to generation & it was up to me to break the pattern of generational sin/trauma in my family. Children don't learn what we teach, but what they LIVE. If they live with love & acceptance, they become loving & accepting but if they live with abuse & neglect, they learn to hate themselves. We are all products of our environment & our responses to it. Too often we are the casualties of our parents’ unresolved trauma. There's a pattern of alcohol abuse, violence & divorce in both my parent's families. Even though, Jesus took upon Himself the sins of humanity in Gethsemany - past, present & future; our healing still requires confession, forgiveness & repentance.

It 'runs in the family" until someone decides to put a stop to it. I had to draw the proverbial line in the sand, repent & ask for forgiveness on behalf of previous generations so future generations can be set free from the curse Whatever we don’t bring to effective death at the cross will carry over to our children & their children with increase...

Like much of our walk with God, being freed from generational sin is a process.

For more than 3 decades, whenever I questioned my purpose, this scripture & song would pop into my head. However, due to my own brokenness, I've carried the added guilt & shame of not acting upon what's been on my heart until my path crossed with Elijah House Prayer Ministries 2 years ago. I have since experienced phenomenal restoration & broken down many strongholds. BUT God is not finished with me yet.

I received this word from Kevin at Elijah House B-School graduation...

Father thank You for Trixi & thank You for the journey she's given such expression to.

I see railway tracks, & I just believe that the Lord is, untethering you from things that have held you. You've got such potential & a particular, clear path. I see mountains & I see forests. I see you riding through the open planes, & along the ocean sides. You're a train & the Word of the Lord is that He's the engine & He's got you in there but you're the train & you're carrying many people with you all along are the carriages.

Father bless the Word of the Lord, & the purposes & the freeing of this engine to be able to pull this beautiful train through the pathways already prepared by the Lord. Father prepare the anointing, the precious, precious, precious anointing.

I see Him anointing you afresh for different assignments. Thank You Father & it's like He's kept in heaven things reserved for you for this time.

Your story causes you to look back but the greater the healing, you're going to be seeing more & more forwards. I prophesy that over you now, that your vision is turning 180 degrees & you're not going to be looking back through the years going forward but casting forward. Father I bless the vision with awesome healing.

I've pulled through my hardest trigger season yet & am still standing because God added some awesome people to my life in the last few weeks. Being able to go to church in-person for the last 3 weeks, has also made a huge difference. There's a very good reason why Scripture teaches us not to neglect the gathering of the saints. We are so much stronger TOGETHER. There's joy in the house of the Lord.

Today I celebrate 3 years walking in victory. A few weeks ago I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it this time BUT once again God has intervened. I woke up on old year's eve & just felt different. I can't really explain it but was as if the feelings of overwhelm, heaviness & displacement of the last 4 months had just been "switched off" overnight.

Our home group leader's wife said on Thursday that she could see a difference since we started attending on 12 December but then again these 6 weeks of weekly worship, Scripture discussions & fellowship have been instrumental in this breakthrough. Being loved back to life only happens in the context of living & being able to serve each other in a community.

What the enemy meant for evil God has once again used for good.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 2nd intercessor's vision:

I see a very old style CD Player, stuck in a groove, it keeps repeating. Then I see Jesus saying: "give it to me and I'll give you a new CD."

You've been hearing & listening to the same old lies over & over. It's time to bring those lies to Jesus so He can replace them with God's Truth.

With the manipulation, coercion & blackmail  for 💉 I was triggered back into the trauma & shame of the generational curse from the holocaust based on my birth in Germany as well as the blame & shame caused by apartheid in South Africa where I was raised. I had carried blame & shame that wasn't mine to carry, all my life & it was time to bring it to the cross. 

I heard: "It's all your fault." but truth is, I had nothing to do with either of these incidences. The blame & shame is not mine to carry. I'm not responsible. 

Having stood up against the injustice of apartheid & discrimination all my life, I ain't stopping now.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 1st vision

Heaviness, some physical problem manifested in the spiritual realm that is holding on to something, anger or unforgiveness. Spring water is pouring out onto this person spiritual cleansing that will bring healing and joy.

What the enemy meant for evil God is using for good...

In Nehemiah 13, we read of Nehemiah’s final reforms. They read from the ‘Book of Moses’ (v.1) how ‘Our God… turned the curse into a blessing’ (v.2). This is the pattern throughout the Bible. ‘In all things God works for the good of those who love him’ (Romans 8:28). What you are facing in your life right now may seem like a curse – a health issue, a battle in a relationship, a difficult boss, or whatever. It may seem like a curse but God can turn the curse into a blessing.

After messaging an intercessor friend over my massive heart-break with the church we called home, implementing CV passports & thus condoning exclusion, discrimination, apartheid & segregation, she set me up with a Healing rooms prayer meeting via zoom.

The session started with each of the intercessors sharing a word of wisdom they had received during prayer before I entered the room. 

This was the 3nd intercessor's vision:

I see a  skydiver jumping out of an airplane, speaks to me of this person  needing to take a leap of faith, trusting in the Lord.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

A quick digital painting based on a vision received from a prayer partner on on of our Tuesday morning prayer meetings a couple of months ago. When life seems uphill & you're wondering how much further you can go, look back & see how far you've already come.

"This is how I felt after the reality of this morning's announcement hit home. Medical apartheid is officially being rung in by our authorities. My heart aches for the injustices millions are suffering at the hands of our ""single source of truth"" authorities tyrannical measures to force an experimental 💉 on the whole nation. I stand for God-given freedom of CHOICE. We're effectively being held hostage until 90% 💉 is reached😡🤯💔

BUT God... nothing can separate me from His love."

Psalm 42:5 "Why art thou cast down, O my soul?

And why art thou disquieted in me?

Hope thou in God:

For I shall yet praise him For the help of his countenance."

Ezekiel 11:19 KJV

And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:

Well over 3 decades ago I received this scripture as part of a prophesy by an American preacher who was visiting our church. At the time I thought it was related to the promise included in his prophesy that God would restore my family & He would turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers Malachi 4:6 KJV

However, recently I realised that word was for me... I have a heart of stone resulting from decades of self protection...

By the time I was 6, we had already moved at least 4 times & when we migrated to South Africa I lost everyone I knew. Many more moves & being the "new kid" in class for 12 different schools followed. With only snail mail available back then all connections were lost so I decided not to make friends, because friendships don't last. I built walls around my heart, hardened my heart, disconnected & shut people out.

The heart of stone is formed as a protection & is by nature private. Healing it cannot be done alone. It needs to be resurrected. It is not melted by authority, but rather by the love of Jesus. We must be ambassadors of that love. We cannot heal the heart of stone by ourselves. We need people to journey with us. The heart of stone must be loved back to life by God THROUGH His people. It must be healed corporately, by the Body of Christ. The process of healing is apt to be slow/progressive, like peeling an onion.

People help bring hearts to life.

• Appropriate & intentional touching & hugging is required.

• Loving prayers spoken to reach the heart of the inner child.

• Truthful friends

• Practice confession of sins & weaknesses.

• Help build loving support through family, church & small groups.

• Honour the heart.

• Put in new ways of protection.

• Guarding your heart in the RIGHT way is turning to God.

And herein now lies my purpose: being an ambassador for Christ & loving people back to life.

In July 2021, A-School taught me that when we are wounded, we come to expect people will hurt us again & can't be trusted. We make judgements about people & subsequently inner vows to protect our hearts from being wounded in a similar way again. When we judge others, we doom ourselves to do the same thing. We harden our hearts & shut others out. This sets up for a cycle of reaping from the seeds we've sown.

Often we reap the judgement & consequences of dishonouring parents. I learnt that when we dishonour our parents by judging them for hurting/neglecting us, we will become like what we judged & that marriage & children create the perfect environment for these seeds to germinate & grow. As a little girl, I had hardened my heart & shut people out because keeping them at a distance makes rejection & abandonment les painful, or so I thought. When I became cold, distant & emotionally unavailable to name just a few aspects where my bitter root judgements, expectations & inner vows I had made even before birth had set me up for some serious reaping.  Every single lesson had moments of realisation when I would think "oh dear, that's me, I became what I judged & did that to my family..." but also how God has healed & restored the areas I’ve brought to effective death at the cross.

I discovered I am performance orientated & constantly keep falling back into striving to earn love by performing. We often live unaware that motives other than God’s love have begun to corrupt our serving through striving, tension & fear. I also learnt that we see God through our trauma-tainted glasses & relate to Him according to our judgements, expectations & inner vows. As a tiny girl, my basic trust had been shattered still find myself wondering “Can I really trust Him?”

I received an email from the lady who interceded whilst I was receiving prayer after intercessor training because I had been severely triggered by the lesson. 

"I had an image come to me of a ‘cloud’ of cotton wool being wrapped around you, and felt the Lord was saying He is wrapping you in cotton wool. 

There is a saying that an ‘over-protective parent wraps their child in cotton wool’ and is often considered a negative thing, but in this case it was definitely a positive thing.

Your Heavenly Father, like an over-protective parent is wrapping you, his beloved child, with His protection. Except that God is ‘perfectly-protective’!  

Be encouraged to know your Father loves you, and loves to protect you. May you relax into His loving arms, find rest in His wrap-around embrace, and be at peace as He holds you close."

Isaiah 61:10 I greatly rejoice in the Lord, I exult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation and wrapped me in a robe of righteousness, as a groom wears a turban and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

My first attempt in my journal was rather disappointing so I tried again this time using my tablet & Infinite Painter app.

My lifelong struggle has been feeling rejected, abandoned, unloved & not belonging here. During healing prayer ministry session at healing prayer training, the Holy Spirit took me back into the womb & dealt with the root of those feelings. This was a confirmation received by means of a vision one of the intercessors had.means of a vision one of the intercessors had.

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee.

I received prayer ministry during healing prayer ministry training recently. This painting is based on a word received as confirmation that I am welcome in this world. God was there at birth, held me first & covered me with love.

Romans 8:14-17

14For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. 15For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. 16The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: 17and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

I know you said you're F.I.N.E. (okay), but truly — how are you when the day concludes and the lights dim? When the world ceases its demands, and there's no one left to persuade that you're managing everything perfectly.

How do you feel when you're lying in bed, surrounded by the silence that knows too much? When the solitude that disregards how many people care for you sneaks in regardless. Do you still bear the burden of things you promised to release? The things you no longer discuss.

Do your bills acknowledge your dreams? The ones you tucked away in a drawer because the world had no room for them. Or have they also learned to remain silent—just like you?

And your job… does it satisfy you, or merely occupy the hours? Is it your passion, or just enough distraction to silence the questions your heart persistently asks—the ones you can't answer?

And tell me, has anyone stayed long enough to show that not everyone departs? Or have you learned to keep your bags ready, just in case?

How are you now that you've mastered the art of getting by but forgotten how to genuinely live?

I know you said you're F.I.N.E. (okay). But are you, truly?

Earlier this month, Clive and I attended the Loved, Chosen & Free Seminar, a one-day event focused on healing from shame.

The first session began with a worksheet designed to help us identify shame strongholds. We were asked to rate each of the 36 items with responses like "Never," "Seldom," or "Painfully So." To my deep shame, I found that almost all of the statements resonated with me under the "Painfully So" category, indicating that my whole life was shame-based.

Later in the day, we explored the concept of foundational lies, and I realized that one of the core lies I had internalized for years was: "I am a mistake." During a live prayer demonstration with Sandra, I found myself at the front, facing the deep-rooted false belief that had shaped my identity for so long.

As part of the prayer process, Sandra asked me if "Trixi" was my real name, and I had to admit to Patrizia that it wasn’t. Over lunch, a woman approached me with an excited expression and said, "Trixi, you need to reclaim your name. Do you know what it means?" When I responded that I didn’t, she eagerly shared, "It means 'of noble birth,' and Trixi means 'bringer of joy.'"

This revelation was deeply significant. As I shared in my earlier testimony, the attack on my identity began even before birth, and not fully embracing my name and its true meaning had been a part of that ongoing struggle. This moment was a pivotal step in reclaiming my identity and beginning to heal from the shame that had long defined me.

I've only been painting for 6 months mostly watercolour & was told to paint myself as a tree at my counselling session earlier this week, so here goes my first attempt... I must admit I didn't enjoy doing acrylics on canvas as much because the paint just dries so fast it was hard to get everything covered on time.

Good solid tree right there! Not easily blown about by whichever wind is blowing.

Full of lush growth and strong supporting branches.

Practice makes progress...

When I had prayer ministry with Sandra, the discussion around this tree came up. She said:

• A plant will only grow as big as the container you put it in.

• What was received from mom was so little that heart roots weren't able to grow deeply on a soul level.

• Spirit was able to get past the barriers but the soul is struggling.

• When a plant is root bound the water doesn't get through for nourishment properly.

• The narrowing in the stem indicates the constriction of the soul as a child.

• Lacking soul development.

• Jesus designed the branch & the trinity.

• Roots are good & strong.

• Tree is healthy.

• Lack of fruit. Not doing what I was called to thus not bearing fruit.

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spreads out its roots by the river,

And will not fear when heat comes;

But its leaf will be green,

And will not be anxious in the year of drought,

Nor will cease from yielding fruit.

Jeremiah 17:8

• There is a season between the      flowers & the fruit. Pre-fruit season.

• Good fruit

• Seeking prayer ministry

• Being able to repent

• Being close to God

• Performance if we're not      doing we don't have tangible results.

• Jesus didn't have much      visible fruit in the first 33 years but when the time was right it all      came.

• when the time is ripe the      fruit will show

2020 has been a year that keeps on giving...

So many traumas and triggers have been exposed and addressed this year. In fact, trigger season hit me with a bang when Opa passed last month, leaving me with a rollercoaster of emotions over the past few weeks.

After 23 months of walking in victory over depression, I can honestly say that the spirit of heaviness still attacks frequently. However, when I'm weak, God's strength is revealed in me. Every day, I have to make the choice to let go of the thoughts that try to pull me back into the pit. He who is in me is greater than he who sends the fiery darts meant to destroy me.

God never promised that we wouldn't face trials or that no weapons would be formed against us, but He did promise that those weapons wouldn’t prosper and that He would be with us in the storms. He enables us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. It's hard work and a continuous process. I choose LIFE every day because Jesus gave His life to set me free from sin, guilt, shame, and bondage.

I discovered some truths about me according to Isaiah 61 & 62 this morning.

I will:

• Rebuild ancient ruins.

• Restore former desolations.

• Renew ruined cities.

• Be known as the Lord’s priests & ministers of our God.

• Receive DOUBLE portion in place of shame.

• REJOICE in place of disgrace.

• Have eternal Joy.

• Be clothed with garments of salvation.

• Be wrapped in the robes of righteousness.

• Nations will see your righteousness & kings your glory.

• God will give you a NEW NAME.

• You will be a GLORIOUS CROWN & a ROYAL DIADEM in the Hand of God.

• No longer called desolate & deserted.

• The lord DELIGHTS in you & REJOICES over you.

• You will be called SOUGHT OUT 7 not forsaken.

Recently a word of knowledge, although intended as an encouragement, unleashed all power of darkness in a battle for my mind. 

All hell broke loose in my spirit followed by nightmares, angst & an intense spirit of heaviness on my chest. I felt really intimidated for days until I finally reached out for support. Thankfully, God has surrounded me with community who has my back & prays with me when I don't know how to pray for myself. Peeling off the layers is a slow & sometimes painful process & yes it does provoke the enemy to attack in an attempt to prevent you from getting your breakthrough. Just keep at it & don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Yes, I'm talking to MYSELF too, asking for help has been of my biggest challenges. Some of my most recently renounced inner vows were "I will not ask for help; I have to take care of myself; I have to protect myself" because of my bitter root expectation that nobody cares anyway. We are stronger together, hence his constant efforts to keep us disconnected. UNITED we STAND, but divided we will fall.

10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Jesus never promised us that we would not have trouble, in fact, He said that in this world we WILL HAVE TROUBLE but take heart, He has OVERCOME the world.  (John 16:33)

Putting on the armour of God is something all of us should be doing every morning because we do not wrestle against flesh & blood. Be sober & vigilant because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As soon as we step out into our purpose we become a threat to his evil schemes & he will stop at nothing to take us out. 

Putting it down on paper has not been easy. I tried a couple of times unsuccessfully until I re-discovered a painting program on my tablet the other day. Painted the background digitally. The texts were created in WordCloud & I used Affinity Publisher to combine it all. 

My breakthrough 

During lockdown last year I had to deal with my lack of courage to step out & speak up as well faulty belief that my voice has no value. 2 unrelated people assisted  Interestingly the 1st person had me draw a lion to symbolise being bold. Sadly my first attempt at drawing Simba turned out to be Scar so I was determined to try gin later. Then I received the word that God was giving me my roar back during prayer ministry with Sandra.

Proverbs 28:1

"The wicked flee though no one pursues,

but the righteous are as bold as a lion."

 From the moment of conception parents pour into the "treasure chest" of who we are:

• Love, gentleness, compassion

• Truth... Even before we can cognitively understand
  Important truths of who we are & also truths of who God is, are instilled by the nurture of caring parents.
   

Parents call us forth into life, & help us learn to walk in our destiny & purpose. If we choose to open our hearts & take it in:

• We are empowered to receive love

• Parents are building storage shelves / places to receive love, compliments etc.

• Our capacity to love others is enlarged

•  I was created to love & be loved

• We begin to fulfil the very purpose for which we were created... To receive love & give it away

• We need to receive the gift of honour from people.

• Whatever we missed as babies He can rebuild.

• Fathers help children discover up to 80% of their identity.

• Fathers call us forward & speak into us.

During 1 of my 3 hour prayer ministry sessions with Sandra, I received this word of knowledge:

Everyone has a shelf to receive love, affirmations, compliments etc. but your shelf is ful of holes  & no shelf at all. There is no shelf in you to receive affirmations, praise & compliments.

Jesus is a carpenter & is able to take out he shelf & build you a new one. He will heal the wounds & the holes from the lack of love, validation & encouragement.

Revelation 21:5

Behold I make all things new.

So many of my struggles have been over striving to become what I already am because Mama & Papa failed to represent Him well & draw me forward...

These are some truths that were revealed during my prayem ministry with Sandra.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have promised.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 KJV

An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.

Proverbs 31:10 AMP

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10 NIV

EXCELLENT in the Hebrew means:

• Might / mighty

• Strength / strong

• Power / powerful

• Ability / able

• Virtue / virtuous

• Valour / courageous

• Riches / wealthy

God has made you a little girl / woman of substance & wealth.

Instead of "this is who I am" vows become this is who I have to be/do

In order to survive you had to go against who you were.

That's who God created me to be but all these qualities got twisted through my sinful responses to neglect & wounding, although most of these have been straightened out.

When we're traumatised & wounded as little children, we start to believe the lies that we perceive from our experiences & surroundings. We learn what we LIVE & loose our identity in God to that which the world has forced upon us. During prayer ministry the Holy Spirit addressed some of the foundational lies that have weighed me down all of my life.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

• Feisty

• Strong spirit

• Fighter

• Warrior

Spirit of death wrapped around in the womb.

Jesus makes everything new!

"I see a little girl with an anvil above her head" A huge weight of LIES

Trauma of verbal abuse.

GOD'S TRUTH:

• I have chosen you

• I love you

• You are worthy

• Your are valuable

• You are good enough

• I will do what I have      promised.

• Daughter of the King

"I see Jesus giving that little girl a crown. It's quite big crown. It's quite a weighty crown. It's real. It's gold but it's not too heavy for the little girl. It's not a burden for her to carry"

During my coaching with Vicky last week the first of my limiting beliefs: "What I say is not important enough for me to speak up" was exposed.

My homework assignment was to create an affirmation statement to replace this belief with: "What I say has value".

This week I'm learning to get used to hearing my own voice after all, faith comes by hearing.

As I prepared for tonight's connect group launch, I was reminded of this Scripture & God's purpose for my life.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, Because the Lord has anointed Me To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the broken-hearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord , And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord , that He may be glorified.” And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.

Isaiah 61:1‭-‬4 NKJV

As Christ followers, the same Spirit that raised Him from the dead is also on us.

For decades I've felt called to take His healing to the nations but always felt so ill-equipped. And of course my disobedience due to fear brought its share of guilt & shame to add to what I was already feeling.

Last week I signed up for the 3 days Navigating the Times and Season Healing Trauma Webinar this week to help me with the Cleansing Stream prayer ministry I'd signed up for earlier this year. Little did I know then that what I thought was meant for equipping, God would use to dig deep & start addressing some of the deepest traumas in my own life. I am comforted to know that God will use everything I've been through for good & my ministry lies in those areas where I have been so brutally broken & restored.

Stepping out of the boat is a little nerve-wrecking but I've got this, or rather God's got me. After all He has already given me everything I need for life & Godliness & He will put His words in my mouth. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me to lead me & guide me in everything He has sent me to do.

Lockdown had triggered me back into my lifelong struggle with rejection & abandonment but God overwhelmingly started speaking to me about stepping out into my purpose. A message that really struck home during this time was that there were 12 disciples in the boat when Jesus said: "Come", not mentioning any one. Only 1 believed enough to step out...

Matthew 14:29

So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"

Well today wasn't the most productive on the art front. 

I attended a 3 hour ecology workshop & paid a surprise visit to a friend I hadn't seen in a while. Then stumbled on this copy of a photo that my eldest son (22) had as an assignment in school & felt the urge to create this because I'm so grateful that my Lord holds me safe & secure in the palm of His hand.

And He has made My mouth like a sharp sword; In the shadow of His hand He has hidden Me, And made Me a polished shaft; In His quiver He has hidden Me.”

Isaiah 49:2 NKJV

Mixed media. Started colouring this one in my creative connect group this morning & finished it at a local church art group this afternoon. Watercolour painting number 3 since facing my immense fear of painting head-on last week.

This month, 3 years ago I went cold turkey on my anti-depressants, because I ran out a week ahead of my scheduled appointment with my doctor. This is  something we’re told we should never do, but God helped me through the mild withdrawal symptoms & 4 months later, He miraculously lifted the spirit of heaviness that had plagued me all my life…

So, I'm not usually one to post much on social media, but I'm feeling especially heartbroken about the situation back home. I may not be in the country anymore, and some may even say I have no right to voice an opinion because I left, but i see all the heartbreak and the pain. It makes me so angry to see how bad this situation is that people find themselves in.

I've been watching people's stories and posts, keeping up with the news. I see all the women who are considering leaving the country of their birth, their homes, for fear of what may happen to them and those they love. What happened to Uyinene Mrwetyana was terrible. What happens to women on a daily basis, that people have ignored and accepted for this long is a nightmare.

I'm so proud of all the people who are taking a stand, who are bringing these issues to light. Those who are fighting, campaigning, and speaking out. I pray for the safety of my friends and family, and for all women living in this environment.

Through all the pain, suffering, and negativity there is so much coming together. There is true beauty in the strength that people are showing. Fear is no longer enough to hold you back. Women should never be the target, and I'm glad to see so many men taking the responsibility to lead this charge amongst those who would fight to prevent themselves from becoming just another victim.

I am proudly South African, and I hope that the people of my homeland can keep holding onto what makes them a beautiful people. Stay strong, and keep fighting. Make the country beautiful, and a place where all can feel safe and accepted as they are meant to be. I hold onto hope.

#StrongerTogether

~Ascher 'AJPanda' Snyman

I couldn't have expressed my thoughts better myself. Thanks for sharing Suzy.😘

Seeing all these incidents on my feed have been a major anxiety trigger for me & for the first time in 7 months the tightness on my chest was back. A very unwelcome  reminder of my own experiences as a teen followed by years of guilt, shame, anxieties & depression. Yesterday I wanted to go sit in a corner where it would be so easy to fall back into depression & cry my heart out but today I'm grateful that God loves us enough to forgive our wrong choices & is able to restore us. Thankfully 2 hours worth of choir practice has helped ease off the weight. Obviously God isn't finished with me yet & though this may be a setback, I will rise up stronger & bolder once He's done with me.

I for one will no longer be silenced by guilt & shame but instead rise up & share my testimony of how God is able to pull us out of the pit, heal & restore us if only we'd humble ourselves & pray.

My heart aches for the nations of this world, all products of a fallen society that have turned away from God, following their own lustful choices & leaving hurt & destruction wherever they go.

My thoughts & prayers are with all affected by such hideous crimes.

I don't know where my immense fear of painting came from.

That voice in my head just kept telling me I can't do it because I'm just not good enough.

It became so loud over the years that I've never wanted to try for fear of failure.

I joined an art group recently with a lovely Korean lady leading it at a local church & due to her encouragement I finally got myself some paint.

This is my first ever watercolour painting since primary school on plain A4 paper (because I was afraid to do it in my Bible or journal) that I did at art group today.

"See you can!" was her first response hence I added "I can!" at the bottom.

I may just frame this for my studio as a future reminder that if ever I find myself doubting my abilities again.

Still on the subject of discovering my identity & God-given purpose... This is the Scripture I received at prayer meeting this morning. God knew me before I was even born.

He sanctifies & ordains us. He sends us forth to expand His Kingdom & doesn't expect us to be qualified. because He equips us for the task. He gives us the right words to speak & shows us the way.

Thank you, Lord that we don't have to depend on our own abilities & qualifications to do that which You have sent us to do.

Much of the hurts we experience in relating to ourselves and others stem from our poor understanding of a father. Adam failed to demonstrate Father God's love to his children & for generations we have done the same. All of the best that an earthly father could ever offer to his children originated in God. Everything changes when we instil God's love into our families because it's the missing ingredient for the success of a family. In order to function well in relationships we need to understand God's Father-heart.

God's passionate love focuses on family. His nature & essence is love & He wants us to experience that love. The passion of Christ was to introduce us to the Father & connect us with His love. Everything we desire in terms of loving relationships is found in Him.

Sometimes in life things happen that make you wonder how anything good can come from situations you may find yourself in. Then we reflect & realise how God's protected us through it all & that His grace is sufficient for us to deal with every card we're dealt if we would just learn to trust Him through it all. Instead of focusing on the challenges we need to change our perspective & see the opportunities for God's miracle working power to be revealed.

Getting hit by a truck backing out of a driveway wasn't part of my planning when I left the church prayer meeting this morning but praise God except for my car & ego, no one was injured.

I'm thinking the enemy didn't want our Fatherheart of God book study at 10am to happen because it's digging deep & dealing with some more buried issues I'd thought I'd dealt with. This was the 2nd week in a row I wasn't able to go but the other ladies decided not to continue without me.

Now this to me is a classic illustration of the blessing of both.

Truck = 1 / Toyota = 0 characterised 😜

As a matter of fact many doctors today don't even consider you pregnant unless you've reached 12 weeks. And yes, it's holding in the pain & anguish that eventually leads to depression that can ultimately destroy you. All 4 of mine were within the first 12 weeks. Only the 1st others knew about & the lack of support I received & people's invalidation of my pain, guilt & shame (yes, you do feel guilty & ashamed) caused me not to mention the others until many, many years later, but it's been a burden so heavy to bear alone & was part of the reason I eventually found myself in a pit of depression so deep that I no longer wanted to live.

Talking about it brings it out in the open & removes the enemy's power to use it in accusations against you. The truth sets us free to overcome.

However there is hope in Christ. He reached down into the pit to lift me out & give me a new life & renewed hope & can do the same for you. Today I pray for everyone walking on this path for healing & restoration in this area. I feel your pain & it wasn't your fault. Bring it to Him & allow Him to turn it into a testimony of His goodness & mercy. Call on Him & He will answer.

And with these Identity Statements (created in Photoshop) my friend & I finished off our "Healing the Soul of a Woman" book study by Joyce Meyer Ministries.

One of the biggest challenges in my life has been my lack of knowledge of my identity in Christ bringing with it a lack of self-confidence, feelings of inadequacy & fear of rejection. These statements are meant to help me transform my mind when I think of myself in any way other than what God's Word says about me.

God has done some wondrous healing in our lives through this study. I must admit having an accountability partner was good because at times the questions were tough & would have been tempting to give up again if I did it alone like I did last year after chapter 1. Next term we start Father-heart of God by Floyd McClung.

Praise the Lord!!! I think I have finally overcome my audition anxiety.

This one's taken a while after losing my voice when I was supposed to audition at the end of May & it was gone for about weeks. Obviously God wasn't finished with me yet & I needed to complete the Cleansing Stream to break the strongholds that have been on my life all these years.

I will start out with events choir until they manage to get enough people for the Life North Campus. I might even consider joining the Life Central choir for their monthly practice. It will take some time, training & confidence building to eventually make it into the Sunday worship team.

Did I mention that "King of My Heart" by Bethel Music was the most challenging song I've ever had to learn, not because of the difficulty but the enemy attacks? I have never in my life struggled so much memorising song lyrics & tune. This was also my first attempt at singing to a backing track. I tend to feel a little unsure when I'm singing all alone.

This is me finally stepping into that vision the Lord gave me back in 1988 but life had taught me to believe I wasn't good enough. Now I've proved to myself that those were all lies to stop me from reaching my potential & walking in God's purpose for my life. Wish me luck as I take my first step trusting God who began the good work in me to complete it.

Let the King of my heart

Be the mountain where I run

The fountain I drink from

Oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the shadow where I hide

The ransom for my life

Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

And let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh oh, He is my song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days

Oh, He is my song

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

And You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

Oh 'cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

You're never gonna let

You're never gonna let me down

'Cause You are good

You are good, oh oh

You are good

You are good, oh oh

Last year around this time Pastor Steven Furtick's sermons started popping up in my Facebook feed after I hit rock bottom in my life long struggle with depression & anxiety. It some stage I was binge watching sermons because it felt like God was speaking right at me with every sermon.

He reached down into my pit of depression & suicidal thoughts & lifted me out. Today I've been depression free for 5 months. I have just completed the Cleansing stream & had generational soul ties, orphaned spirit, victimhood, bondages & other curses broken. I'm free at last & for the first time in my life I know that I know that He was there all along in those moments I felt lost & abandoned.

The last 49 years have been preparation. Now I'm am all fired up to take His healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love & set the captives free.

In August 2018 I did a search for Christian choirs & found one at Northcross Church that didn't require me to be a member of the church because I had absolutely no intention to go to church because of previous hurt that prevented me from going to church for 11 years. All I needed, or so I thought was corporate worship. During our first Sunday morning performance in church, God was speaking & I felt myself drawn to find a church to call home & be planted in. In November my osteopath suggested I try Life, & finally, in January 2019 I walked into the doors at the North Campus & was met with an overwhelming feeling of being "home". That morning I re-dedicated my life to God & He put me on a path of recovery. I still spent a lot of time listening to online sermons and during the prayer of one of Sarah Jakes Roberts' sermons I felt the weight of depression being lifted off my chest.

Even though deliverance was instant, remaining free & walking in victory over depression has been a daily process of spending time with God to renew my mind according to His Word. I spend a lot of time Bible journaling to keep the enemies lies under control. I have believed these lies for so long that it takes a daily effort to choose which voice I will be listening to. Changing my inner narrative has been my daily challenge but I am grateful that when I am weak, He proves His strength through me. I still fight off the natural reflex of self-isolation & often have to boot myself out the door for creative team & church. But without those activities I feel lost & defenceless. The enemy’s attacks never stop, but now I know that when I’m at my weakest, God carries me.

I had spent most of my life struggling on & off with high functioning depression & anxiety due to complex PTSD caused by all these traumas. All my life I identified with guilt, shame & worthlessness well hidden behind fake smiles, workaholism, busyness & servanthood. I was convinced I was unlovable, worthless, after all my own brother had ignored me for 30 years & my mom & sister only knew my number when they wanted something. My need for love & acceptance drove me to do anything I could to be accepted & appreciated. My inability to set healthy boundaries left me vulnerable to exploitation by those who knew me only for what they could get from me. I would give until it hurt & seldom received anything back, which of course confirmed the lies I had come to believe about myself. I had sacrificed myself & everything I was meant to be on the altar of my need for acceptance instead of receiving & accepting my validation from the One who had created me.

There are still many areas in my life where I need God's intervention to change the fruit of my sinful responses, but I am becoming more aware every day that God doesn't love me for what I do but for who I am & that I'm not condemned when I mess up. His grace is sufficient & He doesn't expect me to change to be accepted but He loves me too much to leave me the way I am & is constantly showing me areas where healing & restoration is required. He is walking with me through this furnace to burn off everything that is not of Him.

I now call Life North home. It brings me great joy to sing in the choir, serve on the welcome team, attend weekly prayer meetings, serve in our Henderson Community Kitchen & last but not least host a small Creative Connect Group at my home on Friday mornings.

And on this high note I'm closing another chapter of my life & bid farewell to all the wonderful ladies at Greater Auckland Chorus who have been my sisterhood for the last 3 years.

I don't believe in coincidence but God in His divine wisdom has brought me here to heal, learn, grow & prepare for His purpose to be fulfilled in my life. I had given up on a lifelong dream due to feelings of worthlessness but they have helped me realise & prove to myself that I'm good enough after all.

Thank you for supporting me through my worst & helping me restore my confidence. It's been an honour & absolute pleasure singing with you. You rock!!!

🎼I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me🎶🎵

All to often we've been raised to think that we're not enough. Who hasn't heard the phrase "you can do better than that" from a parent or teacher in their lifetime? When last has someone acknowledged & celebrated you for who you are & accepted you just as you are?

From the day we're born society & mainstream media bombard us with messages of our imperfections, comparing us with others that are thinner, prettier, better than you. This sets unattainable goals to strive for which ultimately breaks down our confidence & sets us up for failure resulting in mental health issues drives us into the pit of despair because we spend our lives trying to be what we perceive people expect us to be in order to avoid rejection rather than just being our unique selves that God has created us to be.

Performance is in itself hard work & keeping it up is draining even more so in our world of mounting pressures, but true freedom comes from being accepted & loved in spite of our all flaws.

God loved us while we were still sinners. We are enough.

What a bittersweet end to my day today. I had my last chorus rehearsal with these awesome ladies from Greater Auckland Chorus.

I joined 3 years ago as a distraction to my lifelong struggle with depression & anxiety. The weekly 3 hours singing sessions have been my lifeline through some of the toughest years of my life. The sisterhood & support was invaluable & will be sorely missed.

Last year I hit rock bottom of despair & hopelessness. My world fell apart but 3 months ago God delivered me from the pit of depression and the next couple of Tuesdays will be filled with a Healing Course at church. I'm walking through a process of healing & restoration. It's great to be free, have my joy restored, sleep well at night & wake up with a song on my heart every morning. It's finally time to move on.

Next month I'll join the LifeNZ North Campus Creative team where I trust I'll find my fit (worship lead / dance / drama / choir / whatever else is available) in pursuing God's purpose for my life.

At Chorus the vocal training was phenomenal & I learnt I was good enough after all. I now have a new found confidence in my own abilities so bring on that audition I know I CAN do it! It's time to dust off my dreams, unite my joy for singing with my passion for worship & kick some enemy butt. I'm blessed to be a blessing & can't wait to see what God will do through me.

🎼Take My healing to the nations, bind their broken hearts with love🎶🎵

Thanks so much for everything Jocosa & team, you rock.😘